En-chan's Feedback 1
All vampire feedback should be taken with a healthy grain of salt. Don't forget to carry garlic with you if you don't like my Opinion.
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Vampire Judgement: Misalignment, Tonal shifting, Poor Introductory Phrases, Info dumping, and So-So Grammar
Writing Enjoyment: ??(2/5)
If it were down to only grammar, I'd be able to give you 3 ?. The most common grammatical errors were sentences spliced together with a comma and a few instances of tense changes. (Though those were less common.)
Let's start with introductory phrases. Your story contains many instances of poor introductory phrasing or unnecessary and redundant introductory phrases.
"I'm Feick. What's your name, boy?"
Suddenly, the boy seemed to go back to being terrified as he whispered, "I... I... don't know," he clutched his head.
In the second paragraph here, the word suddenly adds nothing. No, it takes away from something sudden happening. Anytime a reader sees a word like this at the beginning, they will know that something sudden is about to happen. Instead, you should simply have the sudden thing happen.
Finished looking around his environment, Cain gazed up and stared at the sky.
This is an example of an introductory phrase that works to confuse the reader. It feels of kilter from the text before it, and it harms the flow of the story. The reader doesn't have to know every time Cain finishes looking around. It would be better to say: "Cain gazed up at the sky." Then describe what he sees a little.
Staring so much, Feick noticed Cain looking at him and told him to stop.
Another example. "Staring so much" can be dropped. It creates an unnecessary redundancy. For that matter, this sentence is awkward to read. A better version would read like this: "Feick noticed Cain staring and told him to stop."
Looking down, he raised his pale hand. It was almost translucent, he could see his veins.
This will be my last one on introductory phrases, but again, you don’t have to describe every time the character looks, so "looking down" is also an unnecessary introductory phrase.
More of those continue throughout the story, but I don't want to spend this whole section on those. The next issue is the so-so grammar. In this section, I will also talk about more redundancy in the text.
His mind reeled, struggling to grasp his predicament. He wanted to believe this was some horrid dream, that he'd wake up in a warm bed, memories intact. But the smell of the swamp dispelled those illusions.
All the child knew was that this place was extremely foreign; he was alone and afraid.
“Struggling to grasp…” can be cut and nothing would change. “His mind reeled. He wanted to believe he’d awake from the horrid dream, memories intact. But the smell of the swamp dispelled those illusions.”
This is written in a more active voice.
You are also in love with the word "as." And usages of too many commas.
Cain listened as
“As”
as he sat up in clarity.
“As”
The Landfill, as Feick called it, was a place that lives up to its name
There are mistakes with tenses. “A place that ‘lived’ up to its name.” This is another instance of telling us readers the place lived up to its name. When we can see that. “It’s called a Landfill,” so make it feel like a landfill without saying it lived up to its name.
I could continue with these things, but this section is already dragging on, along with the redundant phrases! Contagious redundant phrases!
Personal Enjoyment: ?? (2/5)
This could have scored higher, but now I am hesitant to even give 2 ?. The
major reasons are the huge tonal shifting and misalignment, so I will start with that.
The very beginning we start with dead bodies and even walking through fecal matter sludge. There are crows, setting a potentially dark tone for the future, but that is broken rather quickly, seemingly trying to get reset by chapter 4 and 5.
You gave me this image in my head, and then it quickly starts to disappear.
"Okay!"
Cain spoke with joy, and his mood shifted, taking a one-eighty, it was suspicious...
There is no point of telling the reader it was suspicious. We know it was suspicious. It also doesn’t make it less weird even when you say it. The tonal shift that happens in this chapter would make many drop it anyway.
As the boy dug, Feick explained the world, watching him work.
Cain shoveled dirt as fast as he could, making great progress on the hole. From their conversations, the boy proved himself to be as curious as they come, making Feick hold nothing back, his words overflowing and captivating the young lad.
This is like a nothing burger. Feick explained the world to the boy? What does that mean for the reader? It is explaining that essentially Feick is giving Cain an infodump instead of us.
"People like you are uncommon, but even us common folk know of you... hehe.
This brings me to more dialogue problems, other than infodumps. The “hehe” feels so off, and it reminds me of those 8bit games.
Feick's smile slowly turned sour. "Hell if I know. I was born here, and I'll die here too. People worry about living before they can go off to la-la land and figure out what's beyond the retching lands we live in. This is the landfill; only try to survive, nothing else!"
Feick spoke solemnly, even becoming a little agitated. The people here had resentment for their strange fate.
