Feedback on opening excerpt (~700 words)

[Lufli]

Hi everyone! I’m currently working on improving my writing, especially immersion and “show vs. tell." I’ve been told my prose can feel a bit too “told” and not immersive enough, so I’d love feedback with that focus in mind. Any notes on what pulls you in (or breaks immersion) would be really appreciated. Thanks!

----

Levin looked at his sister standing in front of him. He bit his lower lip; his throat tightened. She stared back with watery eyes and a set jaw. Her hands were clenched so hard her knuckles had gone white.

To catch her gaze, Levin ducked just as her eyes dropped to the floor. With a tap on her shoulder, he said, “Don’t worry. We trained together, remember?”
“I’m not worried,” she replied, too fast. “I know you’re the strongest.”

Levin nodded.

“Then I’d better be.” He looked around, counting possible exits, the people sitting quietly, shivering or crying, and the few standing beside them, holding hands or tapping shoulders.

“Remember what I taught you about hide and seek. Today you’ve gotta hide really well, okay?” Levin held his clenched fist in front of her. She blinked at it, then at him, and finally bumped it with her own.

Levin stood and turned at once, facing the wooden door several meters ahead.

“It’s you first. Always.” His head only turned halfway as he left the room in big steps. A few young men and some young women followed. Before he could even close the door behind him, a sound cracked--half sigh, half sob.

He lowered his head and started counting every insect he saw crawling or digging. For a moment, he thought about grabbing her and running.
“Let’s do this!” a big man said, slapping Levin’s back. “This is your coming-of-age ceremony. Let’s drink some liquor afterwards, yeah?” A crooked smile spread across his face.

Levin let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding.

“Watch your strength, bastard. I like my spine.” Levin said, squinting. The man leaned back, chin pressed to his chest, and tapped his temple with one finger. He laughed with the other men around him. The few women only chuckled, at most.

They’re laughing again. Is this what I’m staying here for? Levin thought.

“Quit playing around. Do you not understand the situation we’re in?” The elder stood maybe a dozen meters away. His gray hair reflected the light of the three moons. His brows were pressed together, wrinkles making him look older than he probably was. “Especially you, Reo. You should be standing beside me instead of cracking jokes.”

The man near Levin, Reo, stepped forward. He picked up his axe from beside the door frame and swung it onto his shoulder. The impact alone made Levin’s hair jump. From behind, Reo’s shoulders looked broad enough to carry the world. His head almost reached the roofs of the surrounding houses.

Huts, really.

Still, Levin couldn’t remember ever seeing anyone as big as Reo.
“What if it was a false signal? Then everyone panicked for noth—” Reo started, but the elder cut him off.

“There are no false signals. How many times does this have to happen before you understand?” His brows dropped for a moment. “Stay sharp, Levin. We can’t afford mistakes.”

A cold jolt tore through Levin’s body, like an itch crawling from under his feet up into his skull.

His hair rose all over. His eyes widened.

“They’re here,” he said. “The Stream changed.”

“Everyone, arms!” the elder snapped. “Protect the host!”

In under a second, people scattered. Weapons vanished from beside the door. Levin grabbed the daggers at his hips and sharpened his gaze.

In the sky, strings and spheres of light appeared. Levin’s breath tightened. His eyes started to burn so badly that he wanted to rub them out. The water that had threatened to spill a moment ago evaporated.

He whipped his head around.

Then he froze.

Ahead of him, blue strings formed like they were being pulled out of nothing. They gathered into thicker bands and poured down like snakes. The same thing happened in two more spots, one to the right and one to the left.

Only the elder and Reo stayed near him, watching with tight eyes.
Levin turned to them. “Three. One straight ahead. One west. One east.”

 

[Eldoria]

Overall, the narrative is better than before. The pacing is quite smooth. However, there are some notes that could be improved:

“Quit playing around. Do you not understand the situation we’re in?” The elder stood maybe a dozen meters away. His gray hair reflected the light of the three moons. His brows were pressed together, wrinkles making him look older than he probably was. “Especially you, Reo. You should be standing beside me instead of cracking jokes.”

The paragraph is still quite long. It could be cut into two paragraphs (1-3 sentences per paragraph).

He whipped his head around.

Then he froze.

These two sentences can be combined into one paragraph. Then, you can add "..." (read: triple dot) below the paragraph to make the reader pause for thought along with the MC. This creates a sense of breath, as if the MC is frozen in place.

Finally, this scene is character-heavy. Readers can lose focus if you don't provide transitions and markers between characters.

You should focus on a few key characters in the crowd. Focus on the characters who interact with the MC. It's also helpful if these characters were introduced in previous chapters to build character recognition.

If not, you can provide identifying markers that differentiate the characters, such as hair color, eye color, nicknames, social status, etc.Good luck.

Regards.

 

[Lufli]

Overall, the narrative is better than before. The pacing is quite smooth. However, there are some notes that could be improved:


The paragraph is still quite long. It could be cut into two paragraphs (1-3 sentences per paragraph).


These two sentences can be combined into one paragraph. Then, you can add "..." (read: triple dot) below the paragraph to make the reader pause for thought along with the MC. This creates a sense of breath, as if the MC is frozen in place.

