Feedback for feedback

[ModernGold7ne]

I've been writing for a while, however, my opinion is the only one I have, I want to know if my story is up to par and would appreciate feedback from anyone, I'm also willing to give feedback to anyone that needs it.

Story link: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/300559/a-strange-soul/

Why the hiatus?(for anyone curious)
My computer got wrecked last year, wasn't comfortable writing on phone, recently gained access to a computer.

 

[Florestes]

Break down some of the longer sentences into multiple ones. (Like, the really, really, really, fucking really damn long sentences. The English language doesn't like them that long.)
It's hard to notice the switch between 3rd person text and her inner monologue without some '*`’‘. Really, any kind of additional sign would be nice for easier reading.

CH 1

1.Why exactly did The System want to communicate with the soul? It didn't get any additional information except for his name. So, it could have just used one way text boxes for this and get the same result far easier.


2.Change the "being raped" in the last bit of the chapter to something more afflicting the whole being, not just an asshole. (Boiled alive? Burned on a stake? Dissolved in acid? Maybe.. connect back to how he died? He feels like being shot a million times each passing moment?)


P.S. Honestly, this "System" feels very unusual, not as mechanical as a System is usually presented to be. Eh, why not? This can be a thing too.


CH 2

1."an air-piercing shriek that was so thrilling it could scare away predators" ?? thrilling ??That's not the right word for your sentence.

2."when she saw the bright exit, she rushed through and accidentally flung herself over a cliff, into the forest below" … Ok…that development happened way, way too fast, and out of nowhere. Maybe describe her state of mind a bit more. Is she high from mana and not thinking straight? You've just said that she remembers her long life more clearly, but only a few sentences later, she rushes into the light like a blind rabbit? So… Is she a wise old man in a young body or just a clueless newborn?

3."I’m sure I would’ve looked like one of those happy-go-lucky retards." Kuhum!! You simply jump into a fog covered lake without spending a minute to check for monsters that can eat your tiny ass!!! You ARE a fucking retard!! Don't deny the obvious, MC!!!

...Yeah, add more text to the reflection part of the chapter, explain in more detail that she did all those stupid thing because she wholeheartedly knew that it would be fine. Or maybe you can mention it a bit earlier? To me, the MC seems a bit too unsteady right now.

P.S.

If you are ok with this style of feedback, just leave a reply and I'll try to read the other chapters tomorrow. It's already night over here.?

And If you do want more of my shitty feedback, I'll ask you to read a couple of my chapters too.?

 

[ModernGold7ne]

Break down some of the longer sentences into multiple ones. (Like, the really, really, really, fucking really damn long sentences. The English language doesn't like them that long.)
It's hard to notice the switch between 3rd person text and her inner monologue without some '*`’‘. Really, any kind of additional sign would be nice for easier reading.

CH 1

1.Why exactly did The System want to communicate with the soul? It didn't get any additional information except for his name. So, it could have just used one way text boxes for this and get the same result far easier.


2.Change the "being raped" in the last bit of the chapter to something more afflicting the whole being, not just an asshole. (Boiled alive? Burned on a stake? Dissolved in acid? Maybe.. connect back to how he died? He feels like being shot a million times each passing moment?)


P.S. Honestly, this "System" feels very unusual, not as mechanical as a System is usually presented to be. Eh, why not? This can be a thing too.


CH 2

1."an air-piercing shriek that was so thrilling it could scare away predators" ?? thrilling ??That's not the right word for your sentence.

2."when she saw the bright exit, she rushed through and accidentally flung herself over a cliff, into the forest below" … Ok…that development happened way, way too fast, and out of nowhere. Maybe describe her state of mind a bit more. Is she high from mana and not thinking straight? You've just said that she remembers her long life more clearly, but only a few sentences later, she rushes into the light like a blind rabbit? So… Is she a wise old man in a young body or just a clueless newborn?

3."I’m sure I would’ve looked like one of those happy-go-lucky retards." Kuhum!! You simply jump into a fog covered lake without spending a minute to check for monsters that can eat your tiny ass!!! You ARE a fucking retard!! Don't deny the obvious, MC!!!

