I need some feedback on this first chapter.

[SirDogeTheFirst]

I am currently working on a new project as if I don't have too much on my plate, and I am in desperate need of an outside critic because something about it is just not clicking with me. If you can help me, I would be very grateful.

Spoiler

Dim light flickered along the walls of a long corridor, leading to a massive chamber filled with energy of alien origin.
Inside was a chunk of unearthly metal spread across the entire room with the shape of a crystal cluster.
It was ancient. Older than modern life on this planet it stood on.
The metal was a tool of war, shaped into any weapon its user desired, made to fight a powerful enemy.
It also was a gestalt consciousness, capable of cutting itself into new pieces and offering them to many more or using this ability to help its user in combat.
Despite the metal's immense power, its creators lost the war, and it found itself on this planet a long time ago.
Now, it offered some of its strength to primitives of this world it saw worthy, as they were fighting a splinter of the original enemy once killed its creators.
A tribe in this world even took its favoritism so much that it allowed them to contain itself.
Knights of the Earth, these people called themselves, and for centuries, they almost worshipped the metal while using its power to defeat alien threats.
And the cluster, seeing this particular group of humans fought against a splinter of the enemy who once wiped its creators, helped them.
When one of them was seen worthy, the metal alerted the tribe leader.
During the ceremony, the metal gave a piece of itself to the chosen, and they bounded until the knight's death.
And, lately there was a star child which the metal particularly favored.
The metal offered four different shards to the young knight, whereas even two were extremely rare.
Albeit, it has been calm ever since.
Perhaps because of the young genius, the metal became much more selective.
On one of these calm days, footsteps echoing through the corridor stopped the metal's dream-like thoughts.
It was an unexpected noise.
When the metal looked around for the source, it saw a human child, about three years old, standing still, looking at itself.
She was the youngest of the current tribe leader and sister of the young prodigy.
Over the years, through his bonds with countless knights, the metal developed some emotions, and it felt pity towards the young girl.
On a family of geniuses, he sensed nothing from -"NO!"
When the small girl moved closer, it finally noticed it.
This young girl was an almost perfect vessel. She was compatible with the metal almost as the pilot of its creator race, but her natural abilities had hidden that potential.
"Alice!" A stern voice echoed through the corridor. A tall man appeared at the entrance. His face had almost no expressions, but his eyes were betraying him. He was nervous.
He moved towards the child. "Come back here, get away from the shrine!" He shouted.
The little child froze, eyes wide open. She turned to face her father.
The man was fast. He had almost closed the distance. He sounded both worried and angry.
"Don't act like this, please. I know you are sad it didn't choose you, but please don't do this the night before going out."
"No, no, no!" The metal thought.
He had deemed the little girl unworthy when it gave her brother the shards, unable to see such high potential.
It was its mistake.
This child was more potent than her brother by magnitudes.
But she and her potential were slipping away. Unable to be realized.
When the father grabbed her hand and began moving her away, the metal did something new. It spoke to humans.
"Stop!" It shouted.
The man stopped. It was the first time he heard this voice, but he obeyed it unknowingly.
"Away!" It shouted once more and used the shard inside the man to push him away.
"What is happening?!" The man tried to get up but was unable to control his body. "Alice! Run- He tried to warn his child, but the cluster cut his words.
"No!" With a shock wave, the man was pushed even further away.
Father pushed himself to get up, but with every step towards the closer, he felt more and more powerless.
His limbs were shaking, and his sight was blurring.
"My child-" Words barely left his mouth.
In his mind was a storm. "Please!" He was begging in his head.
Was it the invaders, was it that guy, or was it the metal? He was too confused to see the answer in front of him.
"Approach." He ordered to the little child.
Alice turned around and looked at the cluster. Her eyes shone.
Without saying a word, the little kid approached the cluster. "Pretty," She said with a smile. "Like the night sky." She put her hand on the surface of the metal. The surface gently vibrated while her fingers slowly sank into the cluster that acted more like soft clay than hard metal.
She was right. The metal looked as if you were looking at the emptiness of the space with its shining parts and dance of colors, ranging from blue to deep purple.
Alice and the metal's minds connected.
At first, the metal wanted to show its memories to Alice so she would fight against its enemies, but then it decided not to.
"Her world already has enough reasons to fight against them." It thought.
"My chosen, become this world's strongest champion and avenge my creators as a knight of hope." The metal spoke to Alice and Alice alone before slowly cutting away a large chunk of itself.
It felt a sharp pain. It was ripping a part of its consciousness away, and any living being would have lost their sanity over this agony, but it endured it. For her, it was worth it.
The metal's surface shined so bright during the process that it almost blinded everyone inside the underground section.
And when it ended, it released a wave of energy so powerful that the entire island they were on shook violently.
When the shaking ended, several armed knights entered the underground, but all stopped around their leader and watched the metal become one with Alice.
The young child was accepting this new power quite well. She didn't understand the nature of it, but she knew that whatever power the metal gave her was in harmony with the power she was born with.
She turned towards the knights with a bright smile and a small sword, a copy of her father's, in her hands. "Father, look!" She shouted, showing her sword. Her voice was full of energy.
Her father was crying. "My child." He spoke. He didn't know if it was because of relief, pride, confusion, fear, or all at once.
But Alice was unable to handle the power bestowed upon her for long.
Soon after, she fell to her knees. She was barely breathing. "But, wasn't I chosen?" She tried to grasp her sword, but just like her consciousness, it faded away.
She looked at her father. "Help-" Her voice barely reached him before she collapsed.
Just before she blacked out, she heard the sounds of clinging armor, footsteps, and her father's desperate call for a doctor.
*****

