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[A-Random-Writer]

Hello! Could someone please take a few moments to read my story and give some feedback on it? I really want to know where i need to improve at to make my story better.
thank you!

Maybe my high school life won’t be so bad after all! - There’s a field trip? | Scribble Hub
Could you take a look at my first chapter?

The final bell of the day rings, signaling to all the students of Sakuragaoka High School that the day is over and that they may go home or talk to their friends.
For one lonely student he can only wish to talk to people.
Sixteen-year-old Saeki Kazuya is a complete loner who can barely hold a conversation with his little brother. He dreams of being able to have a friend or even just being able to talk to a girl. He talks to himself, but it never helps him.
Hmm... I wonder what I should do today. Maybe I should go hang out with my girlfriend!
Oh, wait, I've never had a girlfriend!
I will go call my best friend then!
Never mind, I've never had a friend in the first place.
I guess it's usual. I'll just have to walk home by myself like every day.
Kazuya sighed and slung his vintage medic bag over his shoulder. He stepped out into the empty hallways and made his way towards the school gate.
I love this bag and all but it's about to fall apart. These straps are at least twice as old as I am. I would get rid of it, but it was a gift from my great grandfather. I wonder how he got it.
He took a left out of the school yard and proceeded to walk home.
Let's see here... I need to sweep when I get home don't I. My brother has track practice so he won't be home until 6 o'clock so I will have the house to myself.
Not that being alone is anything out of the ordinary for me.
Lost in his train of thought he stepped into a puddle of spilled tea getting his brand-new light blue uniform wet.
Ah. Exactly what I needed. I just bought this yesterday. God, I hope this stain will come out. My father would kill me if he saw this.
While standing and analyzing his now ruined shirt, a car flew by him blasting the horn causing him to jump into the air.
SPLASH!
He jumped back into the puddle of tea now his socks are soaking wet. He still has half-a-kilometer to walk before he gets home.
Wow. What amazing timing. Things could get any wo-.
Maybe I shouldn't say that. The last thing I need to do is curse my luck for the rest of the day.
He painfully continued to walk down the city streets taking notes of the area.
Oh, that's cool. I didn't realize they had a library near my house.
He tilted his head.
How did I miss that?
He pulled out his notepad and quickly jotted down the location of the library. He was very careful to put the notepad back as to not break his bag.
He walked up to the perfect white door to his house. He painted it himself to make sure there were no blemishes on it.
"Anyone home!" Kazuya called out as he took his outside shoes off.
Silence. Just as expected.
He set his bag down in his room. He collapsed onto his bed.
There's pretty much nothing for me to do. I would try to talk to someone but....
That could never happen.
He stood back up and went into the kitchen. He quickly glanced over the marble counters to look for dirt or any leftover crumbs.
Nothing was there. Except for a purple sticky note.
“Kazuya, Your father and I are going to a bar with our co-workers tonight, so you and Souta need to go out and eat tonight! PS. I left 1200 yen in the knife drawer for you to use!”
Ah. I don't even know what to eat. Sushi sounds good. Souta loves sushi so he won't be a problem. I'll head out once I finish sweeping the floors.
Kazuya quickly swept the floors until they were perfect. He threw on his outside shoes after he got the money.
Alright, which restaurant should I go to? I'll just go to the closest one. I've read it's pretty good.
He walked down the empty sidewalks thinking about what he wanted to order. It didn't take long to get there.
Uh. Why are they here?
The "popular" group of students were already there eating.
I'm just going to get my food and leave. Nothing else.
Kazuya got in line. He tried to keep himself busy by reading the menu. He couldn't help but overhear them.
"Hey, are you guys ready to go on the field trip to Tokyo next week? One of them says,
Can they be any louder? There's no reason to be talking that lo-
Did he say field trip? I wasn't told about this!
"Hey sir, can we take your order?"
Kazuya had zoned out. He ran up to the counter and ordered quickly. He found a seat near the group.
I don't remember getting an email about this. It wasn't even on the board in class! Maybe I missed it.
He frantically opened up his email on his phone.
Let's see here.
Are you kidding me? They sent out the email not even 3 hours ago!
There's a list to go alongside it.
Bus seating chart
No... Please tell me this is a dream.
Why do they have to do this? Who wants to be forced to sit by a stranger? Especially on a trip like this.
Wait. Maybe the sensei took note of my chronic loneliness and sat me by myself!
He was not sitting by himself. He was placed in the front of the bus.
I'm sitting by a girl for the trip?!?
Out of anyone in my class it just had to be a girl. Didn’t it?
Also, why would they not show the name of the person I'm sitting by? Who thought only showing the gender of the person is a good idea?
This is stupid. Don’t they know my high school life sucks as it is?
Kazuya set his phone down and closed his eyes.
Who is this girl?

 

[Fairemont]

I give it a solid 0/10 for not being linked.

 

[A-Random-Writer]

your right

 

[Worthy39]

Hm... no. But thank you for offering.

 

[A-Random-Writer]

What?

 

[L1aei]

Hello! Could someone please take a few moments to read my story and give some feedback on it? I really want to know where i need to improve at to make my story better.
thank you!

Maybe my high school life won’t be so bad after all! - There’s a field trip? | Scribble Hub

Hey, a bit of a warning for you newbie.

 

[A-Random-Writer]

Uh. Ok then. Is it a bot or something or is it bad? I'm so confused right now.

 

[L1aei]

Uh. Ok then. Is it a bot or something or is it bad? I'm so confused right now.

