Feedback wanted for first few chapters of unposted story

[blushiemagic]

So I got the idea of waiting to finish writing the entire first book of my story before I start posting it publicly, so I can keep a regular schedule and minimize edits to already-posted chapters. But recently the chapter count's been climbing, and all of a sudden I realized that I don't want to have to rewrite over 150k words if my writing turns out to be total trash or confusing. So here's the intro arc, any feedback would be appreciated!

Planned SH Genres: Action, Fantasy, Gender Bender, Horror (unfortunately doesn't come much into play yet for these early chapters), LitRPG, Psychological, Sci-Fi

Synopsis:

By day, Thomas lives a hollow life, studying for a postgraduate degree and struggling to care when the war threatens to topple all that he’s worked for. By night, he suffers visceral nightmares, a sharp contrast to the numbness of his waking life.

But one morning, a new dream that feels more real than anything else offers a retreat from the terrors. He's thrown for a loop when the dream changes him into not one, but two girls. Now named Rayna and Lillian, they quickly find themselves thrust into both sides of a conflict between order and chaos. But now they’ve got awesome magic, and hey, anything’s better than the nightmares!

Or so they think, until the lines between dream and reality begin to blur, and their newfound sense of peace melts away. Unbeknownst to them, Rayna and Lillian are about to change both dreamworld and reality forever. And as they will soon discover, their old nightmares aren't done with them just yet…

Spoiler: Old Synopsis

By day, Thomas lives a hollow life, studying for a postgraduate degree and struggling to care when the war threatens to topple all that he’s worked for. By night, he suffers visceral nightmares, a sharp contrast to the numbness of his waking life.

But one morning, a new dream that feels more real than anything else offers a retreat from the terrors. Sure, it’s odd that the dream changed him into not one, but two girls. And they could do without having to play both sides in a conflict between order and chaos. But now they’ve got awesome magic, and hey, anything’s better than the nightmares!

Or so they think, until the lines between dream and reality begin to blur, and their newfound sense of peace melts away. Unbeknownst to them, the newly-named Rayna and Lillian are about to change both dreamworld and reality forever. And as they will soon discover, their old nightmares aren't done with them just yet…

Prologue: https://write.ellipsus.com/edit/cf843f5e-f819-43ea-b77e-bdecf6a642ba

Chapter 1: https://write.ellipsus.com/edit/c9dace26-981a-4dae-8157-d5f238f2c9f0

Chapter 2: https://write.ellipsus.com/edit/6d5728a9-a651-4adf-85f6-61db76fd6f1a

Chapter 3: https://write.ellipsus.com/edit/c02bc959-eb20-40e5-9fae-4bd4f0807c6d

Chapter 4: https://write.ellipsus.com/edit/081eb8e9-541e-4b8d-aca9-403ae856b31b

Chapter 5: https://write.ellipsus.com/edit/ea835c86-1aa9-4897-af48-fdb15e710c12

 

[L1aei]

So I got the idea of waiting to finish writing the entire first book of my story before I start posting it publicly, so I can keep a regular schedule and minimize edits to already-posted chapters. But recently the chapter count's been climbing, and all of a sudden I realized that I don't want to have to rewrite over 150k words if my writing turns out to be total trash or confusing. So here's the intro arc, any feedback would be appreciated!

Planned SH Genres: Action, Fantasy, Gender Bender, Horror (unfortunately doesn't come much into play yet for these early chapters), LitRPG, Psychological, Sci-Fi

Synopsis:

By day, Thomas lives a hollow life, studying for a postgraduate degree and struggling to care when the war threatens to topple all that he’s worked for. By night, he suffers visceral nightmares, a sharp contrast to the numbness of his waking life.

But one morning, a new dream that feels more real than anything else offers a retreat from the terrors. Sure, it’s odd that the dream changed him into not one, but two girls. And they could do without having to play both sides in a conflict between order and chaos. But now they’ve got awesome magic, and hey, anything’s better than the nightmares!

Or so they think, until the lines between dream and reality begin to blur, and their newfound sense of peace melts away. Unbeknownst to them, the newly-named Rayna and Lillian are about to change both dreamworld and reality forever. And as they will soon discover, their old nightmares aren't done with them just yet…

Just to clarify something before any of us get into this: are we dealing with one person possessing the bodies of two others or does Rayna and Lillian have their own personalities and lives?

 

[TheIcMan]

Yeah I'm confused with the pronouns. Is Thomas they now because he's two girls or what?

