Changed the writing, is it better now?

[FrenzyWanderer]

I refuse to level up! (Don’t ask about my sister’s opinion on this)

What would any normal person do after they isekai'ed to another world? Well that shouldn't even be a question. Grind up levels, become strong and conquer the world with overpowered cheat abilities. But Ren isn't that kind of 'Normal' What if he conquers the world without levelling up? without...

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Hi everyone!

This is my first novel, many people pointed that earlier chapters lack description and detailing and was like a script of a play

So I tried to change the style a bit, from chapter 06

Can anyone give me a feedback whether still I have to add more detail or the detailing in that chapter sufficient? Or at least compared to previous chapters, has it improved (whether I'm going in the write dirrection)

And if the details are less could you also show me where you found it difficult to comprehend or where you think needs more descriptio. And the purpose of describing it

Thank you in advance

 

[Eldoria]

First, put your thread in the right place (the story feedback section). I'll call our new moderator to move this thread. Sorry for the trouble, dude @Tempokai

 

[Ellie_in_Pink]

I read the opening of chapter 1 and the opening of chapter 6. Focusing on the opening because that is where description is most important. Without description there, the rest of the chapter ends up looking like white space in a reader's head. And I will honestly say that that has no improved. But I can offer suggestions to help. I'll do chapter 6 because that's where you feel like you have done more to describe.

Yawn!

My head almost rested against the hard rock. The sudden cold made my head snap back, Not letting my eyelids find even a sliver of rest. Choking darkness, chest tightening stillness and zero noise. Perfect for exploring the dream world. If my real-life dream hadn't just approached me, her silver hair somehow finding a way to wave despite not a flicker of wind stirring inside the cave.

I got up and my stride led me toward her like water finding its level — effortless.

"Okay,
Lily"

I whispered, gently pushing her toward the sleeping bear.

"Just walk past it again."

"Again?!"
She looked at me with betrayed eyes. Slowly her face shifted — one eye twitching, hands clenching at her sides, something building... a word forming at her lips—

You start with yawn. While we can guess that it's the protagonist, we aren't sure. Additionally, we don't know if they are actually yawning, or if they are just thinking something like, "Yawn, this is boring." We don't know if the protagonist is yawning from a day of hard work, waking up, or being about to go to sleep. And while you don't want to exposit all this, you do need to give immediate context clues. Like so:

I let out a heavy yawn but refused my eyelids even a sliver of rest.

I used your own later descriptions, but made the action concrete and gave context that will prevent the reader from needing to go back in the story to reread, to figure out what you meant in retrospect.

Next, you are adding scene detail. But they are blending too much into the character's actions and feelings. You're also assuming a lot of descriptions and blending too many into a paragraph. You need your establishing description of the scene to stand out and be concrete. So let's edit these together with what you already have.:

Not a flicker or wind stirred inside the lulling darkness of the silent cave. Perfect for exploring the dream world. Just as my unknowing companion was, the hulking beast drawing in steady breaths, just out of eyeline. When I tried to do the same, however, the sudden cold to my skin made me snap back away from the stone. It didn't matter, though. I could now see my real-life dream approaching from just outside the cave. Her moonlit silver hair somehow finding a way to wave even in the still night air.

I beckoned her in.

First, I set the establishing shot. A cave, dark, quiet. All the sensory descriptions that a reader needs to imagine a place for the character to be. Only after do I add the action, which further cements some more physical descriptions. I used mostly the same details you did. But letting them breathe and exist and be sorted in proper sequence makes it all more vivid to the reader. I added a hint about the bear here early on, because something that big would be impossible for the POV character to miss. So only mentioning it later would make it feel like it teleported into existence from nowhere. Lastly, I isolated the about the woman, so that it could be highlighted by itself, and give the scene description space to breathe. And had her enter from outside so that it would make sense that the POV character could see her in the dark.

Next, we're going to focus on the dialogue. Which is all kinds of confusing.

"Okay, Lily," I whispered, gently pushing her toward the the sleeping bear. "Just walk past it again."

"Again?" Lily looked at me with betrayed eyes. Slowly her face shifted — one eye twitching, hands clenching at her sides, something building... a word forming at her lips—

First, I added some much-needed punctuation and dialog tags. Use dialogue tags (Lily said, I said, he said, she said). If you do not use them, your reader will get confused. Believe me, they do not slow down flow. They end up going invisible in a reader's mind, except for the much-needed awareness of who is speaking. Next, I put a reasonable amount of dialogue and dialogue tags all into the same paragraph. This reads much cleaner. We still know who is talking because it is all in the same paragraph. And it shifts the motion into something that reads more like a real conversation, instead of just a random string of sentences someone somewhere is muttering into the void.

Finally, let's put this all together:

Not a flicker or wind stirred inside the lulling darkness of the silent cave. Perfect for exploring the dream world. Just as my unknowing companion was, the hulking beast drawing in steady breaths just out of view. I let out a heavy yawn but refused my eyelids even a sliver of rest. When I tried to at least recline my body, the sudden cold to my skin made me snap back away from the stone.

