Ah, sorry to be the buster of balls, but I was giving encouragement, not offering cash moni XD (I do do reviews though, after I get the Deeprot Wordpress site up I'll crosspost like I do with my main persona; which has young readers and non-fiction clients, hence the need for a new face to muddy up.
That's My Sister the Villainess, right? The erotic content is above par for Scribblehub in my opinion, top 20%. Third person omniscient is rather difficult to nail down to great effect but you're on a fast approach. I think I put a pause on it early on, have to start again. My first impressions were that the multi time skip segment at the beginning was fun but exhaustive, and that the text leans a bit too heavily into the references, enough to disrupt some readers before they can connect with Damien and his family. The Mushoku Tensei light novel had a similar problem with Rudeus' early perversions coming in inconvenient times- inconvenient to the reader, not the characters. It makes for some cringeworthy moments, and not in the fun, Watamote way.
As for the clip specifically, a lot of the descriptive bits focus on what was being done and their effects rather than evoking how it
feels and context-specific emotions, so it comes across as kind of scripty. The personification of body parts "a thumb flicked" "violet eyes hung" (but not "HER nipples stood painfully erect") is slightly over used and may be putting distance between the reader and the people doing the act, that's largely a stylistic thing though; different readers will have different opinions. When sentence structures and literary devices are repeated in close succession, however, you add on to the effect until you break it. The readability of the scene makes up for my gripes though.
A firm decent in my books.
