Envy's Free Feedback Thread [Thread Closed]

[Slays_The_Crusader]

?Welcome to the resident vampire's feedback thread ?​

RepresentingEnvy here to give all of the mortals feedback on their novels. If you have stumbled across a feedback thread before, then you should understand. Still, I am here to give you the obligatory explanation. I will provide feedback on the first chapter of your novel, and if I enjoy it I might read further. Keep in mind that this will all be my subjective opinion as a reader first.

?Disclaimer?​

I am not a professional Reviewer/author. All of this will be my own subjective opinion. If you don't agree with my review/rating, you are free to dismiss it entirely. I am just a biased vampy.

?Rules?​

1. I will provide feedback on at least the first chapter of your novel.​
2. You will put the link to the novel you want reviewed.​
3. You will tell me if you want the review in the thread or in a PM (If neither is specified the review will go in thread).​
4. Stories I won't read: Mind break, Mind Control, R*pe (Basically anything that doesn't involve consent in sexual acts. PS: This includes the sexualization of lolis.)​
5. The first score provided will be writing enjoyment (how much I enjoy your prose/style) on a scale of 1/5 ?. Example: Writing Enjoyment: ?????(Max Score)​
6. The second score will be how much I personally enjoyed the story. This will be on a scale of 1/5 ?. Example: Personal Enjoyment: ?????(Max Score)​
7. The last rating will be how much I think your story will appeal to a general audience. This will be on a scale of 1/5 ?‍. Example: Appeal: ?‍?‍?‍?‍?‍(Max Score)​

?‍Bleh-Bleh, Bleh ?‍
Be patient if you want feedback.
Don't take my review as gospel.
???????​

A Merc’s Guide to Mercing

Ah, being a Mercenary, it's like being a soldier except more fun, and you don't have to care about silly things like 'not blowing up a children's hospital' Follow a team of ten totally unprofessional soldiers of fortune as people throw money at them to solve tasks that range from...

www.scribblehub.com

I would like the review to be in the thread, do not hold back at all, my ego ignores the square cube law.

 

[Rhaps]

?Welcome to the resident vampire's feedback thread ?​

RepresentingEnvy here to give all of the mortals feedback on their novels. If you have stumbled across a feedback thread before, then you should understand. Still, I am here to give you the obligatory explanation. I will provide feedback on the first chapter of your novel, and if I enjoy it I might read further. Keep in mind that this will all be my subjective opinion as a reader first.

?Disclaimer?​

I am not a professional Reviewer/author. All of this will be my own subjective opinion. If you don't agree with my review/rating, you are free to dismiss it entirely. I am just a biased vampy.

?Rules?​

1. I will provide feedback on at least the first chapter of your novel.​
2. You will put the link to the novel you want reviewed.​
3. You will tell me if you want the review in the thread or in a PM (If neither is specified the review will go in thread).​
4. Stories I won't read: Mind break, Mind Control, R*pe (Basically anything that doesn't involve consent in sexual acts. PS: This includes the sexualization of lolis.)​
5. The first score provided will be writing enjoyment (how much I enjoy your prose/style) on a scale of 1/5 ?. Example: Writing Enjoyment: ?????(Max Score)​
6. The second score will be how much I personally enjoyed the story. This will be on a scale of 1/5 ?. Example: Personal Enjoyment: ?????(Max Score)​
7. The last rating will be how much I think your story will appeal to a general audience. This will be on a scale of 1/5 ?‍. Example: Appeal: ?‍?‍?‍?‍?‍(Max Score)​

?‍Bleh-Bleh, Bleh ?‍
Be patient if you want feedback.
Don't take my review as gospel.
???????​

Infinity in the Void
Go for it, disassemble my story and nitpick it!

 

[Rosewater15]

here is mine if you have time

Letters of Compunction

Note: If this book makes you very confused, that's normal. Just keep reading... Easter is the second prince of the Northern Kingdom, the spy for the royal family. The queen digs herself into a predicament, and Easter finds himself investigating a case with too many leads but no evidence to...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[NobleHeroine]

I'd love to see what you think of my first chapter, if you'd like to take a look. Feel free to discuss in the thread.

Ravenous Magics

It's been two years since Akane Takemasa's mother died, and though she doubts she'll ever be the same, her life has started to come back together. She's got a loving sister and father, devoted friends, and a passion for kendo that keeps her moving forward. But her newfound calm life...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Ellieporter]

?‍

 

[Deleted member 84247]

Awaiting your feedback

?Preface ?
I am not a professional reviewer/author, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
Writing Enjoyment: ? ? ?(3/5)​

The writing is easy to understand and follow for the most part. I don't think I had any problems with knowing who is talking. I didn't notice any glaring issues with the grammar or flow that would lower the writing score. That being said, there are words that can be cut for concision. Even whole sentences can be cut, and the meaning would remain the same.

