Could anyone give me feedback, please? Opening of first chapter (1200 words, Urban Fantasy)

[Lufli]

Greetings, comrades.
I'm currently training my writing skills, specifically focusing on first chapters and hooks. I would love to get some feedback on the opening of this story.
All feedback is welcome, but I'm especially interested in whether the emotional tension between the siblings lands nicely and if the "hook" makes you want to read more.

Spoiler: Opening of my first chapter

I am sure that I am the greatest liar of all.

Ly opened the door after the bell rang. A man stood outside. He had no face—only a white surface that shifted subtly depending on the light.

Ly assumed it was a man because of the broad shoulders beneath the black robe. And because of his height, he wouldn’t have fit through the doorway without bending down.

The black robe… the lack of facial features. Ly knew immediately what stood before him, even though he had hoped never to see it in reality.

Ly stared wide-eyed until the male being extended both hands in front of his body. At once, a small golden card formed from countless particles of light.

Ly squeezed his eyes shut.

When he opened them again, the being that had stood before the door moments ago was gone. Still, he felt a weight in his right fist—as if something had slipped into it without him noticing.

When he opened his hand in front of his eyes, the golden card was still there. It reminded him of a credit card, though it was considerably larger. Ly’s gaze was fixed on it.

This can’t be happening. I was chosen… isn’t this something that runs in the family?

Something was engraved on the card. Completely unreadable to Ly—at first. With every passing moment, the runes became clearer: from lines that looked utterly random to fleetingly familiar words, until they were finally legible.

At the very top, in bold letters, it read:
“You have been deemed suitable by the Witnesses of the Primordial World.”
In smaller text at the bottom:
“Refusal of this call is not recommended.”

Ly clenched the golden card.

When he pressed too hard, his grip loosened on its own—as if punishing him for not accepting a gift with gratitude. The card fell to the floor.

Clang!

Within a second, Ly picked it up and slammed the door shut.

He held the card at hip level, repeatedly running his thumb over it. His thoughts revolved around a single thing—the card and what was written on it.

Since the incident in Anatolia, everyone had heard these stories. But that it would happen to me… Does that mean my sister too? Was that the reason…?

Deep down, Ly had hoped it would happen to him as well. The thought of being recruited by supernatural beings and then fighting for a wish made his heart race. It touched something that this world had never quite managed to reach.

Until now, at least. At this moment, he couldn’t see anything good in being forced into a “merciless” world. Maybe Earth, with all its luxury—with something called the internet and the like—wasn’t so bad after all.

Ly rushed through the one-room apartment. He only had to turn around once to already be in the “living room,” where his sister was watching TV. But he tripped over his bag and kicked it aside.

His sister sat in a wheelchair just a few steps away from the television. Her brown hair contrasted with her pale skin and blue eyes. Her body was thin, just like her face. She didn’t have much of an appetite and depended entirely on Ly. But Ly couldn’t always make time for her.

“Who was at the door—?” she asked.

Ly held up the golden card expressionless.

The corners of her mouth turned downward, as if they might fall off her face.

Ly swallowed and turned the card back toward himself. New text was appearing. Through the same process as before, Ly read:
“Departure: 19.12.”

Nothing more. No specific location or time.

“Is this the reason, Elli? Why Mom got so sick… and why you were involved in that accident?” Ly asked after lifting his gaze again.

Elli stared at the floor, saying nothing.

In Ly’s hand, the card felt like a foreign entity. It grew colder shortly after he asked his question, as if unseen eyes were constantly fixed upon it, mourning along with him.

It made the hair on Ly’s neck stand on end.

“I… I received that invitation back then, too. The same golden card. I refused.”

So that’s how it is. I understand. All right. So that’s why I had to do so much—take care of three people at once, educate myself on the side, and earn money in this slave system, because she…

The thought surfaced in Ly’s mind for only a fraction of a second. With a twitch, he banished it from every corner of his consciousness and reminded himself who he was doing all this for.

“I see. So that’s how it was,” Ly said simply.

Elli looked up at him. She gripped her left arm so tightly that her body trembled.

Before she could open her mouth, Ly interrupted her. “I’m going.”

It’s not like I had a choice to begin with.

His sister examined him from head to toe with furrowed brows. Finally, she nodded.

“You’re not going to stop me…?”

