General Feedback

PensandKeys

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Nov 10, 2024
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Salutations, I have always been a fan of general feedback. Please share your thoughts.

~Pens&Keys


“Hello St. Vincent.”

“Hello Sir Godric.” Laughing, he drew the attention of several guest. I could see the same question burning in their brains. “How do they know each other?” Vampires rarely associate with others outside of our kind. And once you have been alive for as many centuries as my father. Well let’s just say it’s hard to care about the perseveration of any other race. “You may call me Godric. Formalities are not wanted.”

“Not here, not in this setting.” Leaning to whisper in my ear he asked, “Why not?”

“Because, if you aren’t a “Sir” or “Madame or “Mistress” you are prey. Are you prey Godric?”

“I could be if the hunter is worthy. Are you worthy St. Vincent?” For a moment his frosted silver eyes lit up with amusement. Happy I could entertain him. “I still have one question left, may I ask it now?”

Cocking his head to the side, he replied. “You asked your three questions. The last being “May I call you on Monday night.” Turning to face him. I couldn’t believe he would hold that question against me.

“You can’t be serious Godric I had to go. I was attempting to be polite by asking. Unlike yourself who most likely charmed your way to getting my phone number and calling without asking.”

“Politeness in the wrong setting is rather dull. No charming was required from my part. Elloren was rather cooperative.” Rolling my eyes I needed to look anywhere but up and at him. Apparently, he did not feel the same. I could feel his gaze on me. Observing me, drinking in my movements. Shaking my head was my attempt at trying to keep Elloren’s mother words from repeating again. “You have captured the heart of a Victorian.”

“Was she rested when you spoke to her?” I asked attempting to alter the conversation.

“Non.” Sighing at his response, I realized Ethan was watching us from the second entrance into the room. Unfortunately, so did Godric.

“Who is he?” Pointing directly at Ethan, Godric smiled at him. Ethan too fearful of us both did not smile back. He simply looked down. “Shy?”

“Subservient.”

“To whom?”

“His master.”

“You own a slave?”

“He is not a slave. He may leave whenever he likes.” Placing a lock of his hair behind his ear, Godric starred at Ethan. “Are you connected to him physically?” Removing my eyes from Ethan back to Godric I watched his face. More than that, I watched him watch Ethan.

“Are you asking if I have sex with Ethan?”

“Oui”

“Oui” Though is face did not change, the elegance in is grace did. His classical jawline clinched. Momentarily. Sliding his eyes from Ethan, Godric looked down at me. “If I catch him, can I have you both?” Blinking at his question I would have stammered backwards if I could move. What did he mean both? Bisexual both, one at time both, or both at the same time both? “I..I..I..” I shut my mouth trapping all my I’s in the back of my throat. “I don’t know, if that’s in the rule book.”

With his elegant grace returned and a lean downwards. Godric whispered what would be the foundation of our future in my ear. “If you set the rules I will follow them.”

Unfazed by this entire conversation, he smiled at me. It was one of those smiles you knew would lead to something dangerous. But when an actual God gives you that smile you also knew the dangerous parts would come from you.
 

BLIGHT_ZERO

BLIGHT!
Joined
Aug 16, 2024
Messages
339
Points
108
Salutations, I have always been a fan of general feedback. Please share your thoughts.

~Pens&Keys


“Hello St. Vincent.”

“Hello Sir Godric.” Laughing, he drew the attention of several guest. I could see the same question burning in their brains. “How do they know each other?” Vampires rarely associate with others outside of our kind. And once you have been alive for as many centuries as my father. Well let’s just say it’s hard to care about the perseveration of any other race. “You may call me Godric. Formalities are not wanted.”

“Not here, not in this setting.” Leaning to whisper in my ear he asked, “Why not?”

“Because, if you aren’t a “Sir” or “Madame or “Mistress” you are prey. Are you prey Godric?”

“I could be if the hunter is worthy. Are you worthy St. Vincent?” For a moment his frosted silver eyes lit up with amusement. Happy I could entertain him. “I still have one question left, may I ask it now?”

Cocking his head to the side, he replied. “You asked your three questions. The last being “May I call you on Monday night.” Turning to face him. I couldn’t believe he would hold that question against me.

“You can’t be serious Godric I had to go. I was attempting to be polite by asking. Unlike yourself who most likely charmed your way to getting my phone number and calling without asking.”

“Politeness in the wrong setting is rather dull. No charming was required from my part. Elloren was rather cooperative.” Rolling my eyes I needed to look anywhere but up and at him. Apparently, he did not feel the same. I could feel his gaze on me. Observing me, drinking in my movements. Shaking my head was my attempt at trying to keep Elloren’s mother words from repeating again. “You have captured the heart of a Victorian.”

“Was she rested when you spoke to her?” I asked attempting to alter the conversation.

“Non.” Sighing at his response, I realized Ethan was watching us from the second entrance into the room. Unfortunately, so did Godric.

“Who is he?” Pointing directly at Ethan, Godric smiled at him. Ethan too fearful of us both did not smile back. He simply looked down. “Shy?”

“Subservient.”

“To whom?”

“His master.”

“You own a slave?”

“He is not a slave. He may leave whenever he likes.” Placing a lock of his hair behind his ear, Godric starred at Ethan. “Are you connected to him physically?” Removing my eyes from Ethan back to Godric I watched his face. More than that, I watched him watch Ethan.

“Are you asking if I have sex with Ethan?”