“The people here had resentment for their strange fate.” Comments like this are out of place and pull me away from the flow of the story. It is anti-flow.
A little ways away from the burial site, a tree seemed to come to life.
With the sound of splintering wood, the truck opened to show a bright green glow, as if some otherworldly creature attempted to wear mortal flesh.
The branches swayed, pointing in the direction where Cain and Feick were.
"Finally....after so long. A proper pawn has come! I can change my Fate!"
The tree shook with excitement before its green light dimmed and the bark returned to normal.
First chapter ends in a perspective swap with obvious foreboding foreshadowing? It’s unnecessary. Not only does it pull me out of the story, it contributes to the odd tones.
"Amazing aren't they? I heard from someone in a bar once that there used to be other things in the sky. Don't believe him and still don't. Hehe, you get to hear a thing or two when you go for a drink. Hah... we live in a strange world. When I'm burying bodies, I always see the wounds or symptoms of what killed them, I've gone nights without sleeping and days without blinking. But there's a beauty to it, a strange beauty."
More of the hehe’s, and this also serves as more info dumping, disguised as dialogue.
"Sigh. Just remember that I don't know everything or even a lot, for that matter." Feick softened his tone, realizing he had scolded a child.
“Sigh.” Things like this also make it tonally different. I’d not be able to tell you the tone of the story from the first two chapters, and that is not a good look. We also haven't established Cain's character. Things are sort of happening to him, but he is more like an amorphous blob.
"Well, it should help with the liver pain, in simple terms," John spoke with a wisp of intellect permeating from his person.
NO! No! No! Someone does not speak with a wisp of intellect from their person. There are other ways to show this without saying that. Describe the character John as if he fits the bill for an “intellectual person” would even be better.
"I swear he wasn't there, and then he was! He even pissed himself when he saw me. Hehe." Feick laughed in amusement.
The tonal shift is getting hard to get used to. This is why the first chapter does a poor job.
Cain exclaimed. "I can get a stronger body?!"
Again, this boy has such a misaligned personality from the first chapter.
Although he didn't know it, Cain's irises widened, making him look just like a puppy. Causing John's heart to skip a beat.
This line made it hard not to physically cringe IRL. This story turned from bodies and walking through fecal matter sludge to this.
Cain's eyes still held, his large puppy iris wearing John down.
Same thing.
This tonal shifting seems to mount and mount and mount, until it is broken by a random event that makes the story "dark" again, but the event seemed so forced. It also creates a different type of dark. The words shall speak for themselves.
In an alleyway on the northeast side of Yoen, a young blonde-haired youth sat on a barrel surrounded by other youths. They looked to be around 16 to 17 years old.
They were the typical rich kids trying to "act cool".
Ominous situation is very ominous, and again, it doesn’t fit well into the story. It’s so odd and awkwardly inserted.
"But boss! He came from the clinic. Isn't there a law for all Contaminated to be checked up on by plague doctors?"
More info dumping, and if it’s common knowledge why is he asking? Is he stupid?
In the town of Yoen, on a sidewalk, a boy was staring into a store. His face held within it all the innocence in the world. He was content as he peered inside the storefront windows.
As the boy gazed into the store, a group of teenagers approached, surrounding him.
Spotting them, Cain turned to face them. "Hello how are you-"
...It is like you are trying to gain back the original dark tone, but this is an entirely different genre of dark. The first gave me some kind of idea of grimdark, but this is more edge.
In the town of Yoen, five years had passed.
A random timeskip?
Cain was 18 years old; he'd grown taller and became smarter.
Instead of us seeing him become smarter we are relegated to learning it in a piece of narration?
Cain never cracked a smile, he no longer appeared innocent. The youth brushed off John's jokes and kept to himself, often disappearing for hours alone. His eyes grew stormy, and his voice low.
I don’t like the direction the story turned. I am all for dark things, but this went a different dark path than the premise.
Scribble Appeal: ?
?(2/5)
This story would appeal to a larger audience if the tonal shifting was fixed. Many would potentially drop it from that alone. The genres and tags aren't bad for gaining readers, and I genuinely thought the beginning was pretty good. But it took a nosedive with the "hehes" and random plot.
?Conclusion?
Please, if you take nothing else away from this, fix the redundant introductory phrases and the tonal shifting/misalignment! Like I said before, the beginning was okay, but it took a turn for the worse relatively quickly.
?Bleh-Bleh, Bleh?
???????
I attached a PDF with all notes.
