Hoshi's Feedback thread

[Hoshino]

It keeps increasing... Okay, I'm going to do all there is now, and that's the end-nya.

 

[Louhi]

It keeps increasing... Okay, I'm going to do all there is now, and that's the end-nya.

Do headpats next-nya.

 

[Failnot]

I made it in time to get some urgency in polishing my chapter one, thank you Hoshino

 

[MFontana]

I don't see anything wrong with the writing. If you are asking for a feedback on why the stories aren't gaining traction I am going to pull an Eldoria and tell you in a coherent and polite way that the issue is on the packaging. Insert Eldoria's feedback about webnovel optimization here.

Let me give you tips on how to attract more readers. Focus on writing one book until it's complete. Don't try doing all three at once. Insert Macha's feedback about readers preferring novels with many chapters to binge read here.

Hope this helps-nya.

Hoshino.

Thanks for the input, Macha. I do appreciate you taking the time to check things out, and jump in with your own feedback too. I'll keep it in mind, but, for clarity on my intent, I was hoping more for critique and feedback on the prose and writing when I asked. What's working well, and what isn't. Things that might need to be adjusted as I progress through the series, and tips to hone my craft and style. What's liked, or not liked. And most importantly, the 'Why' of it all.
I'd rather make the changes sooner, rather than later, so it's less work to go back and update the earlier chapters when the stories are finished, so if you're willing, I would appreciate the critique.
~Mike

 

[Macha]

Thanks for the input, Macha. I do appreciate you taking the time to check things out, and jump in with your own feedback too. I'll keep it in mind, but, for clarity on my intent, I was hoping more for critique and feedback on the prose and writing when I asked. What's working well, and what isn't. Things that might need to be adjusted as I progress through the series, and tips to hone my craft and style. What's liked, or not liked. And most importantly, the 'Why' of it all.
I'd rather make the changes sooner, rather than later, so it's less work to go back and update the earlier chapters when the stories are finished, so if you're willing, I would appreciate the critique.
~Mike

No issues from me. Sentence structures are varied and not monotonous. Paragraph lengths are just right. Most people often make the mistake of doing Great Gatsby (1 page 1 paragraph) or Wuwei Tianheyuan (1 sentence 1 paragraph) in their novels. Makes me wonder if you are actually an alt of an experienced/published author. Who are you really?
~Maia

 

[MFontana]

No issues from me. Sentences structures are varied and not monotonous. Paragraph lengths are just right. Most people often make the mistakes of doing Great Gatsby (1 page 1 paragraph) or Wuwei Tianheyuan (1 sentence 1 paragraph) in their novels. Makes me wonder if you are actually an alt of an experienced/published author. Who are you really?

I wish (Maybe one day). But nope. Just me. Also, I've made most (all) of those mistakes in the beginning too. First the latter, then the former (in overcompensation).
As my profile states, my name is Mike Fontana. No alternate here, though I did, admittedly, consider registering under a pseudonym.
Nothing published formally, or self-pub on amazon. Just an obsessive attention to detail and the craft that I've been honing for a little over two decades. Mostly just for my friend group and our TTRPG campaigns.

I think we can agree that this thread isn't the place for me to share my life's story though, but if you're curious, I don't mind chatting more directly. (I only first found out about ScribbleHub a couple of months ago, and joined when I did because we get to keep all the rights to the material we post here.

 

[Macha]

I think we can agree that this thread isn't the place for me to share my life's story though, but if you're curious, I don't mind chatting more directly. (I only first found out about ScribbleHub a couple of months ago, and joined when I did because we get to keep all the rights to the material we post here.

Careful there, you almost sounds like a scam bot "Let's chat in Discord!"

For the sake of not hijacking the thread, this will be the last time I replied to you.

 

[Hoshino]

Let's see if I can get more things to fix.

Untapped Memories

Cassa Ironbrooke and Eliana Krahl are stranded in the border town Moonbridge. To leave, their choices are bleak: fight through monster-infested wilds, or pay ship fares they can't afford. Either way, they're stuck. Hope seems lost, until they discover their missing master's journal. Inside it...

www.scribblehub.com

Thank you in advance.

