En-chan's Feedback Part 2 [5/5]

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Keene said:
The Stubborn Skill-Grinder In A Time Loop's author is in shambles right now.

I'll put Amelia Thornheart up to the chopping block, Isekai/Adventure/Steampunk/GL/Romance etc etc :blob_salute: :blob_sir:

www.scribblehub.com

Amelia Thornheart

After years of fighting a terrible disease, Amelia finds herself transported into a mysterious world, right into the quarters of a demon captain! Free from her years of suffering, Amelia decides to face this new reality with optimism and cheerfulness! Strangely, she seems to have a new body...
www.scribblehub.com www.scribblehub.com
Click to expand...
En-Chan's Feedback 2

All vampire feedback should be taken with a healthy grain of salt. Don't forget to carry garlic with you if you don't like my Opinion.

Keene: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1133096/amelia-thornheart/

Vampire Judgement: Wordy Sentences, Info dumping, Mehbleh flow, and So-So punctuation

Before I dive in, this feedback will be summaries, and the notes with quotes will be a PDF.
Writing Enjoyment: ??(2/5)​
Your grammar is decent, but punctuation needs a lot of work. There were instances of misused commas, missing commas, too many commas, and not enough full-stops.

When you write a sentence, the goal should not be to make the longest sentences possible. I have an exercise for you. Speak your sentences out loud. Do not take a breath unless there is a comma or period. Comma will be a half breath, and a period will be a full breath. You will discover the problem with your sentences quickly.

This story needs a lot of trimming and more periods.
Personal Enjoyment: ???(3/5)​
I am hesitant to give this three ?because of the info dumps and over explaining things, but the first two chapters I genuinely enjoyed. You lost me in chapters 3 and 4, but chapter 5 was okay.

Anytime you take a shift into description and exposition, you are halting the flow of the story. Can you do exposition in narration? Absolutely, but the way it is done here isn't great. It's like you front-loaded the novel with explanations. If I wasn't giving a feedback, I am not sure I'd have read past chapter 3.

If you can fix the wordiness and info dumping, I would enjoy reading the story much more. As it is, this needs a lot of trimming.
Scribble Appeal: ???(3/5)​
I can't argue the appeal of this story. It has GL, Fantasy, Etc. All of the things readers here like are part of the genres. But you would lose many readers for wordiness.
?Conclusion?​
I know this feedback was shorter, but I will leave the PDF. Same as last time. I am covering major points with the summaries, and the feedback will have all of the helpful quotes. If you take nothing away from this, fix the wordy sentences. Fix the redundant words. I urge you to do the exercise I talked about. Do not take a breath unless there is a comma or period. Comma will be a half breath, and a period will be a full breath.

?‍♀️Bleh-Bleh, Bleh?‍♀️
???????

I attached a PDF with all notes.​
 

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Keene

Keene

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RepresentingEnvy said:

?Conclusion?​
I know this feedback was shorter, but I will leave the PDF. Same as last time. I am covering major points with the summaries, and the feedback will have all of the helpful quotes. If you take nothing away from this, fix the wordy sentences. Fix the redundant words. I urge you to do the exercise I talked about. Do not take a breath unless there is a comma or period. Comma will be a half breath, and a period will be a full breath.
Click to expand...

Thanks for highlighting this exercise! I thought I was re-reading my chapter out loud before publishing, in an attempt to do what you suggested, but looking back at it, I suppose I sort of mumbled as I did so and was thus half reading out loud and half reading in my head so I will make sure in the future I make a conscious effort to do it properly, so that I can eliminate sentences that run on with too many commas, like this one, that, against all the odds, still hasn't been killed off with a period, but, what can I say, there is an element of personal preference to it! :blob_wink:

Comments on the amount of exposition and the way it's handled are very interesting. I'm rather new to writing to an audience and so I'm essentially still writing the chapters in line with my personal preference and not thinking too hard about optimizing or changing things specifically for a greater audience. As more feedback comes in, both from other threads and reader's comments, I'll have to make a mental note to keep track of whether the exposition is a continuous problem for others since it is such a subjective part of a reader's preference.

I will go through the PDF at a later date and make some notes for myself. I expect at some point in the future I'll do a half rewrite of the opening ten chapters, as my skill as a writer increases!

