Omarfaruq
Cute, polite and poor boy
- Joined
- Jan 12, 2026
- Messages
- 323
- Points
- 93
Hello everyone! ?
I just finished writing a new chapter for my story and I’d love some feedback from fellow authors. My goal was to mix humor, family antics, and a little bit of tactical chaos — basically, I tried to make it funny and playful while still moving the plot forward.
Here’s the chapter:
The poker spun through the air, a lethal arc of heavy iron. Arin stood there, blinking like an owl in a sudden lamp-light.
The poker was inches from his shoulder when Arin finally "reacted." It wasn't a dodge; it was a structural collapse. He let his knees buckle inward and his arms flail outward, looking less like a trainee and more like a puppet whose strings had been cut by a drunkard.
CLANG!
The iron poker missed his head by a hair's breadth, sailed over his collapsing form, and buried itself in the woodpile with a dull thud. Arin ended up in a heap on the floor, his face pressed against a dusty rug, let out a soft, pathetic "Oof," and stayed there.
The Grey Cloak stared at the boy. He waited for a sign of a hidden roll, a tactical recovery, or even a sharp breath. Nothing. Arin just lay there, looking like he'd been defeated by gravity itself.
The Courier let out a long, hissed breath—the sound of a man who was officially done. He grabbed his damp documents, slammed them into his satchel, and stood up.
"Genetic," the Grey Cloak muttered, his voice dripping with disgust. "The boy has the reaction time of a sundial. Master Verne, your house is as stifling as your lectures. I shall return to the Academy. At least the foam doesn't try to explain its own chemistry to me."
He didn't say goodbye. He simply vanished into the night, the front door clicking shut with a finality that felt like a victory march.
The Victory Lap
As soon as the bolt was slid home, the "corpse" on the floor sat up. Arin wiped the dust from his nose, a massive, mischievous grin breaking across his face.
"Did I do it?" he whispered. "Did I look like a potato?"
"You were the most uncoordinated vegetable I have ever seen," I breathed, pulling him into a hug.
Lysa stepped out from the shadows of the hallway, her notebook tucked under her arm. She didn't say a word; she just raised her hand and gave Arin a slow, solemn thumbs-up. It was the highest praise a Verne sibling could give.
"Everyone," Avaris said, her voice finally losing its serrated edge. "Bed. Now. We've survived the Inspector, the Principal, and the Gutter-Sabotage. Tomorrow, the Empire thinks we are the most boring family in the province. Let's keep it that way."
The Architect and the Sentry
In the quiet of our bedroom, the world finally felt right again. The moonlight spilled across the floorboards as I sat on the edge of the bed, finally unbuttoning my vest.
Avaris walked over, her movements fluid and relaxed now that the predator was gone. She didn't sharpen a blade; she simply sat beside me and leaned her head on my shoulder.
"You were brilliant, Ilyas," she whispered. "I spent years teaching them how to survive a fight, but in one week, you taught them how to avoid one entirely. You made our son into a 'grey stone' so convincing that even a Hunter gave up."
"I just taught him the truth," I said, a bit sleepily. "That sometimes, the best way to win is to be the only person in the room not playing the game."
She laughed softly, pulling me back onto the pillows. "My Ghost Architect. My Master of Mud."
We settled into the covers, the tension of the day finally dissolving into the mattress. I reached out, pulling her close, and she tucked her head under my chin, her arm draped across my chest in a firm, protective embrace. We stayed there, hugging each other in the dark—the scholar and the warrior, the two people who had turned "boring" into the ultimate weapon.
As sleep finally claimed me, my last thought was of the Academy's West Wing. It was going to smell like pickles for weeks, and that was the finest monument I had ever built.
The morning sun hit the breakfast table with a warmth that felt like a reward for surviving the night. We sat there, a picture of domestic bliss, though Arin was currently demonstrating his "Sundial Reflexes" by letting a piece of toast fall in slow motion onto his lap.
"Focus, Arin," I said, suppressing a smile. "You're a master of the mundane now. Don't let the fame go to your head."
"It's not fame, Father," Lysa said, meticulously counting the oats in her bowl. "It's a strategic reputation. We are now officially the least interesting people in the Empire. It's quite liberating."
Avaris kissed the kids' foreheads as she packed their lunches. "Stay alert, stay boring. If any instructor asks about the 'Gutter Incident,' remember: your father is a very clumsy man with very strong cleaning supplies."
With a final thumbs-up from Arin, the children set off for the Academy. I adjusted my spectacles, grabbed my satchel—filled with my latest treatise on The Aerodynamics of Falling Shingles—and headed for the Great Library.
I expected a quiet walk. I was wrong.
I hadn't even cleared the first street corner when Old Man Higgins blocked my path, clutching a weathered piece of wood like it was a holy relic.
"Master Verne! Master Verne!" he croaked. "I heard what you did at the Academy! How you solved the Great Gutter Gurgle with nothing but a bottle of vinegar and a lecture!"
