I need reviews and criticism, in exchange......

[LuciferVermillion]

Feedbacks are important. You can't satisfy everyone with your story, but you can get a lot of different opinions from different readers.

So... I revised my first chapters of my story, and wanted some feedback or any criticism. Although I did asked for some in some threads, but it takes time for them to reach my post. Until it hit me, like, instead of waiting, why don't I just create one?

Any feedback is welcome, like, what's good, what's bad, the title, synopsis, plot, pace, characters, grammars, art, and so on.

This is the link to my story: The Impossible Fate That Leads To A God Of A New World
Genre: Fantasy + Sci-fi
Writing style: Japanese light novel first person perspective,
What to expect: Slow burner, Chapter 2 is a draft, Chapter 3 is where it begins (or maybe not), Chapter 4 will upload if you want

There's a lot, but I won't tell you to finish it.

Just read till where you think enough is enough, and write your review. For example:
I read till Chapter: 2.2
Reason you stopped: Why the heck are you writing a fried rice recipe?
My review: That fried rice recipe sucks!

You are free to write what you want, feel free to roast like Tempokai (I can take it).

So if you are thinking and feeling that, "Hey, why should we give you a review for free?"

Then here's an exchange (even though I don't really hope so), feel free to post your link, and I will do a review swap with you. Only if, you write a review back here in return.

A fair deal, no?

If I liked, means I've read your post.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

I stopped reading at the Table of Contents. Too many decimal places... is this a webnovel or a spreadsheet?

 

[LuciferVermillion]

I stopped reading at the Table of Contents. Too many decimal places... is this a webnovel or a spreadsheet?

More like an arc split into several subchapters, kek.

Here's a shortcut if you need it.

Prologue

 

[Hsinat]

I stopped reading at the Table of Contents. Too many decimal places... is this a webnovel or a spreadsheet?

As much as I hate to agree with you... you're right. I don't want to sound off rude, but I gave up reading after I read the first chapter.

TOO MANY SPACES BETWEEN LINES.

Where's the paragraphs?

Only plus points — the illustrations. Pretty damn solid.

MY REPORT -

I read till Chapter: 1.4

Reason I stopped: Some sentences feel awkward or have minor errors.
The line spacing. I think it's because of my fever making my eyes budge out.

My review: It's a fun, action-packed start with strong humour and engaging characters. With a bit of refinement in exposition, grammar, and descriptions, it could easily be an 8.5/10 or higher.

 

[LuciferVermillion]

As much as I hate to agree with you... you're right. I don't want to sound off rude, but I gave up reading after I read the first chapter.

TOO MANY SPACES BETWEEN LINES.

Where's the paragraphs?

Only plus points — the illustrations. Pretty damn solid

MY REPORT -

I read till Chapter: 1.4
Reason I stopped: Some sentences feel awkward or have minor errors.
The line spacing. I think it's cuz of my fever making my eyes budge out.
My review: It's a fun, action-packed start with strong humour and engaging characters. With a bit of refinement in exposition, grammar, and descriptions, it could easily be an 8.5/10 or higher.

Thanks a lot. Will be edited.

PAINNNNN. I DON'T WANNA EDITTTTT.

 

[Hsinat]

Thanks a lot. Will be edited.

PAINNNNN. I DON'T WANNA EDITTTTT.

Noice. Keep it up! Also go check out my novel out as well. I need reviews so I can see from an outsider's POV how my story looks like.

 

[Jun_Sakazuki]

Thanks a lot. Will be edited.

PAINNNNN. I DON'T WANNA EDITTTTT.

You definitely should remove the excessive decimal places in your chapter titles. You have 67 overall chapters, but only Chapter 4 is visible because when you upload a chapter, it will only show the chapter title. Most people won't read a novel with less than 30 chapters, so those hidden chapters may be missing out on a lot of potential readers.

 

[LuciferVermillion]

Noice. Keep it up! Also go check out my novel out as well. I need reviews so I can see from an outsider's POV how my story looks like.

