First Webnovel

[Cookiez_N_Potionz]

Hey guys!

I was wondering can I get feedback on Chapter 5 and what do you think of the new bookcover?

The Succubus and The Maverick [LitRPG]

5 Systems. 5 Royal Families. Greetings, Champion! 17 year-old, Collin Rex is a football player with a heart of gold. But his easygoing life is flipped upside-down when his older siblings fall into a mysterious coma and no one knows why. With no more tricks in their playbook Collin's parents...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[VertisGuguChalimoth]

NOTE: Vertis only read chapter 5, so forgive Vertis' ignorance to anything that happened before.

Vertis is not one to talk about writing styles and whatnot since Vertis is barely an author so Vertis will tell you somethings that Vertis thinks.
Vertis thinks it should be "felt" not "feels", here:

All of a sudden Collin feels something hard smack into his face.

To Vertis, this paragraph sounds a bit off.
Like Vertis see Collin and the ginger. Possibly just refer to them by their names or hair characteristics instead of guy? VDK

He saw the guy go for his throat and quickly yanked the student's arm. A girl that was watching the fight looked extremely embarrassed. This made the ginger stumble and Collin was able to avoid getting choked, but the guy headbutted him. He tasted blood and kicked the guy into the lockers.

It should be "an" not "a" here:

they arrived at a antebellum mansion

So I (Vertis) think that a comma should not be between "about" and "Travis".
Vertis also thinks that it should be "used" not "use".

"Don't mention it and I'm really sorry about, Travis. We use to date and he can be really jealous."

There are other parts which repeat the same "issues" above.

For the latter part of the chapter, Vertis enjoyed it. The dialogue is GREAT overall.
There were some scenes Vertis thinks you should of lingered on with their emotions.
Time transitions could use a bit of work Vertis guesses.

There was also a few scenes Vertis didn't quite understand why you added. For example: "The girl got embarrassed" part during the fight with ginger. Vertis also does not know why the fight was added. (Possibly foreshadowing?)

The snake scene also feels unimportant but maybe it's foreshadowing.

This was the first LitRPG story Vertis has ever read and so far Vertis likes it. (Especially the lower half)

As for the new book cover: It's okay but Vertis dislikes the shiny.

 

[Cookiez_N_Potionz]

NOTE: Vertis only read chapter 5, so forgive Vertis' ignorance to anything that happened before.

Vertis is not one to talk about writing styles and whatnot since Vertis is barely an author so Vertis will tell you somethings that Vertis thinks.
Vertis thinks it should be "felt" not "feels", here:

To Vertis, this paragraph sounds a bit off.
Like Vertis see Collin and the ginger. Possibly just refer to them by their names or hair characteristics instead of guy? VDK

It should be "an" not "a" here:

So I (Vertis) think that a comma should not be between "about" and "Travis".
Vertis also thinks that it should be "used" not "use".

There are other parts which repeat the same "issues" above.

For the latter part of the chapter, Vertis enjoyed it. The dialogue is GREAT overall.
There were some scenes Vertis thinks you should of lingered on with their emotions.
Time transitions could use a bit of work Vertis guesses.

There was also a few scenes Vertis didn't quite understand why you added. For example: "The girl got embarrassed" part during the fight with ginger. Vertis also does not know why the fight was added. (Possibly foreshadowing?)

The snake scene also feels unimportant but maybe it's foreshadowing.

This was the first LitRPG story Vertis has ever read and so far Vertis likes it. (Especially the lower half)

As for the new book cover: It's okay but Vertis dislikes the shiny.

Thank you very much, Vertis!
I know I gotta work on my grammar and once I finish the story that will be fixed. And I'll try and work on my character voice and emotion. Yes, those scenes are foreshadowing.