Feedback to new author

[HydraScribe_1]

Hello I'm a new author here, and I’d really love some feedback on my story.
Thanks

Villainess of Stolen Destinies

Lilithra’s story should have ended on Earth. One moment she was a tired young woman with a life going nowhere, and the next she was waking up in the dying body of a succubus villainess — a girl whose fate had already been sealed long before she arrived. The original...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Ellie_in_Pink]

Hi!

So I've been studying the first chapter. And there's a ton you do really well. You know how to concisely use language. You show instead of telling. You publish chapters with a high degree of polish. It actually took me a while to figure out what was missing, which is high praise. But I did figure out a few things that would help you with your story, since you wanted feedback. And I always spend more time on constructive criticism because I imagine that writers want feedback that will help them improve.

The first problem is that you don't quite show enough of some vital things. It takes probably over a dozen paragraphs for you to create any sort of setting for us to imagine. Which I get as part of "waking up" in a new world. But you're working in a third-person perspective. It seems like the narrator should be able to tell us at least a little about what we're seeing. But we stay mostly blind. When I continued through the chapter, I felt like the problem didn't improve much. I frequently felt blind to what was happening to the character, while knowing too much about how the character's body was feeling.

The next problem is pacing. Your sentences stay short. Your paragraphs are only a sentence long, more often than not. That works really well for pacing and emphasis when you have variation. Having a short paragraph between regular ones keeps everything fresh. But when it's the norm, with little variation, that effect is lost. It ends up reading as all long paragraphs, with too much space for my eyes to have to pass over between each sentence. Making everything feel like the same slow pace.

Next, I don't feel like I'm learning anything about who the protagonist is as a person. I love erotica. But even if this genre, it loses effect if I know more about the protag being turned on than ... literally anything about who she is. I don't think you need to exposit everything, and especially not all at once. But you let her see into her thoughts, anyways. Surely, she would be thinking more about how she feels about the situation. About the life she left behind. About her wants or fears or insecurities. (Not all necessary, just as possible ideas.)

Last, it feels like nothing happens in the chapter. I'm not being literal, she does listen and observe. But it never feels like there's a problem that the protag needs to solve. So she never performs a single action to push the story forward. She feels like ... just a confused (and thus confusing) camera into a sort of vignette in another world. Which, especially in a first chapter, doesn't function as an effective hook.

Anyways, I sincerely hope these tips help you.
Best of luck!

 

[HydraScribe_1]

Hi!

So I've been studying the first chapter. And there's a ton you do really well. You know how to concisely use language. You show instead of telling. You publish chapters with a high degree of polish. It actually took me a while to figure out what was missing, which is high praise. But I did figure out a few things that would help you with your story, since you wanted feedback. And I always spend more time on constructive criticism because I imagine that writers want feedback that will help them improve.

The first problem is that you don't quite show enough of some vital things. It takes probably over a dozen paragraphs for you to create any sort of setting for us to imagine. Which I get as part of "waking up" in a new world. But you're working in a third-person perspective. It seems like the narrator should be able to tell us at least a little about what we're seeing. But we stay mostly blind. When I continued through the chapter, I felt like the problem didn't improve much. I frequently felt blind to what was happening to the character, while knowing too much about how the character's body was feeling.

The next problem is pacing. Your sentences stay short. Your paragraphs are only a sentence long, more often than not. That works really well for pacing and emphasis when you have variation. Having a short paragraph between regular ones keeps everything fresh. But when it's the norm, with little variation, that effect is lost. It ends up reading as all long paragraphs, with too much space for my eyes to have to pass over between each sentence. Making everything feel like the same slow pace.

Next, I don't feel like I'm learning anything about who the protagonist is as a person. I love erotica. But even if this genre, it loses effect if I know more about the protag being turned on than ... literally anything about who she is. I don't think you need to exposit everything, and especially not all at once. But you let her see into her thoughts, anyways. Surely, she would be thinking more about how she feels about the situation. About the life she left behind. About her wants or fears or insecurities. (Not all necessary, just as possible ideas.)

Last, it feels like nothing happens in the chapter. I'm not being literal, she does listen and observe. But it never feels like there's a problem that the protag needs to solve. So she never performs a single action to push the story forward. She feels like ... just a confused (and thus confusing) camera into a sort of vignette in another world. Which, especially in a first chapter, doesn't function as an effective hook.

Anyways, I sincerely hope these tips help you.
Best of luck!

