Envy's Free Feedback Thread [Thread Closed]

[Deleted member 84247]

Still a WIP so I can't send a link. have this TXT file instead

?Preface ?
I am not a professional reviewer/author, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
Writing Enjoyment: ????(4/5)​

This will be my complete unbiased feedback for Pebble. First off, I like your writing. It flows really well, and it is easily understood. Even though there are some mistakes, it seems like it is because this hasn't really been edited. Your prose is good, and you don't place in abundant superfluous details. I can't give you full marks though because there are mistakes. Your narration style is pretty unique too, and I don't really know how to describe it. I guess, I would say it is full of personality. It is third person, but it is more connected.

Personal Enjoyment: ???(3/5)​

With only one chapter there really isn't much to say. The chapter was fun to read, and it kept me engaged throughout. There are intriguing details that hook you in, and the last line about getting revenge definitely serves as a good opener to the story. There isn't too much mystery that I feel overwhelmed, but there is just enough to have me asking a bunch of questions. I can safely say I am eager to learn more about this world as it seems a mix between fantasy and modern (?) Whatever it is, it is definitely a unique setting to be sure.

Appeal: ?‍?‍?‍(3/5)​

I can see this appealing to a decent sized audience after the first chapter is edited, but without having more to work with, I am unsure. There are many concepts that scribblehub readers find intriguing here, but I don't even really know the whole gist of the story. I just have a text file to work with after all, and the first chapter is sort of enigma with concepts that have yet to be explored.

?Conclusion?​

Your writing is good, unsurprisingly. Your prose flows really well, and the only errors I suspect are because it is unedited. There are concepts here to hook people into the story, and it is a nice read. (Give me more chapters or you will lose your phone again)

?‍Bleh-Bleh, Bleh?‍
???????​

 

[greyblob]

ashes to ashes

 

[APieceOfRock]

When the ashes are two, a flame alighteth.

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

Thank you, I will see how posting on royal road goes.

 

[M.G.Driver]

Y laugh

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

Y laugh

Because you already have posted to RR with a bunch of success! So I found it pretty funny.

 

[Ellieporter]

Awaiting your feedback

 

[ElasticDotLine]

Hi! I'm interested in a review! In the thread is fine.
Eccentric Fate | Scribble Hub

 

[Little-Moon]

Hello, since I have been dipping my toes into feeback threats I would like to try. You can post into the threat.

Ninetails

 

[Deleted member 84247]

Hi! I wanna take your time to see what you think of my story:D thread is fine, thanks!
This Player is Quite Dazzling
View attachment 18750

?Preface ?
I am not a professional reviewer/author, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
Writing Enjoyment: ???(3/5)​

Your writing could use a bit of work. I didn't notice any grammatical errors, spelling issues, or punctuation errors. That being said, you over explain things quite a bit. There are many times throughout the prologue that words or phrases could be cut, and the meaning wouldn't change. "That's right. The main protagonist of the story, Lunis, who was currently known as Lucas Stuvian, was feeling frustrated." Things like this pull me out of the story. There is no need to say who the main protagonist is in such a way. Also, if you do say it, you don't need to say "that's right" before hand. Even sentences like this, "Every time I hit the box out of frustration, my interface taunted me with the same repetitive content." They could be shortened. You don't need to say "out of frustration", we know he is frustrated from the other context. Those were just 2 examples, but there were many more I noticed.

Personal Enjoyment: ???(3/5)​

Despite all of the writing issues, it is fairly enjoyable, but the prologue doesn't really hook me into the story. Admittedly, this is because of the things I pointed out in the writing section. Every time the MC over explains something, it pulls me out. The descriptions are way to on the nose, and the sentences overexplain things. Remember that sometimes less is more. Instead of the MC thinking all the time, you can have them react to it with an action over a thought. Lastly, my readers preference doesn't really vibe with this type of story much. That isn't a problem for you though as I will soon get to.

