Ever Played an RPG? Share Your Thoughts on My Novel!

[nakr]

I revamped an old story of mine and want to see if it’s interesting enough to catch your attention. Please share your thoughts!

 

[GrotesqueHeaven]

Hello. I am writing this just after reading the 'Intro' chapter and here is what I can say. Keep in mind that I am pretty much new author myself, so don't take it too seriously.

1 - I think that the introduction to the world like this is a bit lazy and pretty much the same as most isekais - just a cheat code to make writing easier. Not that it's really bad but... I feel like it's better to make the world exposition in the story.

2 - Predators Ranking. I have no idea what predators are. You just said that they are are acheived by cores. What are those cores? I think you should either explain everything or just delete that part.

3 - What do you mean by "Martial arts can be found in dungeons." Like learned through some scrolls? Or when you complete the dungeon you are rewarded with martial art skill directly, like in Arifureta? (I am not sure that's how it was spelled, if you know you will know what I mean, if not then just ignore)

Now these are for the first chapter:

1 - Why the START button didn't appear when he first time used "Power On"? The only thing that changes is the encounter with the goblins, and I would get it if he got a

2 - "Stamina: 2 (every 5 points in vitality or Strength will add 0.5 point to strength)" Strenght adding to strenght? I think you meant stamina.

3 - What is the difference in Agility and Dex? Feels more or less the same to be honest, and there is no in-story explaination.

4 - I have to talk about the strange scaling of the stats and the stats overall. I guess it makes sense that the more strong you get, more vitality you get, it's natural. But it makes things complicated if you can assign stat points. I don't know how exactly it is in your story, does MC get stats through training OR some kind of level-up system gives +n amount of stat points that MC is free to assign. But in that case, your scaling of the stats (the "every 5 points in strength will add 1 point to vitality" part I mean) makes it that MC can assign all into strange, quickly becoming a glasscanon. But he won't, as he will get free vitality. Also, why Agility has no scaling like this? Another thing is that Vit feels more natural to be the averege of all stats and not Dex. But that depends on your understaning of the meaning of the stats. But again, you gave none, so all this applies to my understanding of them.

5 - Sudden game world. I had to re-read that part becouse it was just random. I mean, wasn't map showing his real surroundings? Does he has a built-in game in there?

6 - I have no idea who the MC is. I mean, how old is he? How does he look like? All I know after finishing the first chapter is that he is supposedly ugly (how much ugly, what exacly about him is ugly, did something made him ugly or he just has unlucky DNA?) and that he is a poor mercenary.

With all that said, I can't say the story is bad or anything. And I am sure that questions like that could appear while reading my own story as well.

Also, the idea with old, forgotten civilization is cool, there is not many stories with that. Or at least I haven't seen much.

Sorry if there is bad English somewhere in my feedback.

Wish you good luck.

 

[nakr]

Hello. I am writing this just after reading the 'Intro' chapter and here is what I can say. Keep in mind that I am pretty much new author myself, so don't take it too seriously.

1 - I think that the introduction to the world like this is a bit lazy and pretty much the same as most isekais - just a cheat code to make writing easier. Not that it's really bad but... I feel like it's better to make the world exposition in the story.

2 - Predators Ranking. I have no idea what predators are. You just said that they are are acheived by cores. What are those cores? I think you should either explain everything or just delete that part.

3 - What do you mean by "Martial arts can be found in dungeons." Like learned through some scrolls? Or when you complete the dungeon you are rewarded with martial art skill directly, like in Arifureta? (I am not sure that's how it was spelled, if you know you will know what I mean, if not then just ignore)

Now these are for the first chapter:

1 - Why the START button didn't appear when he first time used "Power On"? The only thing that changes is the encounter with the goblins, and I would get it if he got a

2 - "Stamina: 2 (every 5 points in vitality or Strength will add 0.5 point to strength)" Strenght adding to strenght? I think you meant stamina.

3 - What is the difference in Agility and Dex? Feels more or less the same to be honest, and there is no in-story explaination.

4 - I have to talk about the strange scaling of the stats and the stats overall. I guess it makes sense that the more strong you get, more vitality you get, it's natural. But it makes things complicated if you can assign stat points. I don't know how exactly it is in your story, does MC get stats through training OR some kind of level-up system gives +n amount of stat points that MC is free to assign. But in that case, your scaling of the stats (the "every 5 points in strength will add 1 point to vitality" part I mean) makes it that MC can assign all into strange, quickly becoming a glasscanon. But he won't, as he will get free vitality. Also, why Agility has no scaling like this? Another thing is that Vit feels more natural to be the averege of all stats and not Dex. But that depends on your understaning of the meaning of the stats. But again, you gave none, so all this applies to my understanding of them.