...Yeah, add more text to the reflection part of the chapter, explain in more detail that she did all those stupid thing because she wholeheartedly knew that it would be fine. Or maybe you can mention it a bit earlier? To me, the MC seems a bit too unsteady right now.

P.S.

If you are ok with this style of feedback, just leave a reply and I'll try to read the other chapters tomorrow. It's already night over here.?

And If you do want more of my shitty feedback, I'll ask you to read a couple of my chapters too.?

Yeah, I am fine with these kind of replies, honestly I'm currently working on rewriting my first three chapters, when I wrote them last year, I was quite impressed, my standards have risen since then, also thanks, I appreciate the feedback, it closely mirrors my current opinion.

 

[Florestes]

Yeah, I am fine with these kind of replies, honestly I'm currently working on rewriting my first three chapters, when I wrote them last year, I was quite impressed, my standards have risen since then, also thanks, I appreciate the feedback, it closely mirrors my current opinion.

I almost cringe to death from looking at my work a few weeks ago, and that's already an improvement from just being unable to look at the previous chapter. My first chapters are a dumpster fire.
BTW I'm just trying out this whole "writing" thing because I wanted to try it out, I'm NOT a writer.
I'll get to reading your story in the (edit...) done!... and if you have time give mine a glance (This link should be for chapter 41. Just a bit of your thoughts on this single chapter would do. More on the "POV Mitsuko", please.)

Devil’s deal (a prison school fanfic) - Chapter 41 New legends of Hachimitsu Academy. | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Florestes]

Lunch break!!

Chapter 3

Ummm... Hyper mature and intelligent 6 year-old kid? Ah, I get it, she is a genius.

""right now I’m cold, I CAN’T SEE and that damned system screwed me over!”" just literally 2-3 sentences prior to this, you had her look around and SEE the bird's corpse, turned puddle. Choose one: she can either see in the dark hole OR she is blind and had to fumble in the dark.

The rest is fine in mine opinion.

Chapter 4

At the very start I get a bit confused imagining this scene. She has her wings ready to fly, then she dodged some roots and now she isn't ready to fly. A few more dodged roots later she is ready to fly again, but now she is caged. .... Maybe her wings were damaged? She got knocked over? Tried to fly but failed due to the previous fight's injury? Or the cage was already in place but unnoticed by her up to this point? This would sound more believable because the flower is mind controlling her right now. Unless the roots are simply ultra fast, then ignore this section.

"whom" is used instead of "whose" 2 times.

Also ... "I keep forgetting, the others are not so different from mindless beasts, ruled by instincts with a brain whom capabilities are vast but functions limited…, fools."

You have just described how the HUNTER (not a scout or anything) observed a weakened new creature, spent a long time pondering what it was and building an elaborate story to tell to the most senior members of the group... That is 100% NOT a mindless beast description. I'd advise to dial down this phrasing a bit, because it gives off conflicting feelings reading the following interactions. OR do the opposite, make it xianxia level face slapping that shows his "I am God, you are all worms" attitude?

Sapience... Damn, a nasty thing to keep right.
(An easier one in FPS games: bot≠sapient, player controlled bot=sapient)
If the beasts can have a telepathic communication on a human level then I would say that they are sapient already. Damn, even dogs are believed to have a little grain of sapience and your things can tell embellished stories to one another!


Chapter 5

Ah, I see now, "a proper sapient", so the definitions are a bit adjusted to suit your story better... (Something like: lv 0=sentient, lv 1=sapient, lv 2=proper sapient). Good idea, different levels of intelligence for each rank. Good breeding ground for conflict? Some lv 1 are as good as lv 2 but are treated like cattle and go full Rambo in retaliation? Discrimination? Slavery? Alien social norms?

Chapter looks quite fine, I think.

 

[Florestes]

Chapter 6


The dialogue feels a bit... silly? And they both are unexpectedly trusting of eachother for no reason from the very start.. like two children interacting? Is that your intention?

Yup, definitely class/rank/level based discrimination is showing up very soon.

The System said that there is no religion, but souls are commonly perceived and interacted with. It lied? It didn't perceive them as religions? There really is no religion at all?

Fin...

Personally, I find the POV jumping after every 2 minutes very annoying. I'd say that you should try writing with 2-3 POV changes per chapter max. Try describing things as a 3rd person narration instead, maybe?