Appeal: ?‍?‍?‍(3/5)​

Even with the problems this story does appeal to the scribble hub audience. It is gender bender; however, it is female to male gender bender, which is less popular than the inverse. That being said, it is fantasy, LitRPG, etc. It has a ton of the stuff that readers here on SH look for. It is just not my cup of tea personally, but I can see it gaining some traction. The fact that you have 42 readers with only 2 chapters is already a good thing. Though, you haven't updated in a while.

?Conclusion?​

The writing needs work. You could benefit from cutting out unnecessary explanations and words/phrases that don't add anything. The story does appeal to some of the SH audience, but you will need to keep a consistent upload schedule.

?‍Bleh-Bleh, Bleh?‍
???????​

 

[greyblob]

drop... drip... drop...

 

[Deleted member 84247]

Anna’s Dream | Scribble Hub

Let me know what you think. Also posting your feedback on the thread is good with me.

?Preface ?
I am not a professional reviewer/author, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
Writing Enjoyment: ??(2/5)​

Your writing needs a fair amount of work. There is way to much "tell" going on, and the story does not capture me in the first chapter. It is full of exposition, and the interactions between Anna and the villagers does not feel plausible. Many times throughout Anna would say a simple thing, and the reply feels unrealistic. When she asked that woman for a place to stay, the woman should have only pointed her to the inn. The other stuff she says just takes away rather than adding anything, and there are several times this happens. Another thing I noticed is that you put "Anna thought" after she is having thoughts. You don't need to quote thoughts or have them with a dialogue tag. Simply put the thoughts in italics.

Personal Enjoyment: ??(2/5)​

I did not find this chapter very enjoyable. The first chapter of a story should serve to hook in your audience, but this is way to much exposition in my opinion. The interactions don't feel plausible, and the flow is sometimes very choppy. Remember that every time you put a period there is a pause. I can understand using short sentences for impact, but there are way to many here for me personally. I found my attention wandering quite a bit as I read.

Appeal: ?‍?‍(2/5)​

I can say with confidence that this does not appeal to the SH audience. I considered giving it 1?‍, but it does have the correct genres and an OP main character. If you want to grow an audience this first chapter needs a lot of work. It is way to wordy, and most of it is filled with exposition that the readers of SH won't care about. I really recommend cutting out most of the stuff in the first chapter, and making the interactions between characters more enjoyable.

?Conclusion?​

The first chapter does not hook me into the story. There are too many problems from wordiness to interactions that are unrealistic. If you want to appeal to the SH reader base these problems will need to be addressed. (As an aside I recommend putting her thoughts in italics, and not having the "she thought"s)

?‍Bleh-Bleh, Bleh?‍
???????​

 

[Seaspecter]

?Preface ?
I am not a professional reviewer/author, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
Writing Enjoyment: ??(2/5)​

Your writing needs a fair amount of work. There is way to much "tell" going on, and the story does not capture me in the first chapter. It is full of exposition, and the interactions between Anna and the villagers does not feel plausible. Many times throughout Anna would say a simple thing, and the reply feels unrealistic. When she asked that woman for a place to stay, the woman should have only pointed her to the inn. The other stuff she says just takes away rather than adding anything, and there are several times this happens. Another thing I noticed is that you put "Anna thought" after she is having thoughts. You don't need to quote thoughts or have them with a dialogue tag. Simply put the thoughts in italics.

Personal Enjoyment: ??(2/5)​

I did not find this chapter very enjoyable. The first chapter of a story should serve to hook in your audience, but this is way to much exposition in my opinion. The interactions don't feel plausible, and the flow is sometimes very choppy. Remember that every time you put a period there is a pause. I can understand using short sentences for impact, but there are way to many here for me personally. I found my attention wandering quite a bit as I read.

Appeal: ?‍?‍(2/5)​

I can say with confidence that this does not appeal to the SH audience. I considered giving it 1?‍, but it does have the correct genres and an OP main character. If you want to grow an audience this first chapter needs a lot of work. It is way to wordy, and most of it is filled with exposition that the readers of SH won't care about. I really recommend cutting out most of the stuff in the first chapter, and making the interactions between characters more enjoyable.

