Feedback for Divine Puppets

[MintiLime]

Hello! First time writer here. I was wondering if you could check out my story:

Divine Puppets

Selling your soul may be the price of magic in fairytales, but your free will is much more valuable to the deities of Maharnak. After all, what could be more useful than slaves following your every command? Some people choose to willingly walk this path as one of the Holy...

www.scribblehub.com

I think my main issue might be the amount of dialogue right now. I was trying for a decent amount of exposition without info-dumping as a narrator. I also think that the first chapter (split into a ton of parts) might be a bit off putting since it’s fragmented into so many short scenes. My reasoning was that I really wanted to get our major players on the board first, with later chapters being more focused. I’m hoping to get more into the action as well… I decided to start my story before the whole evil plot thing is in place and rolling, which has caused a delay in the horror-ish aspects. Any feedback appreciated!

 

[Rockingashe]

I checked out your first chapter! I have to say it's interesting, but for me atleast it feels short, instead of having it in little shorts, have the first chapter be longer to introduce things.

Also, in the beginning I assumed that it would start out explaining the area around them, like what did the bar look like? What was it like outside, was it storming, or even having alittle bit of back story to guide the readers into the series and the world that you're creating.

I know that it seems like little things, I myself am guilty of the same thing. But I feel like if there were more in the first chapter it would be more captivating. You don't have to listen to anything I've said so far. Just one writer to another. I hope your series does good and that you have a great day!

 

[MintiLime]

I checked out your first chapter! I have to say it's interesting, but for me atleast it feels short, instead of having it in little shorts, have the first chapter be longer to introduce things.

Also, in the beginning I assumed that it would start out explaining the area around them, like what did the bar look like? What was it like outside, was it storming, or even having alittle bit of back story to guide the readers into the series and the world that you're creating.

I know that it seems like little things, I myself am guilty of the same thing. But I feel like if there were more in the first chapter it would be more captivating. You don't have to listen to anything I've said so far. Just one writer to another. I hope your series does good and that you have a great day!

Thank you so much for your input! I’ve made later chapters longer and tried to add to the later descriptions. I’m still working on learning how to convey the image I have in my head :)

 

[TUSOG]

Please check out my book too. Thank you

The Sacrifice | Scribble Hub

 

[MintiLime]

Please check out my book too. Thank you

The Sacrifice | Scribble Hub

Added myself as a reader! Looking forward to checking it out