Will do. I will review in this thread.

You definitely should remove the excessive decimal places in your chapter titles. You have 67 overall chapters, but only Chapter 4 is visible because when you upload a chapter, it will only show the chapter title. Most people won't read a novel with less than 30 chapters, so those hidden chapters may be missing out on a lot of potential readers.

So one of my arc is like, at least 30k+ words, and every decimal had around 1k words. So how am I supposed to separate them?

 

[Jun_Sakazuki]

Will do. I will review in this thread.

So one of my arc is like, at least 30k+ words, and every decimal had around 1k words. So how am I supposed to separate them?

Why do you want to separate them? just change the chapter numbers,no need for decimal places.

Noice. Keep it up! Also go check out my novel out as well. I need reviews so I can see from an outsider's POV how my story looks like.

1. You should definitely put the chapter number so it will be easier for readers to track their progress and for potential readers to see how many chapters there are.

2. What's the purpose of the first chapter? Is it just to annoy your readers? If it is, it works.

3. It's too late now, but for next time, if you want to publish a new novel, make sure not to post all the chapters at once. Instead, publish 3 chapters initially, and then post one chapter every day to get more exposure.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

You definitely should remove the excessive decimal places in your chapter titles. You have 67 overall chapters, but only Chapter 4 is visible because when you upload a chapter, it will only show the chapter title. Most people won't read a novel with less than 30 chapters, so those hidden chapters may be missing out on a lot of potential readers.

That may only apply on mobile - I see a bunch of #.### chapters when I looked at it.
As for changing it, I've seen a bunch of different options, like
Chapter 3 - 1 A New Chapter
or Chapter 2 - Continuing the Story (3)
Just replacing the decimals with dashes can make it look less ... math-y.

 

[Jun_Sakazuki]

That may only apply on mobile - I see a bunch of #.### chapters when I looked at it.

I'm using my laptop

As for changing it, I've seen a bunch of different options, like
Chapter 3 - 1 A New Chapter
or Chapter 2 - Continuing the Story (3)
Just replacing the decimals with dashes can make it look less ... math-y.

Indeed

 

[LuciferVermillion]

3. It's too late now, but for next time, if you want to publish a new novel, make sure not to post all the chapters at once. Instead, publish 3 chapters initially, and then post one chapter every day to get more exposure.

This novel is 3 years old. You aren't reading the thread, are you? [So... I revised my first chapters of my story]

Editing in progress. I got cramps at my fingers from spamming down and delete.

That may only apply on mobile - I see a bunch of #.### chapters when I looked at it.
As for changing it, I've seen a bunch of different options, like
Chapter 3 - 1 A New Chapter
or Chapter 2 - Continuing the Story (3)
Just replacing the decimals with dashes can make it look less ... math-y.

Will do.

 

[wad]

I read three chapters, prologue, chapter 1, and chapter 2, and these are my thoughts.


First off your synopsis...

I’m not sure why you included the “What is fate?” part. For a synopsis, you want to tell the reader what your story is about in the first two sentences. In my opinion, I would remove the first part entirely. The second part is a lot stronger as an opener.

You could potentially add a mic drop moment to make it more impactful, but what you have is functional, and it’s not really worth changing unless you are looking to take it to god-tier territory.


Now your chapters...

TBH, I found them difficult to parse, even after the fixes to the spacing.

There’s a lot of action, but it doesn’t feel grounded in anything.

First, he’s hanging out with his sister. Then he’s jumping out of a plane. Then he’s fighting some ice queen.

I haven’t been given much information about the setting. I have no idea what the world looks like. I only have a vague sense of who the main character is.

Everything looks and feels badass, with plenty of humor to keep the reader’s attention. However, there’s nothing anchoring it all together. Because of that, the story is impossible to visualize. Everything is strung together through character dialogue, explosions, one-liners, and jargon. There’s very little to no description or breaks in between.