Thanks for your time and effort in reviewing the novel! :blob_cookie:
 
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Keene said:
Thanks for highlighting this exercise! I thought I was re-reading my chapter out loud before publishing, in an attempt to do what you suggested, but looking back at it, I suppose I sort of mumbled as I did so and was thus half reading out loud and half reading in my head so I will make sure in the future I make a conscious effort to do it properly, so that I can eliminate sentences that run on with too many commas, like this one, that, against all the odds, still hasn't been killed off with a period, but, what can I say, there is an element of personal preference to it! :blob_wink:

Comments on the amount of exposition and the way it's handled are very interesting. I'm rather new to writing to an audience and so I'm essentially still writing the chapters in line with my personal preference and not thinking too hard about optimizing or changing things specifically for a greater audience. As more feedback comes in, both from other threads and reader's comments, I'll have to make a mental note to keep track of whether the exposition is a continuous problem for others since it is such a subjective part of a reader's preference.

I will go through the PDF at a later date and make some notes for myself. I expect at some point in the future I'll do a half rewrite of the opening ten chapters, as my skill as a writer increases!

Thanks for your time and effort in reviewing the novel! :blob_cookie:
Click to expand...
No problem. Most of these things are subjective, but I think having redundant words or phrases is objectively not good. How you want to do exposition is up to you, but either way, many words and phrases can be cut. Sometimes they don't add anything and only serve to make the text longer. You will see when you get around to the PDF.
 
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TakeoMasaki

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Hey @RepresentingEnvy not to rush you or anything, but I was wondering whether you will complete your feedback also on my book? Your feedback to the others was so good, I was really hoping for it! Of course, I understand if you have other things to do :)
 
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daight said:
Thank you in advance for your glorious feedback!

www.scribblehub.com

Esmeria

Raised as a slave in a forsaken realm where time seemed frozen, Regina resigned herself to her fate. Her existence was a stagnant cycle until a mysterious stranger shattered her quiet acceptance. 'Come with me,' the stranger beckoned. Driven by fear and the promise of escape, Regina made a...
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En-chan's Feedback 3

All vampire feedback should be taken with a healthy grain of salt. Don't forget to carry garlic with you if you don't like my Opinion.
Daight: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1059845/esmeria/


Vampire Judgement: Too many perspectives, A decline, Silly dialogue, Odd formatting, and Too much "telling"

Writing Enjoyment: ???(3/5)​
There are not many egregious errors in terms of grammar, spelling, and punctuation. However, I do not like the formatting. I wouldn't make dialogue blue. It's not a great choice in my opinion, and you can differentiate dialogue by simple quotations. The internal speech can be made into italics, rather than the distracting orange text.

The spacing is also odd. At some points it's three spaces, and at some points it's two spaces. Then the paragraphs are oddly separated by a space that seems to be still contained within the same piece of dialogue.

I recommend wholly cutting out the blue and orange text. It only distracts readers, and it doesn't do anything to enhance the experience.

This brings me to my last point about silly dialogue. Including "Sigh" at the beginning of a piece of dialogue makes me think the character is saying it, especially when it's not under an asterisk.

Personal Enjoyment: ??(2/5)​
To start this section, I do not enjoy the story. The first chapter brought me some enjoyment with the small twist, but I thought the story was going to take a different turn. After that, it became more of a generic fantasy.

There are too many perspectives between chapters. We can go from the beginning with the focus on the main characters, to the next chapter having random characters slaughtered by the wolf, but I have no idea why we are supposed to care as readers. The story is a decline after the first chapter all the way to the fifth.

There's also a bit of randomness introduced. We're given the perspective of royalty of another kingdom, and then after that we go back to the main characters on a boat and this small side story with the slime, but it's all so random.

And there's too much telling. For each character in the story we're actually told what they do through the narration. The slaver guy who locked the slime in a cage, we're directly told what he is in narration. The same is true for the royal guy in the kingdom with his disdain for the current governance. And the characters plotting against that guy read as cartoon characters.

If this story had gone towards a different path at the beginning I might've enjoyed it more. The whole ruined city bit was interesting at least, but after that I can't garner any more attention. And I don't really like the usage of skills inside of it. That was another piece which started the decline.

