Doravg's free feedback thread (Closed to catch up with all the requests)

[Deleted member 68927]

Lowly Ascent

Within a desolate realm, where discarded worlds were stitched together, a rupture tore open, releasing a small child into the fragmented expanse. Above him, the sky revealed three eerie moons, while an ominous black mass loomed ominously in their wake. Disoriented and engulfed by a putrid...

www.scribblehub.com

First few chapters I plan to revise soon but I would be glad to hear your thoughts :)

Your story doesn't have depth. It is as if I am reading a dry report. Is it your first story? Maybe ask one of your long-time readers for input. They should know better than me.

Maybe my story will help you relax a bit ;3 I hope you'll like it

Girlguide: A Girl’s Guide To Writing Female Characters!

Kai, an aspiring light novel author, has always had his path to success hindered by his inability to write female characters. However, everything changes when he wakes up one day as a young girl. This change becomes his chance to gain a deeper understanding of women, hoping to take his...

www.scribblehub.com

The thread is closed.

 

[Jaymi]

Your story doesn't have depth. It is as if I am reading a dry report. Is it your first story? Maybe ask one of your long-time readers for input. They should know better than me.

The thread is closed.

oh sorry, act like i wasn't here then ^_^

 

[Deleted member 68927]

Hey my name is jay, could you check out my novel when you get the chance, no rush. It's my first time writing on here so i only have one chapter out, I have more somewhere else but idk if it's ok to promote other apps on here.

The little cat from bail more

This is the story of a cat who was born ill and was killed by its mother being too weak to exist. The life of Mau was short, but now with the opportunity to live again in a world of fantasy and advanced technology, he is determined not only to...

www.scribblehub.com

done

 

[TheKillingAlice]

done

I humbly thank you for your time and effort, that you put into this. ?‍

 

[AdOtherwise]

Your story doesn't have depth. It is as if I am reading a dry report. Is it your first story? Maybe ask one of your long-time readers for input. They should know better than me.

The thread is closed.

It is, do you have any feedback on how I could not make it seem so dry?

 

[melchi]

It is, do you have any feedback on how I could not make it seem so dry?

I'll see if maybe I can help answer the question as to why it is dry.

So when I check out a new story I ask the question: What is the premise?

The synopsis says something about a child in a swamp. However, the first chapter seems to be about a guy with a wheelbarrow.

I'm guessing that the boy is supposed to be the MC? But the chapter is from Feick's POV.

Also, the is a biggest problem with inconsistent tenses.

Feick whistled an off-key tune (Past tense)

The putrid smell coming from the clothes causes the boy's face to scrunch up (Present tense)

Upon those words, fear filled the boy's face as he looked up (Past tense)

One of the crows plucks out a bloody eyeball (present tense)

The first chapter needs to hook readers somehow. They are expecting a premise, the reason to get excited about the main character's journey. If that isn't apparent it won't have a good first impression.

 

[AdOtherwise]

I'll see if maybe I can help answer the question as to why it is dry.

So when I check out a new story I ask the question: What is the premise?

The synopsis says something about a child in a swamp. However, the first chapter seems to be about a guy with a wheelbarrow.

I'm guessing that the boy is supposed to be the MC? But the chapter is from Feick's POV.

Also, the is a biggest problem with inconsistent tenses.





The first chapter needs to hook readers somehow. They are expecting a premise, the reason to get excited about the main character's journey. If that isn't apparent it won't have a good first impression.

Thanks, I'll get on it right away. I don't think I can change much but I'll try. Thank you so much for the feedback

Edit: I fixed the tense errors you found, I also believe I made the story not centered on Feick by not mentioning his name in the beginning (Don't really know if that helps). And to give the chapter a hook, at the end, I added a scene that foreshadowed future chapters.

If you have time let me know how I did, again, thank you for taking the time to help me.

 

[TheKillingAlice]

done

Sorry, I hope I don't annoy you, I just had to wait for hours for the review to actually show up, so I said thanks beforehand xD
Anyway, thanks again, for the trouble you went through, to actually write a review. It made me very happy!
Also, I think it's sad you had to drop it, but of course I understand the sentiment. Still, there's one thing I would like to ask, if it isn't too much trouble (since you probably have a lot on your hands already).
I'm literally dying to know what you actually think the story will go on to happen (just the rough edges would be enough for me!). It's just that I've chanced upon a thread lately, in which it was about predicting future events, but that seemed to be about imminent future events, like the contents of the next chapter. I do also have a buddy who goes through the chapters to tell me what he thinks, but he didn't catch any of the hints for future events that I have dropped yet. In his own words, he's slow - but I don't think he's slow, rather he's too caught up in his own head canons. When he hears something about anything at all in the story, he instantly gets an idea about it, be it true or false, and he will hold onto it, no matter how asinine. So his thought process is stuck there and can't be mislead, even when told no. That's why hints won't get to him either...
I would seriously like to know what people think of what some things might end up meaning and what might happen, but it's hard to find someone who's willing to even give it a thought or where it makes sense to even ask (cue the buddy who's reading the chapters).

Again, sorry for asking so much of you. I understand if you don't have time to spend on something like that as well.

 

[Deleted member 68927]

It is, do you have any feedback on how I could not make it seem so dry?

Give your characters a voice. Put them in a rich setting which will engage all of their senses, and then let their opinions about the setting be heard.

 

[AdOtherwise]

Give your characters a voice. Put them in a rich setting which will engage all of their senses, and then let their opinions about the setting be heard.

Thank you, I think I just got an epiphany.

Edit: I tried doing what you said in chapters 20 and 20.5, if you want you can see how I did.