Gimme your delicious feedback

[BRG]

I just posted my first chapter and I'd like to know your first impression. Is called Bellamira and the Enchanted Island and is a coming of age story about a girl raised in an island inhabited by magical creatures from the Iberian Peninsula and her three friends (three of those creatures).

Mourania’s Fairy Tales

Long ago, in the Faraway Lands, stood the kingdom of Mourania. In it was found the Mage's Academy that sought to educate young magic users in how to use their powers for the good of the kingdom. Amongts them, a group catched the eye: an enthusiastic girl who spoke the...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Deleted member 45782]

I just posted my first chapter and I'd like to know your first impression. Is called Bellamira and the Enchanted Island and is a coming of age story about a girl raised in an island inhabited by magical creatures from the Iberian Peninsula and her three friends (three of those creatures).

Mourania’s Fairy Tales

Long ago, in the Faraway Lands, stood the kingdom of Mourania. In it was found the Mage's Academy that sought to educate young magic users in how to use their powers for the good of the kingdom. Amongts them, a group catched the eye: an enthusiastic girl who spoke the...

www.scribblehub.com

Bookmarked to read later.

 

[BRG]

Bookmarked to read later.

Thanks!

 

[Deleted member 45782]

Sorry for not responding a lot earlier. This thread got buried under my list of Bookmarks. I think the story was off to an intriguing start. However, there were time skips that were sudden without any indication. Also, at the beginning you mentioned more details in that setting stage but as the story progressed, each stage/time skip had less details so it feels like the story is being rushed to reach to a point, but it is not as smooth.

It may be better in the future to click on the three dots next to the table, and click on insert horizontal line. That way it indicates a new section or a timeskip of things and events.

Story overall was very interesting. For me I liked reading it since it was a fantasy story. You have a nice way of writing things. :)

 

[Reisinling]

My thoughts:
1. It needs more.. order? What I assume to be a few days of timeskips or even a few hours could be organised better visually, to make it more obvious. I would maybe also try to expand on each emotion with 1 more sentence. This type of writing would work better in manga (you could make it 1 panel with cute illustration for each mood/event) but in writing it seems harder to be so conciese.

"Is not any umbrella thought. Try to pull from the handle." - should be though and ,I assume pull the handle

2. To expand on previous point- expand more on time skips., and maybe dragons emotions when talking to his/her daughter. It's a bit dry at the moment.