Feedback Appreciated

[tanaka2687]

Hi. Trying to get some more views on my story so would appreciate any feedback. Or people just taking a look really. Hope it's to your tastes. The story is inspired by adventure manga and anime, in particular One Piece. Link is in the picture and synopsis below. Ta.


Synopsis:
Explorer. This word was once ringing in the ears of every man, woman and child across the globe. Explorers would become rich and famous as civilisation spread across the lands and seas. Everywhere, except one fabled island; the End of the World. With the number of unexplored lands reaching almost zero, explorers have resorted to forming guilds and taking whatever jobs they can to make ends meet. There are few out there with the resolve and ability to attempt to reach the End. But, on a small island in the middle of nowhere, a young man is setting out on a journey, and where it might take him, nobody knows...

 

[Ral]

Prologue

Really meh. Some random monster is defeated by some random dude. No characterization, no context, no nothing. Just some random detached fighting scene.

The narration itself is clunky. It sound like a commentator from wrestling match trying to hype the events, but there is just nothing here to be interest about. It has nothing that stands out.

Overall, a very meh start. This is pretty much what it telegraphed to me: Look! Another very generic fighting shounen.

 

[Ral]

Chapter One, Scene One

Starts bad with paragraphs of exposition that has no relevance at this point. The protagonist just walking home and somehow the narration decides it is the best moment to infodump. This is what you do if want to bore the readers and lost their interest.

After that, we are now properly introduced to the protagonist, Hiro. He is a typical shounen protagonist. Young, energetic, big dreams, dim witted, doesn't listen to advice from elders, confident; and the list of generic traits goes on and on. He isn't a bad character per se but he just doesn't have anything that stands out.

There is also his gramps and mentor, Daichi. Just a typical mentor character that is worried for our protagonist. I don't think we will remember him.

Overall, a very generic start. Nothing stands out; nothing interesting is presented, nothing interesting happens and the characters are generic. Nothing really interesting so far.

 

[Discount_Blade]

Chapter One, Scene One

Starts bad with paragraphs of exposition that has no relevance at this point. The protagonist just walking home and somehow the narration decides it is the best moment to infodump. This is what you do if want to bore the readers and lost their interest.

After that, we are now properly introduced to the protagonist, Hiro. He is a typical shounen protagonist. Young, energetic, big dreams, dim witted, doesn't listen to advice from elders, confident; and the list of generic traits goes on and on. He isn't a bad character per se but he just doesn't have anything that stands out.

There is also his gramps and mentor, Daichi. Just a typical mentor character that is worried for our protagonist. I don't think we will remember him.

Overall, a very generic start. Nothing stands out; nothing interesting is presented, nothing interesting happens and the characters are generic. Nothing really interesting so far.

Yeah I'm going to need you to check my work-in-progress stuff. I like this bluntness. I even have a little for you if you're ready. Not here though. It's not posted. If you can, that is. Though I do warn you, it's written in a traditional novel style. Meaning descriptive, detailed, and not an overly fast pace. Chapters aren't brief 1-3k affairs. In short, it isn't written like a web novel. If that's a problem, let me know.

It's my take on a Xuanhuan.

 

[Ral]

Chapter One, Scene Two

Again, it starts with an infodump. Paragraphs explain what an explorer is and some backstory.

On the other hand, all this infodumping means that the story isn't moving at all.

Oh! The protagonist and the mentor talk a bit and off the protagonist goes.

Overall, I think this story started too early. All these scenes and infodumps doesn't really matter. They add nothing and more importantly just not interesting. The narration is also really skimpy providing almost no description, narration or characterization.

 

[Ral]

Yeah I'm going to need you to check my work-in-progress stuff. I like this bluntness. I even have a little for you if you're ready. Not here though. It's not posted. If you can, that is. Though I do warn you, it's written in a traditional novel style. Meaning descriptive, detailed, and not an overly fast pace. Chapters aren't brief 1-3k affairs. In short, it isn't written like a web novel. If that's a problem, let me know.

It's my take on a Xuanhuan.

Well, considering I read old classics that is full of detailed descriptions, I don't think that kind of writing is bad. I actually prefer that kind of writing.

 

[Ral]

Chapter One, Scene Three

Time for the protagonist to show off again I guess.

More exposition, but this time is relevant. There is the problem of telling instead of showing. We told this and that about the town and the people but we see nothing about any of it.