 

[blushiemagic]

Just to clarify something before any of us get into this: are we dealing with one person possessing the bodies of two others or does Rayna and Lillian have their own personalities and lives?

It's kind of a weird situation where Rayna and Lillian each have their own personality but they both still share the same mind, so the definition of person becomes a little blurry. At first they don't even know they have any separation, but the dream makes them realize their differences, and the MC becomes weirdly one person and two people at the same time.

Yeah I'm confused with the pronouns. Is Thomas they now because he's two girls or what?

At first they try to cling to he/him pronouns (although that doesn't come up much in first person), but later on they finally shed that and it becomes they/them for both of them as a group, and she/her for each one individually.

 

[L1aei]

It's kind of a weird situation where Rayna and Lillian each have their own personality but they both still share the same mind, so the definition of person becomes a little blurry. At first they don't even know they have any separation, but the dream makes them realize their differences, and the MC becomes weirdly one person and two people at the same time.

At first they try to cling to he/him pronouns (although that doesn't come up much in first person), but later on they finally shed that and it becomes they/them for both of them as a group, and she/her for each one individually.

I'll get around to this.

 

[TheIcMan]

It's kind of a weird situation where Rayna and Lillian each have their own personality but they both still share the same mind, so the definition of person becomes a little blurry. At first they don't even know they have any separation, but the dream makes them realize their differences, and the MC becomes weirdly one person and two people at the same time.

At first they try to cling to he/him pronouns (although that doesn't come up much in first person), but later on they finally shed that and it becomes they/them for both of them as a group, and she/her for each one individually.

Hmm. Gotcha. I feel like it'd be a much easier read if you named the two girls immediately:

But one morning, a new dream that feels more real than anything else offers a retreat from the terrors. Sure, it’s odd that the dream changed him into not one, but two girls named Rayna and Lillian.

That way it's easier to associate the pronouns with actual characters rather than some void blob of words and ideas. Also that entire paragraph bit for the synopsis is awkward. The latter sentence feels incomplete. Like, just remove "sure", start with "It's odd" and it makes it much more readable lmao. I'll get around to this too later. When I'm not suffocating by two many things at once sometime.....

 

[Eldoria]

So I got the idea of waiting to finish writing the entire first book of my story before I start posting it publicly, so I can keep a regular schedule and minimize edits to already-posted chapters. But recently the chapter count's been climbing, and all of a sudden I realized that I don't want to have to rewrite over 150k words if my writing turns out to be total trash or confusing. So here's the intro arc, any feedback would be appreciated!

Well, I position myself as a casual reader who just happened to pass by and read it once to gauge immersion.

My brief impression is that you managed to make me read two chapters without a break (without repeating). Your chapters are easy to read because they have a paragraph format that is suitable for mobile.

However, after reading two chapters (and touching on the beginning of chapter 3), I'm quite sure your fiction is more suited to be called a "diary" than immersion fiction that makes the reader drift into the lives of characters in their world. Why?

Because, your narrative uses the first POV which should create zero narrative distance between the reader and the MC (MC = I am = narrator = reader).

However, instead of 'hypnotizing' the reader to become the MC, you instead create a distance between the MC and the reader by making your MC a tool of commentary and narrative exposition.

So, I as a reader feel as if I see the MC busy commenting on the plot and worldbuilding, instead of showing how MC experiences the his story.

The problem is, you tell too much of the plot and worldbuilding 'inside the MC's head'. That creates a narrative distance where the reader acts as the MC's mind reader.

If you want your narrative to be more alive, more immersive, make the MC live in his world. Use the MC as a lens for the reader to breathe, see, feel, touch, move, and respond to the world.

Don't tell the MC what he thinks about the plot and worldbuilding. Make the MC experience the plot (events) in his world. Some suggestions I offer:

(1) Keep the plot moving along with the action. Don't let the pacing slow down because of the narrator's long-winded explanations.

(2) Make the MC react/respond to the world. You can increase sensory impressions including visuals, audio, taste, touch, aroma, physiological reactions and mental states. But remember, don't overdo it! Just provide the most prominent sensory impressions in each action.

(3) Build a living world. Don't make the world a static setting. Make the world a place full of dynamics and dynamic. Make the world a stimulus for the MC to react.

For example, instead of busy describing a hallway in detail through the MC's mind, show what the hallway feels like. Show how the stuffy air makes the MC short of breath. Show how the dark hallway makes the MC anxious. Show what creatures live in the hallway: rats suddenly appear, making the MC panic.

