First Chapter Analysis

[yinjenxie]

This is correct, but... Eh, I'll squeeze in one more just because this isn't yet another Isekai or LitRPG. But this is the only exception I'm making. If I open another in the future, I'm retooling how I do this.



For web novels, this is fine. There is a bit of stuff you could do with prose to liven it up, switching from passive to active more.

That aside, I do like how you handle the dialogue and the actual events of the story. I'd maybe try to make the first line more catchy -- see what I've said about hooks somewhere in this thread -- but the actual events and idea of a traitor work. Everything going awry can work here. I DO feel there's too many characters to keep track of a bit, but it's not a big deal. Also, a part of me worries you overuse technical jagron throughout. That said, I actually like it more with the worldbuilding here since people are actively doing stuff.

Also, there are grammar issues that can be easily found and cleaned. For instance...


This should be...



And I'd cut the internal monologue there given everything going on. Also, if you do keep it that way, at least get rid of the comma.

Anyway, I'll give it a...hmm... I don't want to give it a thumbs down, but it isn't an enthusiastic thumbs up if that makes sense. You aren't doing bad at all though and should be proud of your work so far.

Oh, and you do a lot of telling instead of showing too, so here's this.

Thanks for the exception part. Always having a hard time with show, don't tell stuff. I should have not ignored my English teacher before XD

Your analysis helped me anyways. Thank you once again...

 

[StoryTeller_314]

Do you find starting a story a daunting task? I do. Luckily, I always have my mountains of research on the writing craft to fall back on. It's helped me out a great deal over the years in building my confidence and I'd love to share a bit of it with those who are interested. I can't guarantee perfection, but I'm fairly confident I can help you start the story on the right foot.

What I'll do is read the first chapter present only and figure out what's either working and/or not working for me. I'll address it in the thread and try to have a back & forth convo with you to see what I can best suggest. I'll also try to connect you with the writing craft which might help you best to hear.

I do reserve the right to pass on a story if it's so extreme against my tastes, but I'll do my best to focus on what your work is doing and what you're trying to do. Also, I'll just tell you if your story passes or fails in my eyes as an opening chapter.

Also, to note, I don't care about "perfection" or the like. Perfection is impossible because it doesn't exist. I simply wish to help refine people's skills as writers so they can better entertain their intended audience. And I refine stuff by using craft techniques which help me get things done and help me help others. This is what I'm offering.

If your outlook is just "I just want to write from my heart and do this", please do not ask for feedback. I'm not against writing for fun. Do it! Write for fun! Enjoy the act of creation! I'm pro-writing as a hobby. It's just that that outlook has nothing to do with the reader's experience. I'm not offering positive affirmation. This is for those who wish to learn where immediate issues might lie for the readers and hear suggestions for how to address those issues. I'm approaching this as a reader first and, when stuff fails, I'm turning on my editor's eye to figure out why. Finally, I'll suggest edits. If you don't wish to change anything, please don't ask. Or, at the very least, don't tell me because I don't care. It's your story and I ultimately want you to do whatever you want with it, not whatever would most please me. It's just tiresome to read again and again after putting in the effort to give a genuine reaction & feedback because it feels like the person didn't want to hear what was said to them.

Could you give mine a shot ?

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Could you give mine a shot ?

This thread is two years old - and he's been kind of absent working on a new website or some such, so unlikely.

 

[StoryTeller_314]

This thread is two years old - and he's been kind of absent working on a new website or some such, so unlikely.

You can try if you want . I will appreciate it

 

[CharlesEBrown]

You can try if you want . I will appreciate it

Posting a link will increase the odds.

 

[StoryTeller_314]

Posting a link will increase the odds.

My bad .

Here's the link

Naruto – The God of Shinobi

A Naruto fanfic where Mc create his own fighting techniques from scratch, not by using plot armor but by using logic. If you hate a logical story, then please skip it. --------- One moment, he was just another guy from Earth. The next, he wakes up in Konoha as a...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Cookiez_N_Potionz]

Feedback is always good and I know you can't appease everyone

The Maverick and The Succubus [LitRPG]

5 Systems. 5 Royal Families. Greetings, Champion! 17 year-old, Collin Rex is a football player with a heart of gold. But his easygoing life is flipped upside-down when his older siblings fall into a mysterious coma. With no more tricks in their playbook Collin's folks decide to move back to...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Racosharko]

I sense... foul magicks....

Disgusting necromancy is afoot!

 

[Clo]

But hey, I learned stuff from Marcus video on the first page. So not all necromancy is vile.

 

[Racosharko]

But hey, I learned stuff from Marcus video on the first page. So not all necromancy is vile.

The road to hell is paved with necromancy!

 

[Story_Marc]

Could you give mine a shot ?

