How do you write fighting scenes?

[Paul__Michaels]

OH!? A writing exercise? Let me join in the fun ?

Arkam's heart races as his hand finds the grip to his holstered pistol as he squares off against Kashan in the noon sun. His blood is hot, and his head is buzzing with a rush that could only be described as a mixture of anger and lust.

As the wind blew a leaf twirling in the air, a sudden movement from either of them could start a gunfight that could end up being their last. The tension in the air was almost palpable.

Kashan's eyes bore into Arkam's, trying to read the man's next move. Just as Kashan was about to make his move a piece of dust got in his left eye causing his head to jerk just enough for Arkam to make his move.

In a swift motion, Arkam drew his weapon and shot at Kashan twice. The bullets ripped through the air and heading for its target. But the pure instincts that Kashan has developed over his lifetime made him draw his weapon and roll out of the way before the bullets could find their mark.

*Zip! ZIPPPP!* Went the two bullets whizzing by, and just as the bullets flew by Kashan's body, he was up on his feet and returning fire. *BANG! BANG!*

Kashan felt the slide of his auto-loader snap back as the last bullet exited the barrel. The heat coming off the muzzle of his pistol was enough to singe his hair if he wasn't careful.

Arkam grided his teeth as he jumped back and vanished into thin air before the returning fire could hit him.

*ZIP! CRACK!*

The sounds of the bullets impacting the stolen wall that was behind Arkam made a loud sound and kicked up a cloud of dust.

"CRAP! Where did he—URGH!?"

Time seemed to slow down as Kashan felt the wind knock out of him. In the corner of his eye he spotted a figure in his peripheral vision. It was Arkam, and he punched Kashan so hard in the ribs that he was flying backwards at insane speeds. Soon, time returned to normal as Kashan witnessed Arkam's figure become smaller the further away he got.

*WHOOSH! BAM!*

Kashan felt a sharp pain as he crashed into a brick wall, causing him to cough up a bit of blood. The impact caused the wall to crumble and for him to go through it and land inside of an abandoned building.

*Cough!?* Blood was dripping down his lip and chin before he grunted through the pain and stood up as quickly as possible.

Kashan glanced around, but no one was there. Arkam was gone which made him nervous.

"Son of a bitch! Where did he go?" Kashan whispered to himself while frantically looking around the abandoned building. But all he could find was crates, left by a company that had to forsaken it's inventory due to the demon invasion.

His mind raced, but his instincts were on high alert. He couldn't hear anything or see any signs of life. His breathing was labored from being knocked back into a brick wall.

*CLICK! CLICK!*

"Tsk. Piece of crap!"

Kashan turned around and noticed Arkam on the far side of the warehouse. His gun was broken and he tossed it aside in frustration before summoning his magic.

A red light came from his hand that he raised over his head.

"Come!" Arkam commanded as the magic flowed around his hand and then suddenly changed to a red mist. He wanted to finish Kashan and quick.
******

Anyway, that was fun. I haven't written a fight scene in a while.

 

[King_Awonz]

I like em fast and hard, without excessive use of sound effects.

Onomatopeia can be a useful tool. If my novel ever comes to fruitition, you'll hear a lot of "Bang"s. Had an idea fr a MHA fic with the MC's power being just that, creating effects through whatever is associated with the appropriate sound. An example would be 'woosh', increasing his speed, or 'bang' causing an explosion or firing a bullet(if he did the gun pointy thing at them). Couldnt get the exposition right, unfortunately

OH!? A writing exercise? Let me join in the fun ?

Arkam's heart races as his hand finds the grip to his holstered pistol as he squares off against Kashan in the noon sun. His blood is hot, and his head is buzzing with a rush that could only be described as a mixture of anger and lust.

As the wind blew a leaf twirling in the air, a sudden movement from either of them could start a gunfight that could end up being their last. The tension in the air was almost palpable.

Kashan's eyes bore into Arkam's, trying to read the man's next move. Just as Kashan was about to make his move a piece of dust got in his left eye causing his head to jerk just enough for Arkam to make his move.

In a swift motion, Arkam drew his weapon and shot at Kashan twice. The bullets ripped through the air and heading for its target. But the pure instincts that Kashan has developed over his lifetime made him draw his weapon and roll out of the way before the bullets could find their mark.

*Zip! ZIPPPP!* Went the two bullets whizzing by, and just as the bullets flew by Kashan's body, he was up on his feet and returning fire. *BANG! BANG!*

Kashan felt the slide of his auto-loader snap back as the last bullet exited the barrel. The heat coming off the muzzle of his pistol was enough to singe his hair if he wasn't careful.

Arkam grided his teeth as he jumped back and vanished into thin air before the returning fire could hit him.

*ZIP! CRACK!*

The sounds of the bullets impacting the stolen wall that was behind Arkam made a loud sound and kicked up a cloud of dust.

"CRAP! Where did he—URGH!?"

Time seemed to slow down as Kashan felt the wind knock out of him. In the corner of his eye he spotted a figure in his peripheral vision. It was Arkam, and he punched Kashan so hard in the ribs that he was flying backwards at insane speeds. Soon, time returned to normal as Kashan witnessed Arkam's figure become smaller the further away he got.

*WHOOSH! BAM!*

Kashan felt a sharp pain as he crashed into a brick wall, causing him to cough up a bit of blood. The impact caused the wall to crumble and for him to go through it and land inside of an abandoned building.

*Cough!?* Blood was dripping down his lip and chin before he grunted through the pain and stood up as quickly as possible.

Kashan glanced around, but no one was there. Arkam was gone which made him nervous.

"Son of a bitch! Where did he go?" Kashan whispered to himself while frantically looking around the abandoned building. But all he could find was crates, left by a company that had to forsaken it's inventory due to the demon invasion.

His mind raced, but his instincts were on high alert. He couldn't hear anything or see any signs of life. His breathing was labored from being knocked back into a brick wall.

