Heya?

Scaver

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""I sat cross-legged as the cold from the soil reached up to me; waking me out of my thoughts. I’d first think it was just a dream, something that i could wake up from but not anymore. As i saw the sun move, reach out and climb its way down, my heart grew cold along with it.

The wind was blowing from my side, causing the slow rustle of the leaves and the calm chirping of the bird which left me in a daze. I would have found it relaxing if not for the current situation.

How did i come here? Despite my memories being vague and all over the place, i knew for a fact that i was not camping in the woods. So how?""


Those are the first few paragraphs of my story. So my quesiton is would you keep reading? did it interest you or build a sense of curiosity? If anything that you think could have been better.
 
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""I sat cross-legged as the cold from the soil reached up to me; wanking me out of my thoughts. I’d first think it was just a dream, something that i could wake up from but not anymore. As i saw the sun move, reach out and climb its way down, my heart grew cold along with it.

The wind was blowing from my side, causing the slow rustle of the leaves and the calm chirping of the bird which left me in a daze. I would have found it relaxing if not for the current situation.

How did i come here? Despite my memories being vague and all over the place, i knew for a fact that i was not camping in the woods. So how?""


Those are the first few paragraphs of my story. So my quesiton is would you keep reading? did it interest you or build a sense of curiosity? If anything that you think could have been better.
I'd like to point out some errors.

First, the 'i'. If you aim to take writing seriously, then you should mind your capitalizations (and punctuations). A lot of readers tend to drop works with mistakes. Having English as a 'second language' isn't an excuse really, as there are readers who like to think to themselves as the Roger Ebert of contemporary literature. (Don't be like the early me)

Second, you'd entice readers to read your work by composing a good synopsis, in combination to writing a good first chapter or a prologue, not a few paragraphs. Make it an incomplete idea, and they'd drop it as well.

Just continue on writing your story. I'm sure you'll have an audience here (which can vary, depending on how your story progressed).
 

Syringe

Bluetooth 7 Enabled Holy Blade w/ Red Dot Sight
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I'm not sure if wanking is correct in this context, since it means... er, masturbation. Do you mean 'waking'?
 

Scaver

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I'm not sure if wanking is correct in this context, since it means... er, masturbation. Do you mean 'waking'?
oh shit! I meant... Well something else haha
I'd like to point out some errors.

First, the 'i'. If you aim to take writing seriously, then you should mind your capitalizations (and punctuations). A lot of readers tend to drop works with mistakes. Having English as a 'second language' isn't an excuse really, as there are readers who like to think to themselves as the Roger Ebert of contemporary literature. (Don't be like the early me)

Second, you'd entice readers to read your work by composing a good synopsis, in combination to writing a good first chapter or a prologue, not a few paragraphs. Make it an incomplete idea, and they'd drop it as well.

Just continue on writing your story. I'm sure you'll have an audience here (which can vary, depending on how your story progressed).
Thanks but dropping for a 'i' is weird.
I just posted a few paraghaps to see if it was alright and all.
My story aren't a litrpg but rather a high fantasy aka isekai lol
 
D

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Thanks but dropping for a 'i' is weird.
I just posted a few paraghaps to see if it was alright and all.
My story aren't a litrpg but rather a high fantasy aka isekai lol
Well, there's no issue, and really, I'd like to see more of the rest of the chapter.
 

SsemouyOnan

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The first few lines aren't much to go off of, its better to post the entire chapter. I can point out how it fucking sucks a couple problems though.

I sat cross-legged as the cold from the soil reached up to me; waking me out of my thoughts. I’d first think it was just a dream, something that i could wake up from but not anymore. As i saw the sun move, reach out and climb its way down, my heart grew cold along with it.
The start has very little impact, these are things you're better off leaving a couple lines later. This is a first person perspective, try starting out with the thoughts he was 'woken up' from.(this is very poor word choice, since its not exactly a state he has to wake up from. Try something like 'detracting'). You also used the semicolon incorrectly; a regular comma is appropriate for this sentence, since it's not linking two sentences that can stand alone.

Second sentence, "I had first think it was just a dream", think -> thought. You started off with past-tense, keep it consistent. "something that I could wake up from, but it wasn't. not anymore(this implies he has woken up from a situation like this, has he?).