Great! thats exactly what i wanted tbh. As I said Im very novice as an author (Literally the most i did was translating two novels lol). So i said i was moving in blind lmao.
Imma call the problems pointed out 1-4.
For 2 and 3. I have (i believe) fixed the issue in the upcoming chapters unconsciously. As you might notice (if you kept reading, if you found it interesting lol) even if it was erotic there barely anything related to it, till one chapter when she stole an opportunity.
for 1, Uhhh it is basically my major issue (im still trying to fix it but sometimes it bleeds and i get stuck in it)
for 4, i honestly not sure how mitigate it, bc as you said chapter 1 i sorta made it be as 'im alive, and confused' feeling. so im kinda not sure if it is a recurrent or only chat1 issue.
Anyway, thank you veryyyy much
Best of luck to you too <3

 

[Ellie_in_Pink]

That's great! I do recommend redrafting your first chapter with what you've learned. Just because it will help you hook readers, so they give you a chance. Feel free to let me know when you do, if you'd like any more feedback.

 

[HydraScribe_1]

That's great! I do recommend redrafting your first chapter with what you've learned. Just because it will help you hook readers, so they give you a chance. Feel free to let me know when you do, if you'd like any more feedback.

oh? so you suggest to redraft it instead? I honestly though i should leave it as is as to not confused others but I believe redrafting might be a better solution then hoping new readers will give the read a few more chapters... Thanks again
Ps: I will reply to you here when im done. Finishing posting the last few chapters of the current arc in my patre0n then will start doing it fresh

 

[HydraScribe_1]

That's great! I do recommend redrafting your first chapter with what you've learned. Just because it will help you hook readers, so they give you a chance. Feel free to let me know when you do, if you'd like any more feedback.

I just did a low to medium edit to ch1. If you are still interested on checking it out.
What I focused on: I tried to adding more thoughts, and more grounding, physical 'touch' to the narrative and pacing. please let me know if these problems are still visible <3

 

[Ellie_in_Pink]

Sounds good. Of course, I'm sure you'll want to do a full edit to work out more of the changes you want to make. So I'll just focus in what has definitely been improved and what hasn't.

1. Readability.

You pulled together the paragraphs, varied them in length, and made this SO much more readable. The pacing has drastically improved over where it was.

2. Sensory info.

Once again, the edits have put this draft at a whole different level. I now feel like there's a tangible scene that I can imagine. Because you add more sensory detail, I feel like I'm learning more about the character. Which helps with two of the problems you were really struggling with before.

3. Action

This is still your weakest point, though it will be a bit more work. The character still doesn't really do anything. Which, again, makes for a particularly weak hook. And it also makes your protag seem not-quite fleshed out. As in, readers won't feel they know her much until we see her actions. My advice, throw a wrench into the intro. Maybe have someone barge in when she least expects us. Doing so, even if it isn't essential, will show us something important:

Is the protag we are thinking of investing our time to get to know the sort of person who would hide? Is she competent enough to do that well? Or will she just be standing there, stunned stammering? Or is she charismatic and have the wherewithal to bluff her way through it? Or is she in a body that will turn the situation into something unexpected? And how will she feel about what unexpected thing the body does?

We get all that from something so simple as someone walking into the room. Or any number of little hiccups, really. It doesn't even need to be a long or drawn out encounter. Just try to find something that isn't convenient happen to the protagonist at just the wrong time, and your hook will benefit tremendously for it.

 

[HydraScribe_1]

Sounds good. Of course, I'm sure you'll want to do a full edit to work out more of the changes you want to make. So I'll just focus in what has definitely been improved and what hasn't.

1. Readability.

You pulled together the paragraphs, varied them in length, and made this SO much more readable. The pacing has drastically improved over where it was.

2. Sensory info.

Once again, the edits have put this draft at a whole different level. I now feel like there's a tangible scene that I can imagine. Because you add more sensory detail, I feel like I'm learning more about the character. Which helps with two of the problems you were really struggling with before.

3. Action

This is still your weakest point, though it will be a bit more work. The character still doesn't really do anything. Which, again, makes for a particularly weak hook. And it also makes your protag seem not-quite fleshed out. As in, readers won't feel they know her much until we see her actions. My advice, throw a wrench into the intro. Maybe have someone barge in when she least expects us. Doing so, even if it isn't essential, will show us something important:

Is the protag we are thinking of investing our time to get to know the sort of person who would hide? Is she competent enough to do that well? Or will she just be standing there, stunned stammering? Or is she charismatic and have the wherewithal to bluff her way through it? Or is she in a body that will turn the situation into something unexpected? And how will she feel about what unexpected thing the body does?

We get all that from something so simple as someone walking into the room. Or any number of little hiccups, really. It doesn't even need to be a long or drawn out encounter. Just try to find something that isn't convenient happen to the protagonist at just the wrong time, and your hook will benefit tremendously for it.

wow this is soo much detailed that im shocked and happy at same time.
Thank you for spending time from your precious day to view it again. I especially liked that idea of someone walking in. As to not break the established narrative (since the next 4 chapters are mostly about the hook and her own action.) i will add a maid who steps in, just a few lines of action/ reaction. Thanks again <3