I am a failure as a friend

[Indicterra]

In all my life i have only 13 people whom I can call close or best friends, we were a group, They will never hear this from me until I am dead, but I consider the fact that we maintained the friendship with each other personaly and as a group for 16 long years the greatest achievement of my life.

And one of the very few right choices I made.

I am kinda of the jester of my group and no it was not the the mask I wear like in the stories you write and read to accepted into society.

That is who I am, I am not a serious person at all, I like to make jokes, I like to be easygoing, making people laugh, one of my toxic trait is to laugh at extreme situation and that why these guys are precious to me cause with them I can be myself. When I make jokes if it is good they laugh at it, and if its bad they still laugh..... but at me which I don't mind at all, Contrary I love it.

Because I know my friend became my friends in the first place for being myself.

But few days ago something happened, one of my friend called me crying told me his mother passed away, I didn't said much but "I am coming", I informed the group just in case and took the bike to his home.

He was in his room weeping, and here I realised I have nothing, I couldn't crack jokes, I cannot make a guy who lost his mom laugh and every time I tried opened my mouth I was afraid that I will hurt him with my insensitive comments.

I couldn't do anything other than hold his shoulder and slowly ruffle his hair as he cried, One by one friends showed up, all of them had proper words to Console him, but I couldn't muster up a proper sentense without overthinking it be insensetive. I couldn't say anything of value, I stood their awkwardly

And in the end you want to know what I said "Leave it bro". "Are you okay"

I wanted to beat myself back then, like how is he gonna leave it, this was not him getting dumbed by his gf just to leave it and what do you mean by 'are you okay?' the dude is weeping after loosing the most important person inthe world, ofcourse he is not okay.

No one said anything but I blame myself, I was useless back then, few of my friends did tried to console me saying that it was not that bad as I make it be and reminded me I was the first one he contacted, that he probably wanted my company to make him forget some pain with unserious attitude of mine or something

But for me that just make it worse, he called me first and all I did was to make it worse.

So can you help me, how can I console a man who just lost his mother

 

[MatchaChocolate69]

To be fair, there are no suitable words to console someone who has suffered such a loss. The only thing one can do is be there and make them feel that they are not alone. Those who have experienced this loss need to let go and express their pain. Only then will it be time for words.

Now is the time for tears and sorrow

 

[BernKatstel]

To be fair, there are no suitable words to console someone who has suffered such a loss. The only thing one can do is be there and make them feel that they are not alone. Those who have experienced this loss need to let go and express their pain. Only then will it be time for words.

Now is the time for tears and sorrow

Nicely said. Friends and family being present is what matters. Making it clear you care about them by visiting or checking up on them during the initial phase of grief is particularly important. I wouldn’t recommend ever broaching the subject unless they bring it up first afterwards. If they show any worrying signs later on contact a professional.

 

[Indicterra]

To be fair, there are no suitable words to console someone who has suffered such a loss. The only thing one can do is be there and make them feel that they are not alone. Those who have experienced this loss need to let go and express their pain. Only then will it be time for words.

Now is the time for tears and sorrow

I can't help but think, I could have done more

But I don't know what I could have done differently

 

[Yokem]

Well, you certainly messed up, bro. I won't deny it. Also, I will agree with the rest of your friends that it's not a big deal, and it's unnecessary to make one out of it. I have been in similar situations, and it's fair to say that when getting a call like that, it's quite a shock to you as well. Put in such a spot, most people would hardly know how or what to say to express themselves properly.

As the other commenter stated, you were there for them, which is a lot more than 99% of people would actually do. If your friend will hold a grudge over this, then it's his failure.

Let me tell you an anecdote of sort, but one that is true and a personal experience. When one of my distant relatives passed away and we went to the funeral, my father was in so much distress that he actually congratulated to one of the grieving family members instead of expressing his sympathies.

Obviously, it was completely unintentional. And they looked like they didn't even notice, while I was looking cross-eyed a step behind him, half panicking in my mind.

In short, shock and grief are not exactly sensible things. On the other hand, you should fricking put your act together regarding being unable to talk about serious things. That is simply... sad.

 

[Bobple]

I can't help but think, I could have done more

But I don't know what I could have done differently

I've learned the mythical "More" doesn't really exist. No matter how hard you try, a person is limited by who they are and there experiences.

That you did the best you could, there was no more you could give at the time, no matter how much you wished.

It won't be easy, but don't worry about what you could've done better for that moment, just keep being there for him. Be there when he needs a support or a hug.

 

[RepresentingDesire]

I believe such words are absolutely useless in situations where emotions are completely in control, you can do anything you want but a person that's crying out their soul can't give a fuck because they are occupied with grieving. It seems a midly intense reaction after the death so he would be probably able to understand your intentions?

