Editing Help with my poems.

[NotaNuffian]

Context, the 1st poem serves the purpose to join in the rebellion group known as Polaris. The 2nd poem is how the illiterate farmer-turned-beserker's cynical reaction to the cause. He does however agrees on one thing; nobles must die.

1st
With the unwavering star that shines bright.
You guide us through the ceaseless night.
Amidst the woes, suffering and endless fright.
You are the power that grants us might.
Against the brutal oppression from society's blight.
Embrace the hope of humanity, Polaris' Light!

2nd
The smoldering embers from the snuffed source.
With lies and trickeries, sending many off-course.
Fumbling into the ashes, all the innocents.
Watch as all things they hold dear get horribly burnt.
Gone is the hope but ignites the anger.
From hell I bring you to your maker.

Please help to see how to improve on the wordings, I can tell that there are not enough bite (power in words) to them. No persuasions.

 

[ThrillingHuman]

Hal Jordan, the greatest Polaris lantern!

I don't know how to write poems, but I guess the first could use some some different rhyme schemes. It's a bit confusing when every line rhymes with each other.

The second one has two not-rhyming lines.

 

[NotaNuffian]

Hal Jordan, the greatest Polaris lantern!

I don't know how to write poems, but I guess the first could use some some different rhyme schemes. It's a bit confusing when every line rhymes with each other.

The second one has two not-rhyming lines.

Lol, I knew someone would do a GL joke.

 

[ElijahRyne]

In the final line, I think the poem might flow better if you remove humanity.
In the second poem you broke the rhyming scheme on the 3rd line. So you might want to turn ‘innocents’ to innocent. In the 5th line turn ‘but’ feels weird, you can change it to something like ‘its absence’

Here is some broader vauge advice: Do something with the syllables. In example for your first poem, if every other line matched each other in syllable count it might be a bit snappier. If that makes since.
In the second poem you had a 10-11 syllable thing going on for a bit, and it was pretty cool!

 

[NotaNuffian]

In the final line, I think the poem might flow better if you remove humanity.
In the second poem you broke the rhyming scheme on the 3rd line. So you might want to turn ‘innocents’ to innocent. In the 5th line turn ‘but’ feels weird, you can change it to something like ‘its absence’

Here is some broader vauge advice: Do something with the syllables. In example for your first poem, if every other line matched each other in syllable count it might be a bit snappier. If that makes since.
In the second poem you had a 10-11 syllable thing going on for a bit, and it was pretty cool!

1st
With the unwavering star that shines bright.
You guide us through the ceaseless night.
Amidst the woes, suffering and endless fright.
You are the power that grants us might.
Against the brutal oppression from society's blight.
Embrace the hope, Polaris' Light!

2nd
The smoldering embers from the snuffed source.
With lies and trickeries, sending many off-course.
Fumbling into the ashes, all the innocent.
Watch as all things they hold dear get horribly burnt.
Gone is the hope, its absence ignites the anger.
From hell I bring you to your maker.

Hal Jordan, the greatest Polaris lantern!

I don't know how to write poems, but I guess the first could use some some different rhyme schemes. It's a bit confusing when every line rhymes with each other.

The second one has two not-rhyming lines.

Hard for me to rhyme everything, but the least I can do is give excuse that the 2nd poem is made by an illiterate.

 

[DarkGodEM]

With the unwavering star that shines bright.
You guide us [add word here to match cadence, I'd go with proudly] through the ceaseless night.
Amidst the woes, suffering and (remove endless) fright.
You are the power that grants us might.
Against the brutal oppression [of] society's blight.
Embrace the hope of humanity, Polaris' Light!


The smoldering embers from the snuffed source;
With lies and trickeries, send( remove ing) many off-course.
Fumbling into ashes, all the innocents watch;
As all things dear get burnt into ash.
Gone is the hope but lit is the anger.
From hell I bring you; your life hanger.

So, the problem with the second one is structural.
A
A
B
B
is good and acceptable.

but if you do
A
A
B
C
you gotta complete it with
B
C or
C
B
Most of the times if just a quartet, the repetition is key. But you could go with what I just said, a Stanza or Triolet. Those are easier.

You have to roughly match the cadence and length of sentences to get them to sound like a poem, unless you go for a continuous or repetitive one, but those are mostly a lot longer.
Phew... it had been years since I tried anything to do with poetry

 

[trinitys_gadget]

With the unwavering star that shines bright.
You guide us through the ceaseless night.
Amidst the woes, suffering and endless fright.
You are the power that grants us might.
Against the brutal oppression from society's blight.
Embrace the hope of humanity, Polaris' Light!

Recommendation:
Unwavering star shining bright,
You guide us through the ceaseless night.
Amidst woes, suffering, and fright,
You are the power that grants us might.
Against the oppression of {"society's" doesn't feel like the right word here. I'd cast about and reconsider this word and possibly this line} blight,
Embrace Hope, humanity, Polaris' Light!