Pirates come and attacked the town when our protagonist is staying in the town. Coincidence?

Pirates are looting and killing… and the protagonist is nowhere to be seen. Of course the protagonist only appears in the most dramatic moment… well guess what? Some singular good guy, who is the only named one among the redshirts, is about to be beheaded because the pirate have some nameless girl hostage. Who could save this man? The protagonist, Hiro, of course! With his brilliant smile, he show his might against the pirates. With a smile because seeing pirates looting and killing the townspeople that he supposed to care about are worth smiling for.

Then, when he got all the attention, he activates his special power.

I wonder why he didn't activate it earlier before the pirates has the chance to damage structures and kill anyone. You know? To minimize damage and deaths? Heck, where was he before all this?

Seriously, the protagonist piss me off. He seems to be just about showing off how special he is and is willing to sacrifice his town and its people to wait for the moment to maximize the show-off potential.

 

[Ral]

Chapter One, Scene Four

Okay. I give up.

So much cringe!

What is wrong with the protagonist?

I know this is supposed to be inspired by adventure anime and manga, apparently shounen anime and manga, but this interpretation is just cringe.

 

[applelollita]

The best advice here would be using dialogue or monologue . The problem is that for the first chapter is it seems , as Ral said - an info dump . Harsh words , I know but they are the truth . You need to write some conversation .

A conversation or a monologue has the power to pull the audience in which your intense but ultimately sudden world building doesn't . World building , no matter how complex cannot be thrown into the face of the reader , it startles them .

For example , take Naruto ( it's a manga but still it's a good example ) . The writer captivates the audience by bequeathing a forbidden art like Shadow Clone Jutsuu to the village trouble maker in the very first episode . The writer uses Naruto's conversations with other characters to show Naruto's motives indirectly . As a storyteller , the writer doesn't say - Naruto wanted to become the village chief ; he says ' Naruto replied to the jeers of the village folk -" I'll show you . I'll become the Hokage one day ." '

Also your world building should grow from simple to complex . Taking the earlier example , Naruto doesn't just simply come to know everything conveniently . He does some action - in return he receives a hint or clue to his next action . Like he didn't just win the war out of no where - the concepts of different villages , chakra system , ninja hierarchy - everything laid the groundwork for the final battle .

You must start simple so you can hide certain aspects of the world otherwise what remains for the audience to discover ? Your protagonist might not know everything from the start but your audience does (due to the infodump ) and by knowing they can't share the suspense the protagonist feels . If a reader cannot relate to the protagonists feelings due to lack of suspense or lack of conversation , they might read a few chapters but not everyone would've the stamina to see the story to its end .

 

[tanaka2687]

Chapter One, Scene Four

Okay. I give up.

So much cringe!

What is wrong with the protagonist?

I know this is supposed to be inspired by adventure anime and manga, apparently shounen anime and manga, but this interpretation is just cringe.

Hi. Thanks for the chapter by chapter/ scene by scene breakdown. What I take from what you have written is that you don't like the story very much. That's fine. I think the biggest criticism I can take from this is that you think the story is:
1. Too generic and similar to other, better products.
2. The way the story is written (regarding world-building and other areas) is either superfluous or boring in its execution.
3. You find the main character unlikeable as you think he is 'tropey' and 'cringe'.

I appreciate the feedback, no matter how negative it ends up being. I disagree with a couple of things but I think that is probably down to my way of writing not getting the intended meaning across and I will work on changing that.
Thanks

 

[EternalSunset0]

Hi. Thanks for the chapter by chapter/ scene by scene breakdown. What I take from what you have written is that you don't like the story very much. That's fine. I think the biggest criticism I can take from this is that you think the story is:
1. Too generic and similar to other, better products.
2. The way the story is written (regarding world-building and other areas) is either superfluous or boring in its execution.
3. You find the main character unlikeable as you think he is 'tropey' and 'cringe'.

I appreciate the feedback, no matter how negative it ends up being. I disagree with a couple of things but I think that is probably down to my way of writing not getting the intended meaning across and I will work on changing that.
Thanks

I think a major gripe that you did not mention would be the infodumping, unless that's part of number 2 that you stated.

I still haven't checked out too much of your story to be able to give my own feedback, but I think you don't need to always explain the history of the world or the significance of a town straight up.

In my personal opinion/taste, I think that I don't hate an occasional infodump at all, but it would be much better to let more of those information organically flow out in the course of the story. Probably a 60-40 or a 70-30 ratio in favor of not infodumping.

