I sit here at the end with all the facts before me. I write out our history, Joshua– yours and mine.
There is substantial inconsistency in your use of dashes and em dashes. There are at least two correct uses of em dashes in this chapter, so I suspect this is something that just indicates you need another few rounds of editing, but my overall suggestion is to just use the em dashes and to make sure they are flush with the words on either side of them. If you want to use dashes in place of the em dashes, the standard I see most often is to have a space on either side, rather than only on the end.
Joshua Rasgard took cause and effect as more suggestion.
As more suggestion than what? More denotes a comparative, so you'll have to compare here to finish the thought.
I'll look so surprised, he thought, a cocksure grin eclipsing the previous facial contortion.
I would strongly reconsider the use of the term "facial contortion". Consider: does this word choice fit stylistically with what came before it? Also, if you just use the term "expression", you cut two words down into one word and fulfill at least two of Strunks and White's mandates: "omit needless words" and "avoid fancy words."
Joshua would run for no reason at all because it was faster, but not now.
I would say this is another instance of an issue with clarity. I had to read this over a few times to understand you were not referring to a hypothetical situation but a habitual behaviour: "Joshua often ran for no reason at all because it was faster, but not now." YMMV.
At the end of the work shift under the waning twilight he pulled his scarf up high and twitched his nose at the coarse, home knit thread; snow hung off it like seasonal ornamentation.
Looks like you're missing a comma for that introductory phrase. I also think there's too much information in there that could potentially be at odds with each other (I realize you mean that the work shift ended at twilight, but that's not how the phrasing reads--does he work outside? Otherwise, should you use "at" there or a different word altogether? I would reconsider the use of that particular preposition.)
Having done this every day for the past two weeks, he had grown used to the aching sore in his calves and forearms.
Whereas you can technically use "sore" in place of "soreness" here, I think most modern readers would pause at the usage, since the most common understanding (in my region, at least) is that sore = open wound and soreness = achy. Also, sore already means it hurts and aches, so you do not need an adjective with the same meaning there. It's redundant.
Joshua-- not from the north-- expected winter planting to pass by easily with the thermal vents making the ground moist and the air warmly pleasant.
Putting the em dash issue aside, I wanted to note that "warmly pleasant" and "pleasantly warm" technically have different meanings. Since you mention thermal vents making the ground moist, I thought I'd point this out in case you meant the latter rather than the former.
Even staying in the same room at the inn, Joshua couldn't be sure their paths would cross tonight;
I would use "despite" here rather than "even" for precision.
Kael had been single minded since they arrived in the city.
I think using a hyphen for compound words is a good rule of thumb for clarity.
By another divot, a gap in the dirt mounds demarcating the entrance to another farm in this artificial valley, on and on until he made it to the cross roads: hard to see someone coming in this weather.
The first clause does not have a main verb, which confounds the meaning of the sentence. Essentially, you have:
[introductory phrase], [phrase], [adverb] + [preposition as conjunction] + [clause]: [sentence fragment with no subject]. I advise a total rewrite of this sentence, particularly since I don't understand what you are describing.
Until then, one had an unimpeded view of the thick grey fog that would turn a sherbet haze before fading into a hot darkness.
My opinion: too many adjectives. "Thick grey fog" is pretty standard, so that's fine. But I would strongly reconsider "sherbet haze" and "hot darkness". (Was it delicious like hot chocolate? In conjunction with "sherbet haze", "hot darkness" makes me want a cup of hot cocoa with maybe some ice cream. Seriously. Not really the tone you were going for, right? XD XD XD)
You could travel west to the Faros and hear about the giant birds with legs half the size of their entire body that lived in caves on the oceanfront, come and swoop up small children.
This sentence is very confused as to how many clauses it has and which verbs are main verbs. If you fix the verb-punctuation problem, I'd say it's still too long, so rewriting the entire thing is probably your best bet.
In reality, the coast of Faros was all cliffs, of course you wanted children to stay away.
Comma splice.
the storms and the winds were the only thing that kept them safe from the continents from hundreds if not thousands of years.
I think you want "for hundreds" here, not "from hundreds". Also, you need two commas to demarcate non-essential clauses, phrases, appositives, asides, and other segues from the main clause.
In the first throws of night he could imagine about any shape in the mist, but he couldn't conjure a whinny.
I suspect you want "throes" here rather than "throws". I think this one sort of works, but it needs a little something more. What mood or element of this night is causing the POV character to describe it this way?
The wind whipped, the hooves dampened.
I can understand "the wind whipped", but I can't imagine what you mean by "the hooves dampened". What were the hooves dampening? The dirt? How can the POV character tell this with sound alone? (I doubt he's hearing the hooves doing the dampening. If anything, the wet soil would dampen the sound of hooves--the other way around!)
He could try and climb upwards on all fours like stairs.
...Climbing on all fours = stairs? I must confess I am baffled by this line.
