I just published the 10th Chapter of my story, and I'd like to hear some fresh thoughts and opinions.

[Deleted member 29081]

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/130525/the-unchosen-one/

In return, give me a story you want some feedback on, and I would be happy to provide it.

 

[Freesia.Cutepearl]

Added to my reading list,
IDK when I'll get to it but,
yell at me in a while and see, lol.

 

[Deleted member 29316]

I'll check it out as well.

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

Ufffff, why such low ratings.

 

[Deleted member 29081]

Ufffff, why such low ratings.

That’s what I’m trying to figure out.

 

[Angry_Clown]

The formatting is approximately horrible.

It most likely contains only short dozen-word paragraphs.

Not much explanation or information in between.

Like trying to fish out a needle from a stack of needles.

I'm only commenting on the latest chapter, btw.

The flow of storytelling is also brutally broken by irrelevant inserts.

Instead of hard information the descriptions most likely contain loose approximations.




The story might be interesting, but the questionable style and formatting choices make it a challenge to read overall, blotting any potential this story might have had otherwise. The conversations only contain dialog. In-between there's a weird mix of third-person storyteller and first-person internal musings. The storyteller seems unsure of the world they're describing. It just rubs me in the wrong way and makes the whole thing an unmemorable mess that I don't want to read again.

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

That’s what I’m trying to figure out.

Aegis, aegidos. Aigises might be the correct English plural, but it just sounds terrible in my ears. I recommend using the Greek plural "aegides". Flows better.

But aside from that, you have a target audience with high standards. You can be pretty successful with mediocre and even terrible writing here on scribble as long as you write about smut, gender bender, girl love, harem, Isekai, LitRPGs. The crowd reads everything and doesn't care much about quality. They genuinely don't care.

Example of place 1 on the current trending list.

“Haaah, finally a bed! *poomf*. . .*creeaak*. . . Am I really, that heavy?. . . No answer huh.” I said as I fondled my now, envious chest.


‘Having her genes feels amazing!’


–“Mngh-ahn!!” I moaned


I had brushed my nipple while ‘experimenting’ with my chest.


–“Oh no, I got turned on . . . Mnnn.” I said as I continued.


Suddenly, my crotch began to feel like it was on fire. My mini-me, started to wake from its slumber! . . . One by one, my clothing became scarce until none was left.

You have none of these tags and will thus have a hard time. Your readers will expect more from you.

 

[EternalSunset0]

I've only checked the first chapter, but so far I don't think your work warrants those 1-star votes. You actually write pretty well for someone just writing and publishing on sites like this, if you were to ask me. I mean, just look at your prose compared to the one @Assurbanipal_II quoted lol.

Personally, the formatting did not bother me, but I can see why it would, just as an above poster said. Then again, I think it has to do with my background because more than half the stuff I read and are strongly influenced by are formatted and written like this.

Spoiler: Excerpt from one of the LNs I have read

Naruse Mio, chased out of the Toujo House, came to a park on a hill with Maria.

It was the park, where she had watched the sunset after cycling around the city on Basara's bicycle.

—30 minutes since they had arrived there. Mio silently watched the glow of the city at night.

It was a beautiful sight. The glow of the buildings and the light of cars or trains appeared just like an illumination. Mio thought, if that was how it looked when one looked down from the stars in the sky.

…Just like he said.

Remembering about the guy that taught her about this beautiful view, Mio frowned slightly.

"I knew coming together would be impossible…"

Back then, Mio had replied with a vague answer on Basara's suggestion. Because she had known. That there wouldn't be such a chance. Ever since they met, they had deceived Basara.

If I really had to nitpick anything, I would say that I can't get a feel of your world in the first chapter. I mean, I kinda have an idea of what the setting is like, but I would like it to be more pronounced. Probably some descriptions (that don't bog down the flow) and having the characters interact with the environment can help.

Plus, I cannot make reads out of the characters. That's where my trope/archetype love comes in. I want to be able to guess a general direction or template for the characters from the get-go to help my expectations, and that actually makes me want to keep going to see those expectations met.