?Conclusion?​

The first chapter does not hook me into the story. There are too many problems from wordiness to interactions that are unrealistic. If you want to appeal to the SH reader base these problems will need to be addressed. (As an aside I recommend putting her thoughts in italics, and not having the "she thought"s)

?‍Bleh-Bleh, Bleh?‍
???????​

My story suck seems to be the consensus from the feedback folks on here oh well thanks for taking a look anyways.

 

[Deleted member 84247]

My story suck seems to be the consensus from the feedback folks on here oh well thanks for taking a look anyways.

I never said your story sucks. I said I didn't enjoy it, but you have a review on your story from Luna who liked your story. Just because I don't enjoy it doesn't mean "Your story sucks".

 

[Seaspecter]

I never said your story sucks. I said I didn't enjoy it, but you have a review on your story from Luna who liked your story. Just because I don't enjoy it doesn't mean "Your story sucks".

I kind of regret asking for feedback at this point. I had just made a post offering to do some reviews, something I like to do and figured why not ask a few others what they thought of my story. Out of the four that I asked the three that got back to me had about the same opinion, that my writing is poor, my story is boring, and the first chapter doesn't make readers want to keep reading after that I asked the fourth person not to bother.

To be honest I'm probably just being defensive at this point and I even agree that the first chapter needs work. I wrote that the first week I started writing and haven't changed it since, other than reformat it so I'm sure I could do better at this point.

So thank you for your feedback and for your time.

Also I did end up changing the thoughts to italics I just haven't re done the first thirty chapters because I'm lazy and I don't want to.

This is what my new format looks like if you're interested, this chapter is also one of my favorites, so if you want you can look at it.

Anna’s Dream - Chapter 52 | Scribble Hub

 

[LunaSoltaer]

(A textbook case of the dark side of the emotions of a writer)

The sting hurts, but you ventured.

That alone is commendable. Like, I still don't have the ovaries to expose my first work to review threads because of the shyness and the fear.

You ventured and you gained.

Don't regret. That's your angsty shadow talking. I actually had a bit of that earlier comparing my most recent fight scene with my first one. Like Luna, the HELLs were you thinking?!

Something you may consider is revising your early chapters with the experience you have gained. I wouldn't say change up your story dramatically, right? There IS a core drive to it and it definitely slots into this niche which as I said is "cozy silly book to read when you want a breather"

But since this is your first book, yeah your later chapters are going to be far stronger than your early ones. You can graft the style and prose down while keeping the fundamental core of the story.

 

[Seaspecter]

The sting hurts, but you ventured.

That alone is commendable. Like, I still don't have the ovaries to expose my first work to review threads because of the shyness and the fear.

You ventured and you gained.

Don't regret. That's your angsty shadow talking. I actually had a bit of that earlier comparing my most recent fight scene with my first one. Like Luna, the HELLs were you thinking?!

Something you may consider is revising your early chapters with the experience you have gained. I wouldn't say change up your story dramatically, right? There IS a core drive to it and it definitely slots into this niche which as I said is "cozy silly book to read when you want a breather"

But since this is your first book, yeah your later chapters are going to be far stronger than your early ones. You can graft the style and prose down while keeping the fundamental core of the story.

Thanks I appreciate you I really do.

I really think it was just because it was one after another so like I said I just got defensive.

I really should bring my older chapters up to the current ones standards I've just been lazy, it's 90k worth so yeah, maybe one day.

 

[Deleted member 84247]

Sorry to anyone who submitted late, but I won't be giving anymore feedback for the foreseeable future.

 

[Deleted member 84247]

Alright, it has been less than three months, so I can still re-open. I will start the next feedback tomorrow, and bump the thread now. (The words were spoken, so it will be done.)

Sorry to anyone who submitted late, but I won't be giving anymore feedback for the foreseeable future.

You were wrong past me. We will strive to do better. ?

 

[ArrogantYoungMaster]

Arrogan't