...I'm going to humor this since it's almost March 1st, when I launch everything.

So, there's quite a bit of good here, but I'm noticing a bit of pacing issues, tone issues, and unnecessary bloat which makes the prose feel heavier than necessary.

1. Pacing Drag at the Start – The opening paints a strong mood, but it lingers a bit too long before anything really happens. The storm is dramatic, but the weight of that initial energy fades when we settle on the protagonist. If the story is about the protagonist’s discontent and eventual death, we should push toward that with more momentum.

2. Overwriting – Some sections add flair but don’t pull their weight. For example:

• “The storm raged outside, a violent cacophony of wind and rain that shook the very foundation of the world.” – This sounds grand, but it’s too much. Unless the storm is supernatural, it’s just… a storm. It doesn’t shake “the foundation of the world.” A tighter, more personal description would hit harder.
• “The room was cramped, suffocating. It wasn’t the kind of space that breathed or lived; it was a tomb.” – “Cramped” already suggests suffocation. The extra layer of metaphor ("a tomb") might work better if it were earned rather than stacked in.

3. Some of the Internal Monologue Feels a Bit Tryhard – The protagonist’s existential dissatisfaction is relatable, but some lines lean into melodrama a little hard. “What was the point of a life that was only half-lived?” feels like it wants to be deep, but the moment hasn’t quite earned that phrasing yet.

4. Transition to the Death Scene is Clunky – The protagonist’s late-night routine is oddly detailed for something that doesn’t matter much in the grand scheme of things. The wet dream and subsequent guilty indulgence in anime videos don’t add much unless the point is to show how mundane his life is before it all changes. But if that’s the case, it might need a more intentional framing—right now, it feels like we’re just following him through motions that aren’t dramatically relevant.

5. The Cosmic Scene is Strong But A Bit Too “Dramatic God Speaks” – The divine figure’s dialogue is heavy, but some of it feels like it’s trying too hard to sound lofty rather than being naturally impactful. The best “god-like” speeches have an effortless weight to them—this one reads as if it’s trying to be grand, which makes it feel a bit forced.

Overall, this reads like it's trying to be immersive rather than actually immersive. Having said that, I'm so glad you are trying so many different things. I think you could have potential with more experience and refinement of your craft. As for how, that's stuff I reserve for other things.

At any rate, not bad, it's fine for the webnovel space, but if you wish to grow as a writer, there's more work to be done.

 

[StoryTeller_314]

...I'm going to humor this since it's almost March 1st, when I launch everything.

So, there's quite a bit of good here, but I'm noticing a bit of pacing issues, tone issues, and unnecessary bloat which makes the prose feel heavier than necessary.

1. Pacing Drag at the Start – The opening paints a strong mood, but it lingers a bit too long before anything really happens. The storm is dramatic, but the weight of that initial energy fades when we settle on the protagonist. If the story is about the protagonist’s discontent and eventual death, we should push toward that with more momentum.

2. Overwriting – Some sections add flair but don’t pull their weight. For example:

• “The storm raged outside, a violent cacophony of wind and rain that shook the very foundation of the world.” – This sounds grand, but it’s too much. Unless the storm is supernatural, it’s just… a storm. It doesn’t shake “the foundation of the world.” A tighter, more personal description would hit harder.
• “The room was cramped, suffocating. It wasn’t the kind of space that breathed or lived; it was a tomb.” – “Cramped” already suggests suffocation. The extra layer of metaphor ("a tomb") might work better if it were earned rather than stacked in.

3. Some of the Internal Monologue Feels a Bit Tryhard – The protagonist’s existential dissatisfaction is relatable, but some lines lean into melodrama a little hard. “What was the point of a life that was only half-lived?” feels like it wants to be deep, but the moment hasn’t quite earned that phrasing yet.

4. Transition to the Death Scene is Clunky – The protagonist’s late-night routine is oddly detailed for something that doesn’t matter much in the grand scheme of things. The wet dream and subsequent guilty indulgence in anime videos don’t add much unless the point is to show how mundane his life is before it all changes. But if that’s the case, it might need a more intentional framing—right now, it feels like we’re just following him through motions that aren’t dramatically relevant.

5. The Cosmic Scene is Strong But A Bit Too “Dramatic God Speaks” – The divine figure’s dialogue is heavy, but some of it feels like it’s trying too hard to sound lofty rather than being naturally impactful. The best “god-like” speeches have an effortless weight to them—this one reads as if it’s trying to be grand, which makes it feel a bit forced.

Overall, this reads like it's trying to be immersive rather than actually immersive. Having said that, I'm so glad you are trying so many different things. I think you could have potential with more experience and refinement of your craft. As for how, that's stuff I reserve for other things.

At any rate, not bad, it's fine for the webnovel space, but if you wish to grow as a writer, there's more work to be done.

