Help me Rate the Tournament Fighting Scene

[Daeron]

Hi, I need you guys opinion regarding my writing of Tournament Fighting Scene. Is it easy to understand? or which part i should improve?

Here's the fighting scene :

Spoiler

The day arrived. I was warming up with my Sensei’s team for the upcoming match. It was a one-day tournament consisting of four stages: First Round, Quarterfinals, Semifinals, and the Final.

I was a bit bummed that my parents couldn't come because they were still abroad, but I was happy the crew—and Jessica—came to support me. It was hilarious that the boys actually showed up cosplaying as Tekken characters. I could tell the only one who felt embarrassed was Tyson (who looked like a budget King), while Jones and Alvin (Eddie Gordo and Law) were acting like monkeys.

"Kid, remember," Sensei’s voice cut through the noise. "Stay focused. No showboating. Hit, get the point, and retreat (Zanshin). Stay calm."

"Osu!"

My first opponent stepped onto the mat. Same height as me, but built differently—long torso, shorter legs. That was my win condition. I had the reach advantage.

"Kamaete!"

We dropped into our stances. I kept mine loose, bouncing on the balls of my feet.

"Shobu Hajime!"

The fight started. He was aggressive, rushing in to jam me up with punches. I waited, watching the distance close. Just as he committed to a lunging punch, I slid to the right—a sharp side-step—and fired a side kick into his open ribs. Thwack.

"Yame!"

The referee stepped in. Waza-ari. Two points. Easy.

We reset. "Hajime!"

He was smarter now. He circled, keeping his guard high. No punches. But then I saw it—a subtle twitch in his right calf, his weight shifting back. He was winding up for a front kick to push me away.

I didn't retreat. I leaned into my lead leg, using it as a pivot point. Before his foot could leave the floor, my left leg whipped around in a high arc. A roundhouse kick. My foot pad tapped his cheek guard with surgical precision.

"Yame!"

Ippon. Three points. The score was 5-0. I glanced at Sensei. He didn't smile. He just held up three fingers and slashed the air. Finish it. If I got an 8-point lead, the match ended early.

We reset. The opponent was rattled now. His breathing was heavy, his eyes darting around. He was desperate.

"Hajime!"

He charged, abandoning technique for raw speed, swinging a wild fist. I floated back, creating the perfect gap, and snapped a high kick toward his head. My foot made light contact with the side of his neck—a perfectly controlled scoring blow.

Suddenly, he crumpled. He clutched his throat, wheezing, putting on an Oscar-worthy performance.

Shit. My stomach dropped. If the referee bought the act, that was a Category 2 penalty for excessive contact. I could be disqualified right here.

"Yame!"

The referee looked at the groaning boy, then looked at me. He paused. He knew the difference between a hit and a tap.

He raised his hand toward my side. "Aka, Ippon!"

Relief washed over me. The ref knew he was faking. That was 3 points. Total score: 8-0. Technical Victory.

I bowed out, keeping my face stoic, and walked back to the coach's corner. In the stands, the "Tekken" crew was going wild.

"Sit. And breathe slowly. Don’t get too excited!" Sensei ordered me sternly.

"Osu." I sat down and controlled my breathing. Sensei was right. If I got too excited, it would only lead to mistakes later. I still had three matches to go to become the champion.

 

[Eldoria]

Well, if you ask me if this fight scene is clear, yes it is.

But if you ask me if this fight scene impressed me? My short answer is NO.

This fight scene is more like a karate tutorial I saw on YouTube than a tense and suspenseful karate movie. Why?

Because your fight scene focuses more on the opponent's movements technically and in detail... instead of the fast-paced, tense fighting movements. In the real world... it's very difficult to describe an opponent's movements while you're fighting.

The problem is, you're using the first POV, which should emphasize the subjective experience of the character connected directly to the reader through "I am" as the active subject.

However, your narrative predominantly describes the protagonist as an observer explaining the opponent's movements.

As a reader, I could tolerate this narrative if the protagonist acted as a commentator on the match. However, your narrative places the protagonist as a fighter in the arena. So, this makes immersion flat. The solution?

