//Cute and funny 4chan girls expose conspiracies.// Serial Channer Madison Delaroux and conspiracy-denier Ayano Sane are back! Glowies, culties and jannies beware! ESPECIALLY! That giga-glowie who calls herself [La Monarquía]! STOP trying to yuribait my accomplice! I don't care how little pantsu...
www.scribblehub.com
Man of memes, hear my call,
seek ancient maymays and laughter!
Unveil thine power levels and thine wisdom,
then,
Post this poetic chant to kek,
otherwise this kitty here will --- [BZZZT!]
(Immunity Dog shall not apply)
I'm really sorry, it's not shining too bright for me and I am unfamiliar with your brand of humor but here goes...
Edit after read through : I'm really sorry, I got to break meme format. I don't want to come off as negative but I am really having trouble reading this. It's in the style of 4 chan? It's got a lot of personality and great feelings as a plus.
it's magick, she doesn't have to explain sheeto.
[SFX:Flash!]
[SFX:Flash!]
"What are you...?!"
The crazy Frxnhhwoman just pulled out her obnoxiously red flipphone and flashed me!
Ohhh...it's this kind of writing...I can only feel neutral about this. I'll try but it really isn't my preferred taste. Do take note of that.
That's another thing that ticks me off. The murder of my ancestral language should be made a crime, and me the sole executioner. The correct word is 『はんぶん』, 『はんぶん』!
I hereby express my feeling from the writing. Really gives the white guy wanting to be Japanese feeling.
normally-colored blue flipphone
What would the abnormally colored phone be?
has already racked up a veritable rap sheet of unpaid for crimes, including but not limited to assault, arson, dine n' dash, impersonation of a historical figure, animal abuse (catgirl), and I suppose her existence is a sort of crime in itself!
heh...funny sentence
Girls who chase conspiracies and get into all sorts of trouble.
t. The two of us.
Just need a couple of touch ups on some random text errors.
Riiiiight, I should mention that we also uncovered a secret murder conspiracy headed by a faceless 'King Glowie' and that the city has its own worst-kept secret in literal dark knights wearing outlandishly eye-catching white cloaks.
I would never have believed that the proverbial glowies Madi-san always yells about existed until they literally tried to murder her last night.
It is as these intrusive thoughts floated into my head that the red flipphone suddenly rang in my face!
Your sentence structuring is quite hard to read. I get the humor but it's hard to read. These are called run on sentences and they really do break the story.
I'll have to stop my meme-ing and pass you this repo which is quite good :
https://lsa.umich.edu/sweetland/und...-is-a-run-on-sentence---how-do-i-fix-it-.html
The biichii pulls her phone away from me!
There is a signature look of superiority on her face,
like that of a balding old man offering you a treat,
only to pull it away from you in the end,
live on national TV!
"Hmm hmm! You got off easy there, Aya-chan! 『Moshi moshi』? La-Roux des...
... or should I say, maddafaqqer?! Where have (you) been?!"
I do kind of like the attached images you place with their reactions. Quite interesting.
Second of all, [Garden of Avalon] sounds really sus. Is there even such a place in all of [New Coimbra]? Yes, yes, put away your [New Continental Travel App] on your phone, what I meant is that the name itself is sus, don't we know a certain hentai bird by that name?
"Yapyapyap!... and thirdly, who do (you) think you are, Plxymxker?"
when I first arrived on [Bylon Island],
back when I hadn't heard about [Trono Palido]...!
I have been introduced so much new Jargon in one chapter... I understand it has related novels? Like I need to read your previous works before I get this one?
Until now, I have not received a single proper explanation how phones work in the New Continent, considering that it has been five hundred years since they were widespread! I, of course know about phones because I come from the [Old Continent]! The number of contacts in your phonebook probably are less than the fingers on your hand; me, Sachiko-senpai, and whoever this Val-sama is!
Ok. I got to pause here. I need to stop the memes here and be slightly more serious. I hate being serious about grammer but on the topic of reading flow throughout the whole first chapter. (This refers to the whole chapter)
1.
Prepositions: Usually there are missing prepositions, when you write "explanation how" . Use a proper link from the noun to the clause, so its "explanation of how".
2.
Comma flow: Sometimes, after you write "I, of course", you have to add a comma "I, of course,"
3.
A lot of subject verb agreement issues: "The number of contacts in your phonebook probably are" since you are referring to number, change to is,
"The number of contacts in your phonebook probably is less than"
Sorry. Just things that make the reader feel disturbed when reading...time for me to continue.
FYI its not just this sentence.
We have arrived in a vast clearing surrounded by apple trees in maple gold. At the very center of this clearing is a single towering apple tree, branches canopying almost the entire of this area. It would be difficult to measure how tall it actually is, but if thirty Ayanos stacked on our shoulders at the same time, we probably would not even reach the top!
I love the idea of stacking a character to measure a tree.
Although her back is turned to us, I can already see a certain familiarity in her top dress.
Not really sure what is a top dress. Does this mean there is a top and bottom dress?
I'm sorry.
I'm not the target audience but there is a very very very desperate need to fix some sentence structuring. This would make readers feel the story is smoother.
The comedy, memes and ideas are there and are quite developed... but for first time readers without background knowledge, it's tough...
But once fixed up for the general audience, it has the love and charm to make it big!!!
I can only wish you luck on your way forward.
If you would like...I could bring in a 2nd opinion as I show clear bias and prejudice in this review.
Edit : I do like the colored flavoured text!
Edit 2 : Sorry the meme review turned into english review. Not my original intention!
)
