Character Ideas (V 2.0)

Yiphen

Sleepy
Joined
Dec 27, 2019
Messages
87
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Born a relatively fortunate daughter to the leaders of a small village, she lived a mostly peaceful and happy life, ignoring certain... unique factors.
Due to a chance mutation, her body sustained itself on and was particularly sensitive to mana. She was still able to take in milk from her mother, but after the period had passed she mostly relied on mana. Food was edible, but mana seemed to be much more important. After her diet switched to one primarily consisting of it, her pupils turned red and her canines sharpened. While not actually needing to drink blood, it gave a serious impression of that creature from a children's tale- a vampire.
That coincidence comes into play in the year of her seventh birthday.
That year, her village had suffered terribly. A frozen winter had ruined the fields and a parching drought permeated through most days of spring and summer. All in all, it was a terrible harvest, not exactly helpful when taxes still need to be paid.
To make matters worse, the previous summer her... features were discovered. Her family had a solid reputation so they easily brushed off the accusations, but the following seasons began raising doubts in the other villagers' eyes. Now the accusations gained a sort of possible credibility. What if this weather was brought by her parents, as a means of silencing them on their discovery?
That fall, a mob formed at her parent's home. They demanded proof that her parents weren't vampires, and her parents willingly complied. However, that was the last decision they made. Everyone was on edge against a potential family of vampires hiding within the midst, patiently waiting to kill them all. As for the one who struck her parents down, he was like any other, only a little bit more fearful.
At the end of it all, her parents' corpses were innocent. They weren't vampires, and as for their daughter, she even proved that she subsisted on mana, not blood.
But the damage was done. Apologies couldn't possibly resolve an avoidable loss. After spending almost the entire year being shunned as "those vampires' daughter," something snapped. She desperately wanted to leave.
For her, the following year was one of frenzy, where she learned as many spells as possible. Need to become as strong as possible in the preparation of leaving her no-longer-home.
So she did. Carrying the books and tomes the village apologetically gave to her, she left without warning, leaving not a single trace behind.
As for the journey she undertook, it was arduous. There were many times when she believed she was going to die, as, for every creature she slew, there were two more she fled. She followed her instincts and eventually reached a mountain. She scaled it easily, and after days of searching, she found something... unique. It was a strange, segmented red and white ball about the size of a large basket. Her first thought was cutting it for food, but although she could break the skin, she couldn't cut deeper and the wound released a little bit of mana before instantly regenerating. At least it tasted good.
She continued cutting it and it was enough to keep her permanently full. In fact, it seemed the mana it provided was limitless. Not once had there been a decrease in the amount she received. One day when she was thinking of this, she remembered something.
She remembered reading a book researching the topic of dungeon cores.