*CLICK! CLICK!*

"Tsk. Piece of crap!"

Kashan turned around and noticed Arkam on the far side of the warehouse. His gun was broken and he tossed it aside in frustration before summoning his magic.

A red light came from his hand that he raised over his head.

"Come!" Arkam commanded as the magic flowed around his hand and then suddenly changed to a red mist. He wanted to finish Kashan and quick.
******

Anyway, that was fun. I haven't written a fight scene in a while.

Sounds like a manga fight scene lol. Im no author but if I wrote this id tone down the onopatopia for the bigger stuff. Damn do I like this word onomatopeia btw

 

[Zagaroth]

This is a case where all I can really do is show what I have done in a one-on-one fight, and that my audience enjoyed it. I'm using this particular fight because your example also appears to be a one-on-one. If you ask me questions on what I am doing and why, I should be able to start breaking it down, but I do not yet know what to tell you about what I am demonstrating.

Battles are a little different, I can get into specific advice there instead of an example if you want.

So, spoilers for chapter 285 ahead. It's a long fight, so I'll cut out some parts. Also, this is probably the single longest fight scene I've written, but it is also a payoff for build up and an important demonstration of growth and power.

Spoiler

General context: new PoV character with a mysterious past named Hajime has been the focus for the last several chapters, and he is set up for a final tournament fight with our MC Mordecai.

When the signal was given, Hajime darted forward as if committing to a charge, then dived forward before pushing off the ground and sending himself to the side in a sideways spin. There wasn't a specific attack he was avoiding, he just didn't expect to be able to close that gap without being countered.

The space that he'd occupied moments before rippled as two shockwaves ripped through the air and then exploded at the point they crossed. Hajime didn't have time to worry about that though; he'd landed in a crouch but immediately had to start running.

Mordecai was releasing a barrage of magic, casting spells non-stop while mixing in spirit-powered attacks that sliced through the air. The attacks were generally aimed at where Hajime was while the spells were being aimed at where Mordecai anticipated Hajime to be, and it was forcing Hajime to change directions mid-stride.

He was still closing the distance, but it was putting a lot of strain on his body, so he used a new trick. When the next spell flew at him, it met a cloud of dust that exploded into streamers of multi-colored light that shone all over the arena for a brief moment.

Hajime stepped out from one of the beams that passed near Mordecai, thrusting at what should have been Mordecai's exposed side. But his blade skidded off of a spike that suddenly grew out of the back of Mordecai's elbow, and then Hajime had to twist out of the way to avoid the blast of bone shards when the spike exploded.

[...]

Oh, another seal had broken. Hajime's aura was beginning to shift toward its true nature. Well, there was no time like the present to show off. So he tossed his new blade into his left hand and drew his old, 'damaged' blade with his right.

His image blurred into chromatic echoes that streaked toward Mordecai, each figure equally real and dangerous, yet none were quite real at all. Blades rang against each other as Mordecai spun into a defensive dance, but one of Hajime's swords struck true. Abruptly all the other images disappeared as reality shifted, making that image the only one that had ever been real.

Mordecai leapt away from Hajime as blood dripped down his shoulder, but it was only to give himself enough room to start shifting, growing taller as wings sprouted from his back and scales coated his skin.

Hajime noted that there were a few cracked scales on the spot where he'd struck Mordecai, which meant that the scales had already been there before the shift. Sub-dermal scales. Again, not a surprise based on the exhibition matches, but those scales had to be much tougher than Hajime would have expected. His cut had not gone deep at all, but based on Mordecai's spiritual pressure Hajime would have expected to have cut deep enough to at least temporarily disable that arm.

[...]

In that moment of briefly shattered existence, Hajime glimpsed reflections of all the forms that Mordecai could be in and saw a piece of something nightmarish. Might-have-been realities collapsed into one reality again as Mordecai bellowed "HAJIME!". Yep, looked like Mordecai had put the pieces together.

It would have been nice to revel in Mordecai's shock, but the surprise had not kept Mordecai from acting. Two powerful dragon forms met in the air, though Mordecai had grown to become the larger of them again.

Also, he had another pair of arms, complete with wickedly sharp claws.

[...]

There was no longer an ebb and flow in the battle; instead, the two were moving in a constant whirlwind of frenzied activity as magic pulsed and flared. Wounds started tallying up faster than even Mordecai could heal, and the glimmers of light on his upper arm bands began to wink out, each one representing another compressed potion being directly injected.

It annoyed Hajime to note that Mordecai didn't even flinch from the injections and rapidly expanding fluids, and he still appeared to be barely winded. But Hajime was at his full strength now, and Mordecai's avatar had not yet reached this level of power.

The battle ended with the two of them crashing into the ground, Mordecai's body pinned by dozens of spears of light to hold down all of his limbs and Hajime's crossed blades against Mordecai's throat. Not that Hajime was feeling confident that even removing Mordecai's head would kill this avatar.

Mordecai coughed out a harsh laugh and said, "Congratulations, Hajime."

That's missing roughly half the fight and all the pre-match banter.

 

[LeilaniOtter]

What I learned from fight scenes is to try simple choreography.
Place the characters on a film set and visualize. *^^*
Not just what the characters are doing but what they're feeling as they do battle. Don't get too detailed. No one cares what hand is being used, for example, for a weapon, or what leg is used for a roundhouse kick. You're not just relaying action here, but emotions. The motivations behind the fight are important too. And of course, the eventual goal, who wins and who loses, and how and why.
Your readers aren't stupid, but they will get bored if you drag out also. Keep the action flowing, just like regular pose. I think you've done that in your example very well, each action "shot" following another. Now just add more details, more emotions, maybe some thought processes, and away you go. *^^*

 

[CharlesEBrown]

So far, for me, the answer seems to be "A little differently every time..." :D

 

[OokamiKasumi]

___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Arkam narrowed his eyes,
Bang, he shot.

Kashan ducked and pulled his gun.
Arkam took one step forward—
—and vanished.

