Family Drama (advice)

[SouthernMaiden]

I recently had some absolutely nuclear family drama.

Essentially, my brother is spoiled. If not for my Dad he'd:
1) literally have been deported
2) have a criminal record
3)not be a us citizen
4)not have an undergrad or grad degree (my dad paid for both)
5)not have had a place to live (almost free!) for like 10 years(!!!)
6)And so so so many more. My dad babysits his kid, helped clean up after his place flooded, ect.

But my brother is spoiled and prone to tantrums(he has looong been a fully grown adult).

After crashing out over stupid shit (not having front yard privileges in the place MY PARENTS BOUGHT HIM!). He said absolutely awful awful awful stuff to my dad in an argument. Like heinous, personal, borderline evil insults.

My Dad. Who has been so kind to us all our lives. Who is recently been sick, probably cancer(luckily a treatable type). Hes such a kind, gentle man.

It hurts my heart just thinking about it. I honestly hate my brother now, can't see how I could ever forgive him.

[Also, this is all happening in a dif city. My parents live in the same place as my bro. I of course live away, cause im the one who gets less help. Despite dealing with my own shit. ]

Any advice? Have you ever had awful family members that you've forgiven?

 

[YukieSama]

I haven't had a direct family member but rather a cousin, I won't go into detail but she's the reason I don't really interact with that side of my family anymore. Forgiving her isn't something I'd do but she does seem to have a mental illness. Even then no. My unprofessional advice would be to maybe see if he'd get tested because healthy people wouldn't do those things. Sometimes there are biological factor that can be fixed.

I do wish you the best.

 

[SouthernMaiden]

I haven't had a direct family member but rather a cousin, I won't go into detail but she's the reason I don't really interact with that side of my family anymore. Forgiving her isn't something I'd do but she does seem to have a mental illness. Even then no. My unprofessional advice would be to maybe see if he'd get tested because healthy people wouldn't do those things. Sometimes there are biological factor that can be fixed.

I do wish you the best.

Its strange. We all genuinely wonder what's up with him. He can be such a good person, then turn on a dime.

Maybe at least therapy or a psychiatrist could help. The issue would be getting him to go Unfortunately

 

[Lysander_Works]

Sounds like a case of acquired arrogance and spoiling. Usually, a balanced reality check can be helpful, but that generally won't work on someone of age. The only logical thing to offer up is therapy. As for what to do next, it's something you will have to settle your heart on.

I know what it's like to hate someone enough to truly wish them dead. I never faulted myself for harboring such feelings towards a despicable excuse for a human being (as in, one who cannot or will not shape up). Ultimately though, I had to adapt to not let that hatred consume me, by distancing myself from this person.

In your case, you have the conflict in your mind ~ the brother that you probably wish you could help directly and turn his insanity around overnight. Ideal, but not a likely or easy endeavor. To even try beyond that point will drain you. There is also your father's feelings to consider. If I had to guess, there could be some chance he blames himself inside, probably more than he should. He might not be able or willing to distance himself the same way, if at all.

The best decision you can make, assuming you decide that enough is enough, would be to balance distancing from your brother, with trying to live and lead by the best example. In which a case, forgiveness doesn't really have to be part of the equation. You're making a choice. He's making his choice. Your father and mom will also make their choice. Doing right by your own standards is the minimum requirement here. Nothing wrong with trying to help everyone at once, so long as it doesn't tax you too far.

Still not sure of your family dynamics, and I'm bound to be missing some context, but consider this a shot in the dark. Not everyone in a family will get along.

 

[SouthernMaiden]

In your case, you have the conflict in your mind ~ the brother that you probably wish you could help directly and turn his insanity around overnight. Ideal, but not a likely or easy endeavor. To even try beyond that point will drain you. There is also your father's feelings to consider. If I had to guess, there could be some chance he blames himself inside, probably more than he should. He might not be able or willing to distance himself the same way, if at all.

You hit the nail on the head. I just want my brother to apologize and reconcile with us. But its like he's physical incapable of accepting blame or fault for anything, ever. We don't understand my him at all. He's not a "crazy person" ...he has a job and a life, friends ect.

But its like he has some deep insecurity that he projects on our family. He acts like my Dad wronged him, when its the opposite. None of us understand! Why burn down your relationship with your entire family over nothing?

 

[Madkins]

Sounds like a case of acquired arrogance and spoiling. Usually, a balanced reality check can be helpful, but that generally won't work on someone of age. The only logical thing to offer up is therapy. As for what to do next, it's something you will have to settle your heart on.

In my personal experience, and I'm being serious here when i say this, a serious ass kicking also can change this behavior. I get along with a family member that was much like that after someone had enough one day.

