Feedback on a slowburn Science Fiction.

[MindFudge]

Looking for a kind soul who can give some honest opinions on my story.
Kinda difficult to continue without confirmation that people like the story.
Thanks!

Children of the Void [Cosmic Dark Fantasy]

Updates: 1 to 2 chapters per week. He was born marked, condemned as a failure by his clan. In a world shaped by the Void, where the strongest can bend reality with a single breath, Ritzo Tenshiro was powerless. All he had was a sister who could kill without hesitation, and secrets...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[rvie]

Looking for a kind soul who can give some honest opinions on my story.
Kinda difficult to continue without confirmation that people like the story.
Thanks!

Children of the Void [Cosmic Dark Fantasy]

Updates: 1 to 2 chapters per week. He was born marked, condemned as a failure by his clan. In a world shaped by the Void, where the strongest can bend reality with a single breath, Ritzo Tenshiro was powerless. All he had was a sister who could kill without hesitation, and secrets...

www.scribblehub.com

hello i dont mean to be rude but why did you made your format a manga version?, it is hard for me to rate it or well it just not good if you're trying to create a novel you should read some others works and get idea from how the formatting works if you wanted your work to be known, i read quite a few i stopped at 4 chapters the pacing is fast. overall 4.2/10

 

[MindFudge]

hello i dont mean to be rude but why did you made your format a manga version?, it is hard for me to rate it or well it just not good if you're trying to create a novel you should read some others works and get idea from how the formatting works if you wanted your work to be known, i read quite a few i stopped at 4 chapters the pacing is fast. overall 4.2/10

Hi, thanks for your time!

The formatting (line breaks, poetic tone and so on) is the way i write in general. Iv tried the paragraph thing since school days but i cant do them??‍. I also know that some LN's use the same formatting.

I do agree with the pacing, it is very fast. Volume 1 is fast paced.

Im not sure how i can make the formatting better for a general audience though

 

[MindFudge]

I was not mocking you but just pointing out that basically in SH, readers mostly prefer "slop" and not serious stories. Especially slow ones.

(plz can you delete the death skull? sorry if i annoyed you, it wasnt my attention)

ps : It was a reference to the anime "No game no life"

Ooh no no i get it. I thought the skull emoji was a better laugh emoji...

Or at least it was in 2023...
No game no life still haunts my soul.

 

[MindFudge]

Ty! ?

Anyway, i tried chap1
and line breaks, is very problematic. Its a big turn off.
If it was just that, it could be edited (by human or AI to simply stick together). But then there is the poetry. Which is makes things even worse.
90% potential readers (SH) are already turned off by serious-style title/summary but add this 2 flaws in the mix and its likely wont succeed unless a miracle.

No matter the plot, there is no point to it if no one even taste-try it.



PS: Worse of all, is that people could think its AI writing.

Everything u mentioned is the actual issue. I post on royal road and scribble (who are a similar audience) but i like the line breaks and poetic prose. I write as i imagine.

Like u said i could edit it to be normal. Maybe i should for scribble hub. But then its not my story...

yare yare daze...

Ty! ?

Anyway, i tried chap1
and line breaks, is very problematic. Its a big turn off.
If it was just that, it could be edited (by human or AI to simply stick together). But then there is the poetry. Which is makes things even worse.
90% potential readers (SH) are already turned off by serious-style title/summary but add this 2 flaws in the mix and its likely wont succeed unless a miracle.

No matter the plot, there is no point to it if no one even taste-try it.



PS: Worse of all, is that people could think its AI writing.

And the ai thing is also a problem. I tried getting the story reviewed in this thread but they accused me of ai. I have loke 200 versions of this story on my notion app. It is NOT ai. Hurts to be accused

 

[MindFudge]

Its like food.

No matter how "good" the creator feels about it, if they dont try to suit the needs of the audience then its natural to fail.
Yes it wont be anymore your story (or food/icecream) but its better than closing down, right ? As long the "core" is still there, its still your story.
Also what you are doing is far far too niche of a style. Its no longer pineapple pizza but pineapple curry pizza. Each are good by itself but fusion all 3 and of course its a recipe for disaster (in sales).

Hmm i see. Thanks for your advice , i think i fully get it. I think ill continue to type with the line breaks. Then convert it to paragraph style while keeping some white spacing. Like this:

"Nature has no principles; she makes no distinction between good and evil."

Year: Unknown

Nature is cruel. Unfeeling. It nurtures nothing. It feeds only the strong and forgets the rest.
We fought. We bled. We broke. And in the end, we remained prey. They came, humanoids cloaked in the devouring silence of the Void.
They were not conquerors.
Not even invaders.
But a cataclysm wrapped in flesh. Their war was not for land. It was for absence. They called it Void Walking…



Its not even the full format and it just hurts to look at?

Its like food.

No matter how "good" the creator feels about it, if they dont try to suit the needs of the audience then its natural to fail.
Yes it wont be anymore your story (or food/icecream) but its better than closing down, right ? As long the "core" is still there, its still your story.
Also what you are doing is far far too niche of a style. Its no longer pineapple pizza but pineapple curry pizza. Each are good by itself but fusion all 3 and of course its a recipe for disaster (in sales).

Pineapple curry pizza is an abomination. Sorry i had to get that off my mind.