This way, the worldbuilding feels alive like an organism, not just a static object that the MC observes.

(4) Narrate the scene cinematically. Don't describe too much. You can use cinematic action narrative. Describe (as needed) following the action. Action as a trigger, description as a consequence of the reaction.

For example, instead of busy describing a wet room in detail, you can show how the room feels wet based on what the MC experiences.

"I fell on the floor. A cold sensation crept up my thigh. I stood up. My pants dripped water on the floor."

This way, the pacing will be smoother. The narrative time continues to move forward, not standing still/static in place just to describe what is this?


(5) Finally, re-learn the principle of show it, don't tell it! Minimize any explanations that the narrator concludes. Make the reader conclude and feel for themselves what is happening.

Reduce raw emotions (for example, mentioning the MC's emotions directly with adjectives anxious, happy, scared, etc). Show the MC's emotions through body language, actions, dialogue, atmosphere and tension.

Well, that's my feedback. I hope it helps you, or maybe not.

Regards.

Critical Note:
I always position myself as a causal reader. My judgment may be biased. I simply provide honest feedback based on reader experience.

 

[TheIcMan]

Well, I position myself as a casual reader who just happened to pass by and read it once to gauge immersion.

My brief impression is that you managed to make me read two chapters without a break (without repeating). Your chapters are easy to read because they have a paragraph format that is suitable for mobile.

However, after reading two chapters (and touching on the beginning of chapter 3), I'm quite sure your fiction is more suited to be called a "diary" than immersion fiction that makes the reader drift into the lives of characters in their world. Why?

Because, your narrative uses the first POV which should create zero narrative distance between the reader and the MC (MC = I am = narrator = reader).

However, instead of 'hypnotizing' the reader to become the MC, you instead create a distance between the MC and the reader by making your MC a tool of commentary and narrative exposition.

So, I as a reader feel as if I see the MC busy commenting on the plot and worldbuilding, instead of showing how MC experiences the his story.

The problem is, you tell too much of the plot and worldbuilding 'inside the MC's head'. That creates a narrative distance where the reader acts as the MC's mind reader.

If you want your narrative to be more alive, more immersive, make the MC live in his world. Use the MC as a lens for the reader to breathe, see, feel, touch, move, and respond to the world.

Don't tell the MC what he thinks about the plot and worldbuilding. Make the MC experience the plot (events) in his world. Some suggestions I offer:

(1) Keep the plot moving along with the action. Don't let the pacing slow down because of the narrator's long-winded explanations.

(2) Make the MC react/respond to the world. You can increase sensory impressions including visuals, audio, taste, touch, aroma, physiological reactions and mental states. But remember, don't overdo it! Just provide the most prominent sensory impressions in each action.

(3) Build a living world. Don't make the world a static setting. Make the world a place full of dynamics and dynamic. Make the world a stimulus for the MC to react.

For example, instead of busy describing a hallway in detail through the MC's mind, show what the hallway feels like. Show how the stuffy air makes the MC short of breath. Show how the dark hallway makes the MC anxious. Show what creatures live in the hallway: rats suddenly appear, making the MC panic.

This way, the worldbuilding feels alive like an organism, not just a static object that the MC observes.

(4) Narrate the scene cinematically. Don't describe too much. You can use cinematic action narrative. Describe (as needed) following the action. Action as a trigger, description as a consequence of the reaction.

For example, instead of busy describing a wet room in detail, you can show how the room feels wet based on what the MC experiences.

"I fell on the floor. A cold sensation crept up my thigh. I stood up. My pants dripped water on the floor."

This way, the pacing will be smoother. The narrative time continues to move forward, not standing still/static in place just to describe what is this?


(5) Finally, re-learn the principle of show it, don't tell it! Minimize any explanations that the narrator concludes. Make the reader conclude and feel for themselves what is happening.

Reduce raw emotions (for example, mentioning the MC's emotions directly with adjectives anxious, happy, scared, etc.). Show the MC's emotions through body language, actions, dialogue, atmosphere and tension.

Well, that's my feedback. I hope it helps you, or maybe not.

Regards.

Critical Note:
I always position myself as a causal reader. My judgment may be biased. I simply provide honest feedback based on reader experience.

Wait what? Since when are first person pov's always supposed to be making the reader the main character? Have I been reading wrong? Was I supposed to be like "ah yes, I am Katniss Everdeen" or something?

Because from a cursory glance of the prologue, shit looks proper. Better than the usual scribblehub attempt, at least.