I... don't understand her priorities anymore. Ok, you want to survive in the forest but a big angry monster tells you to scram.

Show a bit more depth to her transition from "I'll live in a forest" to "I need to reach civilization at all costs". Especially now that she has info about the shitty nature of the outside world and knowing that she is a one of a kind new species.
Will there be nobles/merchants collecting the rarest things? Mages/alchemist that seek new components? Black markets? Children going "WTF is that miniature being? Can we keep it?" etc.
If you are playing the "old man in a young body" card then show some more workings behind his actions.
(and please don't make her brain dead.., there is enough shit written with brainless characters already OR make a believable excuse for her being brain dead)

 

[ModernGold7ne]

Chapter 6


The dialogue feels a bit... silly? And they both are unexpectedly trusting of eachother for no reason from the very start.. like two children interacting? Is that your intention?

Yup, definitely class/rank/level based discrimination is showing up very soon.

The System said that there is no religion, but souls are commonly perceived and interacted with. It lied? It didn't perceive them as religions? There really is no religion at all?

Fin...

Personally, I find the POV jumping after every 2 minutes very annoying. I'd say that you should try writing with 2-3 POV changes per chapter max. Try describing things as a 3rd person narration instead, maybe?

I... don't understand her priorities anymore. Ok, you want to survive in the forest but a big angry monster tells you to scram.

Show a bit more depth to her transition from "I'll live in a forest" to "I need to reach civilization at all costs". Especially now that she has info about the shitty nature of the outside world and knowing that she is a one of a kind new species.
Will there be nobles/merchants collecting the rarest things? Mages/alchemist that seek new components? Black markets? Children going "WTF is that miniature being? Can we keep it?" etc.
If you are playing the "old man in a young body" card then show some more workings behind his actions.
(and please don't make her brain dead.., there is enough shit written with brainless characters already OR make a believable excuse for her being brain dead)

I almost cringe to death from looking at my work a few weeks ago, and that's already an improvement from just being unable to look at the previous chapter. My first chapters are a dumpster fire.
BTW I'm just trying out this whole "writing" thing because I wanted to try it out, I'm NOT a writer.
I'll get to reading your story in the (edit...) done!... and if you have time give mine a glance (This link should be for chapter 41. Just a bit of your thoughts on this single chapter would do. More on the "POV Mitsuko", please.)

Devil’s deal (a prison school fanfic) - Chapter 41 New legends of Hachimitsu Academy. | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

I'll find some time to read your chapter later, I could use some examples of pov switching, and yeah I too am no professional, writing is a hobby of mind, the process, not the end result.

Lunch break!!

Chapter 3

Ummm... Hyper mature and intelligent 6 year-old kid? Ah, I get it, she is a genius.

""right now I’m cold, I CAN’T SEE and that damned system screwed me over!”" just literally 2-3 sentences prior to this, you had her look around and SEE the bird's corpse, turned puddle. Choose one: she can either see in the dark hole OR she is blind and had to fumble in the dark.

The rest is fine in mine opinion.

Chapter 4

At the very start I get a bit confused imagining this scene. She has her wings ready to fly, then she dodged some roots and now she isn't ready to fly. A few more dodged roots later she is ready to fly again, but now she is caged. .... Maybe her wings were damaged? She got knocked over? Tried to fly but failed due to the previous fight's injury? Or the cage was already in place but unnoticed by her up to this point? This would sound more believable because the flower is mind controlling her right now. Unless the roots are simply ultra fast, then ignore this section.

"whom" is used instead of "whose" 2 times.

Also ... "I keep forgetting, the others are not so different from mindless beasts, ruled by instincts with a brain whom capabilities are vast but functions limited…, fools."

You have just described how the HUNTER (not a scout or anything) observed a weakened new creature, spent a long time pondering what it was and building an elaborate story to tell to the most senior members of the group... That is 100% NOT a mindless beast description. I'd advise to dial down this phrasing a bit, because it gives off conflicting feelings reading the following interactions. OR do the opposite, make it xianxia level face slapping that shows his "I am God, you are all worms" attitude?