"It was a simple chemical—"
"I need your genius, Architect!" he interrupted, shoving the wood under my nose. "Look at this fence post. My neighbor, Barnaby, says it's leaning four degrees to the East. I say it's the soil settling! If it's the soil, I don't owe him for the repair. If it's the post, I do! You're the only man who can settle a 14-year-old dispute like this!"
"Four degrees?" I blinked. "Higgins, that's barely a—"
"And me! Master Verne!" A woman named Martha pushed past Higgins, holding a jar of pickles. "My cellar steps creak in the key of G-sharp, but only when it rains! Does this mean the foundation is shifting, or is it just the wood 'sighing' as you put it in your last pamphlet?"
Within minutes, I was surrounded. It seemed my performance at the Academy hadn't just fooled the Grey Cloak; it had inadvertently turned me into the local Patron Saint of Petty Problems.
[Table: The "Crisis" Registry]
Citizen
The "Dire" Emergency
The Architect's "Solution"
Higgins
A leaning fence post (4 degrees).
A lecture on the gravitational pull of nearby shrubs.
Martha
Musical cellar steps (G-sharp).
Recommended a heavier rug to "mute the scale."
Miller
His cow prefers his neighbor's grass.
A 20-minute talk on the mineral density of different sods.
Old Pete
His chimney "whistles" when the wind is North-West.
Proposed a "Soot-based baffle system" that will take 3 years to build.
"Please! One at a time!" I cried, pinned against a stone wall by a man who wanted to know if the color of his roof tiles affected the fertility of his chickens. "I have a library to reach! I have research on... on the history of doorknobs to conduct!"
"But you're the Ghost Architect!" Miller shouted, though he clearly had no idea what the title meant. "The man who made the Imperial Courier weep with boredom! Save us from our minor inconveniences!"
I stood there, trapped by a crowd of people asking the most spectacularly dumb questions I had ever heard. I looked toward the library, seeing the Grey Cloak standing on a distant balcony, watching me with a look of profound pity.
He didn't see a rebel leader. He saw a man being slowly pecked to death by the concerns of people who argued over fence posts.
I sighed, pulled out my notebook, and looked Higgins in the eye. "Fine. Let's discuss the fence. First, we must calculate the average rainfall of the last decade to determine the sub-soil saturation levels..."
Higgins looked delighted. The rest of the crowd settled in. I was successfully "hiding" in the most exhausting way possible.
The Architect is now the most popular man in town for all the wrong reasons.
Some things I’d especially like feedback on:
1.Did the humor land? Were there parts that made you laugh or smile?
2.Did the characters’ interactions feel natural and funny?
3.Was there anything confusing or awkward in the jokes or exaggerated situations?
I’d really appreciate your thoughts! I’m hoping to keep improving the balance between comedy and story progression.
Thanks in advance! ?
I just finished writing a new chapter for my story and I’d love some feedback from fellow authors. My goal was to mix humor, family antics, and a little bit of tactical chaos — basically, I tried to make it funny and playful while still moving the plot forward.
Here’s the chapter:
The poker spun through the air, a lethal arc of heavy iron. Arin stood there, blinking like an owl in a sudden lamp-light.
The poker was inches from his shoulder when Arin finally "reacted." It wasn't a dodge; it was a structural collapse. He let his knees buckle inward and his arms flail outward, looking less like a trainee and more like a puppet whose strings had been cut by a drunkard.
CLANG!
The iron poker missed his head by a hair's breadth, sailed over his collapsing form, and buried itself in the woodpile with a dull thud. Arin ended up in a heap on the floor, his face pressed against a dusty rug, let out a soft, pathetic "Oof," and stayed there.
The Grey Cloak stared at the boy. He waited for a sign of a hidden roll, a tactical recovery, or even a sharp breath. Nothing. Arin just lay there, looking like he'd been defeated by gravity itself.
The Courier let out a long, hissed breath—the sound of a man who was officially done. He grabbed his damp documents, slammed them into his satchel, and stood up.
"Genetic," the Grey Cloak muttered, his voice dripping with disgust. "The boy has the reaction time of a sundial. Master Verne, your house is as stifling as your lectures. I shall return to the Academy. At least the foam doesn't try to explain its own chemistry to me."
He didn't say goodbye. He simply vanished into the night, the front door clicking shut with a finality that felt like a victory march.
The Victory Lap
As soon as the bolt was slid home, the "corpse" on the floor sat up. Arin wiped the dust from his nose, a massive, mischievous grin breaking across his face.
"Did I do it?" he whispered. "Did I look like a potato?"
"You were the most uncoordinated vegetable I have ever seen," I breathed, pulling him into a hug.
Lysa stepped out from the shadows of the hallway, her notebook tucked under her arm. She didn't say a word; she just raised her hand and gave Arin a slow, solemn thumbs-up. It was the highest praise a Verne sibling could give.
"Everyone," Avaris said, her voice finally losing its serrated edge. "Bed. Now. We've survived the Inspector, the Principal, and the Gutter-Sabotage. Tomorrow, the Empire thinks we are the most boring family in the province. Let's keep it that way."
The Architect and the Sentry
In the quiet of our bedroom, the world finally felt right again. The moonlight spilled across the floorboards as I sat on the edge of the bed, finally unbuttoning my vest.