Take note, however, that I don't speak for everyone, and all I'm saying is just from my own lens. Everyone's mileage may vary, but those are my quick thoughts.

Also, it's just the first chapter, so it probably isn't time for me to give such evaluations yet. I'll keep reading and dropping some feedback directly next time when I get the chance to proceed.

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

I've only checked the first chapter, but so far I don't think your work warrants those 1-star votes. You actually write pretty well for someone just writing and publishing on sites like this, if you were to ask me. I mean, just look at your prose compared to the one @Assurbanipal_II quoted lol.

Personally, the formatting did not bother me, but I can see why it would, just as an above poster said. Then again, I think it has to do with my background because more than half the stuff I read and are strongly influenced by are formatted and written like this.

Spoiler: Excerpt from one of the LNs I have read

Naruse Mio, chased out of the Toujo House, came to a park on a hill with Maria.

It was the park, where she had watched the sunset after cycling around the city on Basara's bicycle.

—30 minutes since they had arrived there. Mio silently watched the glow of the city at night.

It was a beautiful sight. The glow of the buildings and the light of cars or trains appeared just like an illumination. Mio thought, if that was how it looked when one looked down from the stars in the sky.

…Just like he said.

Remembering about the guy that taught her about this beautiful view, Mio frowned slightly.

"I knew coming together would be impossible…"

Back then, Mio had replied with a vague answer on Basara's suggestion. Because she had known. That there wouldn't be such a chance. Ever since they met, they had deceived Basara.

If I really had to nitpick anything, I would say that I can't get a feel of your world in the first chapter. I mean, I kinda have an idea of what the setting is like, but I would like it to be more pronounced. Probably some descriptions (that don't bog down the flow) and having the characters interact with the environment can help.

Plus, I cannot make reads out of the characters. That's where my trope/archetype love comes in. I want to be able to guess a general direction or template for the characters from the get-go to help my expectations, and that actually makes me want to keep going to see those expectations met.

Take note, however, that I don't speak for everyone, and all I'm saying is just from my own lens. Everyone's mileage may vary, but those are my quick thoughts.

Also, it's just the first chapter, so it probably isn't time for me to give such evaluations yet. I'll keep reading and dropping some feedback directly next time when I get the chance to proceed.

Indeed, short sentences and paragraph are typical for current web novels. It is a matter of being used to certain styles. For many, my writing might seem void and empty too, but I think the contrary about their writing. Their formatting is full of palavering and redundancies.

 

[Freesia.Cutepearl]

I read the first two chapters and the first bit of the 10th chapter(up to meanwhile).

I think it's alright. I had to re-read some stuff a couple of times, but that's likely just me. I have to do that often. I found it pretty easy to read through.

Actually, it's funny, the example @EternalSunset0 used in their excerpt, I found it amazingly difficult to read. I had to re-read it 6 times. For some reason, I find it easier to read things I can bite into, as opposed to paragraphs of one or two sentences. My brain just dies. I am weird.

One thing I can say I find really annoying is the inconsistent paragraph lengths, but then, this is just me, possibly. Especially the very long ones. And I'm sure I've messed this up at times in my own story too. I find a variance of one or two lines(at the 22px I read at) the easier to read.

Here is a sample of your story:

Now for reference, here is how I've done the length in one of my recent chapters:

I'm not really sure how others will feel, and my writing is certainly no example. As @Assurbanipal_II has pointed ut to me a lot already, I have way more issues than I originally realized. I'm not sure how long you've been writing, I'm barely over a month in.

I can say I found your chapter lengths, what I read, pretty nice, no complaints there. This is my opinion and preference, but I find anything below 1000 words insanely short most times. 2000 to 3000 seems reasonable, and enough time to get immersed a bit and feel invested. 4000 to 6000 and I'm in freaking VR land in my mind with the story.

