Got 10 Minutes? I’d Love Your Feedback

[Bane89]

Hello, I’d really appreciate it if you could take a few moments to check out my story. The first few chapters are pretty short, so if you have around ten minutes, I’d love to hear your thoughts on however far you get. Even knowing where you lose interest is helpful.

Any feedback is welcome, but if you’re looking for specifics, here are a few areas I’m especially curious about:

• Characterization
• Show vs. tell
• Worldbuilding
• Whether side characters feel flat or like real people
• What (if anything) draws you in

Thanks in advance to anyone who gives it a look.

In The Seals Shadow

Liriel was raised to be the perfect daughter of a noble house: polished, obedient, and loyal to the traditions that kept her family in power. But when the ancient ritual she was meant to uphold collapses, everything she was taught to believe starts to fall apart, and her family’s...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Worthy39]

Unfortunately, I only had nine minutes, so I have no feedback for you.

 

[Bane89]

Unfortunately, I only had nine minutes, so I have no feedback for you.

lol, well nothing can be done then. Should you find an extra minute later the offer will stand.

 

[BeezussWrites]

Read through it and I'll just give you a brief touch on each of your points:

• Characterization - Obviously the strongest aspect. Not much to say beyond the fact that I not only enjoyed most of the main cast, but they all seemed like completely unique people (especially Vaeroth).
  
  
  
• Show vs. tell - Now onto the weakest aspect of your story. You often write a line of dialogue that conveys an emotion, then describe the emotion, and then finally state what that emotion clearly was. Like here: “That’s why they attacked, to free you!" My words snap sharper than I intend, irritation boiling at his uncaring attitude." The dialogue showed she was angry, the snap showed her delivery in an upset way, and then boiling over just blatantly stated it.
  
  
• WorldBuilding - Not much really to say about this. We get a very familiar human/elf tension story line, which is completely fine, but not really a world I can immerse myself in alone. We get the main character's way of interacting, and how she seems intelligent, yet also naive at the same time (very apparent in the way she didn't realize that the merchant was afraid of her and not Vaeroth). Is it a strength? I don't think I'd say so. I want more small details such as seeing weird things the small folk are eating that would be culturally unique to their place/status in society. Was it a weakness? Definitely not, and I honestly think the next chapter or two with the trial is going to give me a better idea of what the world we're reading about is.
  
  
  
• Whether side characters feel flat or like real people - You care a lot about making us care about side characters, and it really shows in most of what you've written. My favorite part of the entire story so far was the detail about the guard drawing on the wall, feeling embarrassed, and then immediately shifting into him trying to kill her. This inconsistent way of writing characters is exactly what makes them human, and not one-dimensional tropes. So again, another a+.
  
  
  
• What (if anything) draws you in - I'll give you two things. What drew me in was the characters, and I think you should be proud of that. And as for what turned me off a bit, it was the pacing. I was at 11k words and two legitimately major events happened with the seal breaking and the guard attack. But these are given way less presence on the page overall compared to everything else around them, and I feel like they deserved to be given more weight. Such as when the main character had her breakdown. She felt like she shrugged it off almost instantly when she went to the library, and it felt a bit too abrupt.
  
  I enjoyed the story quite a bit, honestly, and if you keep the pace as it is, I'll continue to read anyways. Your strengths far outweigh my usual preferences as a reader, and I'm more than happy to continue reading a slow burn, character driven book. Just know, if you somehow make the mom and Vaeroth have romantic feelings for each other at some point, I will have to restrain myself from sending you death threats.

 

[Bane89]

Read through it and I'll just give you a brief touch on each of your points:

• Characterization - Obviously the strongest aspect. Not much to say beyond the fact that I not only enjoyed most of the main cast, but they all seemed like completely unique people (especially Vaeroth).
  
  
  
• Show vs. tell - Now onto the weakest aspect of your story. You often write a line of dialogue that conveys an emotion, then describe the emotion, and then finally state what that emotion clearly was. Like here: “That’s why they attacked, to free you!" My words snap sharper than I intend, irritation boiling at his uncaring attitude." The dialogue showed she was angry, the snap showed her delivery in an upset way, and then boiling over just blatantly stated it.
  
