If you're still doing this I'd love to hear feedback from you!
The story is here!
Feel free to read the synopsis to judge whether or not you wish to review it.
The fact this starts with the misuse of the semi-colon hurt me. A good, simple example of how to improve this opening while sticking with what you have...
A woman with blonde hair was cradling me while speaking soft tones in a strange language.
"Averisti?" she muttered. "Ivantiori hashen ilinor."
Anyway, this opening paragraph alone would be where I'd stop, since you jump between present tense and past tense quite a bit. If you're going to write first person, you need to settle on past tense or present tense.
Beyond that, this is very tell-heavy as some of the others. This falls into the same pacing issues as the other things, where it lacks any skill with exposition. It's all just dumping as much as possible, not all that interested in providing an experience as it is dumping as much as possible in the lap of the reader. The description itself is super vague throughout it, and there are quite a few sentences that are awkward or overly complex. Good example...
You: Though my efforts weren't always fruitful as I thought, for I may have gotten sick multiple times.
Quick Fix: Despite my efforts, I still fell sick multiple times.
Also, you'd do well to learn more about dialogue formatting and so on, as this has issues with clarity, among other things.
Given all you're trying to do, a part of me wonders if the story would be better started at a different point instead of trying to cover so much in one chapter.
I would love your feedback on my story!
After falling to his death, he wakes up with two bodies?! Reincarnated as both a humble commoner boy and a privileged young noble girl, our protagonist enjoys their new chance in life with two different perspectives. Although they only wished for a peaceful life, the world had other plans in...
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I want to know if my earlier chapters manage to hook readers to my story or not.
This actually isn't the first time I've seen this story. I ran into it months ago and was curious what it was about. So I can say why I personally passed on it.
First, the lack of tense consistently ticked me off. It annoyed me to read within the first part since it kept bouncing back and forth. Plus the fact this story is being told in 1st-person while bouncing between these two different characters seems like an odd narrative choice. Given what's going on, a part of me thinks that a 3rd-person might be better for navigating this. Or, hell, even an omniscient narrator, so don't need to keep jumping back and forth between the two. Plus the sentences could use quite a bit of basic work, such as...
I lean my back against the fence, enjoying the night sky, it's a beautiful night. The building itself is... gross at best... But the night sky is still beautiful, even more enjoyable to see now that I have a girlfriend to enjoy it with.
Ignoring my hatred for 1st person present tense, here is how this should look with proper punctuation.
Quick Fix: I lean against the fence, enjoying the night sky. It's a beautiful night. The building itself is...gross at best, but the night sky is still beautiful. It's even more enjoyable to see now that I have a girlfriend to enjoy it with.
In fact, just to show how something can be better structured, here's me doing some quick stuff to make this read better:
"Man, this party's the best!" I said before drinking my beer with my girlfriend.
I leaned back against the fence and enjoyed the night sky. It's a beautiful night. The building itself was... gross at best, but the night sky was still beautiful. Especially now that I had a girlfriend to enjoy it with.
"I want to grab a apple," she said in a casual tone. "Want me to get you one?"
"Sure, but not now... I want you to be with me a bit more."
"Oh~ Sure." She leaned forward onto the fence, her elbows pressing down on it. "The sky's beautiful, huh?"
Her [adjectives I'd insert here] face illuminated by the moonlight made me fall in love with her again.
"Sure, the sky's beautiful," I said. "But not as beautiful as you."
"Oh, Luke~."
Something creaked, but I ignored it, figuring it was the wind.
"Luke!" yelled a familiar female voice.
My senior burst through the balcony door, screaming, "Run!"
"Huh?" I said.
"What's your senior screaming about?" my girlfriend asked.
A deafening screech, like the sound of a thousand trains derailing at once, shattered the stillness of the night. I stumbled backward, my heart pounding, as I tumbled over the side of the building.
The event it does start with is fine, though. Plus, it doesn't feel rushed or anything. I don't enjoy actually reading it, but the events it present are fine and work for the start of this specific story. And the premise itself is a good one.
Hi Marc,
Thank you for this thread. I'd love to hear feedback on
Chapter 0 of my story.
Okay, this one grabbed me. The hud and all that LitRPG stuff is a personal turn-off for me, but that's a
me thing as opposed to any issues. Though I will say I don't think it contributed much of anything there.
That aside, I like where you start the story, this whole group heading in to find this monster. You do a good job with characterization, and I like the action scenes. There are minor things I notice, such as you should use italicize here...
The prose: Stop it, stop it, stop it, he thought to himself.
Quick Fix: Stop it, stop it, stop it, he thought.
This is minor stuff, though. You did a good job here, and the way it ends does make me wish to keep reading. This was done well enough that I have confidence in you. You delivered well on the genre goods out the gate, did nice character work with all three, added some suspense, and gave a reason to keep reading. So yeah, this is a full-on thumbs up from me!
Otherwise, I'd read!
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