Kashan shocked his gaze, searching for Arkam.
Arkam reappeared behind Kashan, his eyes wide open.

Arkam punched him in the ribs. He flew.
—crashing into a wall.
He stood up, gasping for air, “Son of a bitch,” he thought.

Kashan glanced around, but no one was there.
He looked at the entrance to the room beyond, filled with many crates.


Arkam stood at the far end, bathed in red light.
He raised his right hand—
and curled a finger.
A silent command: “Come.”

Kashan clenched his jaw, then grinned. He tightened his grip on the guns.
He headed toward Arkam, exiting the room he was in.

Six pillars stood in the room, with Arkam in the middle of them.
When the light flickered—
He vanished again.

But Kashan, still and calm, stood.
Arkam lunged from the side—
Kashan ducked and hit Arkam with the gun's butt.
Arkam recoiled, his nose bleeding.
He pulled his knives out and lunged toward Kashan again.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

-- You're missing Dialogue: what the characters are saying to each other, AND what the Point-of-View (POV) character is Thinking about what's happening.
-- You're missing Emotions; how the POV character Feels about what they are experiencing
-- Most importantly, you're missing Descriptions: where they are, and what they are seeing beyond the immediate fight, what they are smelling, what they hear, what they are feeling physically, what they are tasting.

Examples:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-- In a battle, one often sees corpses, smoke, blood splatter, viscera, the land they are on, the weather conditions, or the building they are in. Also, what destruction occurs or had occurred during a fight. If someone flies into something, does that something remain intact, or does it shatter into splinters or rubble? The level of light or darkness also affects what they can see or notice.
-- No matter the location there are always background sounds. Large buildings tend to echo. Forests have rustling leaves, buzzing bugs, bird calls, and sometimes wild animal calls. Cities have traffic noises, people talking and walking, doors opening, radios blasting with music and advertisements. Grasslands have bug noises, grass and plant rustling, and bird calls.
-- Blood tastes like copper pennies. Smoke tastes like ash and burns at the back of the throat. (Ask any smoker.)
-- Blood smells like rotting fish, and roadkill. The stench is especially bad after it's been sitting for an hour or longer. Burned corpses smell like cooked pork. Corpses smell like rotting garbage, moldy excrement, and piss because bodies empty their bowels on death.
-- Fights are painful, blisters bursting and stinging on the hands holding weapons and the feet wearing boots, bruises on the body that ache, the viciously sharp pain of broken bones, the sting and burn of pulled muscles and tendons...
-- The surface they're fighting on should also be taken into account: Polished marble and tile, wet concrete, hot tarmac, pooled blood, water puddles, wet grass, mud, gravel, loose dirt, scattered hay on a floor, ice, and snow are all Slippery underfoot. All of these will cause muscle pain in the thighs and pull tendons near the groin just to stay upright. Tanking a heavy blow AND staying upright does even worse. THIS is why Footing, and Stances are so important in fight training.

Reference:

Writing [Tutorial] Is Description really needed? YES.​

Also your Paragraphing needs work.
-- You should not have two people Acting in the same paragraph -- for the same reason you don't have two people Speaking in the same paragraph.
-- At the same time, you shouldn't separate one character's actions (and dialogue, and Emotions,) into individual paragraphs without a damned good reason.

Reference:

Writing [Tutorial] The Secret to Proper Paragraphing and Dialogue​

-- Lastly, your sentences should be written in Chronological Order; the order in which things actually happen.

Reference:

Writing [Tutorial] Writing ACTION 1: The Trick to Writing Action Scenes that Work.​

Writing [Tutorial] Writing ACTION 2: The Plug & Play Method​

Adjustment:
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arkam narrowed his eyes. He shot. Bang!
-- NOTE: Out of Chronological order. The finger pulled the trigger BEFORE the bang happened. More importantly, Sound Effects are Not Used in written English fiction. Describe the sound instead. (There was a loud echoing bang.) If you are determined to add Sound Effects anyway, they should be Italicized, just like Inner Dialogue.

Kashan ducked and drew his gun. (From where?)

Arkam took one step forward, and vanished.

Shocked, Kashan looked around sharply, searching for Arkam.

Arkam reappeared behind Kashan, his eyes wide open, and punched Kashan in the ribs.

Kashan flew to crash into a wall. He stood up, gasping for air. Son of a bitch! He glanced around, but no one was there. He looked at the entrance to the room beyond that was filled with crates.
--- NOTE: Inner Dialogue: thoughts, do not need quotes. They need to be Italicized. Telepathy; dialogue between two beings within the Mind, Does need quotes, plus being Italicized.
-- Also, if the spoken line is already attached to that character's actions, you do not need Dialogue Tags because the Action identifies the speaker. Tags are only needed if there is no other way to identify who is speaking.

Arkam stood at the far end, bathed in red light. He raised his right hand, and curled a finger. A silent command: Come.

Kashan clenched his jaw, then grinned. He tightened his grip on the gun. He headed toward Arkam, exiting the room he was in.

Six pillars stood in the room, with Arkam standing in the middle. The light flickered. He vanished.

Kashan stood still and calm.

Arkam lunged from the side.

Kashan ducked and hit Arkam (where?) with the gun's butt.

Arkam recoiled, his nose bleeding. He pulled his knives out and lunged toward Kashan again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[A_veil_of_red_ink]

-- You're missing Dialogue: what the characters are saying to each other, AND what the Point-of-View (POV) character is Thinking about what's happening.
-- You're missing Emotions; how the POV character Feels about what they are experiencing
-- Most importantly, you're missing Descriptions: where they are, and what they are seeing beyond the immediate fight, what they are smelling, what they hear, what they are feeling physically, what they are tasting.