On the cover, the top text is a bit blurry. That’s all I’m going to point out, as it is a little appealing.

And the synopsis is… well, okay. But there’s one thing I’m turned off by.

? Arcs:

1. The Missing Journal (Chapter 1–25)
2. Northern Road (Chapter 26–55, 26/30 published)
3. Vermilion Guardian (Chapter 56–85, TBA)
4. Dragonskull (TBA)
5. Rise of Eidolons (TBA)
6. Hellhound (TBA)
7. Legion (TBA)

Why would you add this, specifically the TBA ones? Anyway, moving on to the first chapter…

And you already managed to do it.

Cassa's shield repelled a leaping dire rat with a thud. One loud splash in the murky waterway, and the powerful current dragged the creature away toward its doom.

The adventurer wrinkled his nose. Enduring their rotten stink was tough, even after weeks of spelunking the foul-smelling sewers. But the threats they posed were impossible to ignore.

First, you introduce him by his name and then by a title. Lack of anchoring.

The dialogue is confusing. At least use some dialogue tags to make it easier for the reader to follow.

You’re telling us more than showing, and as they say, “show, don’t tell” you’ve probably already heard this many times.

You’re using modern slang, like “wack,” “assholes,” and “not-girlfriend,” in a medieval-feeling setting.

The alpha rat is mentioned but does nothing. I assume it actually does something in the next chapter.

Lastly, in the synopsis you say:

Cassa Ironbrooke and Eliana Krahl are stranded in the border town Moonbridge

But it’s an adventure between Cassa and Marcus. And the way you introduce it in the synopsis, it seems like an adventure story, but when you click on the chapter, it’s slice of life. Again, I’m going to assume this is a slow-burn adventure story, and the promised duo begins their talea later on.


Overall, I’d rate this 4/10

---

Hello!

My story is a LitRPG inspired by nostalgic MMORPGs, mixed with improvisation and a bit of wild imagination.
Hopefully it’s something you’ll enjoy xD
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2009819/immortals-conflict/

I’m really looking forward to any feedback. Thanks!

By the title and cover alone, it feels like one of those Chinese cultivation novels.

“If you seek the truth about your past… play Immortals Conflict.
And be careful—this game isn’t as simple as it looks.”

Zack almost dismissed it as another one of Rin’s pranks—until he opened the envelope and found a loaded bank card tied to his past. Someone out there knew more than they should and wanted him to seek answers. With no clues except a silent push toward the VRMMO Immortals Conflict, Zack logs in, determined to uncover who changed his name, what happened to his parents, and why the truth is hidden inside a game.

Those ehm dashes, especially when used with spaces, will make people think it’s AI-written. You should fix that. Also, this synopsis feels more like a paragraph lifted directly from the story and presented as a synopsis. That’s all I’m going to say about it.

So, on to Chapter 1.

Let’s get the grammatical mistakes out of the way:

“Option one,” Rin declared, raising a finger. "You confess your everlasting love to Trix in front of the entire café"

Missing quotation marks.

Rin’s grin broadened. “Nope. Option two — create a character and team up with me in immortals Conflict. You can play the role of my personal healer or something.”

Again, an ehm dash isn’t necessary here. You could replace it with a colon.

Rin laughed, completely unfazed. “Everyone’s buzzing about it. You should be grateful that I’m pushing you to have some fun.”

And that letter you received, the one saying ‘if you want answers, rise to the top in the game,’ that must signify something, right? You’re not bad at games anyway, so why not give it a try?”

There’s no need to space these out like that.

A part of him had always been curious about his origins; he just wasn't prepared for the dangers that accompanied that desire. And honestly, how bad could a game be… right?
***
Zack’s apartment wasn't large, but it thrived, thanks solely to Rin.

Add a line break or something here. The transition cuts off abruptly.