The black haired youth cupped her chin and placed her other hand on her hip, appearing to be in deep thought. "To be" is simply unrequired here. She inputted the passcode and touched the small yellow envelope icon, revealing the entire contents of her message that read. This sentence is entirely unnecessary. You needn't explain every action of the character for the readers to understand. It is implied that when you read a message on your phone you must input a pass code and go to messages.

That leads to possibly the biggest issue with the writing. Actions are described more than scenery, and we don't get a great picture of the scene itself. The descriptions of facial expressions also leave much to be desired. Plant a more irritated look on her face. What does an irritated look like? Also "planting" a look on her face is used too many times. What do people do when they are irritated? They might narrow their eyes. They might roll their eyes. Any descriptors that add character should be used. "Planting a look" does not add character. Someone that constantly rolls their eyes, for example, would be having a character trait/flaw.

Personal Enjoyment: ??(2/5)​

The writing is good enough if you clean some of it up, and add better scenery descriptors; however, this is really not my cup of tea. A slice-of-life with girls talking about boys is not exciting to me. I can't relate to the characters at all, aside from them being 'vampires' in a metaphorical sense.

If people like school life slice-of-life's this would be far more up their alley. It reads like more of a JP manga in the same vein as well, so I would recommend this to anyone who likes that sort of thing.

Appeal: ?‍(1/5)​

At the current rate this has no appeal. It hasn't been updated in over a year, and it doesn't fit the mold of what makes a SH novel popular. The more pressing concern is the rate of update. Have you stopped writing? Your other novels haven't seen updates either. Consistency is king for getting on trending.

?Conclusion?​

The writing is fairly good, but descriptions of scenery tend to be lacking. Cut out unneeded words and sentences that don't add anything. Use better descriptors that add character to facial expressions. This isn't my cup of tea, but I still think you should get back to writing!

?‍Bleh-Bleh, Bleh?‍
???????​

 

[dummycake]

Do you only read the first chapter?

 

[Deleted member 84247]

Do you only read the first chapter?

No, I will at least read the first chapter, and continue on if I like it. For the last feedback, I read the first and second chapter.

 

[dummycake]

No, I will at least read the first chapter, and continue on if I like it. For the last feedback, I read the first and second chapter.

My first chapter is a prologue and it's really long...
But I will be happy if you at least give it a chance and give me a review, even if you drop in the middle.

Mythos: My Supernatural Hunting Manual [HIATUS]

With her new abilities, Sarah initially tried to become a superhero, just like the ones she admired in the comics. However, she quickly realized that her city didn't need heroes. There wasn't crime lurking in every dark corner; the country was peaceful, right? Beneath the facade of the peaceful...

www.scribblehub.com

Thank you, senpai!!

 

[Ellieporter]

?Preface ?
I am not a professional reviewer/author, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
Writing Enjoyment: ? ? ?(3/5)​

The writing is easy to understand and follow for the most part. I don't think I had any problems with knowing who is talking. I didn't notice any glaring issues with the grammar or flow that would lower the writing score. That being said, there are words that can be cut for concision. Even whole sentences can be cut, and the meaning would remain the same.

The black haired youth cupped her chin and placed her other hand on her hip, appearing to be in deep thought. "To be" is simply unrequired here. She inputted the passcode and touched the small yellow envelope icon, revealing the entire contents of her message that read. This sentence is entirely unnecessary. You needn't explain every action of the character for the readers to understand. It is implied that when you read a message on your phone you must input a pass code and go to messages.

That leads to possibly the biggest issue with the writing. Actions are described more than scenery, and we don't get a great picture of the scene itself. The descriptions of facial expressions also leave much to be desired. Plant a more irritated look on her face. What does an irritated look like? Also "planting" a look on her face is used too many times. What do people do when they are irritated? They might narrow their eyes. They might roll their eyes. Any descriptors that add character should be used. "Planting a look" does not add character. Someone that constantly rolls their eyes, for example, would be having a character trait/flaw.

Personal Enjoyment: ??(2/5)​

The writing is good enough if you clean some of it up, and add better scenery descriptors; however, this is really not my cup of tea. A slice-of-life with girls talking about boys is not exciting to me. I can't relate to the characters at all, aside from them being 'vampires' in a metaphorical sense.

If people like school life slice-of-life's this would be far more up their alley. It reads like more of a JP manga in the same vein as well, so I would recommend this to anyone who likes that sort of thing.

Appeal: ?‍(1/5)​

At the current rate this has no appeal. It hasn't been updated in over a year, and it doesn't fit the mold of what makes a SH novel popular. The more pressing concern is the rate of update. Have you stopped writing? Your other novels haven't seen updates either. Consistency is king for getting on trending.

?Conclusion?​

The writing is fairly good, but descriptions of scenery tend to be lacking. Cut out unneeded words and sentences that don't add anything. Use better descriptors that add character to facial expressions. This isn't my cup of tea, but I still think you should get back to writing!