 

[greyblob]

only 13. 13 is a very big number for friends let alone close friends. also, you do not need to say anything to console somone. just being there is enough

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

 

[Rhaps]

This kind of moment didn't need words, you should've just stay by his side and be there. Just by being there provides some sort of comfort to him.

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

In all my life i have only 13 people whom I can call close or best friends, we were a group, They will never hear this from me until I am dead, but I consider the fact that we maintained the friendship with each other personaly and as a group for 16 long years the greatest achievement of my life.

And one of the very few right choices I made.

I am kinda of the jester of my group and no it was not the the mask I wear like in the stories you write and read to accepted into society.

That is who I am, I am not a serious person at all, I like to make jokes, I like to be easygoing, making people laugh, one of my toxic trait is to laugh at extreme situation and that why these guys are precious to me cause with them I can be myself. When I make jokes if it is good they laugh at it, and if its bad they still laugh..... but at me which I don't mind at all, Contrary I love it.

Because I know my friend became my friends in the first place for being myself.

But few days ago something happened, one of my friend called me crying told me his mother passed away, I didn't said much but "I am coming", I informed the group just in case and took the bike to his home.

He was in his room weeping, and here I realised I have nothing, I couldn't crack jokes, I cannot make a guy who lost his mom laugh and every time I tried opened my mouth I was afraid that I will hurt him with my insensitive comments.

I couldn't do anything other than hold his shoulder and slowly ruffle his hair as he cried, One by one friends showed up, all of them had proper words to Console him, but I couldn't muster up a proper sentense without overthinking it be insensetive. I couldn't say anything of value, I stood their awkwardly

And in the end you want to know what I said "Leave it bro". "Are you okay"

I wanted to beat myself back then, like how is he gonna leave it, this was not him getting dumbed by his gf just to leave it and what do you mean by 'are you okay?' the dude is weeping after loosing the most important person inthe world, ofcourse he is not okay.

No one said anything but I blame myself, I was useless back then, few of my friends did tried to console me saying that it was not that bad as I make it be and reminded me I was the first one he contacted, that he probably wanted my company to make him forget some pain with unserious attitude of mine or something

But for me that just make it worse, he called me first and all I did was to make it worse.

So can you help me, how can I console a man who just lost his mother

Just in the case I wasn't clear, my proposal was to hug him.

 

[RepresentingWrath]

Hug.

 

[KoyukiMegumi]

Some weep and shriek at a loss, while others freeze and show little emotion; heck, some may act completely normal. As a nurse, I've seen many sides of grief; honestly, I find both a way to cope. Some disconnect until much later, while others attach to it.

How do you know you made it worse? I may sound harsh, but making it all about how you did him wrong seems like you are making it about yourself when it isn't. This isn't about what you did but what happened to him. Measely words can't undo it or make it worse, as the worse already happened.

You handled the situation as best you could; be proud that you could comfort him in what you didn't do with words; you did with actions. Staying by him, even a simple shoulder touch screams monumental comfort, even if you don't believe it.

If you want to do more, take him somewhere he enjoys once everything is over. Don't let him be alone, as depression may creep over. If he withdraws, remind him you are there. Remembering what you did wrong or didn't won't help him.

I wish the best for your friend.

 

[Indicterra]

Some weep and shriek at a loss, while others freeze and show little emotion; heck, some may act completely normal. As a nurse, I've seen many sides of grief; honestly, I find both a way to cope. Some disconnect until much later, while others attach to it.

How do you know you made it worse? I may sound harsh, but making it all about how you did him wrong seems like you are making it about yourself when it isn't. This isn't about what you did but what happened to him. Measely words can't undo it or make it worse, as the worse already happened.

You handled the situation as best you could; be proud that you could comfort him in what you didn't do with words; you did with actions. Staying by him, even a simple shoulder touch screams monumental comfort, even if you don't believe it.

If you want to do more, take him somewhere he enjoys once everything is over. Don't let him be alone, as depression may creep over. If he withdraws, remind him you are there. Remembering what you did wrong or didn't won't help him.

I wish the best for your friend.

I was thinking of taking him to a movie this Friday, my logic was what he need was a few laughs so I thinking of deadpool.

But again all I think is that whether this would be insensetive of me, asking him to go to a movie and or hang out when he is grieving

 

[KoyukiMegumi]

I was thinking of taking him to a movie this Friday, my logic was what he need was a few laughs so I thinking of deadpool.

But again all I think is that whether this would be insensetive of me, asking him to go to a movie and or hang out when he is grieving

There isn't a correct way to grieve, but there is a way for him to slip into depression because of it—no harm in asking.

If he says yes, then go, if not, find another way to help him out of his shell.

 

[Yokem]

I was thinking of taking him to a movie this Friday, my logic was what he need was a few laughs so I thinking of deadpool.