I can't say I understand the low ratings people are giving your story. I have no room to talk I suppose given I've got some of the things people say attracts readers who don't care. "Smut, Gender Bender, Isekai, and LitRPG"

Actually speaking of that, the excerpt @Assurbanipal_II posted of the "Number 1" story -- oof, I feel so cringe. But, I imagine I've not written great things either, though, somehow I'd like to hope it's not on that level.

Also, I've never understood the obsession with massive tits. Seriously, be practical people. Really though, is there any good way to write about sex? I say that, but, I got a lot of nice advice from Moonpearl previously. Hopefully, it paid off, and my 13th chapter is not as cringe as that excerpt was.

I'm trying to think if I can say anything else useful here, uhm, I guess this is being nitpicky, and I'm sure I'm guilty of it too. Sometimes there are things we think we need to say when we might not really.

Neither of the two had to exchange any more words. The senior knew exactly why his son had called out to him and what needed to be done. Kneeling down, he used his immense adult strength to force open the teeth of the bear trap. "Move her leg out, son," he shouted, holding the trap open.

I don't really feel like the bit "used his immense adult strength" was needed. To me it felt like you were trying to emphasize how the kid couldn't open the trap and an adult could. But as @Assurbanipal_II has told me before with some things I've written, that's sort of implied and could be guessed.

Thing is, personally, while I might read that and be like, eh, not needed, I'm not going to dock you much for it. Maybe it's because I've been writing myself, I don't know.

I kind of feel like, unless you're going to spend weeks handcrafting every single sentence *cough* @Assurbanipal_II *cough* it's not something I, personally would as a reader, care much about unless it became overly done and obnoxious.

Well, I can't think of anything else, so... good luck?

Oh and... uhm, seeing as I've been critical, I feel the need to say, you don't have to read my thousands and thousands of words and tell me how bad I am. No need, not at all, it'd be too much trouble, please avoid the eye strain.

Actually, @Assurbanipal_II already has. Productively, of course. <3
P.S. Where is the next chapter of Schwarz?! WHERE?! Imma take your cookie.

 

[EternalSunset0]

Actually, it's funny, the example @EternalSunset0 used in their excerpt, I found it amazingly difficult to read. I had to re-read it 6 times. For some reason, I find it easier to read things I can bite into, as opposed to paragraphs of one or two sentences. My brain just dies. I am weird.

At least it shows us what not to do.

 

[Freesia.Cutepearl]

At least it shows us what not to do.

Fun fact, in my post, like above, I tend to type in long paragraphs, then I split them up to be easier for people to read.

I do similar in my writing, try to keep things reasonably split apart. The only time I do short sentences is for dialog because I have this awful compulsion to be explicitly clear with who is talking.

Edit: The compulsion is so bad I'd probably knock a star off of a rating I'd give a story just for two lines of dialog side by side with no marking of who said them. It's the one thing I ABSOLUTELY cannot stand. I... dunno why. I put up with worse. Edit2: That's assuming it's something they do repeatedly, and intentionally.

So I always add some reference like 'he said, she retorted, Lilith sighed, Nellie cheered' and so on, along with their dialog, and often little else.

Sometimes I break that convention but only when it seems to make sense to do so. Edit3: Break it as in, put dialog in a longer paragraph.

 

[Deleted member 29081]

The formatting is approximately horrible.

It most likely contains only short dozen-word paragraphs.

Not much explanation or information in between.

Like trying to fish out a needle from a stack of needles.

I'm only commenting on the latest chapter, btw.

The flow of storytelling is also brutally broken by irrelevant inserts.

Instead of hard information the descriptions most likely contain loose approximations.




The story might be interesting, but the questionable style and formatting choices make it a challenge to read overall, blotting any potential this story might have had otherwise. The conversations only contain dialog. In-between there's a weird mix of third-person storyteller and first-person internal musings. The storyteller seems unsure of the world they're describing. It just rubs me in the wrong way and makes the whole thing an unmemorable mess that I don't want to read again.

Damn, you don't pull any punches.

 

[Deleted member 29316]

Hello! I just finished reading the work, and here's my feedback.

Story Pacing: slow, but good pace. This is for readers that prefer a slow, relaxing read.