 

[L1aei]

Wait what? Since when are first person pov's always supposed to be making the reader the main character? Have I been reading wrong? Was I supposed to be like "ah yes, I am Katniss Everdeen" or something?

Because from a cursory glance of the prologue, shit looks proper. Better than the usual scribblehub attempt, at least.

It's about immersion. You, me, everybody being in their head doesn't make us them, but it does let us experience the world as they do, you know, through their senses.

 

[TheIcMan]

It's about immersion. You, me, everybody being in their head doesn't make us them, but it does let us experience the world as they do, you know, through their senses.

I mean yeah, that makes sense. Having descriptive prose is a standard for writing. I just had a weird feeling about the way Eldoria described it because it felt like some "y/n" type of thing where the narrator isn't supposed to be a character, it's supposed to be you the reader.

 

[blushiemagic]

Hmm. Gotcha. I feel like it'd be a much easier read if you named the two girls immediately:


That way it's easier to associate the pronouns with actual characters rather than some void blob of words and ideas. Also that entire paragraph bit for the synopsis is awkward. The latter sentence feels incomplete. Like, just remove "sure", start with "It's odd" and it makes it much more readable lmao. I'll get around to this too later. When I'm not suffocating by two many things at once sometime.....

Does something like this sound better? "It’s odd that the dream changed him into not one, but two girls. And the newly-named Rayna and Lillian could do without having to play both sides in a conflict between order and chaos."

Well, I position myself as a casual reader who just happened to pass by and read it once to gauge immersion.

My brief impression is that you managed to make me read two chapters without a break (without repeating). Your chapters are easy to read because they have a paragraph format that is suitable for mobile.

However, after reading two chapters (and touching on the beginning of chapter 3), I'm quite sure your fiction is more suited to be called a "diary" than immersion fiction that makes the reader drift into the lives of characters in their world. Why?

Because, your narrative uses the first POV which should create zero narrative distance between the reader and the MC (MC = I am = narrator = reader).

However, instead of 'hypnotizing' the reader to become the MC, you instead create a distance between the MC and the reader by making your MC a tool of commentary and narrative exposition.

So, I as a reader feel as if I see the MC busy commenting on the plot and worldbuilding, instead of showing how MC experiences the his story.

The problem is, you tell too much of the plot and worldbuilding 'inside the MC's head'. That creates a narrative distance where the reader acts as the MC's mind reader.

If you want your narrative to be more alive, more immersive, make the MC live in his world. Use the MC as a lens for the reader to breathe, see, feel, touch, move, and respond to the world.

Don't tell the MC what he thinks about the plot and worldbuilding. Make the MC experience the plot (events) in his world. Some suggestions I offer:

(1) Keep the plot moving along with the action. Don't let the pacing slow down because of the narrator's long-winded explanations.

(2) Make the MC react/respond to the world. You can increase sensory impressions including visuals, audio, taste, touch, aroma, physiological reactions and mental states. But remember, don't overdo it! Just provide the most prominent sensory impressions in each action.

(3) Build a living world. Don't make the world a static setting. Make the world a place full of dynamics and dynamic. Make the world a stimulus for the MC to react.

For example, instead of busy describing a hallway in detail through the MC's mind, show what the hallway feels like. Show how the stuffy air makes the MC short of breath. Show how the dark hallway makes the MC anxious. Show what creatures live in the hallway: rats suddenly appear, making the MC panic.

This way, the worldbuilding feels alive like an organism, not just a static object that the MC observes.

(4) Narrate the scene cinematically. Don't describe too much. You can use cinematic action narrative. Describe (as needed) following the action. Action as a trigger, description as a consequence of the reaction.

For example, instead of busy describing a wet room in detail, you can show how the room feels wet based on what the MC experiences.

"I fell on the floor. A cold sensation crept up my thigh. I stood up. My pants dripped water on the floor."

This way, the pacing will be smoother. The narrative time continues to move forward, not standing still/static in place just to describe what is this?


(5) Finally, re-learn the principle of show it, don't tell it! Minimize any explanations that the narrator concludes. Make the reader conclude and feel for themselves what is happening.

Reduce raw emotions (for example, mentioning the MC's emotions directly with adjectives anxious, happy, scared, etc). Show the MC's emotions through body language, actions, dialogue, atmosphere and tension.

Well, that's my feedback. I hope it helps you, or maybe not.

Regards.

Critical Note:
I always position myself as a causal reader. My judgment may be biased. I simply provide honest feedback based on reader experience.