 

[TheIcMan]

To preface, I've read a lot of mediocre garbage, so I have a tough time truly getting engaged with stuff, even if I really like it. I've actually never done something like this before, so I'm doing this on a whim. Keep in mind, while I'm an aspiring writer I'm actually dogshit at explaining things properly. I also don't know what you're looking for, so I'll just shoot blindly.

I'll start off with something I liked. The flow towards the end with the metal and Alice approaching it despite her father's pleas was pretty nice. The curt, seemingly monotone commands had impact. And I could feel the desperation in her father's actions and words.

Now for stuff I'm not a fan of:
In terms of flow, there's some fluff that can be just straight up cut. I said I liked the single word commands and their impact. But the sequential stuff really isn't necessary and kind of impedes what's going on. "Stop!" by itself would've been great. If you really want to follow it up with anything else, do a line break.

There's a lot of passive voice. "There was, it was, it has, she was, she had". I don't really agree with the whole "cut 99% of passive voice" idea, but it's good practice. There's just a lot of telling.

Speaking of, as for the content of the actual chapter, I just wouldn't continue reading it. I actually do the same thing as you: Write very basic ideas without fleshing them out in some way with prose. Writing cut and dry can work, but not in this case.

It reads like a fairy tale. The exposition is frontloaded, even if it isn't much. Your first sentence is great actually. It sets up a scene that we could get immersed in. Flickering lights in a dark corridor? An opening to a chamber with something mysterious? Hell yeah! You continue to set things up well in the next two sentences. But then I read "The metal was a tool of war" and my interest wanes. Normally I would've stopped there. Exposition like that is normally massive eye-rolls for me. And everything after that is explaining what the metal is, where it found itself, and a culture that developed around it. It's just not interesting.

The metal does this and that, it chooses its beholder, its fond of someone recently, etc. My eyes glaze over it because there isn't a story here. It's a history lesson.

This carries on to the descriptions of the characters. My interest shot back up when I saw someone was going to be introduced.

When the metal looked around for the source, it saw a human child, about three years old, standing still, looking at itself.
She was the youngest of the current tribe leader and sister of the young prodigy.
Over the years, through his bonds with countless knights, the metal developed some emotions, and it felt pity towards the young girl.
On a family of geniuses, he sensed nothing from -"NO!"

The first two sentences are fine. Could use touching up, but serviceable.
The third one however I have issue with. Same issue I've said before. "Over the years... the metal developed some emotions". I have some very minor gripes with the "Show don't tell" advice, but the core of it is important. I'd much rather see how the metal acts than be told how it feels.

And this just continues with everything else. She's compatible with the metal? Okay, can I see it? This child was more potent than her brother by magnitudes? Okaay, who are her brothers? Who is she even? The young child is accepting it the power already well? I'd rather this not be rushed.

In the end, I'm not immersed and I don't have connection to any characters.
I would have much preferred if you kept the opening line, and then showed Alice's father worrying and looking for his daughter. He'd be panicking and desperately looking for her. And he'd be stressing even more if she somehow found her way to the shrine--Somewhere she shouldn't be at. All the while you could dripfeed information about her brothers, the ceremony, and what the metal is. And then he'd turn the corner and find Alice right before the metal. And things would proceed as you'd written.

The trick is to sneak in the lore. Even if I love history, I don't want some random fiction's lore to be the first thing I see. But if it's told through a character I can empathize with, even if it's only been two sentences, I'll eat it up.