Grammar: there are some awkward sentence constructions that I encountered in some chapters, but overall, grammar is good.

Story Elements: world building is great. Your use of words pretty much stimulates the imagination of the reader.

Characters are pretty relatable, especially Irving (and I really want to punch Lucian in the face ?). Romance elements are what I call 'just right', which is great for the story.

However, there's a tendency to dump information in the chapters, which makes it hard for readers to follow. (I had to do re-reads for several times to remember which is which).

My suggestion is, it would be interesting to show the story concepts and elements (like country descriptions) through dialogue and mix it with the characters' emotions.

Overall, the story is good. Your use of words never bored me (and I wish I could write like that). However, it could be made better, and I hope this review helped you!

 

[Queenfisher]

At least it shows us what not to do.

But does it really? It seems stuff written like that or like what Assurbanipal quoted before is still not only being read, but also popular.

Which begs the question of what is even "good formatting" or "bad formatting" in popular fiction... At the very least, it is not a criteria of success -- something else is. Thus, it's easily dismissed in favor of other, more efficient criteria of gauging the specific "quality" of what gets read and what doesn't.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/130525/the-unchosen-one/

In return, give me a story you want some feedback on, and I would be happy to provide it.

I like your voice and the use of summarizing and internal monologue in your story. It has a nice flow when it's in the "Tell" segments, which almost all of the early chapters are. The only problems I'd ever have with it come up during the "Show" segments because, I feel, their flow is a bit weirder in comparison.

But it's a personal preference, so take it with a grain of salt. I personally don't like filter words in descriptive sentences of action or scenery. I usually skip such words automatically when I read, and you tend to use many.

I.e. "he saw that something was", "he heard that something was", "it became evident that", "it seemed that", "it felt as though it was". In most cases, they can be removed without losing any meaning to the content. E.g., "he saw that it was a girl" is exactly the same as "it was a girl", only flows smoother.

Thus, you would end up using words like "saw", "heard", "it seemed", "he felt" much rarer than now, and they would mean something very specific and important and would not be as skippable.

Then again, it's totally a preference and I know a lot of people seem to like filter words, for whatever reason. So it's all good to me. (But if I see any, I will skip them by reflex and such habit may, with time, expand to skipping other parts of your text if I think you overexplain something that is self-evident. Just how my brain works on prioritizing content-heavy information over needless clutter. Sorry).

 

[Deleted member 29316]

Also, knowing when to separate some ideas in your paragraphs could make it even better. Readers would have easier time in digesting the information, while at the same time, there's a clear separation of ideas.

 

[Angry_Clown]

Damn, you don't pull any punches.

Well, that's what you usually get when you ask a stranger's opinion on the internet.

That's why I never ask for it, because I'm the greatest fruitcake ever bread and muffin can change that.

 

[Deleted member 29081]

Alright, your reviews have been very helpful. Reply to this post with any stories you want me to provide feedback on. Thank you.

 

[Freesia.Cutepearl]

Then again, it's totally a preference and I know a lot of people seem to like filter words, for whatever reason. So it's all good to me. (But if I see any, I will skip them by reflex and such habit may, with time, expand to skipping other parts of your text if I think you overexplain something that is self-evident. Just how my brain works on prioritizing content-heavy information over needless clutter. Sorry).

Good lord, if you ever read my story your brain will have an aneurysm probably. I don't know, ask @Assurbanipal_II

 

[Queenfisher]

Good lord, if you ever read my story your brain will have an aneurysm probably. I don't know, ask @Assurbanipal_II

Lol, I read for content to challenge/educate myself or to expand my worldview, not for grammar or style. Like I said somewhere else -- I read MTL easily and don't mind it.

As long as you have something to say, I'll read it and enjoy it ^^.

I was nitpicking above because this thread was asking for it . But when I read -- you can rest assured that I latch onto the actual content and meaning (message/theme/character arcs/psychology/PHILOSOPHY if it's there ) of the story the most. The actual delivery is usually negligible to me.