Synopsis :
herself
bloodshed
answer this questions SHe tries
question, she
Without an identity and only a name.
Without an identity, only a name.
this new world making new friends
this new world, making new friends (Comma for better reading experience)
Admist all the love she gets the memories began to resurface as she finds them not plesant, making the seed of doubt grow in her heart more.
(a bit confusing. Maybe try something like : 'Admist all the love, the memories began to resurface. She finds them unpleasant, making the seed of doubt grow bigger in her heart.')
She is torn between
ignoring her dark past or embracing the darkness
(2 times 'dark' in the same sentence without being a stylistic choice ? Try synonyms, like 'ignoring her troubled past or embracing the darkness')
taking over she seek to remain
taking over, she seeks to remain
That's all for the synopsis. A well groomed synopsis is a first step to make people want to read your novel, so you have to make it enticing. Now, let's start with your OH SWEET JESUS what's wrong with the chapters ???? Ok, so... First of all, number your chapters. You did very well starting from chapter 15, so do the same for the beginning. Fix all of that. And it's 'Prologue', not 'Prolouge'
The prologue :
Let's forget about correcting everything wrong, I don't want to be here all day. I'll leave that to someone who's better at english.
Uyi could not help but smil listening to Fed's comment.
You gave no explanation as to who is who, so it's very confusing. Is Uyi the pretty woman ? Or is it the guy without hair ? Make it clear before referring to them by name.
then turned to the Black haired girl.
"Gilly How many are we?"
Good exemple. Now, we know the black haired girl is Gilly.
Ok, I finished the Prologue. And it could be a very good scene to introduce your story ! Straight into the action, we immediately understand what is going on, and we want to know what will happen to Gilly next. Now, what I have a trouble with, it's that your entire chapter feels like a synopsis. Why don't you show us the soldiers complaining ? You only say 'they are complaining', yes, but about what ? Are they tired ? Are they scared ? Maybe they don't like the one who took command now that the smart ones are dead ? And about that battle... 'The girl injured the monster's eye in exchange for an injury to her shoulder', why don't you show us that ? Describe the battle, create tension, see the people getting exhausted, how the girl is desperate to kill that thing and protect her comrades but she only succeeds in injuring his eye, etc...
You have a big room for improvement, But it's not bad at all.
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