It didn't matter, though. I could now see my real-life dream approaching from just outside the cave. Her moonlit silver hair somehow finding a way to wave even in the still night air.

I beckoned her in.

"Okay, Lily," I whispered, gently pushing her toward the the sleeping bear. "Just walk past it again."

"Again?" Lily looked at me with betrayed eyes. Slowly her face shifted — one eye twitching, hands clenching at her sides, something building... a word forming at her lips—

Note that this example isn't polished, it may not be what you want, and it certainly isn't perfect. But it is clear enough in descriptions as to not create the same level of confusion in the reader. And when you can go back and do this level of polish on everything you have written, then you'll be on the right track for getting your description skills toward where they need to be.

I sincerely hope this helps.
Best of luck!

 

[FrenzyWanderer]

I read the opening of chapter 1 and the opening of chapter 6. Focusing on the opening because that is where description is most important. Without description there, the rest of the chapter ends up looking like white space in a reader's head. And I will honestly say that that has no improved. But I can offer suggestions to help. I'll do chapter 6 because that's where you feel like you have done more to describe.




You start with yawn. While we can guess that it's the protagonist, we aren't sure. Additionally, we don't know if they are actually yawning, or if they are just thinking something like, "Yawn, this is boring." We don't know if the protagonist is yawning from a day of hard work, waking up, or being about to go to sleep. And while you don't want to exposit all this, you do need to give immediate context clues. Like so:


I used your own later descriptions, but made the action concrete and gave context that will prevent the reader from needing to go back in the story to reread, to figure out what you meant in retrospect.

Next, you are adding scene detail. But they are blending too much into the character's actions and feelings. You're also assuming a lot of descriptions and blending too many into a paragraph. You need your establishing description of the scene to stand out and be concrete. So let's edit these together with what you already have.:





First, I set the establishing shot. A cave, dark, quiet. All the sensory descriptions that a reader needs to imagine a place for the character to be. Only after do I add the action, which further cements some more physical descriptions. I used mostly the same details you did. But letting them breathe and exist and be sorted in proper sequence makes it all more vivid to the reader. I added a hint about the bear here early on, because something that big would be impossible for the POV character to miss. So only mentioning it later would make it feel like it teleported into existence from nowhere. Lastly, I isolated the about the woman, so that it could be highlighted by itself, and give the scene description space to breathe. And had her enter from outside so that it would make sense that the POV character could see her in the dark.

Next, we're going to focus on the dialogue. Which is all kinds of confusing.




First, I added some much-needed punctuation and dialog tags. Use dialogue tags (Lily said, I said, he said, she said). If you do not use them, your reader will get confused. Believe me, they do not slow down flow. They end up going invisible in a reader's mind, except for the much-needed awareness of who is speaking. Next, I put a reasonable amount of dialogue and dialogue tags all into the same paragraph. This reads much cleaner. We still know who is talking because it is all in the same paragraph. And it shifts the motion into something that reads more like a real conversation, instead of just a random string of sentences someone somewhere is muttering into the void.

Finally, let's put this all together:



Note that this example isn't polished, it may not be what you want, and it certainly isn't perfect. But it is clear enough in descriptions as to not create the same level of confusion in the reader. And when you can go back and do this level of polish on everything you have written, then you'll be on the right track for getting your description skills toward where they need to be.

I sincerely hope this helps.
Best of luck!

Thank you!

The thing I most struggle with descriptions is having a "flow" in it... Like what to describe in what order

As I realized there are types of descroptions

For example let's see the cave example
Things to describe are as you said, Darkness, stillness and quiteness.

I can identify the key points to describe but what I'm struggling is the order and which extent to describe, Do you know a method or some kind of a guide etc.

Thank you !

First, put your thread in the right place (the story feedback section). I'll call our new moderator to move this thread. Sorry for the trouble, dude @Tempokai

Sorry, I assumed asking for advices regarding Writing and prose belonged here

 

[Ellie_in_Pink]

Well it's a loose order, and not every description will be applicable to every situation. But the baseline is light (we need to know how bright everything is, thus how much we can expect to see.) Then dimensions (a loose description of how big a space is). Then texture (sights, sounds, temperature, taste, etc). In that order, in that level of importance. And done with a subtlety that keeps it from being too obvious.

Again, you don't need to give all the texture all the time. Like, I don't need to know what a cave tastes like. But the ones that stick out should be mentioned.

And you should do that every time the scene changes. Think of it like directing a movie. Every time you are in a new location, you need to build a new set. If you end a chapter on a setting, and then pick it up a new chapter immediately in the same setting, you still need to give an abbreviated establishing shot (because some readers will stop reading for the night, then pick up the story the next day, and you don't want them to feel disoriented.) Same if you return to a set you've visited recently, and little has changed. We still need and abbreviated look at light levels, general activity, where in the space the characters are in, and what has changed.