Try mine, I have to warn you, they are not good(narrative-wise). Also, skip the prologue. It is in my signature.
Giving feedback based on the first 3 chapters of your story(closed)
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DismaiNaim
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Looks like you have enough already, but here's mine.
www.scribblehub.com
A Place To Bloom
Caleb of Gath wants nothing more than to climb mountains, hunt in the forest, and chase girls around the village, until he's called to war. He's never held a sword. As the truth unfolds, he must sacrifice everything he thought he knew about the world and grapple with the darkness...
Villager_A
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oki! I read it. Only read 3 chapters that is arc 1.
ok so I'll be honest! It got me fired up. I was hyped cause the plot and storyline sounded amazing. The mc, introduced as the unlucky... perhaps the unluckiest guy in the world trying to woo his lady love sounded like cherry on top deal except that while reading, I found mc to be very contradictory.
Are you trying to pass him as your average unlucky guy in a coming of age story? Or one of those cool guys in the anime or a simp for melissa.
After reading 3 chapters, I still don't get what he likes about the female lead? He said he was wary of how perfect she was, and then found out that she's keeping a mask of politeness for people... and then after that, he quickly develops a crush as they started talking more. Seemed really hasty cause the reader has no idea of their interactions much. How things developed as they were.
Now coming to the female lead, Melissa, she's a whole another pandora box! She fits every stereotype list of a common romantic based female lead. She's perfect, popular, people like her... but that's all a mask and that she often nags and rants about others to mc. Which is not bad, but then it's rarely depicted. Her clashing personality is just treated as a means for mc to get acquainted with her and that's it. It makes her really bland. It feels as if her traits were only giving to her so that she can highlight the mc's own self. It's a bit disappointing that someone that could become equally important is just restricted so much.
I really like how every 3 chapters form a arc. The story premise was amazing and I love a good coming of age story.
That said... sorry! If I might sound a bit harsh...
Thanks for taking the time to read all the three chapters! Let me address your concerns a bit because your feedback is very useful.
What do I want him to be? It was really hard writing the synopsis because the story, while short at only around 15 chapters, is a slow burn. But the idea is that Barry is a person who is cursed beyond belief but doesn't let that define him. He decides against using bills to minimize losses. In another arc, he anticipates getting his umbrella stolen so he always has a smaller spare in his locker. So the usual slapstick of "oh no I overslept!" is not his flavor of bad luck, it's much worse. But despite that, he will cope using comedy, self-deprecation without being depressing, and will never be bitter about the world.
And yet at the start the monologue is him saying that timing is indeed everything before proceeding to tell his story. The idea here is, between being the right person and just having the right moment, he says it's the latter, and is using the story to convince you. But at the end of arc 1, when he finds out about Melissa and Richard becoming a couple, he's shocked but not broken, meaning that's not the point I'm alluding to.
The other thing that only gets apparent later on is that his values of kindness never change. But I can't show that yet in chapter 1. I'll get to that later.
As for Melissa: Many people make this misunderstanding especially when they don't see the first sentence of arc 2, but Melissa isn't the main lead. The moment you click on chapter 2-1 it opens with "In my final year of middle school, Melissa and Richard broke up." And then I introduce a new girl with new dynamics with Barry. The other girls (yes, girls because each arc has a different one. But since I advance Barry's age per arc I only have a limited amount of time) are more "compelling" and the bad luck strikes get more and more harsh and tragic, but because of that I needed Melissa to be the most shallow one because of the escalation. My sorry defense for it is that dude is only in middle school, so you can excuse it. But the older he gets and the more the reader reads, I do need to raise the stakes and that's where the real pressure lies. I do think I somewhat pull it off though, but that's also why I'm asking for feedback. I'll go look at the Melissa arc and see where else I can tighten things up for her.
The thing I don't show in arc 1 but do later on is, while the tragedy there was Barry being at the wrong place at the wrong time and messing around with his dog, later on it's his kindness that becomes his undoing. And he figures it out but does it anyway. And that's what I'm building him up towards. And that kindness comes with consequences which is why I alluded to a defeated protagonist telling his story from some point in the future. I kind of structurally had to do a more tame version in the first arc so that it hits harder as things escalate, and that's why the slow burn also risks me requiring the reader to basically "trust me, bro."
I've finished posting chapter 2-3 so I now have two arcs available. If you're too busy, then thank you for reading arc 1. But if you have time and are so inclined, I'd be really glad if you continue looking over my MC, especially since he's quite different in arc 2. Each arc doesn't just change girls, even Barry changes significantly to show the passage of time.
What do I want him to be? It was really hard writing the synopsis because the story, while short at only around 15 chapters, is a slow burn. But the idea is that Barry is a person who is cursed beyond belief but doesn't let that define him. He decides against using bills to minimize losses. In another arc, he anticipates getting his umbrella stolen so he always has a smaller spare in his locker. So the usual slapstick of "oh no I overslept!" is not his flavor of bad luck, it's much worse. But despite that, he will cope using comedy, self-deprecation without being depressing, and will never be bitter about the world.
And yet at the start the monologue is him saying that timing is indeed everything before proceeding to tell his story. The idea here is, between being the right person and just having the right moment, he says it's the latter, and is using the story to convince you. But at the end of arc 1, when he finds out about Melissa and Richard becoming a couple, he's shocked but not broken, meaning that's not the point I'm alluding to.
The other thing that only gets apparent later on is that his values of kindness never change. But I can't show that yet in chapter 1. I'll get to that later.
As for Melissa: Many people make this misunderstanding especially when they don't see the first sentence of arc 2, but Melissa isn't the main lead. The moment you click on chapter 2-1 it opens with "In my final year of middle school, Melissa and Richard broke up." And then I introduce a new girl with new dynamics with Barry. The other girls (yes, girls because each arc has a different one. But since I advance Barry's age per arc I only have a limited amount of time) are more "compelling" and the bad luck strikes get more and more harsh and tragic, but because of that I needed Melissa to be the most shallow one because of the escalation. My sorry defense for it is that dude is only in middle school, so you can excuse it. But the older he gets and the more the reader reads, I do need to raise the stakes and that's where the real pressure lies. I do think I somewhat pull it off though, but that's also why I'm asking for feedback. I'll go look at the Melissa arc and see where else I can tighten things up for her.
The thing I don't show in arc 1 but do later on is, while the tragedy there was Barry being at the wrong place at the wrong time and messing around with his dog, later on it's his kindness that becomes his undoing. And he figures it out but does it anyway. And that's what I'm building him up towards. And that kindness comes with consequences which is why I alluded to a defeated protagonist telling his story from some point in the future. I kind of structurally had to do a more tame version in the first arc so that it hits harder as things escalate, and that's why the slow burn also risks me requiring the reader to basically "trust me, bro."
I've finished posting chapter 2-3 so I now have two arcs available. If you're too busy, then thank you for reading arc 1. But if you have time and are so inclined, I'd be really glad if you continue looking over my MC, especially since he's quite different in arc 2. Each arc doesn't just change girls, even Barry changes significantly to show the passage of time.
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