Help, need advice

[Cookiez_N_Potionz]

My current synopsis ain't hitting and I'm trying to improve it.

How do you write a Slice of Life-LitRPG story without the Isekai and not make it boring? People are saying the exposition in my first chapter isn't needed. So if I delete chapter one is that better? My MC's gets his system in a unconventional way.

This is my new synopsis:



17 year-old, Collin Saint Rex is a biracial senior in highschool living his best life in Washington, D.C. He's got good grades, the best family, an awesome boyfriend, great friends, and he's the QB on his school's football team. But Collin's perfect life gets flipped upside-down when his older siblings fall into a mysterious coma. With no more tricks in his playbook, his folks decide it would be a good idea to visit their hometown. A change of scenery isn't something Collin wanted. Especially, since he doesn't remember his childhood. At his new school he bumps into a Emo-girl named Helena Jaeger and things get unreal when he receives something called: The Knight System. Collin must tackle life as a Maverick while aiding his childhood friend who's hiding a big secret.

 

[Zagaroth]

Let me try your synopsis as a rewrite:

Collin's high school life flips from great to a confusing disaster when his older siblings all fall into a coma and no one has an answer as to why.

His parents decide they need to move back to their hometown, in the hopes that getting Collin away from the recent memories will help him recover from the emotional shock. There, he meets an odd girl named Helena, who may be connected to his sudden acquisition of something called "The Knight System" that gives him powers under the alias of Maverick.

Now he is leading a surreal double life while trying to aid a childhood friend who is hiding (his/her/their) own big secret.

In summary: You gave too much of the mundane information and didn't focus on the juicy stuff. No one cares about last names in a blurb, unless it's clearly a dramatic bit of the story (such as the long name of a prince or something). His exact age? That can be slipped in later too. Who cares what big city it starts in really? Even if it's important to the story later, it doesn't add to the blurb, and the readers will find out when they read about it in the story.

'Odd' leaves something to be discovered, in what way is she odd? Emo creates too many mental assumptions before we meet her.

And even in slice of life, there's a lot of flavor that can be added. My story has a *lot* of slice of life, though it is in a more exotic setting. Even the reincarnate is a local, not an isekai.

Here's my semi-slice-of-life if you want to see how I have built my story: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1063356/no-need-for-a-core/

 

[tinymikes]

I think you are introducing too much and giving too little. Nothing really hooks me to read it. Try to cut the scope down and give someone some action. A lot of things happen to Collin yet nobody is doing anything. The only decision made is to visit their hometown and that isn't even the main character, despite the start of sentence implying he made the choice. Give it some action or motion. What does the Knight System ask of Collin or how does it force him to change or how does it help him or what are the drawbacks? You need to give enough that the person reading feels that they have started the story in a meaningful way.

Cut some of the people out, you give too little about them to care about any of them. Seems Helena is important, is she the childhood friend? Cut some details about Collin, we don't need to know his grades or friends. Pick a few important details about Collin, and be honest about them, and stick with that. More you can tie details with other actions the more you can give, but don't stretch them to make them fit.

You could stick with the 'no more tricks in his playbook' line to imply he plays a sport and use those 8 words to give him and action instead. Or if he doesn't have a lot of choices at the start, find who does have a lot of choices and weave them in to give it some motion.

 

[Cookiez_N_Potionz]

Let me try your synopsis as a rewrite:



In summary: You gave too much of the mundane information and didn't focus on the juicy stuff. No one cares about last names in a blurb, unless it's clearly a dramatic bit of the story (such as the long name of a prince or something). His exact age? That can be slipped in later too. Who cares what big city it starts in really? Even if it's important to the story later, it doesn't add to the blurb, and the readers will find out when they read about it in the story.

'Odd' leaves something to be discovered, in what way is she odd? Emo creates too many mental assumptions before we meet her.

And even in slice of life, there's a lot of flavor that can be added. My story has a *lot* of slice of life, though it is in a more exotic setting. Even the reincarnate is a local, not an isekai.

Here's my semi-slice-of-life if you want to see how I have built my story: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1063356/no-need-for-a-core/

That is a pretty interesting rewrite!