Other than that,

But its like he's physical incapable of accepting blame or fault for anything, ever. We don't understand my him at all. He's not a "crazy person" ...he has a job and a life, friends ect.

it could also be some sort of mental condition like bipolar with narcissistic tendencies. which is what this sounds like
That would require professional treatment.

 

[Lysander_Works]

You hit the nail on the head. I just want my brother to apologize and reconcile with us. But its like he's physical incapable of accepting blame or fault for anything, ever. We don't understand my him at all. He's not a "crazy person" ...he has a job and a life, friends ect.

But its like he has some deep insecurity that he projects on our family. He acts like my Dad wronged him, when its the opposite. None of us understand! Why burn down your relationship with your entire family over nothing?

There are people who are like this; people who are capable of holding down the steaks in their own life, maintaining at minimum a job and some semblance of a life, while being unhinged in every other way that would make them appear sane. Often they reveal their true self where they feel more cozy. They will only change if they want to change, and that requires action of their own, not merely an empty promise. Sorry to hear you are undergoing the drama.

 

[SouthernMaiden]

In my personal experience, and I'm being serious here when i say this, a serious ass kicking also can change this behavior. I get along with a family member that was much like that after someone had enough one day.

Other than that,


it could also be some sort of mental condition like bipolar with narcissistic tendencies. which is what this sounds like
That would require professional treatment.

It might be.

early on in this "drama"

He sent my parents a provoking and vaguely insulting text. They ignored it. They were busy and just moved, and the text was just an insult for no reason.

The next day he texted them ' I hope you both are busy writing your apologies'

The must entitled, narcissistic, thing ive ever heard. He expects them to apologize for ignoring his insults, like WTF

 

[Madkins]

It might be.

early on in this "drama"

He sent my parents a provoking and vaguely insulting text. They ignored it. They were busy and just moved, and the text was just an insult for no reason.

The next day he texted them ' I hope you both are busy writing your apologies'

The must entitled, narcissistic, thing ive ever heard. He expects them to apologize for ignoring his insults, like WTF

i'm sorry to hear that.
these things often don't resolve easily.
your parents should put some distance between them and him.
isolation can sometimes lead to self-reflection, but most likely your brother needs a to seek therapy himself. that's the difficult part.
hopefully he comes to his senses one day

 

[SouthernMaiden]

i'm sorry to hear that.
these things often don't resolve easily.
your parents should put some distance between them and him.
isolation can sometimes lead to self-reflection, but most likely your brother needs a to seek therapy himself. that's the difficult part.
hopefully he comes to his senses one day

One day hopefully. Thanks for reading my yapping

I think i just wanted to write it all out and hear what others thought so I know im not going crazy

 

[Madkins]

One day hopefully. Thanks for reading my yapping

I think i just wanted to write it all out and hear what others thought so I know im not going crazy

its all good, we all need someone to talk to here and there. if you need to vent more feel free.
I'm kind of the guy for that. I'm a decent listener

 

[LiteraryWho]

[Also, this is all happening in a dif city. My parents live in the same place as my bro. I of course live away, cause im the one who gets less help. Despite dealing with my own shit. ]

The perils of not being the squeaky wheel, lol. It's good, though, it means you're squared away.

As for the topic at hand, unfortunately, being screwed up is one of those things a person has to solve for themselves, there's very little to be done externally. The best you can do, imo, is just be honest about his behavior, especially to him. Preferably without getting angry about it, but just accurately labeling what he does in a tone of indifference.

Wish you the best of luck with it.

 

[VanVeleca]

Is there anything your brother is maybe secretly..."consuming"? If you understand what I mean. You mentioned he was close to getting a criminal record and from what I've read his flippant personality does sound like someone who may be depending on certain substances, perhaps meth or anything that causes sudden aggressive behavior.

Or (and I hope this doesn't come off as mean) perhaps he genuinely does just have some sort of mental disability, like others have suggested it could be a form of bipolar disorder.

 

[SouthernMaiden]

Is there anything your brother is maybe secretly..."consuming"? If you understand what I mean. You mentioned he was close to getting a criminal record and from what I've read his flippant personality does sound like someone who may be depending on certain substances, perhaps meth or anything that causes sudden aggressive behavior.

Or (and I hope this doesn't come off as mean) perhaps he genuinely does just have some sort of mental disability, like others have suggested it could be a form of bipolar disorder.

Nothing as serious as meth. He has struggled with alcohol in the past. But supposedly he dosent drink so much anymore.

I wouldnt be surprised if he was bipolar. I guess the issue is that hes an adult so he cant be forced into treatment or anything

 

[Little-Moon]

.....maybe....