Scribble Appeal: ?‍♀️(1/5)​
This story has no appeal with a scribble hub audience. Firstly, I would get rid of blue and orange text altogether. Readers will find it more distracting than anything. Secondly, I don't think this is a genre which will get a lot of traction. That's fine, you can write what you want, but the perspective also makes readers not able to keep track of everything that's going on.

?Conclusion?​
Please drop the orange and blue text. Also, stop switching so many perspectives. I cannot get interested in anyone in this story. Remove and trim some of the silly dialogue. Remove the character backstories dropped by narrations. And if you want to appeal to a larger audience, some things will have to change.

There's no PDF this time. Quoting things in PDF's makes my work a lot more challenging, and I feel like it isn't helping as much as I wanted it to.


?‍♀️Bleh-Bleh, Bleh?‍♀️
???????
​
 
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PBJ_Time

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Shot in the dark, but I'm gonna ask feedback for my draft here to see if you have the time. If you do, let's say my story's setting is less inspired by standard isekai RPG mechanics and more inspired by the roguelike genre, especially Vampire Survivors and HoloCure.
docs.google.com

Beware the Horde

Synopsis Too raw to live, too far to die. Hajime expected the usual things upon being reborn into another world: dragons, magic, a skill system, or maybe even some “chosen hero” prophecy. Instead, he gets an open field and a million slimes surrounding him at every corner. Once the slimes ...
docs.google.com docs.google.com
P.S. The latest chapter will most likely be incomplete because I don't have a tight writing schedule.
 
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Deleted member 84247

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PBJ_Time said:
Shot in the dark, but I'm gonna ask feedback for my draft here to see if you have the time. If you do, let's say my story's setting is less inspired by standard isekai RPG mechanics and more inspired by the roguelike genre, especially Vampire Survivors and HoloCure.
docs.google.com

Beware the Horde

Synopsis Too raw to live, too far to die. Hajime expected the usual things upon being reborn into another world: dragons, magic, a skill system, or maybe even some “chosen hero” prophecy. Instead, he gets an open field and a million slimes surrounding him at every corner. Once the slimes ...
docs.google.com docs.google.com
P.S. The latest chapter will most likely be incomplete because I don't have a tight writing schedule.
Click to expand...
Sadly, I have already accepted all of the ones I will do feedbacks for, even after cutting out one, but if I eventually make another thread, I will remember to include you first of all. You can look through some of the feedbacks I have already done and compare your story with notes in the PDFs. If you have some of the same problems, try and start there.
RepresentingEnvy said:
Sadly, I have already accepted all of the ones I will do feedbacks for, even after cutting out one, but if I eventually make another thread, I will remember to include you first of all. You can look through some of the feedbacks I have already done and compare your story with notes in the PDFs. If you have some of the same problems, try and start there.
Click to expand...
It's very unlikely I will ever dip my toes into feedback again. Sorry to say, but if you want feedback, I would look for other people's threads.
 
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TakeoMasaki said:
Here is mine. Feedback would be very much appreciated!
www.scribblehub.com

The Network

'The Network' is a gripping sci-fi thriller that propels Niko Tesic from a struggling nanomedicine researcher into the heart of a top-secret government project. Unearthed from a mysterious alien artifact, advanced nanorobots hold the potential to revolutionize medicine. However, it also harbors...
www.scribblehub.com www.scribblehub.com
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En-Chan's Feedback 4


All vampire feedback should be taken with a healthy grain of salt. Don't forget to carry garlic with you if you don't like my Opinion.

TakeoMasaki: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1130997/the-network/

Vampire Diagnosis: Good introduction, Good flow, but Slow pacing

Writing Enjoyment: ????(4/5)​
Your prose is good, but there are times when you can do a bit of trimming. It was most noticeable with long dialogue pieces. The other things I could point out would be nitpicks and style choices. Overall, I can't say much about the writing because it's good.

Personal Enjoyment: ? ? ? ? (4/5)​
I have enjoyed what I've read from you so far, but this is an unfortunate problem. The story is a slow-burner thriller. None of the things which would make this a thriller start in the first chapters. It's all a build up to everything with pieces of what I assume is foreshadowing dumped in. Overall, I like the build up you have going, but it's a bit of an impossible task to rate a thriller with a slower start.