The smoldering embers from the snuffed source.
With lies and trickeries, sending many off-course.
Fumbling into the ashes, all the innocents.
Watch as all things they hold dear get horribly burnt.
Gone is the hope but ignites the anger.
From hell I bring you to your maker.

I'm not caffeinated enough for the second one. Is there a specific event referenced by the first line? In all, my first impression of the poem is of kludgy imagery.

Read so Cooleridge, Poe, and Keats, then try again.

 

[LilTV1155]

Are you trying to go for a sonnet Shakespearean or something similar like a bard?

1st. Too cheesy for recruitment. A lil too wordy. Too much focus on rhymes. If you are going to recruit peasants, make it less flowery and more short and straight to the point. Nothing in this poem state the causes to inspire people to join the rebellion.
Peasants are mostly illiterate in their times and they don't get to see much unless they are wealthy or traders.

2nd. First 4 lines in 2nd poem sound like a man singing alot about the past, but nothing show expressions of cynicism at recruitment poem.

 

[NotaNuffian]

Are you trying to go for a sonnet Shakespearean or something similar like a bard?

1st. Too cheesy for recruitment. A lil too wordy. Too much focus on rhymes. If you are going to recruit peasants, make it less flowery and more short and straight to the point. Nothing in this poem state the causes to inspire people to join the rebellion.
Peasants are mostly illiterate in their times and they don't get to see much unless they are wealthy or traders.

2nd. First 4 lines in 2nd poem sound like a man singing alot about the past, but nothing show expressions of cynicism at recruitment poem.

*Raise hand* yeah, the first one is too much for uncultured peasants. But it is not just for the peasants (actually... not really for them because peasants are cattles in medieval times) but rather wealthy merchants and rebeling nobles. It is just that the poem will be sing like nursary in the crowd.

As for the 2nd poem, it comes after the MC heard about it and he scoffed, being an indirect victim because his father's father chose to tagalong the crowd who wanted to join the reformation and there is nothing lower than serfs for them to be banished (actually there is in my work... but I kind of forgot... crud), kind of the reason why they are not executed via relation.

 

[trinitys_gadget]

cattles

the word is "chattel"

 

[NotaNuffian]

the word is "chattel"

I have no idea that word exist.

I used cattle because my government see me as an asset.

Asset = livestock = cattle (my thought process)

Also, like leading lambs to slaughter.

 

[Amok]

1st
With the unwavering star that shines bright.
You guide us through the ceaseless night.
Amidst the woes, suffering and endless fright.
You are the power that grants us might.
Against the brutal oppression from society's blight.
Embrace the hope of humanity, Polaris' Light!

2nd
The smoldering embers from the snuffed source.
With lies and trickeries, sending many off-course.
Fumbling into the ashes, all the innocents.
Watch as all things they hold dear get horribly burnt.
Gone is the hope but ignites the anger.
From hell I bring you to your maker.

Possibles:

1st

Aided by that unwavering star, shining bright
You guide us through the ceaseless night
Amidst suffering, woes and endless fear
You give us might for the burden we bear
of brutal oppression, society's blight
So embrace humanity's hope, Polaris' Light!

2nd

Smoldering embers drifting from snuffed source
through lies and trickery send many off-course
Stumbling into ashes, all innocents watch
watch all they hold dear by fires consumed
Gone is all hope but ignited the wroth
From Hell I take you to your maker!

 

[VictorSaintCyr]

I'm going to disagree with the statements about the full same rhyme scheme on the first one being a stopper, especially based on class. Lots of lower class poetry that is built around a single rhyme, and abusing the hell out of it for as long as you can.

I am going to heartily agree with the poster who mentioned cadence. Its a recruitment song? It needs to be martial. You need to balance the syllables, either every line the same number, or an a b meter scheme that is a single foot off. As well as strong syllables for the middle of each line

/ / / / / / / / / /
With the unwavering star that shines bright.
10 syllables, 6th syllable ends unwavering, making it a good lead in to the rest of the four, making two five beat measures that break across a word


/ / / / / / / /
You guide us through the ceaseless night.
8 syllables and it definitely falls well into two 4 syllable measures. and 10 8 10 8 is a good martial pattern. Id say keep it.

/ / / / / / / / / / /
Amidst the woes, suffering and endless fright.
11 syllables and breaks in the beginning of suffering, plus the comma gives a weird stop.

Get rid of the comma, and the the
/ / / / / / / / / /
Amidst woe suffering and endless fright.
Its now 10, like line one, 6 is on the ing as well, so you've kept a pattern, and the three adjectives flow more like a chant (also, cut the s on woes, it flows better with suffering starting with an s)

/ / / / / / / / /
You are the power that grants us might.
9. and the middle syllable breaks across a word, which you avoided on your first 8, line two.

a couple changes. Get rid of are, its a weak word in this case, and change that grants to to grant. its a more direct action word in this case. fits better with the second line (and btw, excellent use of starting both lines with You. repetition of theme , builds a pattern. nicely done!)
/ / / / / / / /
You the power to grant us might.

