Heyo, feel free to check mine out if you want and give your feedback. It is in the signature.
PS: Much obliged.
Ok... here we go
Chap 0
Amnesiac Protag, learn as MC learns...
As I continued on my journey, having said my farewells, a memory of my younger self waving goodbye to an old man bubbled up to the surface. “Don’t worry, Dad. I won’t forget, and I will not abandon our creed even if it gets hard.”
I quickly wiped my eyes as they had become slightly misty.
Some character revelation, fine.
I think the first chapter is fine, but would be a more interesting read if the pacing is not soooo.... same-y
You see a lot of the "blocks" is told from action to action
As I made my way...
My ruminations came...
I clutched my head...
Curiously, everywhere I looked...
As I continued my journey...
if some of the "blocks" starts with a thing rather than an action it can create more variety IMO
e.g you have
"I clutched my head, trying to prevent an oncoming headache. Opening my eyes, I tried to focus on anything but the temple. My attention was drawn towards the villagers toiling in the fields, occasionally being aided by young children."
Action then thing
action I clutched my head, trying to prevent an oncoming headache. Opening my eyes, I tried to focus on anything but the temple.
thing: My attention was drawn towards the villagers toiling in the fields, occasionally being aided by young children.
change it up might be good
Chapter 1
it's an easier read
I was jolted back to reality by a tap on my shoulder.
Opportunity to enter this beat differently using different patterns, to signify a scene change.
Chapter 2
confusing perspective.
I think there is some difficulty for me to pin where the "Attention centre" is previously you have always used FOV
you opened with dialogue but did not immediately establish time and location.
So I was lost
It had been almost two weeks
Too late in the chapter for me, I had to roll back and re-read the previous chapter a few more times at this point.
Even if you don't want to reveal it immediately. needed some kind of hint that "mc" is different from the mc from the previous chapter. Like what is he wearing or what he is doing but wasn't before, like a clean fix point of narrative centre.
Skimmed the rest
Stopped at Chapter 3
For people who like a slow burn, it would work for them
but unfortunately not for me,
it looks like at the end of chapter 3 the "voice" makes a return
that's good because I feel that in the first part it needed a major driver for the story or a bigger hook.
and I didn't feel the hook was there untill the "voice" came back
ANyway OK