Third sentence. "As I saw the sun move, reach out and climb its way down, my heart grew cold along with it." Might be my personal preference, but this idiom doesn't really make sense. You put too much actions, and describe very little of the sun. Maybe it could reach out with rays of light, or climb its way down from the clouds. The sun didn't grow colder, the air around him did... unless you're going for a fantasy type of sun that's a giant lightbulb.

The wind was blowing from my side, causing the slow rustle of the leaves and the calm chirping of the bird which left me in a daze. I would have found it relaxing if not for the current situation.

Rustle -> rustling. to keep it consistent with the rest of the sentence. Additionally, its implying that the chirping of the birds was also caused by the wind. You can try moving that part to another sentence. "That, along with the calm chirping of the birds/a bird(since it is not a very specific bird that's important, I hope) left me in a daze.

How did i come here? Despite my memories being vague and all over the place, i knew for a fact that i was not camping in the woods. So how?
Come -> get, 'come' is present tense, you're writing in past tense. As for the rest, you should try portraying his memories were vague and all over the place, cause the previous lines do not suggest that whatsoever. You wrote everything more like a third-person limited instead of a first-person perspective, try to take advantage of it and get the reader more involved with the thoughts of the narrator.


That's just my 2 cents, from the little info we got from these paragraphs.
 

RepresentingCaution

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Nope. I've rejected several manuscripts where the protagonist spends the entire story not interacting with other characters. Now, each time it looks like something is headed in that direction, I give up after a few minutes of reading. I'm sure someone out there likes that stuff, but I don't.
 

Scaver

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Murderer! You mudered me with your critisism! Now jokes aside thanks for the nitpicking.

Third sentence. "As I saw the sun move, reach out and climb its way down, my heart grew cold along with it." Might be my personal preference, but this idiom doesn't really make sense. You put too much actions, and describe very little of the sun. Maybe it could reach out with rays of light, or climb its way down from the clouds. The sun didn't grow colder, the air around him did... unless you're going for a fantasy type of sun that's a giant lightbulb.
Well sun is a giant light bulb right?
Second sentence, "I had first think it was just a dream", think -> thought. You started off with past-tense, keep it consistent. "something that I could wake up from, but it wasn't. not anymore(this implies he has woken up from a situation like this, has he?).
Okay you are right here. But he is wake now tho?
"That, along with the calm chirping of the birds/a bird(since it is not a very specific bird that's important, I hope) left me in a daze.
Mc doesn't even know about birds lol And he is still a daze. So no, birds plays no part but just to describe a forest like scenario which i am having a a fuck ton of problem writing.
Come -> get, 'come' is present tense, you're writing in past tense. As for the rest, you should try portraying his memories were vague and all over the place, cause the previous lines do not suggest that whatsoever.
Wdym? His memories all over the place was supposed to mean that he didn't know how he was there and it's like waking up and having a hard time thinking. I mean i face this pretty much every morning xD

But anyways thanks for the critisism. I think i became a better writer already Lmaoo
Nope. I've rejected several manuscripts where the protagonist spends the entire story not interacting with other characters. Now, each time it looks like something is headed in that direction, I give up after a few minutes of reading. I'm sure someone out there likes that stuff, but I don't.
He does a little bit later. But with a mad man who just wants to kill him!
 

APieceOfRock

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Murderer! You mudered me with your critisism! Now jokes aside thanks for the nitpicking.


Well sun is a giant light bulb right?

Okay you are right here. But he is wake now tho?

Mc doesn't even know about birds lol And he is still a daze. So no, birds plays no part but just to describe a forest like scenario which i am having a a fuck ton of problem writing.

Wdym? His memories all over the place was supposed to mean that he didn't know how he was there and it's like waking up and having a hard time thinking. I mean i face this pretty much every morning xD

But anyways thanks for the critisism. I think i became a better writer already Lmaoo

He does a little bit later. But with a mad man who just wants to kill him!
No. The sun is a deadly laser.
 

T.K._Paradox

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No. The sun is a deadly laser.
False, the Sun is the funny 2 octillion ton death orb that drops sick beats.

Seriously, there is this device that allows you to listen to the sounds of celestial bodies, and the Sun sounds like a permanent bass drop.
 
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