First time writing and would like some feedback

[oldeststoryteller]

As the title says, I've just recently started writing after reading for a long time, and this is my first story. I think it's good, but which author doesn't think their own story is amazing? I would appreciate some honest feedback but I'm not so sure how this works so I ask for your patience.


Here is the link to the story:

How to Survive as the Heavenly Demon’s Slightly Less Murderous Son

People hear I’m the Heavenly Demon’s son and assume I’ve lived a life of luxury. They’re half right if you count assassination attempts, poison tastings, and being told to 'get stronger or die' as luxury. I grew up in the Divine Cult, what the Central Plains...

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[XuFu]

I tried reading it. This kind of novel similar to poetry is quite good, but I have a small doubt. Even if you want to describe a cruel training process, a task that occurs once every six months still seems too long. If it is once a month or even once a week, might it better highlight its difficulty or test?

 

[oldeststoryteller]

I tried reading it. This kind of novel similar to poetry is quite good, but I have a small doubt. Even if you want to describe a cruel training process, a task that occurs once every six months still seems too long. If it is once a month or even once a week, might it better highlight its difficulty or test?

Thank you very much for the reply and for reading the story. I should have probably expanded a bit more on the details of it, I was a bit more focused on the character arc. To answer your question the test is more like a big exam, throughout your time in the Crimson Ascent Pavilion you are constantly assessed by the instructors and seniors where then they formulate a test that targets your weakness to make you aware of it. This process is done to discourage arrogance and to prevent stagnation.

 

[XuFu]

Thank you very much for the reply and for reading the story. I should have probably expanded a bit more on the details of it, I was a bit more focused on the character arc. To answer your question the test is more like a big exam, throughout your time in the Crimson Ascent Pavilion you are constantly assessed by the instructors and seniors where then they formulate a test that targets your weakness to make you aware of it. This process is done to discourage arrogance and to prevent stagnation.

Thank you very much for the reply and for reading the story. I should have probably expanded a bit more on the details of it, I was a bit more focused on the character arc. To answer your question the test is more like a big exam, throughout your time in the Crimson Ascent Pavilion you are constantly assessed by the instructors and seniors where then they formulate a test that targets your weakness to make you aware of it. This process is done to discourage arrogance and to prevent stagnation.

So that's it. I thought it was that kind of bloody trial similar to tempering one's character.

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

@oldeststoryteller

I took a look at your prologue and chapter 1 part one.

Editorially you need a very few fixes. A couple changes in narrative and a few run-on sentences. Nothing someone else editing for you can't find.

I'll start by saying that I'm not your target audience. Marital arts hat isn't my thing, so there's are things that I might not get that others that are a fan will inherently understand.

That having been said, I have a bit of things I want to share.
First, while the world seems interesting at first glance, it takes a minute of reading to know you've set up an impossible situation, I mean the MC - as a baby... Has to be rescued by his sister. Which directly contradicts the premise.
Not even as brutal as Sparta was, did they prey on thier newborn or young children. I mean holy Hannah you even say that the father would kill his own kid for being weak as a child.
For not wanting to create an edgelord you are surefire on the way to doing it...even this early in.

So, we move into chapter 1. Miraculously the MC made it to the ripe age of nine so he can go to school.
We find out almost nothing physical about him, but we know he's gifted with martial arts.
Meets a girl who's nice to him, he's mean.. Per his nine years and they end up chatting the rest of the chapter over the span of what I guessed was months.
Okay. Your characters have zero depth. They have no personality. All we get is speech and more speech. Bring them to life. Give them mannerisms. Give them quirks.
Next is a pet peeve of mine
The singular set of ellipsis "..." <--- those are freaking awful. The point should always be to show your reader. If the character has a particular look, show us. Don't just throw up some dots and infer that we know.

Next is the concept that these kids...yes kids have any idea what philosophy is, let alone employ it. The main character at this point is 9. I highly doubt he knows how to spell the word let alone anything else. If you want the children in a brutal society, that's fine. They are still kids. They won't think like adults.

Beyond that, I think you've got a fun and likeable concept. It only needs a few tweaks to be wonderful.
Thanks for the read!

 

[oldeststoryteller]

Thanks for the reply and for reading my novel.

This reply really has helped me understand

Yeah, I have found that characterisation is definitely my weak point in writing, will try improve on that.

Was going for the sense that they were forced to grow up a bit quicker, but it does seem they are expressing ideas that are too complex for their age. So I might just edit it to make them a bit older.

Will try to rewrite the first arc when I get better at writing and hopefully I manage to fix these problems but will follow the edits you have recommended. Once again thanks for the feedback and the help.

 

[Aurimaz]

Judging purely by the title, it's a technical textbook... Seriously, new authors should stop repeating this trend of cramming half of a plot into a title. First of all, it makes me question if you're serious about your work at all. You said you read a lot. You should have noticed by this point how long titles sound ridiculous, or what kind of novels hide under them. So why would you repeat such a trend?

The cover is decent. If not the title, it would be very decent. No negatives on that front.
Synopsis... well, it could be slightly better, but when comparing with hundreds of others, it is kinda... good? Could be a little shorter and more to the point. Right now, it makes me think your story will be a nice cultivation comedy.