Examples:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-- In a battle, one often sees corpses, smoke, blood splatter, viscera, the land they are on, the weather conditions, or the building they are in. Also, what destruction occurs or had occurred during a fight. If someone flies into something, does that something remain intact, or does it shatter into splinters or rubble? The level of light or darkness also affects what they can see or notice.
-- No matter the location there are always background sounds. Large buildings tend to echo. Forests have rustling leaves, buzzing bugs, bird calls, and sometimes wild animal calls. Cities have traffic noises, people talking and walking, doors opening, radios blasting with music and advertisements. Grasslands have bug noises, grass and plant rustling, and bird calls.
-- Blood tastes like copper pennies. Smoke tastes like ash and burns at the back of the throat. (Ask any smoker.)
-- Blood smells like rotting fish, and roadkill. The stench is especially bad after it's been sitting for an hour or longer. Burned corpses smell like cooked pork. Corpses smell like rotting garbage, moldy excrement, and piss because bodies empty their bowels on death.
-- Fights are painful, blisters bursting and stinging on the hands holding weapons and the feet wearing boots, bruises on the body that ache, the viciously sharp pain of broken bones, the sting and burn of pulled muscles and tendons...
-- The surface they're fighting on should also be taken into account: Polished marble and tile, wet concrete, hot tarmac, pooled blood, water puddles, wet grass, mud, gravel, loose dirt, scattered hay on a floor, ice, and snow are all Slippery underfoot. All of these will cause muscle pain in the thighs and pull tendons near the groin just to stay upright. Tanking a heavy blow AND staying upright does even worse. THIS is why Footing, and Stances are so important in fight training.

Reference:

Writing [Tutorial] Is Description really needed? YES.​

Also your Paragraphing needs work.
-- You should not have two people Acting in the same paragraph -- for the same reason you don't have two people Speaking in the same paragraph.
-- At the same time, you shouldn't separate one character's actions (and dialogue, and Emotions,) into individual paragraphs without a damned good reason.

Reference:

Writing [Tutorial] The Secret to Proper Paragraphing and Dialogue​

-- Lastly, your sentences should be written in Chronological Order; the order in which things actually happen.

Reference:

Writing [Tutorial] Writing ACTION 1: The Trick to Writing Action Scenes that Work.​

Writing [Tutorial] Writing ACTION 2: The Plug & Play Method​

Adjustment:
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arkam narrowed his eyes. He shot. Bang!
-- NOTE: Out of Chronological order. The finger pulled the trigger BEFORE the bang happened. More importantly, Sound Effects are Not Used in written English fiction. Describe the sound instead. (There was a loud echoing bang.) If you are determined to add Sound Effects anyway, they should be Italicized, just like Inner Dialogue.

Kashan ducked and drew his gun. (From where?)

Arkam took one step forward, and vanished.

Shocked, Kashan looked around sharply, searching for Arkam.

Arkam reappeared behind Kashan, his eyes wide open, and punched Kashan in the ribs.

Kashan flew to crash into a wall. He stood up, gasping for air. Son of a bitch! He glanced around, but no one was there. He looked at the entrance to the room beyond that was filled with crates.
--- NOTE: Inner Dialogue: thoughts, do not need quotes. They need to be Italicized. Also, if the spoken line is already attached to that character's actions, you do not need Dialogue Tags because the Action identifies the speaker. Tags are only needed if there is no other way to identify who is speaking.

Arkam stood at the far end, bathed in red light. He raised his right hand, and curled a finger. A silent command: Come.

Kashan clenched his jaw, then grinned. He tightened his grip on the gun. He headed toward Arkam, exiting the room he was in.

Six pillars stood in the room, with Arkam standing in the middle. The light flickered. He vanished.

Kashan stood still and calm.

Arkam lunged from the side.

Kashan ducked and hit Arkam (where?) with the gun's butt.

Arkam recoiled, his nose bleeding. He pulled his knives out and lunged toward Kashan again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Damn, my work really feels like a draft with no substance. It’s a bit of a mess. Thank you for making my life easier.

This fight—or rather, the entire series I wrote—is in its very early stages, the zero draft. I’m looking for feedback and corrections from experienced players. (like you)

Thank you, and Holy, for providing the threads I'm searching for. I appreciate it!

edit- just read the threads and man, you are an experienced guy here.
Yo, so this is a part of my story from like fifth chapter

Spoiler: The pristine

[He smiled, “Come, Kashan, we will settle this here.”

Many rumbling sounds came, as many men ran to the third level corridor down the staircase.
Arkam put his specs in the case. Arkam, hidden in shadows, waited. Taking a deep breath, he pulled two knives from his shoulder holster, hidden under his overcoat.

There were guns, too, but he didn’t pull them out.

He held the knives. Quickly, five men came into the room where he resided, luring in the shadows, and he watched.

One of the men said, “Who activated the security protocol? What the fuck is going on here?” he looked around.

The second man said, “Whoever activated it will be silenced!” telling others to focus.

As they searched, Arkam leaped towards one man. And Arkam, going behind him, without being noticed by the men, he sliced his neck, killing him. As the men fell, Arkam grabbed the man and dragged him into the shadows.

One man noticed that he was missing. He screamed, “Where is Karni? Where did he go?”
Others also noticed and got closer to each other. Everyone got more cautious. The tension was as dense as the darkness in the room.

A man named Darm held a gun in his hand. With the other three men also cautious, they stood close. But slowly, other screams came. He pointed his gun towards the sounds of the screams, and in a few seconds, the sounds stopped.

He alone was in the room; others were dead.

His breath was heavy. Gulping down. A sound came from his left.
He turned in that direction, nothing, turned again. There was darkness, but as he turned, Darm saw a man in black, with blood all over him.

He tried to scream, but before that, Arkam leaned towards him, slicing his neck half through, and he grabbed his hair. Darm's eyes got wider as Arkam started pulling the head, ripping from the neck.
Darm’s gasped, slowly the flesh ripped like a thread, and the blood squirted on Arkam's face.
—crunch. Arkam ripped the Darm’s head from his neck slowly and painfully.
Darm's face had a terrified expression.