Now, ignoring the overall overuse of “—”, let’s move on to the protagonist. He’s cool, quiet, capable, and lightly traumatized, like just about every MMORPG/LitRPG protagonist ever. He falls so flat that the side character is more developed than he is.

Anyway…

It’s definitely a LitRPG, more specifically, LitRPG story #5291.

You’re heavily relying on telling rather than showing, and you overexplain things. The emotions feel flat. Moreover, the characters’ dialogue feels kind of forced.

It feels like one of those terrible power fantasies.

Fix the spammy use of ehm dashes; otherwise, some people will assume it was written by AI. Or that may actually be the case, but it mostly feels like it was edited by one.

Overall, I’d rate it 2/10

---

Good day, and a Happy New Year to you, Hoshino
I've got three series up right now, and would welcome feedback and critique on any (or all) of them at your leisure.

... What the hell. Do you think I'm insane enough to do three stories-

I should also probably warn you in advance, that my writing style is built upon dense, thematic and descriptive prose, and may not appeal to everyone. The only brief exception to this, is the Prologue of Aestelle Nocte, which was intentionally written for a different, fast-paced, feel.

First up: Aethara: The King's Path

I'm just gonna not talk about the cover, and skim over the synopsis and say I already dropped at it. This isn't because of your dramatic grand opening to this work of yours, but because of the "what to expect" section. I don't like those, This is a personal bias.


Okay so I'll say this you have decent world building, and consistent tone. And minimal grammar mistakes

With that over, you're Overdescribing everything, which makes the pacing nonexistent.

Many sentences feel like they were written to sound epic, not to serve the story.

You're telling, not showing a lot of the time which I see many struggle with.

Overuse of ellipses.

All of this chapter is in indent which I suppose is a stylistic choice.


Another thing I want to point out is, after the prologue its just lore dumps chapters and notes that should go in glossary. In which case, you did put something in the glossary, but putting these as chapter is kinda of putting for me.


2/10

Recommended Reading Order: Prelude, Chapter 1, Chapter 2 (Chapter 3 will be released later this month, after I finish writing and editing it)

Was that necessary? Is that not the normal order in which you read in.

Next up: Aestelle Nocte: A Sci-Fi Harem Story
Recommended Reading Order: Prelude, Chapter 0 [Prologue], Chapter 1
Bonus Content: Mostly notes and character details for the folks who want them.
Brief Summary: As the title indicates, this is a sci-fi / harem story, set on Earth, that is basically intended to be a light (thematically) Rom-Com that can, and will, be shaped by reader votes, polls, and comments presented in an Episodic format. The prologue is intended to be a short, sharp, and quick introduction to the background before the story begins in full, so there will be a sharp, intentional, difference in style between Chapter 0 and Chapter 1.

"Aestelle Nocte: A Sci-Fi Harem Story" Now that's an instant drop for me. Can't you tell such simple things just by genres alone? Ignoring that, cover, and synopsis.

Again you start the story with two chapters, of that could even be called chapters, that should be in the glossary.

I'll skip the Prologue since there's nothing really happening here.

First chapter, and the mc feels like a power-fantasy caricature

Repetition. And the usual tone whiplash.

And then like I already mentioned before, too much telling, not enough showing.

This reads like another harem slop novel across the hundreds of thousands one.

2/10.

Last, but certainly not least: The Elarian Chronicles

The synopsis is not even a synopsis anymore.

I'm just going to skim over this and not bother rating it.

Okay after reading three of your novels, the biggest thing you struggle with is: showing over telling, pacing, and actually plot.

You write well, I give you that but that does not mean it will make your work worthwhile.

 

[MFontana]

... What the hell. Do you think I'm insane enough to do three stories-

I'm just gonna not talk about the cover, and skim over the synopsis and say I already dropped at it. This isn't because of your dramatic grand opening to this work of yours, but because of the "what to expect" section. I don't like those, This is a personal bias.


Okay so I'll say this you have decent world building, and consistent tone. And minimal grammar mistakes

With that over, you're Overdescribing everything, which makes the pacing nonexistent.

Many sentences feel like they were written to sound epic, not to serve the story.