“That would be selfish… I think…”

***

Elli’s wheelchair squeaked as she moved through the apartment with Ly. The apartment consisted of a single room that served as both a living room and a bedroom, and a small kitchen with a bathroom. It was technically daytime, but the light couldn’t break through the gray clouds.

“Take some food with you,” she said, pointing to a drawer beneath the stove. “There’s canned food in there.”

Ly opened his backpack, which he had recently emptied of the borrowed laptop, pens, and some paper, and filled it again. Two pretzel rolls, two cans of tuna, and two cans of corn… the drawer was empty afterwards.

“That should be enough. We don’t even know if we’re allowed to keep it… Shouldn’t I take something for self-defense too?”

Ly stood still for a moment too long. Images of Returners flashed through his mind—shaky footage, strange cuts, faces that didn’t quite belong here.

“Right… From what you hear, it’s supposed to be dangerous. You should take a knife. Probably…”

At that moment, Ly’s phone rang. The pocket of his pajamas vibrated against his thigh. He glanced at Elli and finally picked up the phone. After one tap on the screen—and another—a voice came through the speaker.

“Hello? Am I speaking to Lysander?” a female voice asked.

Elli could hear it from where she sat.

“Yes, that’s correct. Who is this?”

“First of all, congratulations. You have the opportunity to follow the Call and become a Sealed One. Regarding your question: we help people like you answer the Call—”

“Wait a moment. I’m afraid I’m not quite following,” Ly said, pausing to check the golden card again. “Why would you help me? And why was I chosen?”

“My apologies for the confusion. First, what date is written on your card?”

“December nineteenth.”

“So tomorrow. We will help you reach the location, but you must depart now; otherwise, it will be considered a refusal. We only know that the selection is not entirely random, but many others have been chosen as well—not just you. As for our interest, we help you because, in the end, it helps our world.”

“Hold on. I haven’t agreed to anything yet.”

“You should know that there are consequences if you refuse the Call.”

So that’s what ‘not recommended’ means.

Ly’s eyes shifted to his sister, who flinched at those words.

“We don’t have time. You should leave—if you have anything to lose.”

I was going to leave anyway.

“So?” Ly said. “Where does this shit start?”

 

[Eldoria]

Greetings, comrades.
I'm currently training my writing skills, specifically focusing on first chapters and hooks. I would love to get some feedback on the opening of this story.
All feedback is welcome, but I'm especially interested in whether the emotional tension between the siblings lands nicely and if the "hook" makes you want to read more.

Well, in terms of visualization, the scene is good. I can picture this prologue scene in my mind. However, if you want to make the prologue more immersive... you could perhaps enrich the show's imagery by adding more sensory narration, such as "Knock... knock..." for the onomatopoeia of a knock on the door. However, even without sensory enhancement, the narrative is already immersive.

Then, regarding the hook, this is quite problematic—at least in my opinion as a reader. You jump into the conflict right at the beginning of the chapter and tie it to the emotional bond between the protagonist and his younger sister. The problem is that the reader doesn't yet know the protagonist's younger sister. I felt emotionally disconnected from the MC and her younger sister. Why?

Because you narrate the emotional scene that forms the core of the emotional premise between the MC and her younger sister too late. As a result, the reader feels more like a neutral observer, rather than a sympathetic one.

My suggestion: Before you narrate the main conflict of the story, first narrate the emotional scene between the MC and her younger sister. You could highlight the depth of the emotional bond between the MC and her younger sister at the beginning of the chapter to make the reader care.

For example, you could show a simple scene of the MC caring for her paralyzed younger sister. It would demonstrate the dilemma the MC faces in caring for and supporting her younger sister. Show intimate, warm, meaningful, and humane domestic scenes that are relatable to the reader. This way, the reader will feel concerned for the MC and her younger sister.

On the other hand, you reverse this sequence. Instead of a hook with an emotional scene between the MC and her younger sister and then moving on to the main conflict, you instead narrate directly to the main conflict and then show the MC's emotional side towards her younger sister. This can be off-putting to the reader.

Another point that could be improved is that your main conflict is still vague. An invitation? What kind of invitation is it? I'm not very good at describing the challenges the MC will face after receiving the invitation. My suggestion is to show foreshadowing related to the invitation.

For example, show the MC reading a newspaper or watching a TV show about the invitation through the stories of other characters who have succeeded or failed. It's best to show this foreshadowing before the MC receives the invitation.

