Feedback for my novel (Multiple-lead )

[unknownking]

Hey, as I stated earlier I wanted to ask if someone could give me some feedback on my novel, especially for my first chapter since it's the most important one. I've been uploading here for a while and have been wondering why most readers stopped after my first chapter and what they didn't like about it.
At this point, it may even sound embarrassing but I've been uploading here bc of my one and only reader I've got, who seems to be enjoying my story XD.
I admit it isn't perfect and a bit rushed when it comes to how the siblings' act since people wouldn't recover from it so fast, but I wouldn't say that it's complete trash.^^
Any feedback no matter if harsh or not are welcomed^^

Lost souls: Road to Godhood. (old version) - 1. Teleportation | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[tiaf]

Uhh, I would say it's boring ._.

Too many characters at once, too much happening at once. Some generic cause for the misfortune (blabla local official wants fame mob). It's not bad, but it's not very innovative, you know?

I read it with not so much expectations, but I couldn't get into it (blame it on my short intention span)

Maybe it's also your sentence structure and pacing? It feels repetitive and the sentences are cluttered with too much information. Like, I think the is a follow-up description to what you just wrote but then a new topic started. I don't know where to let the information seep in.

You completely lost me when more than 4 names appeared in the span of two paragraphs.

Imagine someone, let me call that one John, tells you a story of last weeks event (may it be a party, meeting, or just a random talk with he granny in the supermarket)
You were not present. You don't know where the event happened, heck, you don't even know what event it was because you joined in the middle of the narration (the reader is thrown into the burndown of some village)

And then John tells you that Mary did this with Lena while the passerby family was fighting with their crying baby. You don't know Mary, nor do you know Lena. John just threw in the names and told you they were some family acquaintances. John left that introduction in the room.

Then he describes and assures you that everyone was hella annoyed by the crying baby, but in fact, you don't care and don't feel annoyed because your perception is detached from the events as you already forgot what the event was about since it was only briefly touched, and my gosh, who are Mary and Lena??

You're lost, right??


My brain, with the average attention span of a daily internet addict who doesn't sleep enough, was experiencing that when I read the chapter. Ok, I gonna be honest, I didn't finish.

It's not even that your writing is bad. Only minor grammar and vocabs everyone knows.
But yeah, nothing striking out to make it worth reading it further.

Take my advice with a grain of salt as I'm tired and might have misunderstood a lot.