I put this in Envy's thread as well and normally wouldn't put it here as I'm waiting on feedback there, but I can see you're also a writer of Isekai/GL so your input would be pretty desirable for Amelia Thornheart :)
After years of fighting a terrible disease, Amelia finds herself transported into a mysterious world, right into the quarters of a demon captain! Free from her years of suffering, Amelia decides to face this new reality with optimism and cheerfulness! Strangely, she seems to have a new body...
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While grammar/sentence structure feedback is all welcome, I guess I'm more interested in whether you think the story itself is entertaining and the characters interesting etc
So I gave the first 3 chapters a read and here's my verdict.
Grammar And Prose
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- Overall the grammar and prose was to a good standard. I had no immediate grammatical troubles reading your work which is commendable as some stories well, you know how it is.
Characters:
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Amelia's character comes across as positive and cheerful, which is refreshing. While my connection to her character is still developing, as I've only read the first three chapters, I can see the potential for her to become a compelling protagonist. The groundwork for her character development has been laid well.
However, I have a slight concern about her naivety. For instance, her openness about her background and circumstances to a stranger on the ship seems sudden. Here’s an example:
“What is your name?”
“Amelia Thornheart! Pleased to meet you!”
Green.
“Where did you come from, Amelia?”
“… the hospital.” A fleeting moment of sadness flashed across Amelia’s face. Serena remembered everything Anathor had said about the girl. She would watch and remember every word now, looking for the smallest inconsistency.
“Amelia, is the body you are in now, the same one that suffered this affliction?”
Amelia’s eyes locked with hers, a solitary tear running down her cheek.
“… No.”
Green.
While her openness can be endearing, it might also be perceived as a lack of critical thinking, especially given the precarious situation of being in a new and unfamiliar world. This could potentially put her at risk, as she may not be fully aware of the intentions of those around her. Balancing her cheerful disposition with a bit more caution could make her character more realistic and relatable and avoid one sided dimensionality.
Serena's character has been quite enjoyable so far. Her awareness and prudence stand out, making her a compelling and reliable figure in the narrative. This contrasts nicely with Amelia's more naive disposition, providing a balance between the characters. Serena's seriousness about the situation at hand adds a layer of realism and urgency to the story, which enhances the overall tension and engagement for the reader.
Her occupation as a pirate is particularly intriguing and provides a fresh perspective that I haven’t seen be commonly explored since "LOTM" (Lord of the Mysteries). This unique angle adds depth to her character and opens up a myriad of possibilities for plot development and character interactions. The mystery surrounding Serena, her ship, and the crew is well-handled, keeping the readers curious and invested in learning more about her background and motivations.
Overall Story
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The overall story has a promising start, with engaging characters and an intriguing premise that draws the reader in. However, certain sections, particularly at the beginning of Chapter 3, feel somewhat bloated with exposition. Streamlining these parts could enhance the narrative's pacing and maintain the reader's engagement. Reducing some of the detailed exposition and allowing more of the background information to be revealed through dialogue and action might make the story flow more naturally and keep the momentum going. Despite this, the foundation laid in these initial chapters is good and I hope for further success on your story. Good Job
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