 

[Ral]

3. You find the main character unlikeable as you think he is 'tropey' and 'cringe'.

Yeah. Pretty much. I don't mind the others. The generic start and setup, the lacking narration; but the protagonist just breaks my immersion.

"Yes my dear pirate friend that is correct! This is well and truly an artefact!" Hiro remarks as if he was a market stall owner peddling his goods.

"You may all be wondering; what is an artefact and what can it do for me? Well, an artefact is an item that holds legendary status in this world; renowned for their ability to grant power to their wielder as well as their monetary value. That's right! These handy little gadgets go for a pretty penny on the black market!"

The small bear, to the alarm of those around him, replies, joining in with the atmosphere Hiro started.

"Why is that, Hiro?"

"Well, Chikuma, artefacts are of unknown origin and despite being well known are rarely seen. The artefact I wield is called the Friendship Sphere and it allows the user, me, to bond with animals and creatures across the world and work alongside them. In my case, I use my creature companions to assist in fights and kick some ass. Thank you for listening to our presentation; any questions from the audience?"

"Oh, I do!" the diminutive bear snaps, jumping up and down as if attempting to gain Hiro's attention.

"Can we finish this fool off now?"

"Chill out, Chikuma. We have this in the bag; he won't get away. Just having a bit of fun"

"Sloppy. You're always like this; quicker you get it done, the quicker you can rest."

This exchange. Pirates are pillaging and killing and the protagonist act like this when facing them? Not even Luffy, goofy as he is, is going to act like this.

I don't know what manga you are reading but shounen protagonist aren't like this. Sure they are often times goofy but not this way.

I think, you kinda confused shounen anime/manga (targeted 12 to 18 years old; example: One Piece, HunterXHunter) with kodomomuke anime/manga (target 10 years old and younger; example: Youkai Watch, Pokemon). The result is just cringe worthy.

 

[tanaka2687]

Yeah. Pretty much. I don't mind the others. The generic start and setup, the lacking narration; but the protagonist just breaks my immersion.

This exchange. Pirates are pillaging and killing and the protagonist act like this when facing them? Not even Luffy, goofy as he is, is going to act like this.

I don't know what manga you are reading but shounen protagonist aren't like this. Sure they are often times goofy but not this way.

I think, you kinda confused shounen anime/manga (targeted 12 to 18 years old; example: One Piece, HunterXHunter) with kodomomuke anime/manga (target 10 years old and younger; example: Youkai Watch, Pokemon). The result is just cringe worthy.

I understand your point here. Personally, I think that the exchange gives Hiro some character and him acting in a way to a typical shounen protagonist is a good thing. I actually quite like the exchange but I understand that it won't be everybody's cup of tea. I had him act this way because of the opponent he is facing not being a threat in Hiro's eyes. I do get it, though.

 

[Ral]

I understand your point here. Personally, I think that the exchange gives Hiro some character and him acting in a way to a typical shounen protagonist is a good thing. I actually quite like the exchange but I understand that it won't be everybody's cup of tea. I had him act this way because of the opponent he is facing not being a threat in Hiro's eyes. I do get it, though.

I think you missed my point. He doesn't act like a typical shounen protagonist but a kodomomuke protagonist, and for the very young ones (like preschool) at that. If you want me to give an example of a show with protagonists like this, then, watch Kirby: Right Back At Ya! or Magical Do Re Mi or Mirumo De Pon.

 

[tanaka2687]

I think you missed my point. He doesn't act like a typical shounen protagonist but a kodomomuke protagonist, and for the very young ones (like preschool) at that. If you want me to give an example of a show with protagonists like this, then, watch Kirby: Right Back At Ya! or Magical Do Re Mi or Mirumo De Pon.

Trust me, I understand your point and I have watched the Kirby anime. I just don't see that he is acting particularly childish or that the character is intended for children. I do take the point on board, though and it seems that I will have to tweak his character to make him come across a little more serious.

 

[Ral]

Trust me, I understand your point and I have watched the Kirby anime. I just don't see that he is acting particularly childish or that the character is intended for children. I do take the point on board, though and it seems that I will have to tweak his character to make him come across a little more serious.

The other situation that would fit this is a very bad attempt at comedy… which isn't really any better.

But, either way, botched up shounen protagonist or botched up comedy… I don't think I can continue reading after my immersion is broken that totally.