Instead of explaining the opponent's movements technically and in detail... you can show the opponent's actions and their impact. Narrate a cinematic action scene. Show the psychological and physical impact caused by the opponent's movements.

You can do it in the following order:

Action -> reaction -> effect/impact.

For example, the enemy strikes forward (action). The protagonist blocks with his left arm (reaction). The effect is that he feels his arm ache as if his bones are creaking (effect).

Or vice versa... the protagonist strikes the opponent's stomach (action). The opponent is knocked back two steps (reaction). The opponent groans, holding his stomach (effect).

With this narrative, your fight scene will be more intense and tense.

Additionally, you can use short sentences to describe the voices of the protagonist and the opponent. Avoid long sentences that will diminish the tension.

Focus on the tension of the fight rather than busy describing the opponent's movements. Make the reader feel the tension along with your character.

As a side note, your narrative still uses direct emotions several times (e.g., I was a bit bummed, the opponent was rattled now, etc)... instead of subtle emotions through sensory sensations and body language (e.g., dim eyes, short breaths, trembling fingers, etc).

If you want to make the reader feel more deeply, you should consider writing subtle emotions, especially during dramatic moments.

Finally, I've provided an example of my fight scene, you can compare my fight scene to your narrative and gauge how the reader's impression differs? Please read this chapter.

I hope this little bit of feedback helps you (or maybe not).

Regards.

Critical Note:
I always position myself as a causal reader. I usually only read once (this time twice) to gauge immersion.

Some details may be missed, and my judgment may be biased.

 

[K_Nishi]

I think this fight scene is very realistic and easy to follow. The movements, timing, and rule handling all feel authentic, which is a real strength of the scene.

That said, you might want to decide how much detail to include based on how important this match is to the overall story. If this is a minor opponent or an early tournament round, shortening the scene could help keep the pacing smooth. On the other hand, if this match is meant to highlight the protagonist’s fighting style, mindset, or future themes, then the level of detail you use here works very well.

Overall, the realism is solid, so adjusting the amount of detail to match the narrative importance of the fight may make the scene even stronger.

 

[SenseiHusky]

Well, if you ask me if this fight scene is clear, yes it is.

But if you ask me if this fight scene impressed me? My short answer is NO.

This fight scene is more like a karate tutorial I saw on YouTube than a tense and suspenseful karate movie. Why?

Because your fight scene focuses more on the opponent's movements technically and in detail... instead of the fast-paced, tense fighting movements. In the real world... it's very difficult to describe an opponent's movements while you're fighting.

The problem is, you're using the first POV, which should emphasize the subjective experience of the character connected directly to the reader through "I am" as the active subject.

However, your narrative predominantly describes the protagonist as an observer explaining the opponent's movements.

As a reader, I could tolerate this narrative if the protagonist acted as a commentator on the match. However, your narrative places the protagonist as a fighter in the arena. So, this makes immersion flat. The solution?

Instead of explaining the opponent's movements technically and in detail... you can show the opponent's actions and their impact. Narrate a cinematic action scene. Show the psychological and physical impact caused by the opponent's movements.

You can do it in the following order:

For example, the enemy strikes forward (action). The protagonist blocks with his left arm (reaction). The effect is that he feels his arm ache as if his bones are creaking (effect).

Or vice versa... the protagonist strikes the opponent's stomach (action). The opponent is knocked back two steps (reaction). The opponent groans, holding his stomach (effect).

With this narrative, your fight scene will be more intense and tense.

Additionally, you can use short sentences to describe the voices of the protagonist and the opponent. Avoid long sentences that will diminish the tension.

Focus on the tension of the fight rather than busy describing the opponent's movements. Make the reader feel the tension along with your character.

As a side note, your narrative still uses direct emotions several times (e.g., I was a bit bummed, the opponent was rattled now, etc)... instead of subtle emotions through sensory sensations and body language (e.g., dim eyes, short breaths, trembling fingers, etc).

If you want to make the reader feel more deeply, you should consider writing subtle emotions, especially during dramatic moments.

Finally, I've provided an example of my fight scene, you can compare my fight scene to your narrative and gauge how the reader's impression differs? Please read this chapter.