  
• WorldBuilding - Not much really to say about this. We get a very familiar human/elf tension story line, which is completely fine, but not really a world I can immerse myself in alone. We get the main character's way of interacting, and how she seems intelligent, yet also naive at the same time (very apparent in the way she didn't realize that the merchant was afraid of her and not Vaeroth). Is it a strength? I don't think I'd say so. I want more small details such as seeing weird things the small folk are eating that would be culturally unique to their place/status in society. Was it a weakness? Definitely not, and I honestly think the next chapter or two with the trial is going to give me a better idea of what the world we're reading about is.
  
  
  
• Whether side characters feel flat or like real people - You care a lot about making us care about side characters, and it really shows in most of what you've written. My favorite part of the entire story so far was the detail about the guard drawing on the wall, feeling embarrassed, and then immediately shifting into him trying to kill her. This inconsistent way of writing characters is exactly what makes them human, and not one-dimensional tropes. So again, another a+.
  
  
  
• What (if anything) draws you in - I'll give you two things. What drew me in was the characters, and I think you should be proud of that. And as for what turned me off a bit, it was the pacing. I was at 11k words and two legitimately major events happened with the seal breaking and the guard attack. But these are given way less presence on the page overall compared to everything else around them, and I feel like they deserved to be given more weight. Such as when the main character had her breakdown. She felt like she shrugged it off almost instantly when she went to the library, and it felt a bit too abrupt.
  
  I enjoyed the story quite a bit, honestly, and if you keep the pace as it is, I'll continue to read anyways. Your strengths far outweigh my usual preferences as a reader, and I'm more than happy to continue reading a slow burn, character driven book. Just know, if you somehow make the mom and Vaeroth have romantic feelings for each other at some point, I will have to restrain myself from sending you death threats.

Hello, thank you so much for taking the time to read through my story, I really appreciate the detailed feedback.

I’m glad the characters landed with you. I’ll definitely take another look at the show vs. tell balance when I revise; thanks for pointing out that pattern. As for the worldbuilding, you’re right that it’s filtered through Liriel’s perspective, and she’s still pretty naïve about her own society. I’m hoping that as her worldview shifts, the world around her will start to feel more textured as well. It’s always helpful to hear how it reads from the outside, since I’m sitting here with the whole plot and setting in my head.

Your point about giving the major events more weight is fair, those will be good areas to expand during revisions.

And as for Vaeroth and the mother… I make no promises. Who am I to stand in the way of true love? lol

 

[Eldoria]

My little suggestion: You can narrate the dialogue more naturally by minimizing dialogue tags (explanations related to the context of the dialogue) and filter words such as I said, asked mom, etc.

You can utilize the character's unique voice, body language, and visual anchors as dialogue markers.

For example, instead of narrating:

"Who is he?" I asked confusedly.

"He's a hero, honey," my mother explained.

You can narrate the dialogue more naturally:

"Mom... who is he?" My hand held my chin.

Mom smiled, "He's a hero, honey."

You don't need to use: I said, Mom said, Dad explained; if your narrative already includes addressees "Mom...", "Dad...", etc. in the dialogue. By addressing mom, the narrative automatically implies the protagonist is talking to her.

Or you can utilize visual anchors to indicate dialogue markers. For example:

I looked at Mom, "Who is he?"

Mom smiled, "He's a hero, honey."

This way, your dialogue will feel more alive.

In addition, your narrative also still tells character's emotions rather than showing the character's emotions. Well, because the narrative uses first POV, there is a little tolerance.

But if you want a more immersive scene, allowing the reader to feel the character's emotions, not just know emotions, then you can show emotions through body language, actions, psychological reactions, and atmosphere.

As in the previous example, instead of telling, I asked confusedly; you can show confusion through body language, such as touching your chin, ruffling your hair, or even psychological reactions like feeling dizzy.

Well, that's a little feedback from me.

Regards.