Feedback Wanted!

[Azraji]

So, this is my first attempt at writing a Webnovel or anything like that and I was hoping someone would be able to provide feedback.

I don't mind how brutal/mean the feedback is, anything which could help me is greatly appreciated ^_^

I got a 1-star rating without any feedback so I wanted to know how to fix my story so more people don't give similar scores aha

The Summoning of the Sun King

Shunsuke Yamada had failed life. No friends, no family, no future. In a world as unfair as the one he'd been born into, what was the point of living? In a world where no one was truly on your side, what was the point of believing? In a world where...

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[KoyukiMegumi]

From a quick look *cooking*, I saw a few tense errors. Am not great on grammar myself. But I did not see any reason for. 1* rating. Maybe eliminate the space before the sentence starts? It would look cleaner imo like that.

 

[Azraji]

Thank you, I appreciate that ^_^

I will do my best to eliminate tense errors as soon as possible, and thanks for the suggestion with the space!

 

[Deleted member 45782]

Put chapter numbers next to your chapter titles. I cannot tell which was the first chapter or not to start reading at first.

Grammar wise was pretty good or decent at least. Paragraph indent is inconsistent. Some paragraphs are indented and some are not.

The thing with this story though is that:
There is not much of a shock between him suddenly waking up in a new body and in a new world. He seems to instantly understands that he is in a not-so-trusty situation and almost immediately goes into analyzing all the details of the other characters in a very logical standpoint. I would expect from his sudden leap and how he was feeling right before then that those emotions and whatever he was going through would carry over to when he suddenly wakes up, and he probably would not be thinking so clearly and logically right away.

Other interesting thing maybe is how he adapts to his body very quickly to able to deliver a punch. There's no awkward muscle coordination that makes him stagger, he has full control of his body even though he just found out its not his. One can argue bout how he notices his new appearance and the ability to heal so he's not that quick to adapt but the healing ability was discovered later and appearances are only on the surface. You have a body, you'll sense it and your movements are what normally comes natural because you're used to your body. So if you're suddenly dumped into another, wouldn't it take some time to adjust before you can throw off a punch? It feels like he just went into another new armor and not a new body in a sense.

 

[Azraji]

Put chapter numbers next to your chapter titles. I cannot tell which was the first chapter or not.

Grammar wise was pretty good or decent at least. Paragraph indent is inconsistent. Some paragraphs are indented and some are not.

The thing with this story though is that:
There is not much of a shock between him suddenly waking up in a new body and in a new world. He seems to instantly understands that he is in a not-so-trusty situation and almost immediately goes into analyzing all the details of the other characters in a very logical standpoint. I would expect from his sudden leap and how he was feeling right before then that those emotions and whatever he was going through would carry over to when he suddenly wakes up, and he probably would not be thinking so clearly and logically right away.

Thank you so much for the advice! I'll add that right away and try to fix paragraphs, and then attempt to rework the introduction when I have time. I really appreciate the feedback

 

[Deleted member 45782]

Thank you so much for the advice! I'll add that right away and try to fix paragraphs, and then attempt to rework the introduction when I have time. I really appreciate the feedback

Np. Take it with a grain of salt since I'm not that great of a writer, but hope it helps. Good luck with your writings. \^_^/

 

[Snusmumriken]

I would probably venture and say that for the amount of text the suicide took, the MC's resulting behaviour seems rather detached from the actions that happened mere seconds ago from his perspective. Suddenly he is concerned about his existence and his mind is very calm and organized.

While that wouldn't by itself cause someone to mark it as 1* at least from my perspective, but suicide ideation and support, combined with the sudden shift in MC character probably helped.

 

[Azraji]

I would probably venture and say that for the amount of text the suicide took, the MC's resulting behaviour seems rather detached from the actions that happened mere seconds ago from his perspective. Suddenly he is concerned about his existence and his mind is very calm and organized.

While that wouldn't by itself cause someone to mark it as 1* at least from my perspective, but suicide ideation and support, combined with the sudden shift in MC character probably helped.

Understood; thank you so much for the feedback; I think I need to rework the initial moments of the MC, or at least describe his initial reaction a lot better, so I really appreciate the guidance ^_^

 

[Deleted member 45782]

I would probably venture and say that for the amount of text the suicide took, the MC's resulting behaviour seems rather detached from the actions that happened mere seconds ago from his perspective. Suddenly he is concerned about his existence and his mind is very calm and organized.

While that wouldn't by itself cause someone to mark it as 1* at least from my perspective, but suicide ideation and support, combined with the sudden shift in MC character probably helped.

agreed.