The pacing is a bit slow, and I think you can trim it a bit to get to the big reveal by chapter 5, or possibly, you can combine the chapters? I have no way of knowing if you drop the ball on the thriller bits, so it's unfortunate.

Scribble Appeal: ?‍♀️?‍♀️(2/5)​
I think you will struggle to build an audience on this site. Thrillers aren't well-loved by the scribble hub audience, and the pacing at the start is slow.

?Conclusion?​
I know I didn't have much to say, but that's a testament to the good introduction. The character interactions are believable, but I'd probably work on trimming some of the longer bits of dialogue. I don't think this story will garner much of an audience on Scribble Hub, but that doesn't say anything about you as an author.

There's no PDF this time. Quoting things in PDF's makes my work a lot more challenging, and I feel like it isn't helping as much as I wanted it to.

?‍♀️Bleh-Bleh, Bleh ?‍♀️
???????
​
 
T

TakeoMasaki

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Messages
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Points
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RepresentingEnvy said:
En-Chan's Feedback 4


All vampire feedback should be taken with a healthy grain of salt. Don't forget to carry garlic with you if you don't like my Opinion.

TakeoMasaki: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1130997/the-network/

Vampire Diagnosis: Good introduction, Good flow, but Slow pacing

Writing Enjoyment: ????(4/5)​
Your prose is good, but there are times when you can do a bit of trimming. It was most noticeable with long dialogue pieces. The other things I could point out would be nitpicks and style choices. Overall, I can't say much about the writing because it's good.

Personal Enjoyment: ? ? ? ? (4/5)​
I have enjoyed what I've read from you so far, but this is an unfortunate problem. The story is a slow-burner thriller. None of the things which would make this a thriller start in the first chapters. It's all a build up to everything with pieces of what I assume is foreshadowing dumped in. Overall, I like the build up you have going, but it's a bit of an impossible task to rate a thriller with a slower start.

The pacing is a bit slow, and I think you can trim it a bit to get to the big reveal by chapter 5, or possibly, you can combine the chapters? I have no way of knowing if you drop the ball on the thriller bits, so it's unfortunate.

Scribble Appeal: ?‍♀️?‍♀️(2/5)​
I think you will struggle to build an audience on this site. Thrillers aren't well-loved by the scribble hub audience, and the pacing at the start is slow.

?Conclusion?​
I know I didn't have much to say, but that's a testament to the good introduction. The character interactions are believable, but I'd probably work on trimming some of the longer bits of dialogue. I don't think this story will garner much of an audience on Scribble Hub, but that doesn't say anything about you as an author.

There's no PDF this time. Quoting things in PDF's makes my work a lot more challenging, and I feel like it isn't helping as much as I wanted it to.

?‍♀️Bleh-Bleh, Bleh ?‍♀️
???????
​
Click to expand...
Hey @RepresentingEnvy thanks so much for your feedback. It is indeed some foreshadowing in the first chapters and the action starts around the middle (the book is completed and has 280 pages), but I'm glad you have enjoyed it! I agree with the ScribbleHub appeal, as I barely generated any followers and readers so far, but I kind of hope this might change slightly if I put the completed book up. I am also publishing this on RoyalRoad, where it is also not really on genre (I still don't know which site is suitable for this genre) but even on RR it generated 350followers so far.

Thanks again and all the best!
Takeo
 
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Deleted member 84247

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TakeoMasaki said:
Hey @RepresentingEnvy thanks so much for your feedback. It is indeed some foreshadowing in the first chapters and the action starts around the middle (the book is completed and has 280 pages), but I'm glad you have enjoyed it! I agree with the ScribbleHub appeal, as I barely generated any followers and readers so far, but I kind of hope this might change slightly if I put the completed book up. I am also publishing this on RoyalRoad, where it is also not really on genre (I still don't know which site is suitable for this genre) but even on RR it generated 350followers so far.

Thanks again and all the best!
Takeo
Click to expand...
Royal Road usually sees LitRPG get popular. Basically, anything with systems and numbers. Granted, I don't know all of RR since I don't use it. SH's most popular genre is Fantasy, usually combining Isekai into that. Girls Love is also popular. It's overwhelmingly a Fantasy audience on both sites from what I have seen.
 
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