Guys is this better than?
Yes, and fucking no.
Will do, pal.
Arc 4: The rise of Tenzing. Teaser
A single dark drop of blood falls onto a floor filled with corpses.
Color besides the object. C+O. A singular drop of dark blood. Fix the wording.
Meanwhile, a group of masked militants take out rifles from a duffel bag with stains of blood.
Present tense to describe third-person groups/individuals doing something in the present time. '
Meanwhile, a group of masked militants takes out rifles from a duffel bag stained with blood.' Same as before.
A young man with a clean shave, neat hairstyle, and a neat tuxedo is walking towards a huge factory named "Hanson Electronics."
Who the fuck is this supposed to be, the young man?! You repeated the exposition, twice! WHY???
In a damaged commercial area, a place where bodies were lying bleeding, an army of soldiers was cheering a man, a man who used to be the same young man with a clean shave and a tuxedo, but now ... now he was different.
Rephraseable, and also the second now is unnecessary. Some comas are better off being dots and the texts would connect with each other. '
In a damaged commercial area, a place where bodies lie, bleeding, an army of soldiers was cheering a man. A man who was once donning a tuxedo, a clean shaved hair. Now... He was different.
He wore a white shirt stained with a deep red viscous liquid, which was drying; he held an axe, an axe that was oozing with blood; and he had long curly hair and a beard.
Misspelled 'Viscious'. Great. Unnecessary 'which was', textbook learner. And what's with the double dots?? You don't know what that's for, do you? This is better rephrased, seriously. And add comas where they belong, you dipshit.
He wore a white shirt, stained with deep viscious red liquid, has a curly hair, a beard, and holding an axe. An axe that was oozing with blood.
He washed his hands in a sink; the sink was stained with drops of blood.
Change this yourself. Stained used twice. My dear textbook learner, where is your thesaurus?
An explosion occurs; pieces of flesh fall on a white marble floor.
Mixing past tense and present tense is okay. But again, WHAT IS UP WITH THE DOUBLE DOTS???
A husky’s blue eyes reflected a brutal killing splinter of blood falling on his white fur. The white walls were red.
Rule of A: If there's an 'A', there shouldn't be a plural after it. So in this case, if you use 'A', the word after it will be singular. This is elementary English subject, mind you. My elementary English teacher would love to teach you about it, surely. What is that 's positioning?! And the dang line could've been rephrased better, you know!?.
Husky blue eyes reflected a splinter of blood, the result of a brutal killing, falling on his white shirt. The walls red, no more colored white.
While smoking a cigar, as the smoke came out of his mouth and his face was dripping with blood, he said, "They killed my father…I don’t kill them. I erase them in such a way that even the history would be painted red.”
Cringe. Even my cringy past self would rather dug a hole and buried himself instead of reading this line. Another thing, why is he saying this out of nowhere?! Could've been delivered better. W
hile smoking a cigar, as the smoke blowed out of his lips, face dripping with blood, he spoke. "They killed my father... I won't kill them. I'll erase them, painting history red with them."
I am a new author , so I don’t quite now how to transition a teaser
Then learn the grammar, you moron. Get a dictionary, thesaurus, go to free English courses, read tips, and whatever else you can get.
I'm done. Fuck this. This is a curse for my eyes.
It's a 5.5 overall? I don't suppose you could simplify the reasons based on each subtracted point? If not, it's cool; not my novel.
Me holding back my bluntness means I am actually interested in the plot. So, if I am interested in the plot, no matter how cliche the idea is, I will come back to read it. I wouldn't rate a story I'll come back to lower than 4.5.
Oh yeah,
@Cookiez_N_Potionz. I have only read the first two chaps. Take my review with a grain of salt, because I've warned you of what kind of review I'm doing here.