The space she awoke in was plain. It was a simple field of grass, but fortunately, she didn't come alone. Cradling her Nintendo Switch, she sat herself up and looked over the hundreds of people who came with her, equally dazed.
There were plenty of people with varying ethnicities, and an awkward, confused silence descended upon the group.
The first to speak up was an Asian man. He spoke out in an awkward English, saying a simple, "um hello?" Another man, this one Hispanic, said something as well, but she couldn't understand.
A small buzz formed as people aggregated, first by language and then by color. She tried to do so as well until someone bumped into her.
They passed right through her.
Not even sparing her a glance.
She was startled by that and a yelp escaped her throat. It wasn't loud, but it should have been more than noticeable for the nearby people.
Her surprise passed equally unnoticed.
It made her uneasy, leading her to venture out her own reserved greeting.
Unnoticed.
It was at this point that a suspicion dawned on her, morphing into fact.
She couldn't interact with them.
She looked down at her feet.
Stomping down, she felt a mark left on the soil, yet when she moved off it, it wasn't there. It was like it never occurred in the first place. It was like she was weightless.
As soon as she panicked, imaging herself floating away into nothingness, her body, having previously been anchored to the earth, seemed to have disappeared. She floated up into the air.
+++​
A week had passed in this condition, and the groups of people had progressed to form subgroups with tasks such as mining and farming to increase overall cohesion.
The English speakers were the predominant group, which would have been great if she wasn't a native Japanese speaker. While translators helped communicate issues and concerns, it's sheer number was enough to cause unease. Not enough for conflict, but it left a slight tension in the air.
As for her, she stayed with her small group of Japanese speakers as she became better adapted to her new lifestyle.
One quickly apparent fact was that despite looking the same, her body had lost the need for all physical necessities. She had unintentionally spent the better parts of her second day playing on her Switch, it's battery also discovered to have become vestigial.
She had noticed a thin mist spread around her. No one else seemed to have noticed the new fog, so she reasoned it was another feature of her body. She could interact with it, and after tinkering with it, she managed to concentrate it into a mostly-opaque ball.
Waving it before people produced no reactions, so it seemed like what she made wouldn't be usable as a way to communicate. The frustration she felt produced a small trigger, and the ball combusted into a short-lived fire.
The best way she could describe what she found would be... magic.
It seemed like magic.
She kept experimenting, cumulating to this very moment:
Slowly, cautiously, she pushed the ball into a passing man. He staggered in surprise, receiving curious glances from the nearby people. Never had he experienced anything this foreign, and the sudden mysterious energy uncomfortable strained inside of him.
Fumbling for a way to free it, a strong wind gusted from his hands.
 
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BenJepheneT

Syro - Aphex Twin
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It's a solid reveal of both the character, her character motivations, her possible objectives and the theme of dungeon cores. It's nothing to shout about but it stands well on its own merits.

The narrative could use a bit of work. Instead of a story it just seems like a run down of what happened. Like a "Last Week on Dungeon Core Novel-" kind of a thing. Compared to the other novels out there, it'll probably set most people off if they don't have the patience to keep going.

But that reveal about her reading something about dungeon cores was delicious. You not only described the qualities of a core, you also kept the mystery at bay before letting it out in one fell swoop. Not too much to ruin it, but not too little to sound pretentious.

It's good, TL;DR.
 

Yiphen

Sleepy
Joined
Dec 27, 2019
Messages
87
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The narrative could use a bit of work. Instead of a story it just seems like a run down of what happened.
Thanks for the info, though when you say run down, how do you think it could be told better?
 

BenJepheneT

Syro - Aphex Twin
Joined
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Messages
5,347
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Thanks for the info, though when you say run down, how do you think it could be told better?
If your intention is for it to be a synopsis, then you've succeeded. If not, then I suggest you expand upon it.
 

Yiphen

Sleepy
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Oh, yeah, its meant to be a synopsis. :D
EDIT: At this point, its more of a way for me to flesh out the characters and get some feedback.
 
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Nixil

Well-known member
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I will be giving feedback on the updated version which I’m assuming is character two/ concept two. I’m also assuming this one isn’t a synopsis as it’s too long and bland (as in a lack of interesting things to capture someone’s attention) to be one. The only interest point would probably be why are they there? This probably cannot be explored with the current whimsical/light tone (for example a higher dimensional being randomly put them there for a laugh, how does someone even build off this?) and a tonal shift later on in the story would probably kill the story (like a few royal:blob_hmm_two:road books I have read before).
You spent a massive chunk explaining that she couldn’t physically interact with the environment. While this would normally be fine, since this is (I’m assuming) a dungeon core like story, these things would probably be implied by the title and synopsis. There are a lot of dungeon core stories, fans of this type of concept would’ve already read these things many times over and would not find this part interesting. For new readers to this genre, you would have to compete with other novels of this type. You could make your title and synopsis to obscure the dungeon core concept, but that seems like a bad idea. This section probably needs to be shortened or the rest needs to be expanded or even separate them to two different chapters.
What separates this from other dungeon core concepts would be the other humans transported with her, but this isn’t explored much. The early parts of these concepts are the most interesting (either that or the authors didn’t plan ahead, and their stories fell apart). Skipping a month is probably a bad idea. The main character has barely done anything. The other humans have learnt to farm and mine and a leader has been selected. Honestly learning about how they will farm and mine in a fantasy world (I’m assuming, but if it’s not a fantasy world what is even the point to this) and how they will cope with never being able to go back and the leader as the protagonist seems like a more interesting story than the current one. Passing one month in a foreign world and everyone being fine is not really believable, sure it might not be a hostile area, but surely there would be conflict of ideas between people (especially because not everyone speaks the same language). From this it looks like the other humans will carry the story and probably not the main character.
Why they are here? – not one of the people that were mentioned seemed to actually care, especially the main character, nor can it really be explored