I might use it. Is that okay? I can't give you credit

 

[Zagaroth]

Yeah, I have no problems with that.

 

[Cookiez_N_Potionz]

Yeah, I have no problems with that.

So, I took your rewrite and tweaked it. How does this sound?


Synopsis:

5 Systems.
5 Royal families.
Greetings, Championship.

Collin is 17 years-old with a heart of gold and he's the Quarterback on his school's football team. But his easygoing life is flipped upside-down when his older siblings fall into a coma and no one knows why.

With no more tricks in their playbook his parents decide they need to move back to their hometown, to help Collin recover from the emotional shock. At his new school he bumps into a strange girl named Helena and realize their childhood friends. Soon, Collin begins to remember things and then one day he accidentally obtains something called: The Knight System.

But it wasn't an accident...

He was chosen 9 years ago to become a Maverick, a peacemaker between the mortal and supernatural community.

 

[naosu]

Sometimes it helps to sleep on it. You'd be surprised how when you get rested up and more fresh you can come back and see things that you didn't before. :) I think this idea will help you.

 

[Arch9CivilReactor]

Stick with the basics is the advice I’ll give. When you introduce a story element, run with it without adding too much context. Let aspects about it naturally be figured out by the audience. If there’s a guy who gets angry all the time, then make them get angry all the time. Tell me why that has anything to do with anything and I’ll be invested.

If you just throw down the story elements without telling me a story, I’ll be bored.

 

[Deleted member 128077]

This feels like you have two synopsis and just smashed them together.

his folks decide it would be a good idea to visit their hometown. A change of scenery isn't something Collin wanted. Especially, since he doesn't remember his childhood. At his new school he bumps into a Emo-girl named Helena Jaeger and things get unreal when he receives something called: The Knight System. Collin must tackle life as a Maverick while aiding his childhood friend who's hiding a big secret.

This is the only part that feels like it maters.

 

[StoneInky]

Yeah, I'm the one who said the synopsis had problems. I'll take my shot at a rewrite too:

Collin, 17-year-old quarterback, has his easygoing life flipped upside-down when his older siblings fall into a mysterious coma. And after trying the hardest they can, with no more tricks in their playbook, his parents decide they need to move back to their hometown.

A change of scenery isn't something Collin wanted—he doesn't even remember his childhood. But then he bumps into a strange girl named Helena, apparently an old childhood friend.

Soon, Collin begins to remember things. He accidentally obtains something called: The Knight System.

Except it's not an accident...

He was chosen 9 years ago. To become a Maverick, a peacemaker between the mortal and supernatural community.

Eh, hm... I left in the 'older siblings fall into a coma' part, but I think it'll actually be better to leave it out. It's just a background setting. In that case, though, you'll have to add an extra sentence or two and adjust the pacing, lol. Maybe add something about Helena's secret.

Reference this or do whatever you want with it. Or ignore it. Your current synopsis ain't bad either. And I'll take a look at your novel again, lol. ;)

 

[Cookiez_N_Potionz]

Yeah, I'm the one who said the synopsis had problems. I'll take my shot at a rewrite too:




Eh, hm... I left in the 'older siblings fall into a coma' part, but I think it'll actually be better to leave it out. It's just a background setting. In that case, though, you'll have to add an extra sentence or two and adjust the pacing, lol. Maybe add something about Helena's secret.

Reference this or do whatever you want with it. Or ignore it. Your current synopsis ain't bad either. And I'll take a look at your novel again, lol. ;)

Thanks for helping me with this problem!
Thanks everyone!

Your all talented at coming up with a synopsis. This has been a problem for me, putting too much or putting too little information. What's relevant and what's not

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Thanks for helping me with this problem!
Thanks everyone!

Your at talented at coming up with a synopsis. This has been a problem for me, putting too much or putting too little information. What's relevant and what's not

Synopses are WEIRD. Sometimes they stand up, slap you in the face and say: "USE ME DAMMIT!" and the rest of the time they go "eh? you wanted something? Oh, look a squirrel... oh right synopsis? Just write a bit maybe I'll come to you. Wow, that's shiny!"