Finally, this scene is character-heavy. Readers can lose focus if you don't provide transitions and markers between characters.

You should focus on a few key characters in the crowd. Focus on the characters who interact with the MC. It's also helpful if these characters were introduced in previous chapters to build character recognition.

If not, you can provide identifying markers that differentiate the characters, such as hair color, eye color, nicknames, social status, etc.Good luck.

Regards.

Appreciate it! This helps more than you think ?

 

[MFontana]

Hi everyone! I’m currently working on improving my writing, especially immersion and “show vs. tell." I’ve been told my prose can feel a bit too “told” and not immersive enough, so I’d love feedback with that focus in mind. Any notes on what pulls you in (or breaks immersion) would be really appreciated. Thanks!

----

Levin looked at his sister standing in front of him. He bit his lower lip; his throat tightened. She stared back with watery eyes and a set jaw. Her hands were clenched so hard her knuckles had gone white.

To catch her gaze, Levin ducked just as her eyes dropped to the floor. With a tap on her shoulder, he said, “Don’t worry. We trained together, remember?”
“I’m not worried,” she replied, too fast. “I know you’re the strongest.”

Levin nodded.

“Then I’d better be.” He looked around, counting possible exits, the people sitting quietly, shivering or crying, and the few standing beside them, holding hands or tapping shoulders.

“Remember what I taught you about hide and seek. Today you’ve gotta hide really well, okay?” Levin held his clenched fist in front of her. She blinked at it, then at him, and finally bumped it with her own.

Levin stood and turned at once, facing the wooden door several meters ahead.

“It’s you first. Always.” His head only turned halfway as he left the room in big steps. A few young men and some young women followed. Before he could even close the door behind him, a sound cracked--half sigh, half sob.

He lowered his head and started counting every insect he saw crawling or digging. For a moment, he thought about grabbing her and running.
“Let’s do this!” a big man said, slapping Levin’s back. “This is your coming-of-age ceremony. Let’s drink some liquor afterwards, yeah?” A crooked smile spread across his face.

Levin let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding.

“Watch your strength, bastard. I like my spine.” Levin said, squinting. The man leaned back, chin pressed to his chest, and tapped his temple with one finger. He laughed with the other men around him. The few women only chuckled, at most.

They’re laughing again. Is this what I’m staying here for? Levin thought.

“Quit playing around. Do you not understand the situation we’re in?” The elder stood maybe a dozen meters away. His gray hair reflected the light of the three moons. His brows were pressed together, wrinkles making him look older than he probably was. “Especially you, Reo. You should be standing beside me instead of cracking jokes.”

The man near Levin, Reo, stepped forward. He picked up his axe from beside the door frame and swung it onto his shoulder. The impact alone made Levin’s hair jump. From behind, Reo’s shoulders looked broad enough to carry the world. His head almost reached the roofs of the surrounding houses.

Huts, really.

Still, Levin couldn’t remember ever seeing anyone as big as Reo.
“What if it was a false signal? Then everyone panicked for noth—” Reo started, but the elder cut him off.

“There are no false signals. How many times does this have to happen before you understand?” His brows dropped for a moment. “Stay sharp, Levin. We can’t afford mistakes.”

A cold jolt tore through Levin’s body, like an itch crawling from under his feet up into his skull.

His hair rose all over. His eyes widened.

“They’re here,” he said. “The Stream changed.”

“Everyone, arms!” the elder snapped. “Protect the host!”

In under a second, people scattered. Weapons vanished from beside the door. Levin grabbed the daggers at his hips and sharpened his gaze.

In the sky, strings and spheres of light appeared. Levin’s breath tightened. His eyes started to burn so badly that he wanted to rub them out. The water that had threatened to spill a moment ago evaporated.

He whipped his head around.

Then he froze.

Ahead of him, blue strings formed like they were being pulled out of nothing. They gathered into thicker bands and poured down like snakes. The same thing happened in two more spots, one to the right and one to the left.

Only the elder and Reo stayed near him, watching with tight eyes.
Levin turned to them. “Three. One straight ahead. One west. One east.”

Just skimmed over it real quick, and it already looks much better. The aesthetic and structure is clearly varied nicely, which does make the pacing flow more naturally.

After reading though; there are still several areas for improvement. El already hit on most of them, so I'll skip that for now. That said...

The opening here definitely has the feeling of an "In-Media-Res" opening, and hits well. It creates questions for the reader to answer, and promises those answers if they keep reading.

The interplay between Levin and his sister comes across a little choppy, but that's not necessarily a bad thing here. It helps to create a tense atmosphere between them that makes the reader wonder, which is very good for a hook.

You've got real stakes here, and tell the reader a lot about the characters, without explaining every little thing, while also creating a clear dynamic between them. Very good.

There's still plenty of room for polish still in the finer technical areas, but I'll tell ya a little not-so-secret secret. There is always room for polish and improvement, as long as you keep trying to get better, and keep honing your craft.

Compared to last time, though, you've more than succeeded at delivering a compelling hook, and interesting characters with a solid opening. I'm genuinely curious to see where the story goes from here, and would like to keep reading. (Which is exactly what an opening is supposed to make the reader feel.)