“Oui”

“Oui” Though is face did not change, the elegance in is grace did. His classical jawline clinched. Momentarily. Sliding his eyes from Ethan, Godric looked down at me. “If I catch him, can I have you both?” Blinking at his question I would have stammered backwards if I could move. What did he mean both? Bisexual both, one at time both, or both at the same time both? “I..I..I..” I shut my mouth trapping all my I’s in the back of my throat. “I don’t know, if that’s in the rule book.”

With his elegant grace returned and a lean downwards. Godric whispered what would be the foundation of our future in my ear. “If you set the rules I will follow them.”

Unfazed by this entire conversation, he smiled at me. It was one of those smiles you knew would lead to something dangerous. But when an actual God gives you that smile you also knew the dangerous parts would come from you.
link to the actual story itself don't just drop an entire chapter here lol.
 

PensandKeys

New member
Joined
Nov 10, 2024
Messages
18
Points
3
link to the actual story itself don't just drop an entire chapter here lol.
Oo its not the entire chapter, just a part I enjoyed writing.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1297049/alucard-st-vincent/
Feels like either Castlevania or Vampire Hunter D fan fiction?
Alucard has always been a favorite of mines from Castlevania and Hellsing. I have never seen Vampire Hunter D.
i'm confused on which character is speaking though.

Fair point.
 

SwallowForm

Active member
Joined
Nov 8, 2024
Messages
46
Points
33
Very confusing. I needed to reread it three times to understand who was talking and when the dialogue started and stopped. You need to separate your paragraphs when you move to another character's dialogue or actions, and you also need to separate the dialogue and exposition better.

Don't do this
"I like to suck dick," Bobs said. Vegana's eyes lit up in surprise. He thought it was weird that Bobs liked to suck dick. "Why do you like sucking dick?" Bobs smiled in response. "Don't you know I'm a three-time world champion cocksucker?"
Do this
"I like to suck dick," Bobs said.

Vegana's eyes lit up in surprise. He thought it was weird that Bobs liked to suck dick.

"Why do you like sucking dick?"

Bobs smiled in response. "Don't you know I'm a three-time world champion cocksucker?"

When someone's dialogue includes a quotation, you need to use single quotation marks. Additionally there's other grammatical and spelling issues, including incomplete sentences, which impede clarity.

PS don't use this as your story's synopsis. A passage from a chapter doesn't introduce to the reader what the story is.
 

BLIGHT_ZERO

BLIGHT!
Joined
Aug 16, 2024
Messages
339
Points
108
Very confusing. I needed to reread it three times to understand who was talking and when the dialogue started and stopped. You need to separate your paragraphs when you move to another character's dialogue or actions, and you also need to separate the dialogue and exposition better.

Don't do this

Do this


When someone's dialogue includes a quotation, you need to use single quotation marks. Additionally there's other grammatical and spelling issues, including incomplete sentences, which impede clarity.

PS don't use this as your story's synopsis. A passage from a chapter doesn't introduce to the reader what the story is.
make bob burst into song at the prospect of the yougin who doesn't know the joy of bjs
 

SwallowForm

Active member
Joined
Nov 8, 2024
Messages
46
Points
33
make bob burst into song at the prospect of the yougin who doesn't know the joy of bjs
Bobs elatedly fellated his inflated ego by singing the Ballad of the BJ, a long list of his explicit exploits in the form of a song.

Unfortunately DJ BJ's level of tone-deaf qualified as unsolicited earrape. If you told ten people this was the cry of a banshee, nine would have believed you and the remaining one wouldn't have heard what you said because their ears bled out.
 

PensandKeys

New member
Joined
Nov 10, 2024
Messages
18
Points
3
Very confusing. I needed to reread it three times to understand who was talking and when the dialogue started and stopped. You need to separate your paragraphs when you move to another character's dialogue or actions, and you also need to separate the dialogue and exposition better.

Don't do this

Do this


When someone's dialogue includes a quotation, you need to use single quotation marks. Additionally there's other grammatical and spelling issues, including incomplete sentences, which impede clarity.
Very confusing. I needed to reread it three times to understand who was talking and when the dialogue started and stopped. You need to separate your paragraphs when you move to another character's dialogue or actions, and you also need to separate the dialogue and exposition better.

Don't do this

Do this


When someone's dialogue includes a quotation, you need to use single quotation marks. Additionally there's other grammatical and spelling issues, including incomplete sentences, which impede clarity.

PS don't use this as your story's synopsis. A passage from a chapter doesn't introduce to the reader what the story is.
This is very impactful. Thank you
PS don't use this as your story's synopsis. A passage from a chapter doesn't introduce to the reader what the story is.
Feels like either Castlevania or Vampire Hunter D fan fiction?

Loved Alucard from Castlevania as well as the Hellsing version. Haven't watched Vampire D Hunter yet.
 
Last edited:

CharlesEBrown

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 23, 2024
Messages
4,603
Points
158
Loved Alucard from Castlevania as well as the Hellsing version. Haven't watched Vampire D Hunter yet.
Never seen Hellsing myself. Saw the first Vampire Hunter D movie but never saw the series either. The name was actually taken from the movie Son of Dracula, IIRC - though it has been used several times since, even in a comedy series called "Doctor Doctor" in the 80s.
 

PensandKeys

New member
Joined
Nov 10, 2024
Messages
18
Points
3
Never seen Hellsing myself. Saw the first Vampire Hunter D movie but never saw the series either. The name was actually taken from the movie Son of Dracula, IIRC - though it has been used several times since, even in a comedy series called "Doctor Doctor" in the 80s.

That's very interesting. I do love a good vampire movie. I will most certainly check it out!.
 
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