I mean if that is my sibling and they truly have been spoiled quite rotten which I am going to assume from what you wrote. Maybe he does need that reality check that not everything is always going to be as he wants it also for his own future sake.

That provebial kick in the ass....so I mean, forgiving it eventually is probably going to happen because family, but before that.

Groveling.

Lot's of groveling and making it up from his side, his initiative.

Then again, this is a subjective view so truly in the end up to what action you are not going to regret.

 

[Redemit]

If he's so spoiled and he doesn't realize how much help he gets the best thing to do is for you and your family to completely cut him off Let him go ruin his own life even be homeless for a while (its almost summer perfect time for it really) and if one day he decides he's messed up and wants forgiveness great if he doesn't its his own fault

Tough love is still love and its the one people NEED most in their lives soft love is for peaceful moments and how many of those do we actually get in our lives

I know that religion is a touchy subject for a lot of people and can get threads locked down but your story really sounds like the Prodigal Son

I have a similar situation in my own family but its with a cousin and my aunt
And his mom refuses to cut him off completely so he's just constantly spiraling further and further down
Its gotten so bad that everyone else in the family has agreed that he's either going to end up in prison or dead at this rate
All because his mommy refuses to cut him off

Learn from others who have tried to save people who don't realize they're in danger and don't want saved
Let them fall completely over and over again and when they finally realize they messed up and WANT your help be ready to help them up

 

[Sylver]

Hmm...

Lack of a consistent structure and a failure to establish boundaries may have led to this emotional response and feelings of entitlement that your brother displays.

First, I would suggest staying calm and not to engage negative behavior with a negative response. Don't respond in an angry manner the way your brother is doing, or you'll be adding fuel to the fire.

Re-establishing boundaries would be my next suggestion. Set a firm response by clearing saying "No"

Limit enabling their response, be direct about their limitations, and promote self-sufficiency. It's easier to rewire an adolescent child who reacts with feelings of entitlement, but adults are more difficult because they've had years adapting to this as their common response. Getting spoiled begins with feelings of endearment through displays of affection and love via permitting them access or permission to their needs, but a failure to establish and enforce boundaries leads to them pushing for more and more to the detriment of others.

It is important that your parents learn to set these boundaries and enforce them, not only for your brothers sake but for theirs. I get the impression that your dad is under stress when your brother reacts this way. Get your parents to understand that your brother is an adult capable of sustaining himself now, and although it is normal for them to feel responsible for him, he is no longer legally their responsibility. It's time your brother learns to sustain himself and realize that he can't have everything.

If needed, use means of compromise to promote self-sustaining behavior from him. Do so in small steps, so that the change feels natural over time. Removing this response from him will take time and effort from both your father and brother, but it can be done.

 

[SouthernMaiden]

Let them fall completely over and over again and when they finally realize they messed up and WANT your help be ready to help them up

Yeah thats what I've told my parents to do. Let him fend for himself for a bit

Get your parents to understand that your brother is an adult capable of sustaining himself now, and although it is normal for them to feel responsible for him, he is no longer legally their responsibility. It's time your brother learns to sustain himself and realize that he can't have everything.

Their hearts are in the right place and if he wasn't so damn cruel to them I feel like there's nothing wrong with giving/getting help when necessary. But his mindset shifted from appreciation/gratefulness to like pure entitlement.

I think with his latest outburst both my parents are ready to have him fend for himself though

 

[RepresentingCaution]

Get him some therapy and some medication. There could be undiagnosed ADHD, bipolar disorder, or other things going on.

 

[Worthy39]

I had an uncle that was a lot like that, obviously not the same circumstances, but a similar attitude. Unfortunately, until my grandpa passed away from cancer, he didn't get any better. He's a lot better than he used to be now, but he's still got quite a few issues. As long as someone keeps supporting him, he'll never get better, that's really all I can say. And even then, it could just make him worse, not better. It's tough, but even if he's family, when it gets this bad, you've got to show some tough love. It's not about him right now, it's about your dad, and if he can't accept that, than he doesn't need to be around the rest of your family at this time.

And if an example of a very similar situation might help convince your family, my uncle was completely reliant on my grandpa for money before, had an insanely toxic ex, like those girls you see on reality TV level toxic, who he was still technically married to, and a daughter he wasn't allowed to see ever. Now, he's got a pretty well paying job, he's allowed to see his daughter regularly, he has a new daughter with and a fiancee who he'd be married to if his ex wasn't still dragging her feet on the divorce papers, and just all around is a much nicer person than before. He's still got issues, some bad habits he picked up at his lowest point, but compared to when he was relying on my grandpa? He's significantly healthier. I didn't mention everything, but not everything is something that needs to be shared.