The chapters feel incredibly skeletal. The pacing is blisteringly fast, it's like you took the classic “show, don’t tell” advice to the extreme and decided never to tell the reader anything.

I think the story would improve elevenfold with just three decent-sized paragraphs of exposition to explain a few things and ease the reader into the world you are trying to describe.


Three must-have explanations:

• Who is the main character and why is he such a badass? Give me just a fraction of his backstory. You don’t have to reveal everything, but I need more than just “he’s an orphan.” Why is he so special that helicopters are arriving at his doorstep?
• What the hell is the Imperial Knights Academy? Give me a hint about why it’s important. Is it a mysterious organization? A school for badasses? What exactly is it?
• Where does this all take place? You mentioned the Bermuda Triangle, so Earth kind of? But then there are cat-people and Pink Drop trees? What does the environment actually look like?

Anyways...

those are just my thoughts. Overall 7/10, good baseline of a story, just needs a bit of fine-tuning.

My story is garbage, I need some advice to improve it.

Go ahead and give it a look.

 

[LuciferVermillion]

• Who is the main character and why is he such a badass? Give me just a fraction of his backstory. You don’t have to reveal everything, but I need more than just “he’s an orphan.” Why is he so special that helicopters are arriving at his doorstep?

Chapter 1.4 Chapter 5 – The Student Council President, Persia Silverlight

• What the hell is the Imperial Knights Academy? Give me a hint about why it’s important. Is it a mysterious organization? A school for badasses? What exactly is it?

Chapter 1.5 Chapter 6 – Enrollment Exam

• Where does this all take place? You mentioned the Bermuda Triangle, so Earth kind of? But then there are cat-people and Pink Drop trees? What does the environment actually look like?

Chapter 1.1 Chapter 2 – The First Person, Lucifer Nightwalker, there's a map in the spoiler right on top.

First off your synopsis...

Had been thinking about this ages ago, but, I really have no idea so I will leave it as it.

Now your chapters...

Yes, this I agree. It was something that I find it annoying, yet surprising useful at the same time. Plus, I really had no idea how to change it so I'll just stick to it.

The pacing is blisteringly fast

But this... err, really? I totally didn't realise...... It took me 27 chapters just to progress 2 days in the story......

I think the story would improve elevenfold with just three decent-sized paragraphs of exposition to explain a few things and ease the reader into the world you are trying to describe.

No idea what is this. Means?

My story is garbage, I need some advice to improve it.

Go ahead and give it a look.

I need the garbage link, dude.

 

[Hsinat]

Why do you want to separate them? just change the chapter numbers,no need for decimal places.

1. You should definitely put the chapter number so it will be easier for readers to track their progress and for potential readers to see how many chapters there are.

2. What's the purpose of the first chapter? Is it just to annoy your readers? If it is, it works.

3. It's too late now, but for next time, if you want to publish a new novel, make sure not to post all the chapters at once. Instead, publish 3 chapters initially, and then post one chapter every day to get more exposure.

1. The chapters aren't supposed to be numbered. Each title has a foreshadowing hint making them equivalent in value.

The lower case — some past distant memories, nightmares, or past events

The upper case — hints for the upcoming chapters or the prompt of the current chapters

2. In the books, we have the first two pages with the maps, and the dedications. It's just like that but, for some reason my maps aren't showing the way I want it to be.
I am still resolving it.
That's why I have removed the links and pictures and there are some blank space.

I didn't want to mention it to the public about my issue.

3. Yup, learnt it over time.

 

[LuciferVermillion]

Noice. Keep it up! Also go check out my novel out as well. I need reviews so I can see from an outsider's POV how my story looks like.

Might suggest you to change to a bolder font without ITALIC so that I wouldn't have to squint my eyes so hard and tilt my head ever so slightly just to read a narrative paragraph. But, I'm not sure whether ITALIC is necessary in a narrative though. Suit yourself.

---

First, I start with the title.