Arkam held Darm's head, and he threw it in a crate behind.
All five men were dead, and Arkam left the room. In the room, blood splashed all around, and many crates were there, and those crates contained five bodies.

A shadowy figure drenched in blood, red light reflected from his coat. Blood dripped through hair, curtained his eyes.
Arkam looked around the long corridor as twenty-four men slowly came out of other rooms, and they all searched the other rooms.]

 

[Zagaroth]

Geeze, I just realized that quoting my text chopped off some of it from visibility. Um, so the stuff in my spoiler above is now a lot longer.

 

[OokamiKasumi]

Damn, my work really feels like a draft with no substance. It’s a bit of a mess. Thank you for making my life easier.

This fight—or rather, the entire series I wrote—is in its very early stages, the zero draft. I’m looking for feedback and corrections from experienced players. (like you)

Thank you, and Holy, for providing the threads I'm searching for. I appreciate it!

edit- just read the threads and man, you are an experienced guy here.
Yo, so this is a part of my story from like fifth chapter

Spoiler: The pristine

[He smiled, “Come, Kashan, we will settle this here.”

Many rumbling sounds came, as many men ran to the third level corridor down the staircase.
Arkam put his specs in the case. Arkam, hidden in shadows, waited. Taking a deep breath, he pulled two knives from his shoulder holster, hidden under his overcoat.

There were guns, too, but he didn’t pull them out.

He held the knives. Quickly, five men came into the room where he resided, luring in the shadows, and he watched.

One of the men said, “Who activated the security protocol? What the fuck is going on here?” he looked around.

The second man said, “Whoever activated it will be silenced!” telling others to focus.

As they searched, Arkam leaped towards one man. And Arkam, going behind him, without being noticed by the men, he sliced his neck, killing him. As the men fell, Arkam grabbed the man and dragged him into the shadows.

One man noticed that he was missing. He screamed, “Where is Karni? Where did he go?”
Others also noticed and got closer to each other. Everyone got more cautious. The tension was as dense as the darkness in the room.

A man named Darm held a gun in his hand. With the other three men also cautious, they stood close. But slowly, other screams came. He pointed his gun towards the sounds of the screams, and in a few seconds, the sounds stopped.

He alone was in the room; others were dead.

His breath was heavy. Gulping down. A sound came from his left.
He turned in that direction, nothing, turned again. There was darkness, but as he turned, Darm saw a man in black, with blood all over him.

He tried to scream, but before that, Arkam leaned towards him, slicing his neck half through, and he grabbed his hair. Darm's eyes got wider as Arkam started pulling the head, ripping from the neck.
Darm’s gasped, slowly the flesh ripped like a thread, and the blood squirted on Arkam's face.
—crunch. Arkam ripped the Darm’s head from his neck slowly and painfully.
Darm's face had a terrified expression.

Arkam held Darm's head, and he threw it in a crate behind.
All five men were dead, and Arkam left the room. In the room, blood splashed all around, and many crates were there, and those crates contained five bodies.

A shadowy figure drenched in blood, red light reflected from his coat. Blood dripped through hair, curtained his eyes.
Arkam looked around the long corridor as twenty-four men slowly came out of other rooms, and they all searched the other rooms.]

I'm glad I could help~!

Revised:

Spoiler: The pristine - Edited

[He smiled, “Come, Kashan, we will settle this here.”

There was a loud rumbling sound of many men running down the staircase to the third level corridor.

Arkam put his specs in the case. Hidden in shadows, he waited. Taking a deep breath, he pulled two knives from his shoulder holster, hidden under his overcoat. He had his guns, but he left them holstered. He held the knives ready.

Abruptly, five men rushed into the room.

Lurking in the shadows, Arkam watched.

One of the men looked around. “Who activated the security protocol? What the fuck is going on here?”

Another man bellowed out. “Whoever activated it will be silenced!

The first man snarled. "Focus!”

They began a thorough search.

Arkam lunged towards one of the trailing men. Sneaking behind him without being noticed, he sliced through his neck, killing him.

The man slumped.

Arkam grabbed him to drag him into the shadows.

* * *​

One of the men looked around sharply then shouted. “Hey! Where is Karni? Where did he go?”

The other men noticed and stepped closer to each other, acting more cautiously.

The tension was as dense as the darkness in the room.

One of the men lifted a gun in his hand, positioned close with the other men.

A scream pierced their ears, then another.

The gunman pointed his gun towards the sounds of the screams.

The screams stopped.

He alone was in the room -- the others were gone.

Panting, he swallowed loudly.

A sound came from his left.

He turned in that direction.

Nothing.

He turned again.

Darkness.

Turning again, he caught sight of a man in black covered in blood.

* * *​

Arkam lunged for him, slicing his neck half-way through, stopping any chance of a scream escaping, and grabbed him by the hair.

The man's eyes widened.

Arkam pulled on the man's head, ripping it slowly from the man's neck. Blood sprayed from the open gaping wound, pumped out by the still beating heart. Some of it splattering Arkam's face.

With a crunch, the head parted from the neck, letting loose a final flood of hot blood.

Holding the last man's head, Arkam tossed it in a crate behind him.

All five men were dead. The walls, the floor, and the crates scattered about the room were painted in blood splatter. Some of those crates contained five bodies.

Arkam left the room, a shadowy figure drenched in blood. Red light reflected on his wet coat. Blood dripped from the hair curtaining his eyes. He looked around the long corridor.

Twenty-four men slowly came out of other rooms, apparently having searched them.]

Okay, the only real problem you have here is that you switched the Point of View (POV) from the main character to a minor character right smack dab in the middle of the scene. (Why did you even give that guy a name?!)

A Scene should be shown from only One POV, so as not to confuse the Reader. (You certainly confused me when I read it the first time through.)

I marked the POV switch with 3 stars. ( * * * ).
-- In published work, ( * * * ) signifies that a Break in the Narrative has happened, such as a Scene change or a POV switch.