Sapience... Damn, a nasty thing to keep right.
(An easier one in FPS games: bot≠sapient, player controlled bot=sapient)
If the beasts can have a telepathic communication on a human level then I would say that they are sapient already. Damn, even dogs are believed to have a little grain of sapience and your things can tell embellished stories to one another!


Chapter 5

Ah, I see now, "a proper sapient", so the definitions are a bit adjusted to suit your story better... (Something like: lv 0=sentient, lv 1=sapient, lv 2=proper sapient). Good idea, different levels of intelligence for each rank. Good breeding ground for conflict? Some lv 1 are as good as lv 2 but are treated like cattle and go full Rambo in retaliation? Discrimination? Slavery? Alien social norms?

Chapter looks quite fine, I think.

Currently working on rewriting chapter 3, the beginning especially irked me, I'm not comfortable with the structuring, fyi I started rewriting chapter 3 first, so just remnant of the past, later I'm going to get to the other past.
I'm planting seeds to use later on, foreshadowing if you will, I'm trying to keep my plot organic.
And the end of chapter 3 isn't a very good basis for the transition to chapter 4, can't wait to rephrase it.
Apologies for the double quotations, no idea what happened.

Chapter 6


The dialogue feels a bit... silly? And they both are unexpectedly trusting of eachother for no reason from the very start.. like two children interacting? Is that your intention?

Yup, definitely class/rank/level based discrimination is showing up very soon.

The System said that there is no religion, but souls are commonly perceived and interacted with. It lied? It didn't perceive them as religions? There really is no religion at all?

Fin...

Personally, I find the POV jumping after every 2 minutes very annoying. I'd say that you should try writing with 2-3 POV changes per chapter max. Try describing things as a 3rd person narration instead, maybe?

I... don't understand her priorities anymore. Ok, you want to survive in the forest but a big angry monster tells you to scram.

Show a bit more depth to her transition from "I'll live in a forest" to "I need to reach civilization at all costs". Especially now that she has info about the shitty nature of the outside world and knowing that she is a one of a kind new species.
Will there be nobles/merchants collecting the rarest things? Mages/alchemist that seek new components? Black markets? Children going "WTF is that miniature being? Can we keep it?" etc.
If you are playing the "old man in a young body" card then show some more workings behind his actions.
(and please don't make her brain dead.., there is enough shit written with brainless characters already OR make a believable excuse for her being brain dead)

No intention of making her brain dead, though note, she is not all knowing and have her flaws, all her decisions aren't meant to make sense, she is mostly going with the flow, she didn't plan any of what she experienced, and no her priority to survive was never limited to the forest, it was a overall thing.
@Florestea I'll work more on the transitions and I'll get to your story later.
This thing isn't working well for me, the forum.

 

[Florestes]

Sure, @ModernGold7ne. Do things at your own pace. I'm also writing for my own interest (and because there were no interesting anime to watch) and my characters are making anime level sense (especially if I read my previous chapter a few days later and see how stupid it actually feels).
Work well!?

 

[ModernGold7ne]

thanks, and I read your chapter, specifically chapter 41, it's a mesh of first-person and third-person, I recommend making the latter dominant, as it is reading your chapter was like reading a script for one of those play's I used to partake in back in high school/primary school, the lack of third-person made things confusing, especially with there being no transitional phrases, I failed to visualize anything and Pov switch made no difference to me since it read the same, that type of style is meant to be followed by visual scenes, as it is, nothing made sense to me.
*Note* I haven't watched anime for over six years, so yeah, no idea what prison school is.

 

[Florestes]

reading your chapter was like reading a script for one of those play's I used to partake in back in high school/primary school

I do practically write only from 1st person, with very little 3rd person visualization of the settings, true.
I think this was intentionally done by me to get precisely that school play feeling.

*Note* I haven't watched anime for over six years, so yeah, no idea what prison school is.

Yeah, same for me. I probably watched it when it first aired.

Thanks for taking a look at this.

P.S.
I have put out a note twice at the very begging that this non-writer written "novel" is me practically typing with my ass on the keyboard and that people should read something better elsewhere.
I've got my bases covered!

 

[ModernGold7ne]

@Florestea no problem, though not a fan of fanfiction myself, nonetheless it was interesting, first time I ever saw that kind of style.