Avaris walked over, her movements fluid and relaxed now that the predator was gone. She didn't sharpen a blade; she simply sat beside me and leaned her head on my shoulder.
"You were brilliant, Ilyas," she whispered. "I spent years teaching them how to survive a fight, but in one week, you taught them how to avoid one entirely. You made our son into a 'grey stone' so convincing that even a Hunter gave up."
"I just taught him the truth," I said, a bit sleepily. "That sometimes, the best way to win is to be the only person in the room not playing the game."
She laughed softly, pulling me back onto the pillows. "My Ghost Architect. My Master of Mud."
We settled into the covers, the tension of the day finally dissolving into the mattress. I reached out, pulling her close, and she tucked her head under my chin, her arm draped across my chest in a firm, protective embrace. We stayed there, hugging each other in the dark—the scholar and the warrior, the two people who had turned "boring" into the ultimate weapon.
As sleep finally claimed me, my last thought was of the Academy's West Wing. It was going to smell like pickles for weeks, and that was the finest monument I had ever built.
The morning sun hit the breakfast table with a warmth that felt like a reward for surviving the night. We sat there, a picture of domestic bliss, though Arin was currently demonstrating his "Sundial Reflexes" by letting a piece of toast fall in slow motion onto his lap.
"Focus, Arin," I said, suppressing a smile. "You're a master of the mundane now. Don't let the fame go to your head."
"It's not fame, Father," Lysa said, meticulously counting the oats in her bowl. "It's a strategic reputation. We are now officially the least interesting people in the Empire. It's quite liberating."
Avaris kissed the kids' foreheads as she packed their lunches. "Stay alert, stay boring. If any instructor asks about the 'Gutter Incident,' remember: your father is a very clumsy man with very strong cleaning supplies."
With a final thumbs-up from Arin, the children set off for the Academy. I adjusted my spectacles, grabbed my satchel—filled with my latest treatise on The Aerodynamics of Falling Shingles—and headed for the Great Library.
I expected a quiet walk. I was wrong.
I hadn't even cleared the first street corner when Old Man Higgins blocked my path, clutching a weathered piece of wood like it was a holy relic.
"Master Verne! Master Verne!" he croaked. "I heard what you did at the Academy! How you solved the Great Gutter Gurgle with nothing but a bottle of vinegar and a lecture!"
"It was a simple chemical—"
"I need your genius, Architect!" he interrupted, shoving the wood under my nose. "Look at this fence post. My neighbor, Barnaby, says it's leaning four degrees to the East. I say it's the soil settling! If it's the soil, I don't owe him for the repair. If it's the post, I do! You're the only man who can settle a 14-year-old dispute like this!"
"Four degrees?" I blinked. "Higgins, that's barely a—"
"And me! Master Verne!" A woman named Martha pushed past Higgins, holding a jar of pickles. "My cellar steps creak in the key of G-sharp, but only when it rains! Does this mean the foundation is shifting, or is it just the wood 'sighing' as you put it in your last pamphlet?"
Within minutes, I was surrounded. It seemed my performance at the Academy hadn't just fooled the Grey Cloak; it had inadvertently turned me into the local Patron Saint of Petty Problems.
[Table: The "Crisis" Registry]
Citizen
The "Dire" Emergency
The Architect's "Solution"
Higgins
A leaning fence post (4 degrees).
A lecture on the gravitational pull of nearby shrubs.
Martha
Musical cellar steps (G-sharp).
Recommended a heavier rug to "mute the scale."
Miller
His cow prefers his neighbor's grass.
A 20-minute talk on the mineral density of different sods.
Old Pete
His chimney "whistles" when the wind is North-West.
Proposed a "Soot-based baffle system" that will take 3 years to build.
"Please! One at a time!" I cried, pinned against a stone wall by a man who wanted to know if the color of his roof tiles affected the fertility of his chickens. "I have a library to reach! I have research on... on the history of doorknobs to conduct!"
"But you're the Ghost Architect!" Miller shouted, though he clearly had no idea what the title meant. "The man who made the Imperial Courier weep with boredom! Save us from our minor inconveniences!"
I stood there, trapped by a crowd of people asking the most spectacularly dumb questions I had ever heard. I looked toward the library, seeing the Grey Cloak standing on a distant balcony, watching me with a look of profound pity.
He didn't see a rebel leader. He saw a man being slowly pecked to death by the concerns of people who argued over fence posts.
I sighed, pulled out my notebook, and looked Higgins in the eye. "Fine. Let's discuss the fence. First, we must calculate the average rainfall of the last decade to determine the sub-soil saturation levels..."
Higgins looked delighted. The rest of the crowd settled in. I was successfully "hiding" in the most exhausting way possible.
The Architect is now the most popular man in town for all the wrong reasons.
Some things I’d especially like feedback on:
1.Did the humor land? Were there parts that made you laugh or smile?
2.Did the characters’ interactions feel natural and funny?
3.Was there anything confusing or awkward in the jokes or exaggerated situations?
I’d really appreciate your thoughts! I’m hoping to keep improving the balance between comedy and story progression.
Thanks in advance! ?
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