Changing POVs in the middle like that, also known as Head-Hopping, is heavily frowned upon by both publishing Editors and Readers like me. (I wanted to know what Arkum was thinking, not the guys he was killing.)

You should only switch to another person's viewpoint at Chapter Breaks or Scene Breaks.

You also need to invest in an actual paperback Thesaurus. It will give you a much wider and richer range of vocabulary options to give your writing more emotional and visceral impact. This is especially important when you're describing things like fight scenes and gore. (Make sure it's in Dictionary form or you'll get lost really quick. Thesaurus' are Not User Friendly. There is a learning curve.)

The online Thesaurus does not provide nearly enough options for fiction writers. Mainly because it's meant to be used by school children writing book reports -- not authors seeking to enrich their work.

It's obvious that you learn quickly. I like that in a writer. Good work.

 

[A_veil_of_red_ink]

I'm glad I could help~!

View attachment 39755

View attachment 39756​

Revised:

Spoiler: The pristine - Edited

[He smiled, “Come, Kashan, we will settle this here.”

There was a loud rumbling sound of many men running down the staircase to the third level corridor.

Arkam put his specs in the case. Hidden in shadows, he waited. Taking a deep breath, he pulled two knives from his shoulder holster, hidden under his overcoat. He had his guns, but he left them holstered. He held the knives ready.

Abruptly, five men rushed into the room.

Lurking in the shadows, Arkam watched.

One of the men looked around. “Who activated the security protocol? What the fuck is going on here?”

Another man bellowed out. “Whoever activated it will be silenced!

The first man snarled. "Focus!”

They began a thorough search.

Arkam lunged towards one of the trailing men. Sneaking behind him without being noticed, he sliced through his neck, killing him.

The man slumped.

Arkam grabbed him to drag him into the shadows.

* * *​

One of the men looked around sharply then shouted. “Hey! Where is Karni? Where did he go?”

The other men noticed and stepped closer to each other, acting more cautiously.

The tension was as dense as the darkness in the room.

One of the men lifted a gun in his hand, positioned close with the other men.

A scream pierced their ears, then another.

The gunman pointed his gun towards the sounds of the screams.

The screams stopped.

He alone was in the room -- the others were gone.

Panting, he swallowed loudly.

A sound came from his left.

He turned in that direction.

Nothing.

He turned again.

Darkness.

Turning again, he caught sight of a man in black covered in blood.

* * *​

Arkam lunged for him, slicing his neck half-way through, stopping any chance of a scream escaping, and grabbed him by the hair.

The man's eyes widened.

Arkam pulled on the man's head, ripping it slowly from the man's neck. Blood sprayed from the open gaping wound, pumped out by the still beating heart. Some of it splattering Arkam's face.

With a crunch, the head parted from the neck, letting loose a final flood of hot blood.

Holding the last man's head, Arkam tossed it in a crate behind him.

All five men were dead. The walls, the floor, and the crates scattered about the room were painted in blood splatter. Some of those crates contained five bodies.

Arkam left the room, a shadowy figure drenched in blood. Red light reflected on his wet coat. Blood dripped from the hair curtaining his eyes. He looked around the long corridor.

Twenty-four men slowly came out of other rooms, apparently having searched them.]

Okay, the only real problem you have here is that you switched the Point of View (POV) from the main character to a minor character right smack dab in the middle of the scene. (Why did you even give that guy a name?!)

A Scene should be shown from only One POV, so as not to confuse the Reader. (You certainly confused me when I read it the first time through.)

I marked the POV switch with 3 stars. ( * * * ).
-- In published work, ( * * * ) signifies that a Break in the Narrative has happened, such as a Scene change or a POV switch.

Changing POVs in the middle like that, also known as Head-Hopping, is heavily frowned upon by both publishing Editors and Readers like me. (I wanted to know what Arkum was thinking, not the guys he was killing.)

You should only switch to another person's viewpoint at Chapter Breaks or Scene Breaks.

You also need to invest in an actual paperback Thesaurus. It will give you a much wider and richer range of vocabulary options to give your writing more emotional and visceral impact. This is especially important when you're describing things like fight scenes and gore. (Make sure it's in Dictionary form or you'll get lost really quick. Thesaurus' are Not User Friendly. There is a learning curve.)

The online Thesaurus does not provide nearly enough options for fiction writers. Mainly because it's meant to be used by school children writing book reports -- not authors seeking to enrich their work.

It's obvious that you learn quickly. I like that in a writer. Good work.

I have a question.

I understand that readers want to know what Arkam is thinking when he fights or kills. However, why would Arkam reflect on his thoughts during such moments? For him—given the nature of his job—killing should be instinctual.

Consider it like this: a person who has never killed anyone will likely experience a breakdown after killing someone for the first time; the flood of emotions would be overwhelming. In contrast, a veteran soldier who has fought in a brutal war may not think much at all while killing.

It’s similar to how a doctor approaches surgery: a novice doctor or nurse might feel overwhelmed in a life-or-death situation, while an experienced surgeon focuses solely on the operation at hand.

So, my question is this: When a person like Arkam, who has extensive experience in killing, takes a life, does he have any thoughts at all? And if he does, what might those thoughts be?

This is a genuine question, as I am currently writing the seventh chapter and want to accurately convey what Arkam thinks during these moments. I would appreciate your insights.

It's not that I can't write thoughts, it's that when I write them. This is a spoiler when Arkam asks a question to someone he has just met--

Spoiler

He grabbed the door and released the energy.
The lock was destroyed, and Arkam pushed the door. It creaked as it slowly opened.

After the darkness of the cold chamber and the bunker, a dim light crept onto the face of the Arkam. Beyond it was a small room, with a bed right next to the entry.
A pregnant young girl with scrabbed clothes, a pale and hollowed face with many holes and bruises,
Her skin showed through the holes, sitting on the bed,
She covers herself with her hands. The pale lady saw a dark figure looming at the entrance, she said,
“Ple… Please, not again! I am pra…pregnant, it hurts, please not again, leave us alone,” tears gushed out.