Characters: very little exploration. Only the main character who, from what is seen, I personally dislike. She doesn’t know what the magic that produced the spark does and decides to test it on the leader. This just seems so irresponsible, what if the leader died? She doesn’t know what it does and tests it on the leader. Also is having a Nintendo switch a personality trait?

Threats: None not even internal threats. Everyone is also getting stronger and the main character can apparently grant magic.

Future of the novel: I don’t know where this will develop. Main character finds out her powers, everyone gets stronger, fight some monsters (even though there were no monsters for one month). Maybe find some natives (explored surroundings for a month and proceeds to find nothing. They must be quite far away or they didn't bother scouting the surroundings). Doesn’t sound very exciting.
This might be an overview of what you plan to write, but this goes into too much detail to be efficient for a plan.
In a post-apocalyptic world, ‘dungeons’ are the bastions of humanity protecting them from the outside world. The main character is the last dungeon core to wake up and the last one remaining. The scattered remnants of humanity will slowly arrive, and the dungeon must provide food, water and shelter. Since the dungeon was created for this purpose it makes sense for the main character to protect the humans, but what if it was given the choice between its own survival or the survival of humanity. As this story already has a dark tone, a twist like the dungeons are actually a trap for humanity is possible. This scenario can work with sci-fi, fantasy or even set in the real world. The people who arrive will be natives and so can mindlessly dump exposition, but it could be interesting. I think this has potential, but I don’t really plan on developing it. Perhaps this helped you a tiny bit, kinda pissed my yogurt expired.
TL;DR: your first concept was more interesting
 

Yiphen

Sleepy
Joined
Dec 27, 2019
Messages
87
Points
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This probably cannot be explored with the current whimsical/light tone (for example a higher dimensional being randomly put them there for a laugh, how does someone even build off this?) and a tonal shift later on in the story would probably kill the story.
The characters described aren't currently intended to be the major focus of the novel. I wrote their backstories as a way to explain their general motivations when interacting with others and wanted to see if they were believable.

Passing one month in a foreign world and everyone being fine is not really believable, sure it might not be a hostile area, but surely there would be conflict of ideas between people (especially because not everyone speaks the same language).

She doesn’t know what it does and tests it on the leader
Ok, so now that I look at it again I probably should change that.

In a post-apocalyptic world, ‘dungeons’ are the bastions of humanity protecting them from the outside world. The main character is the last dungeon core to wake up and the last one remaining. The scattered remnants of humanity will slowly arrive, and the dungeon must provide food, water and shelter. Since the dungeon was created for this purpose it makes sense for the main character to protect the humans, but what if it was given the choice between its own survival or the survival of humanity. As this story already has a dark tone, a twist like the dungeons are actually a trap for humanity is possible.
That's actually a really good idea. I'm not sure whether I should experiment with it right now though, as I'm already writing a novel and I want to see it through.

Perhaps this helped you a tiny bit, kinda pissed my yogurt expired.
Thanks, the review was pretty helpful, but I don't think I'm skilled enough to help you in the narrative world of expired yogurt. :blob_hmm_two:
 
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