Lufli
Member
- Joined
- Jan 2, 2026
- Messages
- 62
- Points
- 18
Hello, kind people.
I'm currently writing a little story, but I'm not sure whether the direction I'm going in, both technically and storywise, is interesting, so that's what I want to hear from you as a subjective reader. If you want, you can also rate your enjoyment on a scale of 1 through 5. Thank you.
Oh, and don't cringe when you read the name; there's a reason he is called this.
I'm currently writing a little story, but I'm not sure whether the direction I'm going in, both technically and storywise, is interesting, so that's what I want to hear from you as a subjective reader. If you want, you can also rate your enjoyment on a scale of 1 through 5. Thank you.
Oh, and don't cringe when you read the name; there's a reason he is called this.
Prince opened his eyes, blinded by the rising sun. Its crimson rays illuminated his pale skin, turning every dancing dust particle into a grain of gold.
Then, a sudden, searing heat surged from his stomach to his throat. He rolled onto all fours and puked, the ground spinning away from him in a dizzying haze.
He could only stare as a thick, deep black liquid seeped from his mouth and stained the earth. It crept larger until it soaked Prince’s hands and knees.
When he finally tried to inhale, his breath came in a strangled wheeze. While fighting for air, he dropped back and clawed blindly at the dirt. At the same time, he crawled backward, away from the black stain, until his back hit something solid.
With his vision only half-restored, Prince groped through the dirt with trembling fingers. It was as if, quite literally, the heat had seeped from his body alongside that foul liquid.
“Tooth, where are you?”
My bones... He watched his shaking fingers scrape the dirt, but he felt absolutely nothing.
“Don’t... Leave... Me...,” he mumbled, barely aware of his own words.
Sunlight beat down on the clearing, warming the ground, yet his blood ran cold. With every passing second, Prince’s vision clarified. First, his focus fell on the dark spread, then his head whipped around.
No trace of the tooth.
Prince lay in a clearing, surrounded by tall, dark trees. For a moment, he just stared at the dirt underneath, but then he lifted his head, his teeth grinding together to fight the shivers.
The clattering of his teeth and his shivering both worsened, so he rolled his knees up and hugged them. He stayed in this fortress of his own making longer than he could count, watching the stain spread through the bushes and flood anthills on the ground.
Eventually, the slick started bubbling and steaming. It seemed to absorb the heat of the sun even more efficiently than Prince’s body could.
Then, a wet, rhythmic clicking broke the quiet of the clearing, accompanied by the dragging of something heavy along the dead leaves. Out of the shadows between the trees, a creature emerged. It had no eyes, only a pale, translucent carapace and limbs like jointed needles.
Its head whipped back and forth, twitching violently. The clicking grew louder after the creature’s head snapped towards Prince. His teeth still chattered.
Panic flared in his chest, a sudden spike of adrenaline that threatened to warm his blood.
Then Prince remembered. Rule number one. Stillness. But physical stillness wasn’t enough. To this thing, a beating heart was a beacon.
Prince squeezed his eyes shut. He unclenched his jaw, biting his tongue until he tasted copper just to force his mouth open. He ordered his muscles to go slack. Every primal instinct demanded that he shiver, to generate the heat needed to keep his organs alive, but he pushed the instincts down violently.
He embraced the cold he had woken up with, starving his own pulse.
A needle-like limb pierced the dirt mere inches from his foot. The creature towered over him. A foul, humid breath washed over his face, carrying the stench of rotting marrow.
Prince didn’t blink or breathe. He let the hypothermia take him, sinking into a dark, numb void. The creature lingered for an agonizing eternity. Its needle-legs hovered over his chest, searching for a heartbeat.
With a frustrated hiss, the creature turned away. Its blind focus shifted to the real anomaly in the clearing: the bubbling stain.
Prince dared to let a shallow sip of air past his lips as the creature approached the hot shadow. It lowered its head, sinking its mandibles into it.
The reaction came instantly.
The bubbling weakened. A horrifying screech tore through the clearing, cut short as the creature’s pale carapace turned into a sickening shade of blue.
Prince watched, paralyzed, as thick frost exploded across the monster’s shell. In mere seconds, the dark bile froze the massive beast solid from the inside out. The creature collapsed, its brittle legs giving way, and shattered as it hit the dirt.
Then, a sudden, searing heat surged from his stomach to his throat. He rolled onto all fours and puked, the ground spinning away from him in a dizzying haze.
He could only stare as a thick, deep black liquid seeped from his mouth and stained the earth. It crept larger until it soaked Prince’s hands and knees.
When he finally tried to inhale, his breath came in a strangled wheeze. While fighting for air, he dropped back and clawed blindly at the dirt. At the same time, he crawled backward, away from the black stain, until his back hit something solid.
With his vision only half-restored, Prince groped through the dirt with trembling fingers. It was as if, quite literally, the heat had seeped from his body alongside that foul liquid.
“Tooth, where are you?”
My bones... He watched his shaking fingers scrape the dirt, but he felt absolutely nothing.
“Don’t... Leave... Me...,” he mumbled, barely aware of his own words.
Sunlight beat down on the clearing, warming the ground, yet his blood ran cold. With every passing second, Prince’s vision clarified. First, his focus fell on the dark spread, then his head whipped around.
No trace of the tooth.
Prince lay in a clearing, surrounded by tall, dark trees. For a moment, he just stared at the dirt underneath, but then he lifted his head, his teeth grinding together to fight the shivers.
The clattering of his teeth and his shivering both worsened, so he rolled his knees up and hugged them. He stayed in this fortress of his own making longer than he could count, watching the stain spread through the bushes and flood anthills on the ground.
Eventually, the slick started bubbling and steaming. It seemed to absorb the heat of the sun even more efficiently than Prince’s body could.
Then, a wet, rhythmic clicking broke the quiet of the clearing, accompanied by the dragging of something heavy along the dead leaves. Out of the shadows between the trees, a creature emerged. It had no eyes, only a pale, translucent carapace and limbs like jointed needles.
Its head whipped back and forth, twitching violently. The clicking grew louder after the creature’s head snapped towards Prince. His teeth still chattered.
Panic flared in his chest, a sudden spike of adrenaline that threatened to warm his blood.
Then Prince remembered. Rule number one. Stillness. But physical stillness wasn’t enough. To this thing, a beating heart was a beacon.
Prince squeezed his eyes shut. He unclenched his jaw, biting his tongue until he tasted copper just to force his mouth open. He ordered his muscles to go slack. Every primal instinct demanded that he shiver, to generate the heat needed to keep his organs alive, but he pushed the instincts down violently.
He embraced the cold he had woken up with, starving his own pulse.
A needle-like limb pierced the dirt mere inches from his foot. The creature towered over him. A foul, humid breath washed over his face, carrying the stench of rotting marrow.
Prince didn’t blink or breathe. He let the hypothermia take him, sinking into a dark, numb void. The creature lingered for an agonizing eternity. Its needle-legs hovered over his chest, searching for a heartbeat.
With a frustrated hiss, the creature turned away. Its blind focus shifted to the real anomaly in the clearing: the bubbling stain.
Prince dared to let a shallow sip of air past his lips as the creature approached the hot shadow. It lowered its head, sinking its mandibles into it.
The reaction came instantly.
The bubbling weakened. A horrifying screech tore through the clearing, cut short as the creature’s pale carapace turned into a sickening shade of blue.
Prince watched, paralyzed, as thick frost exploded across the monster’s shell. In mere seconds, the dark bile froze the massive beast solid from the inside out. The creature collapsed, its brittle legs giving way, and shattered as it hit the dirt.