/ / / / / / / / / / / / /
Against the brutal oppression from society's blight.
14. this line is just... bloated. it breaks all cadence and feel, and is way to propaganda and less call to action. also, its time for a turn you used "us" in the last line to get the listener invested. DOUBLE UP ON THAT!

/ / / / / / / / / /
We face the oppression of blank blank blight
10 syllables again, midline breaking across oppression. open with we, and you're both crowing about your accomplishments, and inviting the listener to BECOME part of we.
Of works better than from.
Society doesn't work for several reasons, not just that its three syllables. The people are part of society! this is a MILITARY rebellion, not a general anarchy (i think). You need something specific, but I don't know enough about the world. good two syllable words that might work are Nobles, merchants, Royal.
/ / / / / / / / / / / / / /
Embrace the hope of humanity, Polaris' Light!
14 again, and kinda scattered. humanity is one of those big syllable for small letter count words that can be tricky to use, and pluralized or ownershipped Ss are... a pain to count and say.

That said, we're closing. So it makes sense to break with the 8, and close with another 10.
BUT! We still want to imitate the FEEL of the 8 counts, specifically that they have a clean midline break at 4, rather than a word that crosses the line like the tens did.

Also, we can slide in the s' a little more cleanly, and play with the words a little, by rearranging. and having two single syllable words after two four syllable gives emphasis to them
(the system wont let me make the slashes match up here... weird. )
Polaris' Hope, Humanity's Light!

With the unwavering star that shines bright
You guide us through the ceaseless night
Amidst woe suffering and endless fright
You the power to grant us might
We face the oppression of Royal blight
Polaris' Hope, Humanity's Light!

I'm going to disagree with the statements about the full same rhyme scheme on the first one being a stopper, especially based on class. Lots of lower class poetry that is built around a single rhyme, and abusing the hell out of it for as long as you can.

I am going to heartily agree with the poster who mentioned cadence. Its a recruitment song? It needs to be martial. You need to balance the syllables, either every line the same number, or an a b meter scheme that is a single foot off. As well as strong syllables for the middle of each line

/ / / / / / / / / /
With the unwavering star that shines bright.
10 syllables, 6th syllable ends unwavering, making it a good lead in to the rest of the four, making two five beat measures that break across a word


/ / / / / / / /
You guide us through the ceaseless night.
8 syllables and it definitely falls well into two 4 syllable measures. and 10 8 10 8 is a good martial pattern. Id say keep it.

/ / / / / / / / / / /
Amidst the woes, suffering and endless fright.
11 syllables and breaks in the beginning of suffering, plus the comma gives a weird stop.

Get rid of the comma, and the the
/ / / / / / / / / /
Amidst woe suffering and endless fright.
Its now 10, like line one, 6 is on the ing as well, so you've kept a pattern, and the three adjectives flow more like a chant (also, cut the s on woes, it flows better with suffering starting with an s)

/ / / / / / / / /
You are the power that grants us might.
9. and the middle syllable breaks across a word, which you avoided on your first 8, line two.

a couple changes. Get rid of are, its a weak word in this case, and change that grants to to grant. its a more direct action word in this case. fits better with the second line (and btw, excellent use of starting both lines with You. repetition of theme , builds a pattern. nicely done!)
/ / / / / / / /
You the power to grant us might.

/ / / / / / / / / / / / /
Against the brutal oppression from society's blight.
14. this line is just... bloated. it breaks all cadence and feel, and is way to propaganda and less call to action. also, its time for a turn you used "us" in the last line to get the listener invested. DOUBLE UP ON THAT!

/ / / / / / / / / /
We face the oppression of blank blank blight
10 syllables again, midline breaking across oppression. open with we, and you're both crowing about your accomplishments, and inviting the listener to BECOME part of we.
Of works better than from.
Society doesn't work for several reasons, not just that its three syllables. The people are part of society! this is a MILITARY rebellion, not a general anarchy (i think). You need something specific, but I don't know enough about the world. good two syllable words that might work are Nobles, merchants, Royal.
/ / / / / / / / / / / / / /
Embrace the hope of humanity, Polaris' Light!
14 again, and kinda scattered. humanity is one of those big syllable for small letter count words that can be tricky to use, and pluralized or ownershipped Ss are... a pain to count and say.

That said, we're closing. So it makes sense to break with the 8, and close with another 10.
BUT! We still want to imitate the FEEL of the 8 counts, specifically that they have a clean midline break at 4, rather than a word that crosses the line like the tens did.

Also, we can slide in the s' a little more cleanly, and play with the words a little, by rearranging. and having two single syllable words after two four syllable gives emphasis to them
(the system wont let me make the slashes match up here... weird. )
Polaris' Hope, Humanity's Light!

With the unwavering star that shines bright
You guide us through the ceaseless night
Amidst woe suffering and endless fright
You the power to grant us might
We face the oppression of Royal blight
Polaris' Hope, Humanity's Light!

If you hit reply, the quote will show the slashes above each line where they are supposed to be.