So, I work as a chef. For those of you who don't know, the working hours of a chef is plain terrible, to say the least. You have to work on weekends and public holidays too. It's not helping that I have to study part-time to finish my degree study.
When I first start to work, I was pretty enthusiastic. After all, I always had an interest in cooking. Not even the huge workload and the long working hours can put me down. However, things had been changing these few months. I started to lose interest in my job, and going to work everyday became a drag. I was constantly hoping that time would go faster so that my shift would end. All I cared are going back to my house to play my games and write my novels.
At first, I cared a lot whenever I made mistakes during my shift. I would feel really guilty and keep on reminding myself not to make the same mistakes. Now? I just didn't care. I would think that if I didn't mess up, good. If I did, well, whatever.
I could tell that my colleagues were always sick of me making mistakes only a beginner would make (I've been working at the same restaurant for almost 10 months now btw), and I wanted to improve so that I could stop being a burden to them. Not anymore. A few days ago, one of them straight up asked me whether I'm putting my heart into my work. I gave him a half-hearted yes, while at the same time thinking, "I want to know the answer to that question, too."
I know I'm being a huge baby here, But I can't help it. I'm 30, still single, still living with my parents, doesn't have a safe amount of money in my bank account, and I'm causing nothing but trouble to my people around me. I'm slowly losing interest in literally everything, including on living. I was playing my games just now, and a random episode of depression hit me out of nowhere. I started to suffocate. It got so bad I stopped playing and come here so that I could write this with the hope that it would help. Well, it didn't. my chest is still heavy. Right now it's one in the morning where I'm from, my shift will start at 10, and I don't feel like sleeping since once I wake up the miserable cycle will begin anew.
That's all from me. If you read until the end, thanks for reading.