The toilet in front of it, at the right inner corner, had a smell of rot and mold.
Right to it has two boys playing with their little sister.
Water dispenser at the left inner corner, and food supplies next to it.

‘Kidnapping and Sexual Assault, if the boys and the little girl were born before the kidnapping.
She lived here for 1 to 2 years. But if they were born after it, then 6 to 7 or even 8 years,’ the AI calculated.

“Who are you, and why are you here! One of them?” shouted, sitting on the bed.

“One of them”, Arkam thought, who are ‘them’

The young lady stood up and ran toward the children, grabbing them to protect them.
“Don’t come close! Go away”, her face wrinkled, tears dripped from her chin.

Arkam calmly and slowly pulled out the black handkerchief, making sure not to make any sudden movements, so as not to frighten them. Folded it and threw it on the ground one step in front of the young lady and children. Indicating to cover her breast.

“I am not here to hurt any of you. I am an officer. And here for a mission,” he backwalked near the door.

“If I may, I want to ask some questions, and if you want, I will not come in, is that okay, young lady?”
The girl takes a few seconds, but her eyes narrow, she takes a deep breath, and nods slowly. Tears in her eyes slowed it a bit.

“I’m the vice captain of the Imperial Police 9th Department, and be assured I will not hurt you, as I said,”
His right side lip curled up, forming a smile
“Can I ask your name, lady, or… where you lived?, and can you tell how you got here in this situation?”

“Check the expression of the individuals before me, detect if she lies.” He issued the order to the AI in the specs through his thoughts. Arkam used the Nexus drive that was connected to it.

“I… I am Kara Sarbus. I lived in the ‘A’ empire, Akand County.”Her voice was breathless as she tried to catch her breath. She slowly let go of her children, her hand shaking vigorously. She continued,

“I was kidnapped and was going to m… my home,
But they took me and traveled in the sea, I… I don’t even know how long it’s been.” Tears flowed like water,

“They traveled the sea, why? And where ?” his mind whispered.

Arkam was sent to this past ruin for a proper inspection, but he had never imagined finding people living here.

“Now, I have to rescue them! But how can I do that in her condition and with the children involved?”

“What about the fuckers who brought them?”

“Where are they?” “Are they planning something?”

“She mentioned ‘traveled sea,’ but where to? Where she lived is… close to this county; could it be on another
continent? Which one?”
Many questions lingered in his mind, yet not one had an answer, and more flooded in.
Arkam rubbed his temple, sighed while bowing his head, and adjusted his glasses.

Edit- in the above spoiler, the writing gets a little messy, because it is from the second chapter. So yeah, hope you understand.

 

[LilythGeist]

Well...
My standard approach is "traumatise the MC and go from there".

On a more serious note, having watched enough actual war footage I tend to focus on the fights being clumsy and full of mistakes. Split second decisions. Things going very wrong.

 

[LeilaniOtter]

So, I took the liberty of reviewing your scene again and actually I think I know how to help immensely.
Bear with me here.

Arkam narrowed his eyes and shot.

Okay, this is fine, and you can leave it like this if you want to. It's what follows now that you have to be concerned with. Each combatant plays a role and your job is to make this go smoothly.

Kashan ducked and pulled his gun.
Arkam took one step forward—
—and vanished.

Okay, again, just little bits like this is fine, you've got the framework.Now as i said before, you just need the details. For this just one part, I managed this:

Arkam narrowed his eyes and shot.
Kashan immediately ducked and pulled his own gun, but before he could return fire, Arkam vanished.

Fighting scenes don't really require footwork, so I omitted "taking a step forward". But this is how you make a fight scene come alive.

Kashan shocked his gaze, searching for Arkam.
Arkam reappeared behind Kashan, his eyes wide open.

Very clunky. I honestly couldn't make heads or tails of this, and I doubt it is needed. This can be added on to your action above seamlessly.

Arkam narrowed his eyes and shot.
Kashan immediately ducked and pulled his own gun, but before he could return fire, Arkam vanished - only to reappear behind him seconds later.

There's details that you need and others you really don't. If you read what you write, and picture the fighting in your head, I'm sure it'll come to you. You'll see that "clunkyness" for yourself. ? Good luck!

 

[A_veil_of_red_ink]

So, I took the liberty of reviewing your scene again and actually I think I know how to help immensely.
Bear with me here.

Arkam narrowed his eyes and shot.

Okay, this is fine, and you can leave it like this if you want to. It's what follows now that you have to be concerned with. Each combatant plays a role and your job is to make this go smoothly.

Kashan ducked and pulled his gun.
Arkam took one step forward—
—and vanished.

Okay, again, just little bits like this is fine, you've got the framework.Now as i said before, you just need the details. For this just one part, I managed this:

Arkam narrowed his eyes and shot.
Kashan immediately ducked and pulled his own gun, but before he could return fire, Arkam vanished.

Fighting scenes don't really require footwork, so I omitted "taking a step forward". But this is how you make a fight scene come alive.

Kashan shocked his gaze, searching for Arkam.
Arkam reappeared behind Kashan, his eyes wide open.

Very clunky. I honestly couldn't make heads or tails of this, and I doubt it is needed. This can be added on to your action above seamlessly.

Arkam narrowed his eyes and shot.
Kashan immediately ducked and pulled his own gun, but before he could return fire, Arkam vanished - only to reappear behind him seconds later.

There's details that you need and others you really don't. If you read what you write, and picture the fighting in your head, I'm sure it'll come to you. You'll see that "clunkyness" for yourself. ? Good luck!

Thank you for this, miss/sir?
Sigh, the problem is that this is a very important work for me, and as gratitude, I can't do anything but read your work!!!!
I'm really thankful to you, I'll try to add more details and will improve as I continue.