The Walker’s Series : Reborn

No idea what that means, but titles nowadays doesn't affect me that much due to Japanese novels having a damn long title, so I completely skipped it.

---

Synopsis.

Ah, yes, a post-apocalypse novel.
You see, the problem about post-apocalypse novel is that there isn’t really a villian other than the horde of nameless monsters.
All you have is survival. So, the conflicts are usually the environment, creatures, monsters, internal conflicts, and supporting characters.
In simpler terms, what you need to present in your work is...

HOPE.

To never give up, no matter what.

---

Contents.

???????.

I really have to specifically make a remark of this. You made me scroll my mouse like a madman just to find that two sentence + a spoiler.
A good start, and a bad one, depending on your readers.
Good means: wow, I really had to scroll my mouse.
Bad means: you made me scroll my mouse.

Plot.

There's nothing much I could say about the Prologue.
And I find myself lost after I finish ASHLEY’S LAST BIRTHDAY, companionship, OLD TOWN ROAD.
I was lost because a six year old time-skipped all of a sudden to a teenager?, then time-skipped back to 6 years ago in the following chapter.
And so, I was lost when I hit OLD TOWN ROAD.
Completely lost with my head popping lots of [???].

World background.

Ah, yes, a post-apocalypse novel.
But this doesn't mean you could skip the apocalypse looking background;
Suddenly teleporting and skipping timelines;
And don't have a focus on what you are trying to tell in each chapter.

---

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to finish your story before writing this biased review. Because everyone's opinion is biased.

Overall, a 50-50.

Splendid first two chapters.

You need some work to tell what you want to your readers. Always back to the main focus, HOPE.

---

This novel is 3 years old. You aren't reading the thread, are you? [So... I revised my first chapters of my story]

Editing in progress. I got cramps at my fingers from spamming down and delete.

Will do.

Whoops.

Why do you want to separate them? just change the chapter numbers,no need for decimal places.

1. You should definitely put the chapter number so it will be easier for readers to track their progress and for potential readers to see how many chapters there are.

2. What's the purpose of the first chapter? Is it just to annoy your readers? If it is, it works.

3. It's too late now, but for next time, if you want to publish a new novel, make sure not to post all the chapters at once. Instead, publish 3 chapters initially, and then post one chapter every day to get more exposure.

Totally missed out that this is about @Hsinat. Lol.

 

[Hsinat]

Whoops.

Totally missed out that this is about @Hsinat. Lol.

Second-hand embarrassment.

Might suggest you to change to a bolder font without ITALIC so that I wouldn't have to squint my eyes so hard and tilt my head ever so slightly just to read a narrative paragraph. But, I'm not sure whether ITALIC is necessary in a narrative though. Suit yourself.

Yea, it's supposed to differentiate between the times.
In other parts, it's a French accent hint.
Bold — British accent.
But the fact that two people have mentioned it by now, I am thinking of changing it.

First, I start with the title.

The Walker’s Series : Reborn

No idea what that means, but titles nowadays doesn't affect me that much due to Japanese novels having a damn long title, so I completely skipped it.

It's a spoiler...

Synopsis.

Ah, yes, a post-apocalypse novel.
You see, the problem about post-apocalypse novel is that there isn’t really a villian other than the horde of nameless monsters.
All you have is survival. So, the conflicts are usually the environment, creatures, monsters, internal conflicts, and supporting characters.
In simpler terms, what you need to present in your work is...

HOPE.

To never give up, no matter what.

Dude just read... it's not zombies...
Don't think about hope. It's in the gutter along with happiness and joy.

Contents.

???????.

I really have to specifically make a remark of this. You made me scroll my mouse like a madman just to find that two sentence + a spoiler.
A good start, and a bad one, depending on your readers.
Good means: wow, I really had to scroll my mouse.
Bad means: you made me scroll my mouse.

I mentioned the issue before....

Plot.