But again all I think is that whether this would be insensetive of me, asking him to go to a movie and or hang out when he is grieving

That's... definitely don't do that. Or anything that reminds him of dying, death and suffering... Deadpool... seriously, man? Go out for a walk and speak about anything other, or find a movie that isn't about killing people dying in every single frame. Alright? Go play bowling or literally anything that, instead of distracting him from death, brings him back to the subject.

 

[Indicterra]

That's... definitely don't do that. Or anything that reminds him of dying, death and suffering... Deadpool... seriously, man? Go out for a walk and speak about anything other, or find a movie that isn't about killing people dying in every single frame. Alright? Go play bowling or literally anything that, instead of distracting him from death, brings him back to the subject.

But he said yes. ...now what do I do.


I didn't thought much of it, he was hardcore Marvel fan, I just thought it might be helpful.....fuck I knew I was insensetive

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

You are not a failure, but I would recommend learning how to be serious when it counts.

 

[owotrucked]

OP failed the quick time event

My advice is that you don't need to stick to your comic relief ego so much. Don't obsess over it, because actually that ego might not be the best equipped to deal with that situation. If you want to help anyone, you might need to change your mindset: Perhaps, you're too overly conscious of yourself. For instance, your posts mention a lot about how you felt, how you failed, your guilt, and even had to be comforted by your friends.

I might be wrong, but if you're toxic jester, there are chances that you have a quick witty mind, that can quickly observe things and values things in a functional way. For instance, your post feels like you're trying to solve some mechanical problem where you have to perform X or Y actions to obtain Z result. Therefore, it is ill-suited for an emotional problem that isn't solved through external actions in the real world, but through abstract, internal process in the mind.

Actually, the sense of failure you experience, might be the realization that your natural predisposition isn't doing well in that situation. But you wished to be the pillar to support your friend in the critical moments. But if that's the case, I recommend you to not try to take a major role for this specific situation. This might be the moment where your other, more emotional, friends must take the spotlight. Just stay available to listen, and remember that there are other situations where you can shine, and that doesn't devalue your friendship in any way just because you can't succeed at everything.

Perhaps, your friend wished that his pain could be relieved with X or Y method like you're suited to do, but unfortunately reality might be different.

If you're ready to go outside of your comfort zone and clumsily navigate into your emotional side, don't be scared that your efforts falls short of your friend's expectations. Don't worry because they are prolly too busy with their own pain to even hold any expectation. If you truly want to help, forget your status within your group friend. Don't worry about looking good. If you end up being a failure or a loser, so what? Is that more important than helping your friend? Direct all your actions towards supporting your friend, anything else is irrelevant.

There's nothing to be ashamed about being inexperienced with people in emotional distress, especially grieving a loss.

"Are you okay" might sound too vague, but getting a better understanding of your friend state was indeed a valid approach. If you don't know what state they are, how can you know what they need? It's normal to use vague questions than deliberate and specific ones. It's your functional mind that fails to see the value of such question, because in a functional concrete world, it doesn't seem to make the situation any better.

Generally, emotional pain is relieved through the realization that they're not alone in their suffering. So, showing interest in their emotional state, then identifying and acknowledging their problem is the general way you support someone in a situation that cannot be solved through action (unless you can rez people).

Grief can go through many stages, and the goal is to reach peace with acceptance. The bereaved might experience self-torture like bargaining "if only I did this or that" and regrets "I should have spent more time with her and be more loving". There's no correct answer to these highly specific scenarios, but only understanding. You can validate their feelings, entertain their hypothetical stories, or disagree, and this might be scary because it might change them in profound ways

Since you need an introspective mind to advance these stages, you should aim for calm introspective activities rather than distracting ones such as movie going. Perhaps, just share a coffee in a park while awkwardly watching the cloud is what they need most. Actually, just standing there holding their shoulder was actually enough of a good move. If you truly have a hard time understanding that, then take a sit out from this situation and stay available for your friend if he needs more concrete activities like going to movies.

 

[KoyukiMegumi]

But he said yes. ...now what do I do.


I didn't thought much of it, he was hardcore Marvel fan, I just thought it might be helpful.....fuck I knew I was insensetive

If he said yes, TAKE him. Don't listen to others. Death is a part of life, and we are surrounded by it. We are overly sensitive, but it isn't us. If he is fine with it and loves Dead Pool, seeing heads roll doesn't remind him of his mom. He'll focus on the movie. Heck, how many of us binge-watch shows filled with death and other things?

Dead Pool has nothing to do with his loss, and if he enjoys it, so be it. Like I said, there are many ways to cope; what works for others isn't the same for you.

Do what HE wants no one else.

On the side, the movie was great! It'll be a great way to keep his mind off things. Especially if he is a fan!