Well , Thanks for the review. It's my first novel . So ,I will definitely improve upon it.
If you have any other tips please tell me.

Thanks again.?

 

[Story_Marc]

If you want other tips, follow my content. Or commission me for consulting if you wish to customize advice. As I said, I was humoring. The audacity of resurrecting this old thread amused me.

 

[Comrade567]

Do you find starting a story a daunting task? I do. Luckily, I always have my mountains of research on the writing craft to fall back on. It's helped me out a great deal over the years in building my confidence and I'd love to share a bit of it with those who are interested. I can't guarantee perfection, but I'm fairly confident I can help you start the story on the right foot.

What I'll do is read the first chapter present only and figure out what's either working and/or not working for me. I'll address it in the thread and try to have a back & forth convo with you to see what I can best suggest. I'll also try to connect you with the writing craft which might help you best to hear.

I do reserve the right to pass on a story if it's so extreme against my tastes, but I'll do my best to focus on what your work is doing and what you're trying to do. Also, I'll just tell you if your story passes or fails in my eyes as an opening chapter.

Also, to note, I don't care about "perfection" or the like. Perfection is impossible because it doesn't exist. I simply wish to help refine people's skills as writers so they can better entertain their intended audience. And I refine stuff by using craft techniques which help me get things done and help me help others. This is what I'm offering.

If your outlook is just "I just want to write from my heart and do this", please do not ask for feedback. I'm not against writing for fun. Do it! Write for fun! Enjoy the act of creation! I'm pro-writing as a hobby. It's just that that outlook has nothing to do with the reader's experience. I'm not offering positive affirmation. This is for those who wish to learn where immediate issues might lie for the readers and hear suggestions for how to address those issues. I'm approaching this as a reader first and, when stuff fails, I'm turning on my editor's eye to figure out why. Finally, I'll suggest edits. If you don't wish to change anything, please don't ask. Or, at the very least, don't tell me because I don't care. It's your story and I ultimately want you to do whatever you want with it, not whatever would most please me. It's just tiresome to read again and again after putting in the effort to give a genuine reaction & feedback because it feels like the person didn't want to hear what was said to them.

Hey Story_Marc, I really appreciate your approach to constructive feedback—it's refreshing to see someone focus on the reader’s experience. If you're open to it, I'd love for you to check out my story Her Love, My Regret. I’m looking to refine my first chapter and would value your insights on what’s working and what needs improvement. Let me know if you're interested!

 

[Story_Marc]

Sorry, but what I did before was an exclusive event. I seldom give feedback for free anymore, barring exceptions like above when I was amused by this old thread being resurrected. That said, I'll be releasing far more stuff to help writers again, if you wish to follow that, and I will start selling my consultant services this year for anybody who wants custom, in-depth help.

 

[LEGENDGOD1]

Do you find starting a story a daunting task? I do. Luckily, I always have my mountains of research on the writing craft to fall back on. It's helped me out a great deal over the years in building my confidence and I'd love to share a bit of it with those who are interested. I can't guarantee perfection, but I'm fairly confident I can help you start the story on the right foot.

What I'll do is read the first chapter present only and figure out what's either working and/or not working for me. I'll address it in the thread and try to have a back & forth convo with you to see what I can best suggest. I'll also try to connect you with the writing craft which might help you best to hear.

I do reserve the right to pass on a story if it's so extreme against my tastes, but I'll do my best to focus on what your work is doing and what you're trying to do. Also, I'll just tell you if your story passes or fails in my eyes as an opening chapter.

Also, to note, I don't care about "perfection" or the like. Perfection is impossible because it doesn't exist. I simply wish to help refine people's skills as writers so they can better entertain their intended audience. And I refine stuff by using craft techniques which help me get things done and help me help others. This is what I'm offering.

If your outlook is just "I just want to write from my heart and do this", please do not ask for feedback. I'm not against writing for fun. Do it! Write for fun! Enjoy the act of creation! I'm pro-writing as a hobby. It's just that that outlook has nothing to do with the reader's experience. I'm not offering positive affirmation. This is for those who wish to learn where immediate issues might lie for the readers and hear suggestions for how to address those issues. I'm approaching this as a reader first and, when stuff fails, I'm turning on my editor's eye to figure out why. Finally, I'll suggest edits. If you don't wish to change anything, please don't ask. Or, at the very least, don't tell me because I don't care. It's your story and I ultimately want you to do whatever you want with it, not whatever would most please me. It's just tiresome to read again and again after putting in the effort to give a genuine reaction & feedback because it feels like the person didn't want to hear what was said to them.

Mine is a fantasy story, please review it :) Advice is appreciated.

Story name is Cosmeta: Incarnate Ronin's journey in another world