There's nothing much I could say about the Prologue.
And I find myself lost after I finish ASHLEY’S LAST BIRTHDAY, companionship, OLD TOWN ROAD.
I was lost because a six year old time-skipped all of a sudden to a teenager?, then time-skipped back to 6 years ago in the following chapter.
And so, I was lost when I hit OLD TOWN ROAD.
Completely lost with my head popping lots of [???].

I mentioned it before... use your brain more creatively... no offence, man.

World background.

Ah, yes, a post-apocalypse novel.
But this doesn't mean you could skip the apocalypse looking background;
Suddenly teleporting and skipping timelines;
And don't have a focus on what you are trying to tell in each chapter.

Prologue?? I ain't skipping timelines, it's a resurfaced memory...
Is my writing that bad?
Where did I go wrong here?
Should I mention these all in the glossary?
Is it not evident enough?
Focus is just of them in their daily lives....

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to finish your story before writing this biased review. Because everyone's opinion is biased.

Overall, a 50-50.

Splendid first two chapters.

You need some work to tell what you want to your readers. Always back to the main focus, HOPE.

It's pretty evident that you haven't read it to INSPECTION.

EDIT -

I am sound off rude, but it's just that my mood is pretty pissed about something that I learnt today.

 

[LuciferVermillion]

It's pretty evident that you haven't read it to INSPECTION.

Yes, as I mentioned.

---

use your brain more creatively... no offence, man.

No offence, man. If I were to use my brain, I were to read a step-by-step hundred pages manual on how to create sticky bombs so I could bomb off that annoying dog next to my house who barks like a recorder.

I thought reading is supposed to be a relaxing thing. I don't think readers like to squeeze their brain juices like cramming themselves into studies before an exam.

---

Prologue?? I ain't skipping timelines, it's a resurfaced memory...
Is my writing that bad?
Where did I go wrong here?
Should I mention these all in the glossary?
Is it not evident enough?
Focus is just of them in their daily lives....

I think you should mention these in the spoilers.

The lower case — some past distant memories, nightmares, or past events

The upper case — hints for the upcoming chapters or the prompt of the current chapters

It's not bad. It's your method of presentation.
Maybe you need some writing that could transition smoothly between the chapters. 3.
Glossary? What's that?
Read 3. Can't find it? Learn the importance of numbers.
Now that's a really dangerous one. That's a sign of 'I don't know what I'm going to write'. Readers would get bored easily if it's just about daily lives. It's like sailing a boat on a sea alone, with no destination on sight.

 

[Hsinat]

Yes, as I mentioned.

---

use your brain more creatively... no offence, man.
No offence, man. If I were to use my brain, I were to read a step-by-step hundred pages manual on how to create sticky bombs so I could bomb off that annoying dog next to my house who barks like a recorder.

I thought reading is supposed to be a relaxing thing. I don't think readers like to squeeze their brain juices like cramming themselves into studies before an exam.

Yea, I agree with you.

---

I think you should mention these in the spoilers.

It could work. I will revise it.

It's not bad. It's your method of presentation.
Maybe you need some writing that could transition smoothly between the chapters. 3.
Glossary? What's that?
Read 3. Can't find it? Learn the importance of numbers.

It's sarcasm, right?

Now that's a really dangerous one. That's a sign of 'I don't know what I'm going to write'. Readers would get bored easily if it's just about daily lives. It's like sailing a boat on a sea alone, with no destination on sight.

No, THAT chapter is about their daily life. THAT chapter's focus is a routine in their daily life. A GLIMPSE before the next chapters.
TBH, at this rate I am just gonna spoil my whole murder scheme.

 

[LuciferVermillion]

No, THAT chapter is about their daily life. THAT chapter's focus is a routine in their daily life. A GLIMPSE before the next chapters.
TBH, at this rate I am just gonna spoil my whole murder scheme.

Ahhh, I see. That's what I meant by a [???]. Save the scheme for your readers.

It's sarcasm, right?

It was.