Thanks again

 

[LeilaniOtter]

Thank you for this, miss/sir?
Sigh, the problem is that this is a very important work for me, and as gratitude, I can't do anything but read your work!!!!
I'm really thankful to you, I'll try to add more details and will improve as I continue.

Thanks again

Well, you're really going to hate me now because I did the following, which I believe will help you even more. *^^*

---

Arkam narrowed his eyes and shot.

Kashan immediately ducked and pulled his gun, but before he could return fire, Arkam vanished - only to reappear behind him seconds later.

Arkam punched him in the ribs, and Kashan flew across the room, crashing into a wall. He stood up, gasping for air,

Son of a bitch.

Kashan glanced around, at first seeing nothing but several crates scattered about. When his vision was less hazy, he saw Arkam standing at the far end, bathed in red light and crooking a finger to him.

Come.

Kashan clenched his jaw, then grinned and tightened his grip on the guns as he followed Arkam to the next room. When he arrived, his opponent was standing in the middle of six pillars. The red light flickered, and he faded from sight again.

Kashan steeled himself, eyes darting about warily. Suddenly, Arkam reappeared beside him and lunged. But Kashan managed to duck and strike Arkam in the nose with the butt of his gun.

Arkam recoiled, his nose bleeding, pulled out his knives, and lunged toward Kashan again.​

---

Notice,I really didn't change much of your work. I just put the pieces together, and that's what you can do. Fight scenes like this are exceptionally difficult. But they should still flow smoothly from one sentence to the next. So, the next time you really have some questions, think about a peaceful flowing river, then look at your work and think, "Okay, how do I make this a river?" That SHOULD help you. ?

 

[A_veil_of_red_ink]

Well, you're really going to hate me now because I did the following, which I believe will help you even more. *^^*

---

Arkam narrowed his eyes and shot.

Kashan immediately ducked and pulled his gun, but before he could return fire, Arkam vanished - only to reappear behind him seconds later.

Arkam punched him in the ribs, and Kashan flew across the room, crashing into a wall. He stood up, gasping for air,

Son of a bitch.

Kashan glanced around, at first seeing nothing but several crates scattered about. When his vision was less hazy, he saw Arkam standing at the far end, bathed in red light and crooking a finger to him.

Come.

Kashan clenched his jaw, then grinned and tightened his grip on the guns as he followed Arkam to the next room. When he arrived, his opponent was standing in the middle of six pillars. The red light flickered, and he faded from sight again.

Kashan steeled himself, eyes darting about warily. Suddenly, Arkam reappeared beside him and lunged. But Kashan managed to duck and strike Arkam in the nose with the butt of his gun.

Arkam recoiled, his nose bleeding, pulled out his knives, and lunged toward Kashan again.​

---

Notice,I really didn't change much of your work. I just put the pieces together, and that's what you can do. Fight scenes like this are exceptionally difficult. But they should still flow smoothly from one sentence to the next. So, the next time you really have some questions, think about a peaceful flowing river, then look at your work and think, "Okay, how do I make this a river?" That SHOULD help you. ?

Why will I hate you? I don't understand, but okay!!! ?

And, thanks again(u really made thank you for like 10 different times).

 

[LeilaniOtter]

Why will I hate you? I don't understand, but okay!!! ?

And, thanks again(u really made thank you for like 10 different times).

You're welcome, and thanks for the compliment of my own writing. good luck! ?

 

[OokamiKasumi]

I have a question.

I understand that readers want to know what Arkam is thinking when he fights or kills. However, why would Arkam reflect on his thoughts during such moments? For him—given the nature of his job—killing should be instinctual.

This is a question you should ask an older experienced Cop, a retired Soldier who has seen action, or an older experienced black-belt level martial artist because there is a very complicated answer to this. It starts with how fighters are trained, and ends with the psychology behind fighting for your life.

I am a trained martial artist of far eastern fighting techniques (Shorin-Ryu Shorinkan) and medieval western martial arts. (SCA) I am also a veteran of the USAF.

Killing can indeed be instinctual, especially if one is Trained that way. However, there is far, far more involved when you are pointing the gun, or holding the knife. A hell of a lot more goes on physically and mentally than you think. Emotional impact doesn't even play a part in it, especially if you've been trained, until long after the floor's been mopped of the evidence.

 

[Zagaroth]

I'm no master of combat, but I have had regular fire arm training during my time in the military, and some basic unarmed combat training on my own time.

When doing something that has a habit level of automation, you do generally have the time to either A) pick options of which action to do or not do, or B) think about something else if you are doing something completely routine.

Part of the reason that you have the ability to make choices that fast is that you are trained enough that all the extraneous crap is eliminated. If they don't have to think about *what* they are doing, there is a bit more room to think about why they are doing it. Of course, certain training can cause a person to basically stop thinking once certain actions are triggered, but that is also a really good way to get random people killed if the over-trained person gets accidentally triggered.

Also, people do not always think in complete sentences. We can think in concepts a lot faster that we can think in explicit words. Translating those thoughts into written word makes them seem to take longer than they actually would.

 

[LeilaniOtter]

This is a question you should ask an older experienced Cop, a retired Soldier who has seen action, or an older experienced black-belt level martial artist because there is a very complicated answer to this. It starts with how fighters are trained, and ends with the psychology behind fighting for your life.

I am a trained martial artist of far eastern fighting techniques (Shorin-Ryu Shorinkan) and medieval western martial arts. (SCA) I am also a veteran of the USAF.

Very interesting!
Quite a life to lead. I hope you consider writing a book about your exploits sometime.

 

[OokamiKasumi]

Very interesting! Quite a life to lead.

I'm a lot older than I seem. ;) I've experimented and experienced many, many things. Every bit of it enriches my work.

I hope you consider writing a book about your exploits sometime.

Nope. There are far too many embarrassing mistakes in my life that I want to forget about. I was very hot tempered when I was younger.

Besides, the only memoirs a publisher will touch are those belonging to Famous people. No one cares about the life of a trashy romance writer.