You'll get bots or artists using bots to encourage you that they like what you wrote, but hadn't even read a single word. They'll target new authors who are unaware of the scam. They'll do something like contact you in comments, then transfer the conversation to someplace more direct like your mailbox or Discord or whatever.

The real bad scams are the ones who want you to write a contract because they want to publish your stuff. Be wary of those.

Hope that clarifies some of the danger.

 

[A-Random-Writer]

Oh that could have been bad. Thank you for the heads up!

 

[Eldoria]

Put your content of the chapter you want reviewed in the thread. This is simple but important. It would be a pain to just go back and forth links to point out errors.

Be patient until someone takes the time to check your work.

 

[Eldoria]

Hello! Could someone please take a few moments to read my story and give some feedback on it? I really want to know where i need to improve at to make my story better.
thank you!

Okay, the narration isn't bad... I can visualize the scene. This is a good start, especially if you're a new author. Most new writers struggle with visualizing scenes, especially when it comes to character movement and scene transitions.

You could consider this a strength of your chapter—at least the first chapter I read. But don't be complacent. The critique has only just begun!

First, your MC monologues too much... is this your character really that talkative? Judging by how you describe him, it seems he's considered an introvert in his environment (the narrative mentions him suffering from chronic loneliness).

But the voice of his monologues makes me hard to believe... he's an introvert. So there's a character inconsistency. If you want to portray an MC who's truly introverted or lonely, at least study personality psychology (especially aspects of introverted personality and loneliness disorders) before narrating his personality.

Second, the POVs are inconsistent. You use a third POV... yet your narration shows a lot of the MC's inner voice. I feel more like you're writing from the first POV, rather than a limited third POV.

Did you intentionally create a lot of inner voice (monologue) to tell what the MC is experiencing? I think you should just use the first POV. Using the first POV would provide a more immersive experience in this context.

Third, your narrative still relies more on telling than showing. Telling isn't wrong. However, if your narrator constantly narrates what the MC is doing, the MC will feel more like a robot being manipulated rather than a character living in their world.

It's better to show it, especially at key moments. Use tell it only to summarize the plot, skip time, and emphasize emotions (after the show-it emotion).

Fourth, this narrative feels flat and slow. I can understand this because of the SoL genre. However, good fiction is about making the reader care.

I don't feel connected to your MC. I don't even know what the conflict of this chapter is, especially since this chapter is a prologue that is supposed to present the story's premise.

Fifth, at the end of the chapter, the narration does show the MC sitting with a stranger... but who cares? Is sitting with a stranger a problem?

Okay, maybe you want to make a teen rom-com... but the presentation of the romance narrative is too flat. The chapter ends with the MC finding out he's sitting with a strange girl? So what?

What's the romantic conflict? I don't even see the MC needing romance. Please give me a hook that makes me care about your MC.

Finally, I'm sleepy. So that's enough feedback from me. Well, we're all learning from scratch. You're off to a good start. Please improve your narrative. Good luck.

Regards.

Critical note:
If you want to improve your narrative... you should learn and apply the principle of "show it, don't tell it!" This isn't an absolute principle, but it's a good guideline for new authors to narrate more immersive scenes.

 

[A-Random-Writer]

Okay, the narration isn't bad... I can visualize the scene. This is a good start, especially if you're a new author. Most new writers struggle with visualizing scenes, especially when it comes to character movement and scene transitions.

You could consider this a strength of your chapter—at least the first chapter I read. But don't be complacent. The critique has only just begun!

First, your MC monologues too much... is this your character really that talkative? Judging by how you describe him, it seems he's considered an introvert in his environment (the narrative mentions him suffering from chronic loneliness).

But the voice of his monologues makes me hard to believe... he's an introvert. So there's a character inconsistency. If you want to portray an MC who's truly introverted or lonely, at least study personality psychology (especially aspects of introverted personality and loneliness disorders) before narrating his personality.

Second, the POVs are inconsistent. You use a third POV... yet your narration shows a lot of the MC's inner voice. I feel more like you're writing from the first POV, rather than a limited third POV.

Did you intentionally create a lot of inner voice (monologue) to tell what the MC is experiencing? I think you should just use the first POV. Using the first POV would provide a more immersive experience in this context.

Third, your narrative still relies more on telling than showing. Telling isn't wrong. However, if your narrator constantly narrates what the MC is doing, the MC will feel more like a robot being manipulated rather than a character living in their world.

It's better to show it, especially at key moments. Use tell it only to summarize the plot, skip time, and emphasize emotions (after the show-it emotion).

Fourth, this narrative feels flat and slow. I can understand this because of the SoL genre. However, good fiction is about making the reader care.

I don't feel connected to your MC. I don't even know what the conflict of this chapter is, especially since this chapter is a prologue that is supposed to present the story's premise.

Fifth, at the end of the chapter, the narration does show the MC sitting with a stranger... but who cares? Is sitting with a stranger a problem?

Okay, maybe you want to make a teen rom-com... but the presentation of the romance narrative is too flat. The chapter ends with the MC finding out he's sitting with a strange girl? So what?

What's the romantic conflict? I don't even see the MC needing romance. Please give me a hook that makes me care about your MC.

Finally, I'm sleepy. So that's enough feedback from me. Well, we're all learning from scratch. You're off to a good start. Please improve your narrative. Good luck.

Regards.

Critical note:
If you want to improve your narrative... you should learn and apply the principle of "show it, don't tell it!" This isn't an absolute principle, but it's a good guideline for new authors to narrate more immersive scenes.

Thank you for the feedback! I will go back in and tweak some stuff around when I get the time to! I think I'm beginning to understand where i need to improve on thanks to you.