?‍Bleh-Bleh, Bleh?‍
???????​

Its been a year since i updated them lol. Maybe i should get back to writing!

 

[Deleted member 84247]

Its been a year since i updated them lol. Maybe i should get back to writing!

You should! The docs are hurting for your words untold, and the night creatures are scurrying about taking pleasure in your absence.

 

[Ellieporter]

You should! The docs are hurting for your words untold, and the night creatures are scurrying about taking pleasure in your absence.

Well... I used to write SoL mostly and i often have trouble with depicting scenery as that is my weakness

Btw... "Vampires" in a metaphor sense is just my keyword for people who pull all nighters in gaming.

 

[Deleted member 84247]

Well... I used to write SoL mostly and i often have trouble with depicting scenery as that is my weakness

Btw... "Vampires" in a metaphor sense is just my keyword for people who pull all nighters in gaming.

Oh, I know! That is why I said that was a relatable aspect.

 

[RepresentingWrath]

Bump?

 

[dummycake]

will you read my smut, Representation of Envy?

 

[Deleted member 84247]

Hi! I'm interested in a review! In the thread is fine.
Eccentric Fate | Scribble Hub

?Preface?
I am not a professional reviewer/author, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
Writing Enjoyment: ????(4/5)​

Your prose, grammar, and spelling are all great! I didn't have any problems with the flow of the story either. The only issue with your writing I noticed was concision. I read all of the first chapter, and half of the second. However, in both chapters there are things that can simply be cut to keep the writing concise, and there are a few unneeded extras.

I will get to concision first. “When you’re better,” I said with no small amount of hope. Usually, the response would be a deft dodge of responsibility or her hopes for my future. Never would Grandma Sylvie make a promise for her own deteriorating health. This sentence, for example, is unneeded. It detracts rather than adding, and it kills any suspense. It makes the reader know what is going to happen further along in the chapter. My grip tightened in response, and I couldn’t help some reactive words from blurting out of my mouth. This is also extra and unneeded. The words coming out of his mouth are the reaction, and it is my belief that they don't add anything. This is a common theme in your writing. Grandma Sylvie’s eyes deepened, and the beeping on the nearby medical machines intensified. Unaware, words continued rambling from my lips.

The last issue are the things like Sigh and Chuckle. They are one word paragraphs that pull me out of the story. It feels like a dichotomy between the mood you are trying to set and the words. The contrast is stark when you are painting the potential death of a family member, and the main character is having sighs and chuckles.

Personal Enjoyment: ? ? ? (3/5)​

Other than the few problems I had with concision, the story isn't my cup of tea (pun intended). I am not an avid reader of cultivation and Xianxia, so this story isn't for me. That aside, I do like the first chapter, and I kept reading along through the second chapter. The dialogue is intriguing enough, and the old man in the second chapter is an interesting character.

The first chapter is a good hook if you clean the text. This is my subjective opinion, and other's might really love your story without cutting them out.

Appeal: ?‍?‍(2/5)​

This doesn't have a mass appeal on the SH platform, but you are consistent enough that I can see you gaining some dedicated readers. I read through the thank you chapter, and I hope you can get back to writing. Despite everything I said, your writing is good. Though, I don't think that is enough to propel you into popularity.

?Conclusion?​

Your writing is fantastic overall, but I found many times where stuff could be cut. A few times, like the grandma example, it is detracting rather than adding, and hurting the suspense of the story. The sighs and chuckles are unnecessary, or rather, there is probably a better way to include them. This story doesn't have a mass appeal on SH, but I would recommend it to any dao enthusiast.

?‍Bleh-Bleh, Bleh?‍
???????​

 

[RepresentingWrath]

Bump.

 

[TheKillingAlice]

I might murder myself here, but I think your rating system is funny.
That said, here a new story, barely anything there, but since I'm guessing it will take a while, so I will put it on anyway. In the thread is okay with me, just murder it if you want to.
Would be very nice, vampire lady

Of Crows and Butterflies [LitRPG]

He was the King, the big Brother. He was the first among all others. And one day, he decided to vanish. This is the story of Milton, who died an old man, just to be reborn as Isaac Layer and start anew, setting out for another quiet life in the...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[manwithastick]

If you would kindly review my story!

Toward Demarcus.

Highly Inspired by Tbate, Lotm and Jobless Reincarnation amongst others. Expect rich world building like Lotm, character developments like Jobless Reincarnation and Hype moments similar to Tbate. The past memories that were like shackles bounding me was one lifted up when I found myself...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Jay_stylez]

Hey if possible i would love a reply from you, and i'd rather it be on the pm if you don't mind.

The little cat from bail more

This is the story of a cat who was born ill and was killed by its mother being too weak to exist. The life of Mau was short, but now with the opportunity to live again in a world of fantasy and advanced technology, he is determined not only to...

www.scribblehub.com