feedback/review swap anyone

[NOTkaosin21]

I am actually getting sent to my dashboard so can you please send me the story link instead

Cultivator’s Second Life in another World

What lies the end of the road of cultivation? Absolute boredom. Yang Feng, the ancestor of the Great Heavens Sect, stood at the pinnacle of the Earth and Heavens. Having achieved the Immortal God Emperor realm, he felt at a loss for the first time in his life. No more...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Zenomew]

Cultivator’s Second Life in another World

What lies the end of the road of cultivation? Absolute boredom. Yang Feng, the ancestor of the Great Heavens Sect, stood at the pinnacle of the Earth and Heavens. Having achieved the Immortal God Emperor realm, he felt at a loss for the first time in his life. No more...

www.scribblehub.com

I hope my chapter wise feedback helped

 

[unlaumy]

Several things I noticed. Specifically on the narration and clarity issues.

A questionable usage of parentheses.
I usually frown on the usage of parentheses in a first person POV, but I understand the freedom of stylistic choice, and the urge to experiment, so I won't ask you to not do it. But there are several instances I saw where such usage were terrible, even going as far as lowering your story quality.

A certain paragraph:

Cyrus is a friend whom I’ve known since childhood. (I mean, I’ve known him since he was a baby. Now that you mention it, I also knew his father since he was a baby… and his grandfather as my ex-bo… I mean, good friend.)

You would have fared better if the parentheses were never there. In fact, that would make the narrator (Fiona) have more personality—than the currently no-context and detailless narration which is already raised by other users before me.


The portrayal of Cyrus' muteness and others.
It doesn't seem there's any different of the way you narrate his disability compared to other character. It's just [I said/she said] and [he signed]. And I don't mean to say "oh, he must look special, because he's different," I just think you can make make it more interesting. This includes other characters too by the way. The dialogue tags are filler, sometimes you can just delete them altogether, instantly making the dialogues better, or sometimes you need more description than merely "I swallowed", "her expression darkened", etc.


Confusing dash lines.
These things always appear. But I'm sorry, please be consistent.

---------------------———————————--

---

---------------------———————————-----------------------———————————--

So like why? Is there any particular reason (which us readers seems not allowed to know) as for why they have different weight? Why one is just three dashes while others longer? Different time spent? Or something?

They are meaningless noise, making the transitions worse than they're supposed to. And not only that, you also use the same dash lines for perspective changes, which makes it even more confusing.


AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING.
I hate LitRPG, but your story main page claims the genre is in the story, and after reading it until the latest chapter, I don't seem to find any LitRPG?

 

[Zenomew]

Several things I noticed. Specifically on the narration and clarity issues.

A questionable usage of parentheses.
I usually frown on the usage of parentheses in a first person POV, but I understand the freedom of stylistic choice, and the urge to experiment, so I won't ask you to not do it. But there are several instances I saw where such usage were terrible, even going as far as lowering your story quality.

A certain paragraph:

You would have fared better if the parentheses were never there. In fact, that would make the narrator (Fiona) have more personality—than the currently no-context and detailless narration which is already raised by other users before me.


The portrayal of Cyrus' muteness and others.
It doesn't seem there's any different of the way you narrate his disability compared to other character. It's just [I said/she said] and [he signed]. And I don't mean to say "oh, he must look special, because he's different," I just think you can make make it more interesting. This includes other characters too by the way. The dialogue tags are filler, sometimes you can just delete them altogether, instantly making the dialogues better, or sometimes you need more description than merely "I swallowed", "her expression darkened", etc.


Confusing dash lines.
These things always appear. But I'm sorry, please be consistent.



So like why? Is there any particular reason (which us readers seems not allowed to know) as for why they have different weight? Why one is just three dashes while others longer? Different time spent? Or something?

They are meaningless noise, making the transitions worse than they're supposed to. And not only that, you also use the same dash lines for perspective changes, which makes it even more confusing.


AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING.
I hate LitRPG, but your story main page claims the genre is in the story, and after reading it until the latest chapter, I don't seem to find any LitRPG?

I am poking fun of the lit rpg gerne you see this whole rpg thing is basically a illusion

The exp is actually souls of those you have slain getting absorbed into you

The status screen is a just the brain trying to make sense of the information obtained by certain analysts or appraiser only

And level up is the body adapting itself to contain the power

Fun fact the big evil forbidden magic Vosla is actually that natural exp phenomenon that a certain necromancer figure out how to harness as a spell and cheat her way to higher levels

The problem is that this rpg is hardwired into all mages and priests by the gods and your average human has no idea of such stuff which is why it does not appear so much in the story

There are signs though like spell names fire 1 ,ice 1,ice 2


Getting stronger after absorbing vosla

Cyrus' muteness is a joke on the silent protagonist in jrpg games like how the main character in the game doesn't talk at all but everyone seems to understand him and talk to him normally

that is also the function of the litrpg in the world where everyone speaks English and can use sign language

The line breaks are mentioned to segregate the story honestly there is no insert line option in the mobile version so I use this don't really pay attention to it

I will try to improve the first chapter thanks for pointing that out