5 - Sudden game world. I had to re-read that part becouse it was just random. I mean, wasn't map showing his real surroundings? Does he has a built-in game in there?

6 - I have no idea who the MC is. I mean, how old is he? How does he look like? All I know after finishing the first chapter is that he is supposedly ugly (how much ugly, what exacly about him is ugly, did something made him ugly or he just has unlucky DNA?) and that he is a poor mercenary.

With all that said, I can't say the story is bad or anything. And I am sure that questions like that could appear while reading my own story as well.

Also, the idea with old, forgotten civilization is cool, there is not many stories with that. Or at least I haven't seen much.

Sorry if there is bad English somewher in my feedback.

Wish you good luck.

Of course, martial arts are either scrolls or books.

As for the "START" thing, it was the system's first-time operation. It needed to explain a few things before the MC could start doing anything. It's like if you start a game or something, you can't expect to find the word "START" as the first thing. The MC is in an era where nothing like the system could exist. How would he understand if he didn’t get any explanation?

As for the stat points, I made it look like that for a reason. Imagine that you eat well and have no health issues. Doesn’t that mean your vitality is great? However, your strength might be too low even though you are healthy enough, and the reason is that you lack training. When you train, your vitality goes up proportionally.

For the stamina, you can understand it as someone healthy who trains in the gym by lifting weights only. You can say they are strong, but if they start jogging, they will find themselves getting tired so fast.

Dexterity is how good you are at something. It has nothing to do with agility. Agility is something you can't increase easily. Running faster or having insane reflexes isn’t as easy as gaining muscle. It’s the hardest thing to increase, that's why I didn’t make it scale with other stats.

The map thing will be explained later. You can't expect to find everything in the first chapter. I can't make the first chapter so informative that the story loses its fun side and becomes like a catalogue for some product with description included.

The MC's appearance and background are mentioned in Chapters 4 and 5.

A lot of thing will be explained as the story goes on.

In the end, thanks for your feedback I'm new author myself and I'm still learning. I think I was a bit lazy in the intro part, yeah. I need to refine it.

Thanks a lot! ♥

 

[GrotesqueHeaven]

Of course, martial arts are either scrolls or books.

As for the "START" thing, it was the system's first-time operation. It needed to explain a few things before the MC could start doing anything. It's like if you start a game or something, you can't expect to find the word "START" as the first thing. The MC is in an era where nothing like the system could exist. How would he understand if he didn’t get any explanation?

As for the stat points, I made it look like that for a reason. Imagine that you eat well and have no health issues. Doesn’t that mean your vitality is great? However, your strength might be too low even though you are healthy enough, and the reason is that you lack training. When you train, your vitality goes up proportionally.

For the stamina, you can understand it as someone healthy who trains in the gym by lifting weights only. You can say they are strong, but if they start jogging, they will find themselves getting tired so fast.

Dexterity is how good you are at something. It has nothing to do with agility. Agility is something you can't increase easily. Running faster or having insane reflexes isn’t as easy as gaining muscle. It’s the hardest thing to increase, that's why I didn’t make it scale with other stats.

The map thing will be explained later. You can't expect to find everything in the first chapter. I can't make the first chapter so informative that the story loses its fun side and becomes like a catalogue for some product with description included.

The MC's appearance and background are mentioned in Chapters 4 and 5.

A lot of thing will be explained as the story goes on.

In the end, thanks for your feedback I'm new author myself and I'm still learning. I think I was a bit lazy in the intro part, yeah. I need to refine it.

Thanks a lot! ♥

Well, I can't agree on the "START" thing. In most games "START" button is pretty much the first thing you press and see, except game's options or the producer's/developer's logo. And obviously story-wise it's good to explain things to Mc. But game/program -wise "START" is the first thing.

As I said in the first reply, the scaling is a natural thing and makes sense. But as we can see, Dex, Stamina etc have different meaning for different people. And since you have Intro with explaination of things anyways, I think it would be good to explain your understanding of those in there. Also the "Dexterity is how good you are at something." sounds really vague.

Wish you good luck.

 

[nakr]

Thank you