You're telling, not showing a lot of the time which I see many struggle with.

Overuse of ellipses.

All of this chapter is in indent which I suppose is a stylistic choice.


Another thing I want to point out is, after the prologue its just lore dumps chapters and notes that should go in glossary. In which case, you did put something in the glossary, but putting these as chapter is kinda of putting for me.


2/10



Was that necessary? Is that not the normal order in which you read in.

"Aestelle Nocte: A Sci-Fi Harem Story" Now that's an instant drop for me. Can't you tell such simple things just by genres alone? Ignoring that, cover, and synopsis.

Again you start the story with two chapters, of that could even be called chapters, that should be in the glossary.

I'll skip the Prologue since there's nothing really happening here.

First chapter, and the mc feels like a power-fantasy caricature

Repetition. And the usual tone whiplash.

And then like I already mentioned before, too much telling, not enough showing.

This reads like another harem slop novel across the hundreds of thousands one.

2/10.

The synopsis is not even a synopsis anymore.

I'm just going to skim over this and not bother rating it.

Okay after reading three of your novels, the biggest thing you struggle with is: showing over telling, pacing, and actually plot.

You write well, I give you that but that does not mean it will make your work worthwhile.

Thank you, Hoshino, for taking the time to look them over. I appreciate the honesty, and your input.

I will keep all of that in mind while I continue working on the stories moving forward into the year ahead, and I do hope you have a happy, and fortuitous, new year as well.

EDIT:
I updated the title for Aestelle Nocte, as per your suggestion.

 

[empalgepuk]

On the cover, the top text is a bit blurry. That’s all I’m going to point out, as it is a little appealing.

And the synopsis is… well, okay. But there’s one thing I’m turned off by.



Why would you add this, specifically the TBA ones? Anyway, moving on to the first chapter…

And you already managed to do it.



First, you introduce him by his name and then by a title. Lack of anchoring.

The dialogue is confusing. At least use some dialogue tags to make it easier for the reader to follow.

You’re telling us more than showing, and as they say, “show, don’t tell” you’ve probably already heard this many times.

You’re using modern slang, like “wack,” “assholes,” and “not-girlfriend,” in a medieval-feeling setting.

The alpha rat is mentioned but does nothing. I assume it actually does something in the next chapter.

Lastly, in the synopsis you say:



But it’s an adventure between Cassa and Marcus. And the way you introduce it in the synopsis, it seems like an adventure story, but when you click on the chapter, it’s slice of life. Again, I’m going to assume this is a slow-burn adventure story, and the promised duo begins their talea later on.


Overall, I’d rate this 4/10

Thank you for the review.

Someone said how I need to plan the chapters ahead so I put the arc list in; I'll remove that as soon as possible. Also, I followed a guide in this very forum that "you don't need so many tags" and how dialogue tags actually hurt my story here, so I removed half of the gestures and most "he said", "he asked", "he replied", etc. Looks like I need to put them back in and see if it works.

And yeah, Marcus was once the planned secondary MC when I started writing this back in 2017. I've been struggling to switch that part with Ellie's actual chapters. I might not be able to do it soon, but someday I will.

Again, thank you for the review. I'm glad I still get something to put in my to do list.

 

[Lookbehindyou]

I got skipped?
I think the nice feedback lady is gone to heaven as well
Noo!

 

[TheSystemlessOne]

It’s probably because this is my first fiction and most of the choices I made were simply to get noticed... (You have already given xD.. maybe Chinese mc in cover page but hey.. his eyes are open).

The world I’m building is designed to make use of everything, since my MC isn’t reincarnated, doesn’t have a cheat and doesn’t get handed free power (plot armor exploit).

At first glance, it might look like just another LitRPG among thousands, but I’m not planning to write dumb characters (the kind which forces you to to read with half your brain turned off).

The character dynamics are closer to a real MMORPG, with some unique twists spread throughout the story.
It would have everything you might expect a reader to think... especially from a gamer's perspective :D

Thanks for the review— it genuinely helped me realize a few important things.