Unfortunately I'm not sure what can be done about the narrative being inside the MC's head, since it's a psychological story where their sense of identity and mental state is one of the central struggles. For example, one of the paragraphs in chapter 17 goes like this (the cross-outs are intentional):

All this time, I had been referring to the concept of a singular "I" or "me". But in truth, such a concept was becoming less useful with each passing day. Every advancement I made in controlling two bodies involved the two of us me separating from each other even more. Rayna Part of me worried that we were I was making the problem irreparably worse. If this went too far, would the singular person I had once been essentially die? Had there ever been such a singular person in the first place?

I guess the MC not having any body until chapter 3 also makes things difficult to show.

All of the feedback is good though, thank you!

 

[TheIcMan]

Does something like this sound better? "It’s odd that the dream changed him into not one, but two girls. And the newly-named Rayna and Lillian could do without having to play both sides in a conflict between order and chaos."

Hmmmge.

It's better yeah. But since I'm in proofread/editor mode, it still doesn't fully sit right with me, and I have no capabilities of explaining why atm LMFAO. "And the newly-named" in particular being the thing to throw me off. But don't let that be a hang-up for you. Just let it be for me so you can keep writing kek

 

[Eldoria]

Unfortunately I'm not sure what can be done about the narrative being inside the MC's head, since it's a psychological story where their sense of identity and mental state is one of the central struggles. For example, one of the paragraphs in chapter 17 goes like this (the cross-outs are intentional):

Well, immersion isn't about how the MC thinks. It's about making the reader feel like the MC. You're free to explain the MC's thoughts as long as they're relevant to your plot. The problem isn't the MC's thoughts, but how they're narrated so the reader can feel them.

I don't want to change your plot and characters; I just want you to narrate scenes that are easier for the readers to feel, so the readers subconsciously feel like they're living your story through MC. You get my point, right?

If my explanation is complicated, I suggest you reread the Deep POV theory. Search it on Google or YouTube. I hope this answer helps you (or maybe not).

Regards.

 

[blushiemagic]

Well, immersion isn't about how the MC thinks. It's about making the reader feel like the MC. You're free to explain the MC's thoughts as long as they're relevant to your plot. The problem isn't the MC's thoughts, but how they're narrated so the reader can feel them.

I don't want to change your plot and characters; I just want you to narrate scenes that are easier for the readers to feel, so the readers subconsciously feel like they're living your story through MC. You get my point, right?

If my explanation is complicated, I suggest you reread the Deep POV theory. Search it on Google or YouTube. I hope this answer helps you (or maybe not).

Regards.

Deep POV theory is extremely helpful, thank you!

 

[Nolff]

It's kind of a weird situation where Rayna and Lillian each have their own personality but they both still share the same mind, so the definition of person becomes a little blurry. At first they don't even know they have any separation, but the dream makes them realize their differences, and the MC becomes weirdly one person and two people at the same time.

At first they try to cling to he/him pronouns (although that doesn't come up much in first person), but later on they finally shed that and it becomes they/them for both of them as a group, and she/her for each one individually.

If people need to ask you to know which pronouns goes to which characters, then there's something you need to fix about the phrasing, the grammar. I haven't read it yet, so if you're mad at my advice, it's fair.

 

[blushiemagic]

If people need to ask you to know which pronouns goes to which characters, then there's something you need to fix about the phrasing, the grammar. I haven't read it yet, so if you're mad at my advice, it's fair.

I think it's specifically the middle paragraph of the synopsis. I might try to find a way to completely rewrite that later.

 

[Nolff]

I think it's specifically the middle paragraph of the synopsis. I might try to find a way to completely rewrite that later.

Surprised that you're not immediately bothered by my presence. Well, if that's what you're planning to fix, then good.
The least you could do is making the character-referencing more evident. But eh, a complete rewrite is probably what I'd do. Good luck.

 

[Nevafrost]

Sorry in advance for asking something totally out of context. I have been looking for a site/app to write my novel and you are using ellipsus. Is it good?

 

[blushiemagic]

Sorry in advance for asking something totally out of context. I have been looking for a site/app to write my novel and you are using ellipsus. Is it good?

It's somewhat lacking in formatting options, but other than that I'm satisfied. I get to write on both my computer and phone and everything stays synced, and it's not google.

 

[Nevafrost]

It's somewhat lacking in formatting options, but other than that I'm satisfied. I get to write on both my computer and phone and everything stays synced, and it's not google.

Woah! Sounds perfect for me. I have been looking for smth like this. Thanks!