YukieSama
Member
- Joined
- Mar 26, 2026
- Messages
- 35
- Points
- 18
Hi, I'm looking for feedback on my latest chapter. Not on the plot/characters but more on the text itself, pacing (Scene-Summary) and if you could imagine the story world. It's 1k words. Thank you!
Vampires and humans were on one side of the door and Arachnians were on the other. Rak’s wound was releasing the smell of blood in the air, even when it was wrapped neatly in a bandage and the vampires could smell it. Their senses heightened. It was the girls first smell of blood from a different species and Seraphina thought that like any other vampire children they’d pounce.
But the triplets did not.
“Blood,” they said in unison.
A flush crept up on Aren’s face. He scratched Priscilla’s head, who was in his arms and turned to the Arachnians.
“Kids..." he chuckled.
Nura chuckled back, "Arachnian children also blurt things out too literally."
Rak nodded.
"So what can I do for you Princess Nura?" he said.
After three weeks without speaking to her, Aren was curious why she showed up here with Rak by her side. Not to mention what happened to Rak's arm was at the forefront of his curiosity; it had to be connected to the mysterious creature back in the forest.
"Right. It has already been three weeks," she glanced at Rak, "Fixing the barrier took a bit longer than I had hoped."
She clapped her hand, "But it's fixed now and I came here to invite you and Seraphina to a tour outside of Reclusa."
"Outside?" he tilted his head. Going outside of the city was not part of their plan and he needed to consult with his wife if it was a good idea. But he could guess her answer.
"No thanks," she said.
Remaining standing next to the grill, she did not bother to look at the princess. Her focus was on the apples—the apples that Gwen and Evelyn were fighting over—and she managed to stop them in their tracks with just her gaze.
Aren coughed. He wanted to take this tour of theirs.
"Maybe it'd be a good idea?" he said to Seraphina.
She glared at him. Her eyes said no, her eyebrows said no, and her aura said no.
The hair lifted on the back of his neck. She was not in the mood.
"If you're worried about any danger,” Nura said, “With the divine weapon, Rak can protect your family from any danger but I doubt we'd run into any monsters on the tour."
Her words were kind and reasurring yet Aren felt a stiffness in his jaw. He couldn't name the feeling. Rak protecting them would be good and welcoming because they were in severe need of allies. Yet the stiffness was there.
"No."
Priscilla said and gripped her father's shirt with her tiny fist. She shook her head.
"No."
Aren lifted her higher to his eye level and then he realized: his pride.
"You heard her Aren, she doesn't want to go," Seraphina said.
"No."
She pointed outside to the forest. "Go,"
Nura's expression softened, "Aww she's adorable."
That Aren agreed with any time of the day but most importantly Priscilla was saying she wanted to go outside and he wanted that too. So he wanted to negotiate with Seraphina.
"We'll just go for a little bit. Is that okay?" he asked.
His wife bit her lips. She was torn between her desire to not leave the city yet and her daughter's desire. Ultimately she sighed and wrapped a part of the cat-sized moth back in the leaves like a lunchbox and grabbed Aren's bag, putting it on her shoulder and making sure Evelyn and Gwen did not let go of her hands. Lori stayed behind as she wanted to eat. Not to mention the tension in that group seemed too much for her tiny heart.
The two Arachnians and five vampires walked down the familiar street until they reached the gates. Trees as far as the eye could see. It looked a lot more friendly now that they were in the day time and had a home to go back to. Aren gently rubbed Seraphina's neck. Her tension was understandable but he hoped she puts her suspicion aside and trust the Arachnians.
"First up we're going to go to Brother Rak's village. It won't take long," Nura said.
Rak led the way through the forest. There was no road, just the occasional sign written in Arachnian tongue. Aren managed to see a dream moth in the wild.
---
[Dream Moth]
[Mana Core: F-rank]
[Skills: Dream magic (F-rank)]
---
It was peacefully flying from branch to branch, landing only to nibble on a specific yellow coloured leaf before flying to the next as if it had no preservation skills. He wondered how they did not go extinct. After all it was flying just in front of the group, in front of Rak.
The Arachnian suddenly stopped. His upper right hand glowed white as web's materialized in front of his hand like a ball of silk. Pushing his hand foreward, he threw the ball at the moth. On contact the ball exploded like a net and wrapped around the insect and captured it.
"Do you wish to take it home with you?" he asked the two vampires.
Before any of the two could speak, Gwen made a move, escaping her mother's grasps, she ran towards the moth and picked it up.
"Mine!"
Aren smiled at his little greed. But Seraphina did not find it amusing.
"Gwenevere," she said, "Drop it and come here."
The little girl ears drooped and her gaze flickered to her father, her one chance at keeping her prize. But he shook his head. He knew it was a losing fight when his wife used that tone.
"Thank you Rak, maybe next time," he said.
A nod later and an iron grip on Gwenevere. The group continued on their path through the forest, reaching a waterfall before turning right and going down a small hill and arriving at Rak's village. It lay next to a lake. The houses were made of wood instead of silk and there were a lot of manly arms.