I hope this little bit of feedback helps you (or maybe not).

Regards.

Critical Note:
I always position myself as a causal reader. I usually only read once (this time twice) to gauge immersion.

Some details may be missed, and my judgment may be biased.

Can you check out my story https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2154417/arc---the-blue-dragon/
And rate it

 

[Daeron]

Well, if you ask me if this fight scene is clear, yes it is.

But if you ask me if this fight scene impressed me? My short answer is NO.

This fight scene is more like a karate tutorial I saw on YouTube than a tense and suspenseful karate movie. Why?

Because your fight scene focuses more on the opponent's movements technically and in detail... instead of the fast-paced, tense fighting movements. In the real world... it's very difficult to describe an opponent's movements while you're fighting.

The problem is, you're using the first POV, which should emphasize the subjective experience of the character connected directly to the reader through "I am" as the active subject.

However, your narrative predominantly describes the protagonist as an observer explaining the opponent's movements.

As a reader, I could tolerate this narrative if the protagonist acted as a commentator on the match. However, your narrative places the protagonist as a fighter in the arena. So, this makes immersion flat. The solution?

Instead of explaining the opponent's movements technically and in detail... you can show the opponent's actions and their impact. Narrate a cinematic action scene. Show the psychological and physical impact caused by the opponent's movements.

You can do it in the following order:

For example, the enemy strikes forward (action). The protagonist blocks with his left arm (reaction). The effect is that he feels his arm ache as if his bones are creaking (effect).

Or vice versa... the protagonist strikes the opponent's stomach (action). The opponent is knocked back two steps (reaction). The opponent groans, holding his stomach (effect).

With this narrative, your fight scene will be more intense and tense.

Additionally, you can use short sentences to describe the voices of the protagonist and the opponent. Avoid long sentences that will diminish the tension.

Focus on the tension of the fight rather than busy describing the opponent's movements. Make the reader feel the tension along with your character.

As a side note, your narrative still uses direct emotions several times (e.g., I was a bit bummed, the opponent was rattled now, etc)... instead of subtle emotions through sensory sensations and body language (e.g., dim eyes, short breaths, trembling fingers, etc).

If you want to make the reader feel more deeply, you should consider writing subtle emotions, especially during dramatic moments.

Finally, I've provided an example of my fight scene, you can compare my fight scene to your narrative and gauge how the reader's impression differs? Please read this chapter.

I hope this little bit of feedback helps you (or maybe not).

Regards.

Critical Note:
I always position myself as a causal reader. I usually only read once (this time twice) to gauge immersion.

Some details may be missed, and my judgment may be biased.

Ah I see, if i want to use First POV, i should focus more on "what i feel" yes? Interesting, i didn't think about it.

I think this fight scene is very realistic and easy to follow. The movements, timing, and rule handling all feel authentic, which is a real strength of the scene.

That said, you might want to decide how much detail to include based on how important this match is to the overall story. If this is a minor opponent or an early tournament round, shortening the scene could help keep the pacing smooth. On the other hand, if this match is meant to highlight the protagonist’s fighting style, mindset, or future themes, then the level of detail you use here works very well.

Overall, the realism is solid, so adjusting the amount of detail to match the narrative importance of the fight may make the scene even stronger.

Thank you, you hit the point where i want to point it out the MC fighting style and mindset, it will explain more later on about his psychological side when his current style and mindset hit the wall.

I was not sure, if the detail is excessive or not.

 

[Eldoria]

Ah I see, if i want to use First POV, i should focus more on "what i feel" yes? Interesting, i didn't think about it.

Thank you, you hit the point where i want to point it out the MC fighting style and mindset, it will explain more later on about his psychological side when his current style and mindset hit the wall.

I was not sure, if the detail is excessive or not.

Exactly. In the literary world... this technique is called Deep POV (usually used in first or limited third POV) to immerse the reader in the character. You can Google it and learn more about it.

 

[Daeron]

Exactly. In the literary world... this technique is called Deep POV (usually used in first or limited third POV) to immerse the reader in the character. You can Google it and learn more about it.

Thank you so much, i'll learn more about it