To not just be pure negative, I do enjoy some of your prose.

She put her hand on the surface of the metal. The surface gently vibrated while her fingers slowly sank into the cluster that acted more like soft clay than hard metal.
She was right. The metal looked as if you were looking at the emptiness of the space with its shining parts and dance of colors, ranging from blue to deep purple.
Alice and the metal's minds connected.

The metal spoke to Alice and Alice alone before slowly cutting away a large chunk of itself.
It felt a sharp pain. It was ripping a part of its consciousness away, and any living being would have lost their sanity over this agony, but it endured it. For her, it was worth it.

These are pretty neat! Pretty evocative for something I don't have clear images for.

This uh took longer than I thought, so I hope this is helpful

 

[SirDogeTheFirst]

To preface, I've read a lot of mediocre garbage, so I have a tough time truly getting engaged with stuff, even if I really like it. I've actually never done something like this before, so I'm doing this on a whim. Keep in mind, while I'm an aspiring writer I'm actually dogshit at explaining things properly. I also don't know what you're looking for, so I'll just shoot blindly.

I'll start off with something I liked. The flow towards the end with the metal and Alice approaching it despite her father's pleas was pretty nice. The curt, seemingly monotone commands had impact. And I could feel the desperation in her father's actions and words.

Now for stuff I'm not a fan of:
In terms of flow, there's some fluff that can be just straight up cut. I said I liked the single word commands and their impact. But the sequential stuff really isn't necessary and kind of impedes what's going on. "Stop!" by itself would've been great. If you really want to follow it up with anything else, do a line break.

There's a lot of passive voice. "There was, it was, it has, she was, she had". I don't really agree with the whole "cut 99% of passive voice" idea, but it's good practice. There's just a lot of telling.

Speaking of, as for the content of the actual chapter, I just wouldn't continue reading it. I actually do the same thing as you: Write very basic ideas without fleshing them out in some way with prose. Writing cut and dry can work, but not in this case.

It reads like a fairy tale. The exposition is frontloaded, even if it isn't much. Your first sentence is great actually. It sets up a scene that we could get immersed in. Flickering lights in a dark corridor? An opening to a chamber with something mysterious? Hell yeah! You continue to set things up well in the next two sentences. But then I read "The metal was a tool of war" and my interest wanes. Normally I would've stopped there. Exposition like that is normally massive eye-rolls for me. And everything after that is explaining what the metal is, where it found itself, and a culture that developed around it. It's just not interesting.

The metal does this and that, it chooses its beholder, its fond of someone recently, etc. My eyes glaze over it because there isn't a story here. It's a history lesson.

This carries on to the descriptions of the characters. My interest shot back up when I saw someone was going to be introduced.

The first two sentences are fine. Could use touching up, but serviceable.
The third one however I have issue with. Same issue I've said before. "Over the years... the metal developed some emotions". I have some very minor gripes with the "Show don't tell" advice, but the core of it is important. I'd much rather see how the metal acts than be told how it feels.

And this just continues with everything else. She's compatible with the metal? Okay, can I see it? This child was more potent than her brother by magnitudes? Okaay, who are her brothers? Who is she even? The young child is accepting it the power already well? I'd rather this not be rushed.

In the end, I'm not immersed and I don't have connection to any characters.
I would have much preferred if you kept the opening line, and then showed Alice's father worrying and looking for his daughter. He'd be panicking and desperately looking for her. And he'd be stressing even more if she somehow found her way to the shrine--Somewhere she shouldn't be at. All the while you could dripfeed information about her brothers, the ceremony, and what the metal is. And then he'd turn the corner and find Alice right before the metal. And things would proceed as you'd written.

The trick is to sneak in the lore. Even if I love history, I don't want some random fiction's lore to be the first thing I see. But if it's told through a character I can empathize with, even if it's only been two sentences, I'll eat it up.

To not just be pure negative, I do enjoy some of your prose.


These are pretty neat! Pretty evocative for something I don't have clear images for.

This uh took longer than I thought, so I hope this is helpful

It was very helpful. I had my doubts on the entrance, which you pointed out, and perhaps giving more focus to the metal, then introducing Alice and the rest of the human characters next chapter would be better, and I can adjust the metal's nature later into the chapter and make it feel more natural to the flow.
Once again, thanks.

Edit: I added a sequence at the start where father searchs for Alice, trimmed the lore of the metal and put some parts of it into dialouge, and then just fixed some grammar, and finally added a short dialouge between alice and the metal.