Aren scratched his chin. This village had only men and the city had only women and children. Something felt off. He thought back to the first day in Reclusa, when Nura was surprised that he answered the door. A gut feelling made Aren ask.
"Nura... do you eat the men?"
But the triplets did not.
“Blood,” they said in unison.
A flush crept up on Aren’s face. He scratched Priscilla’s head, who was in his arms and turned to the Arachnians.
“Kids..." he chuckled.
Nura chuckled back, "Arachnian children also blurt things out too literally."
Rak nodded.
"So what can I do for you Princess Nura?" he said.
After three weeks without speaking to her, Aren was curious why she showed up here with Rak by her side. Not to mention what happened to Rak's arm was at the forefront of his curiosity; it had to be connected to the mysterious creature back in the forest.
"Right. It has already been three weeks," she glanced at Rak, "Fixing the barrier took a bit longer than I had hoped."
She clapped her hand, "But it's fixed now and I came here to invite you and Seraphina to a tour outside of Reclusa."
"Outside?" he tilted his head. Going outside of the city was not part of their plan and he needed to consult with his wife if it was a good idea. But he could guess her answer.
"No thanks," she said.
Remaining standing next to the grill, she did not bother to look at the princess. Her focus was on the apples—the apples that Gwen and Evelyn were fighting over—and she managed to stop them in their tracks with just her gaze.
Aren coughed. He wanted to take this tour of theirs.
"Maybe it'd be a good idea?" he said to Seraphina.
She glared at him. Her eyes said no, her eyebrows said no, and her aura said no.
The hair lifted on the back of his neck. She was not in the mood.
"If you're worried about any danger,” Nura said, “With the divine weapon, Rak can protect your family from any danger but I doubt we'd run into any monsters on the tour."
Her words were kind and reasurring yet Aren felt a stiffness in his jaw. He couldn't name the feeling. Rak protecting them would be good and welcoming because they were in severe need of allies. Yet the stiffness was there.
"No."
Priscilla said and gripped her father's shirt with her tiny fist. She shook her head.
"No."
Aren lifted her higher to his eye level and then he realized: his pride.
"You heard her Aren, she doesn't want to go," Seraphina said.
"No."
She pointed outside to the forest. "Go,"
Nura's expression softened, "Aww she's adorable."
That Aren agreed with any time of the day but most importantly Priscilla was saying she wanted to go outside and he wanted that too. So he wanted to negotiate with Seraphina.
"We'll just go for a little bit. Is that okay?" he asked.
His wife bit her lips. She was torn between her desire to not leave the city yet and her daughter's desire. Ultimately she sighed and wrapped a part of the cat-sized moth back in the leaves like a lunchbox and grabbed Aren's bag, putting it on her shoulder and making sure Evelyn and Gwen did not let go of her hands. Lori stayed behind as she wanted to eat. Not to mention the tension in that group seemed too much for her tiny heart.
The two Arachnians and five vampires walked down the familiar street until they reached the gates. Trees as far as the eye could see. It looked a lot more friendly now that they were in the day time and had a home to go back to. Aren gently rubbed Seraphina's neck. Her tension was understandable but he hoped she puts her suspicion aside and trust the Arachnians.
"First up we're going to go to Brother Rak's village. It won't take long," Nura said.
Rak led the way through the forest. There was no road, just the occasional sign written in Arachnian tongue. Aren managed to see a dream moth in the wild.
---
[Dream Moth]
[Mana Core: F-rank]
[Skills: Dream magic (F-rank)]
---
It was peacefully flying from branch to branch, landing only to nibble on a specific yellow coloured leaf before flying to the next as if it had no preservation skills. He wondered how they did not go extinct. After all it was flying just in front of the group, in front of Rak.
The Arachnian suddenly stopped. His upper right hand glowed white as web's materialized in front of his hand like a ball of silk. Pushing his hand foreward, he threw the ball at the moth. On contact the ball exploded like a net and wrapped around the insect and captured it.
"Do you wish to take it home with you?" he asked the two vampires.
Before any of the two could speak, Gwen made a move, escaping her mother's grasps, she ran towards the moth and picked it up.
"Mine!"
Aren smiled at his little greed. But Seraphina did not find it amusing.
"Gwenevere," she said, "Drop it and come here."
The little girl ears drooped and her gaze flickered to her father, her one chance at keeping her prize. But he shook his head. He knew it was a losing fight when his wife used that tone.
"Thank you Rak, maybe next time," he said.
A nod later and an iron grip on Gwenevere. The group continued on their path through the forest, reaching a waterfall before turning right and going down a small hill and arriving at Rak's village. It lay next to a lake. The houses were made of wood instead of silk and there were a lot of manly arms.
Aren scratched his chin. This village had only men and the city had only women and children. Something felt off. He thought back to the first day in Reclusa, when Nura was surprised that he answered the door. A gut feelling made Aren ask.
"Nura... do you eat the men?"