So the sequence is: A domestic scene where the MC takes care of his little sister, followed by a foreshadowing of the MC seeing the invitation through another character (could be a newspaper or TV show), and finally the MC accepting the invitation. The prologue stops here at the peak of tension. Leave the reader feeling uneasy about whether the MC will accept the invitation or not. This can be a good hook.

So the final scene, where the MC receives the phone call, you can place it in the next chapter as a temporary resolution. That way, the reader is very likely to press the next button because of curiosity and anxiety.

Critical Note:
Unless requested, I typically only read the prologue once and don't repeat it again. Because I position myself as a causal reader with limited attention span, it's entirely possible I'll miss information in the chapter that doesn't resonate with me.

 

[Lufli]

Well, in terms of visualization, the scene is good. I can picture this prologue scene in my mind. However, if you want to make the prologue more immersive... you could perhaps enrich the show's imagery by adding more sensory narration, such as "Knock... knock..." for the onomatopoeia of a knock on the door. However, even without sensory enhancement, the narrative is already immersive.

Then, regarding the hook, this is quite problematic—at least in my opinion as a reader. You jump into the conflict right at the beginning of the chapter and tie it to the emotional bond between the protagonist and his younger sister. The problem is that the reader doesn't yet know the protagonist's younger sister. I felt emotionally disconnected from the MC and her younger sister. Why?

Because you narrate the emotional scene that forms the core of the emotional premise between the MC and her younger sister too late. As a result, the reader feels more like a neutral observer, rather than a sympathetic one.

My suggestion: Before you narrate the main conflict of the story, first narrate the emotional scene between the MC and her younger sister. You could highlight the depth of the emotional bond between the MC and her younger sister at the beginning of the chapter to make the reader care.

For example, you could show a simple scene of the MC caring for her paralyzed younger sister. It would demonstrate the dilemma the MC faces in caring for and supporting her younger sister. Show intimate, warm, meaningful, and humane domestic scenes that are relatable to the reader. This way, the reader will feel concerned for the MC and her younger sister.

On the other hand, you reverse this sequence. Instead of a hook with an emotional scene between the MC and her younger sister and then moving on to the main conflict, you instead narrate directly to the main conflict and then show the MC's emotional side towards her younger sister. This can be off-putting to the reader.

Another point that could be improved is that your main conflict is still vague. An invitation? What kind of invitation is it? I'm not very good at describing the challenges the MC will face after receiving the invitation. My suggestion is to show foreshadowing related to the invitation.

For example, show the MC reading a newspaper or watching a TV show about the invitation through the stories of other characters who have succeeded or failed. It's best to show this foreshadowing before the MC receives the invitation.

So the sequence is: A domestic scene where the MC takes care of his little sister, followed by a foreshadowing of the MC seeing the invitation through another character (could be a newspaper or TV show), and finally the MC accepting the invitation. The prologue stops here at the peak of tension. Leave the reader feeling uneasy about whether the MC will accept the invitation or not. This can be a good hook.

So the final scene, where the MC receives the phone call, you can place it in the next chapter as a temporary resolution. That way, the reader is very likely to press the next button because of curiosity and anxiety.

Critical Note:
Unless requested, I typically only read the prologue once and don't repeat it again. Because I position myself as a causal reader with limited attention span, it's entirely possible I'll miss information in the chapter that doesn't resonate with me.

Thank you very much, @Eldoria. Great help, as usual.

 

[K_Nishi]

Thank you for sharing your opening. The atmosphere and imagery are very intriguing, especially the faceless figure and the golden card — they leave a strong visual impression.

That said, I personally felt that the hook was a bit weakened by starting with a declarative explanation rather than an immediate emotional or situational trigger. The opening line (“I am sure that I am the greatest liar of all.”) sounds powerful, but because it is a statement without immediate context or evidence, it didn’t fully pull me in yet.

Additionally, while I understand that the emotional tension between the siblings is one of your key goals, that tension didn’t quite land for me in this excerpt alone. At this point, the scene feels more focused on the mysterious visitor than on the sibling relationship itself. Perhaps involving the sibling more directly—through a choice, a secret, or a lie connected to the card—could help establish that emotional dynamic earlier.


I think the core elements are strong, and with a slight reordering—starting with action or conflict and letting the explanation come later—the opening could become even more compelling.
I hope this feedback is helpful, and I’d be interested to see how the story develops.